Wood Chipper - Tumblr Posts

The Woodchipper

[Revised on 5/27/2024]

Clyde arrived at his buddies’ place in the early evening. His truck bed was filled to the brim with liquor bottles.

“Hey, Clyde’s brought the booze!” Donnie shouted from the porch.

“Hell yeah.” Clyde pulled a bottle of vodka from a pile in the passenger seat.

Amadeus peeked out through the screen door. “Wow, what a truck!” He approved.

“Sixteen foot bed!” Clyde said. “Bought it off a sheikh.”

Donnie pulled a wheelbarrow through the front door, and they loaded the liquor into it.

Soon, empty bottles of liquor littered the floor. Amadeus hummed along to the old records Donnie was playing, between gulps of rum.

“You know, guys,” Donnie said, tossing a now empty bottle of brandy onto the ever growing pile, “I’ve got something cool to show you.”

Donnie led them into his backyard.

“Wow!” Clyde said. “That’s the biggest woodchipper I’ve ever seen!”

“Well, it's the biggest I could fit in my backyard.” Donnie smirked, “This thing can shred anything. Wanna give it a try?”

They quickly began running everything they could find through the woodchipper, from neighbor’s garden gnomes, to marble busts, to car wheels, to suitcases full of $100 bills, to pure gold bars. A pile of shredded debris quickly grew to massive proportions in Donnie's backyard.

“What a beast!” Clyde said.

“It even roars.” Amadeus said.

Donnie grinned and rubbed his hands as the Shroud of Turin and an ancient Babylonian tablet slid into the machine’s maw on its conveyor belt.

“You know what would be really rad to put in this?” Amadeus said.

“What’s that?” Donnie asked.

“A baby.”

“Dude.” Clyde said. “You’re right. That would be so cool.”

“Let’s go find one.” Donnie said.

Clementine Blake was a child prodigy. At 7 months old, she could not yet walk or speak, but had written three books that permanently changed the fields of science, math, and politics. Her work helped end 3 famines and eradicate 5 diseases. No one knew her biological parents, but many believed she would be the one to lead the human race to a new golden age.

Betty Blake, her adoptive mother, was taking Clementine on a walk, in a stroller. Clementine was busy writing her next book, glancing up every now and then to look at people who passed. That was when Donnie jumped out of the alley and snatched Clementine out of the stroller. Betty screamed and ran after him, but he quickly jumped into the back of Clyde’s truck, which sped off into the evening.

Ozias Ozbek was in his garage, disassembling a sewing machine with a screwdriver. He was wearing overalls with no shirt. His bare chest glistened with sweat. But that part’s not relevant to the plot. He had reduced the sewing machine to about 200 pieces so far. He wasn’t going to do anything big with it once it was disassembled. He would just organize the small pieces and put them in bins, like he did with everything else. This was his hobby, disassembling things into small pieces, simply for the sake of doing so. By day, he worked as a mechanic, making sure things were put together properly. In his time off, he only wanted to take things apart. He didn’t appreciate others criticizing his choice of hobby. After all, he wasn’t running around at night killing people, so no one should have reason to complain.

As he was searching his toolbox for a smaller screwdriver, he heard his phone ring.

“Ozzy, it’s Betty!” The voice on the other end bawled. “Someone took Clementine!”

“I’ll find her immediately.” Ozias put down the phone.

“If I had a baby...” Ozias thought, “where would I take it?” Ozias turned a screwdriver in his hand, deep in thought. “That’s it! I’d bring it to a woodchipper! That would be the fastest way to break it down into its constituent parts!” He paused.“Come to think of it, I recently repaired a large woodchipper, owned by Donnie Dixon. Maybe he knows something about this.”

Ozias opened his closet. The mask inside stared at him. The suit that hung beneath it had gathered dust. The mask smiled at him. "It's my time, isn't it?"

"Yes." Ozias said. "This night belongs to you now."

Amadeus held the screaming baby in Donnie’s backyard.

“This is gonna be so cool,” Amadeus said, “turn it on.”

Donnie flipped a switch, and the machine started roaring. The sound from the giant machine was nearly deafening. The three of them stood together, watching the glorious machine.

“It sure roars!” Amadeus shouted.

“All right,” Clyde said, “ready to throw it in?”

“You bet.” Amadeus responded. He pulled his arm back like a pitcher about to throw a fastball.

The machine began to shake. Then, a blade came loose from the woodchipper. It flew from the machine and sliced Donnie in half.

“Wow!” Clyde said.

The whole machine then collapsed into pieces. Ozias stepped out from behind the mess, holding a screwdriver and grinning through his mask.

“It’s the Night Disassembler!” Amadeus yelled. “He disassembled the wood chipper!”

Ozias laughed. “And now, I will disassemble you two.”

Amadeus threw the baby into a bush. "Not so fast!" He pulled out an anti-tank rocket launcher. "Don't take another step!"

"Why not?" Ozias grinned and stepped forward.

The weapon in Amadeus's hands fell into pieces.

Amadeus turned and ran.

"Try this on for size!" Clyde pulled a large artillery cannon out from another bush, holding it above his head by the long barrel. "I'll turn you into paste!" Clyde swung it downwards, towards Ozias.

The machine crashed into the ground. But Ozias was already behind Clyde.

"Weapons bore me." Ozias said. "I imagine you'll be more interesting to take apart."

Clyde's clothes burst into individual threads. "Yikes!" Clyde bolted.

Clyde jumped into Donnie's speedboat, as Amadeus started the engine. In just a few moments, they were speeding across the lake, away from Donnie's home.

“Donnie was bragging about this boat earlier!” Amadeus shouted. “It can do 50 knots!”

“He’ll never catch us now.” Clyde said. “Unless he can swim like a seahorse.”

After a few minutes, the two of them caught their breath and began to relax.

“Hey Clyde, check and see if he’s got anything to drink in here. I’m thirsty.”

Clyde found a cooler in the back. As he was about to open it, something caught his eye. A loose screw was rolling around to his left. His eyes followed it to another, and another.

“Oh no.”

The Woodchipper 2

[Note: This story is a sequel to another short story, "The Woodchipper." This was revised 5/27/2024]

Amadeus opened his eyes. He looked down on the city. The world was faded and transparent, blurred, and unclear. He could see that the people glowed with life, shining like lights in the fog. He turned and saw Donnie and Clyde. Their forms were faded, without life. They were slowly circling upward, converging towards a hole in the sky.

Amadeus yanked both of them out.

"Hey!" Clyde said,"What are you doing?"

"Yeah," Donnie said, "what's the deal Amadeus? I was about to pass on to an eternity of paradise in heaven."

"Yeah me too," Clyde said.

"Stop and think for a moment," Amadeus said, "we can't just let it end like this."

"What do you mean?" Donnie asked.

"Yeah," Clyde said, "I mean, this kind of is the end, after all. We all died, so it's time to pass on to our eternal reward."

Donnie said, "We deserve a rest after our hard lives, after all."

"If you went to heaven right now," Amadeus said, "you would experience an eternity of dissatisfaction. An eternity with just one regret itching at you. How could you rest like that?"

"What do you mean?" Donnie asked.

"For all of our lives," Amadeus said, "we've had every single thing we've desired. Nothing has ever been denied of us." He paused. "Until… that man denied us our desire to throw that baby into the woodchipper."

"Yeah," Clyde said, "I guess you're right. It would suck to go to heaven without ever having thrown a baby into a woodchipper."

"We will achieve this desire, despite our untimely demise." Amadeus said. "And if the Night Disassembler tries to deny us, we'll throw him into a woodchipper too!"

Darius Dirk watched the procession of school buses full of orphans pass by. The philanthropists of the city had pooled their money together to send all of these poor children on a field trip, to give them respite from their unfortunate lives. Darius pressed the red button. The charges he planted on the bridge exploded. The bridge collapsed, the rush hour traffic started pouring into the lake, towards their inevitable demise. The screams filled his ears as he walked away.

Darius Dirk was 13 months old. He was known as the most evil baby in the world. While he had yet to learn to speak, he possessed incredible abilities. The amount of tragedies he created was uncounted. He had been imprisoned many times, but could simply not be stopped. He was recognized by the broken chains that hung from his arms and legs, clanking as he toddled along.

And then an unseen force grasped Darius. He struggled and cried as it lifted him off the ground, taking him away.

Ozias Ozbek watched the footage on his television. He fidgeted with some screws in his hand as he watched the bridge collapse. It frustrated him. The bridge was breaking into large, sloppy chunks. It was inelegant. If he was to disassemble that bridge, he would have—

Ozzy's phone rang. He picked it up.

“Ozzy, it’s me, Betty!” The voice on the other end bawled. “Clementine has gone missing again! I don't know what to do!"

“Don't worry Betty, I'll find her again." Ozzy put down the phone.

She was the 203rd person to call him about a missing baby in the past few days. It seemed there was a pandemic of baby disappearances. And yet he had yet to find a single clue to the whereabouts of the babies.

The newscaster spoke from the television. "In other news, workers on the docks have been complaining of poor working conditions, claiming the noise of hundreds of crying babies and heavy machinery coming from the abandoned factory is hurting morale. The city has yet to investigate these complaints, claiming noise is a normal part of work."

"If I had 203 babies…" Ozzy thought, "where would I keep them?" He considered the screw in his hand. "That's it! I'd hide them in the abandoned factory! The sounds of heavy machinery and babies crying would drown out any sound made by the 203 babies. No one would suspect a thing."

Ozias threw open the closet. His mask and suit hung in the same spot. "What is it? I was sleeping, you know."

"It's time for you to get to work."

Amadeus tossed Darius onto the shelf next to Clementine. He was bound tightly. Clementine looked at him with a sad, knowing look.

"All right," Amadeus grinned, "that's the last baby in the whole city! Let's get back to chipping!"

Ozias approached the factory. He was clad in his mask and suit, taking the form of the Night Disassembler. The sounds of crying babies and heavy machinery grew louder. Ozzy began to feel a little uneasy. Something about this place felt almost sinister.

He climbed up the side and entered through a door on a balcony.

Inside, hundreds of screaming babies moved down conveyor belts, all converging and running into a single, huge woodchipper.

He would have to disassemble the woodchipper if he wanted to save the babies.

He jumped onto one of the conveyor belts. It was the fastest route to the woodchipper.

Suddenly a ghostly form materialized in front of him. Amadeus's visage appeared, grinning.

"The Night Disassembler!"Amadeus snarled. "You won't disassemble this scheme! These babies are destined for the woodchipper!"

"Don't get in my way." The Night Disassembler stepped forward, over a baby.

Amadeus's ghostly form grabbed The Night Disassembler and threw him down on his face.

"You can't disassemble a ghost!" Amadeus yelled. He grinned. "Donnie and Clyde passed on to heaven after the first batch of babies went through the woodchipper. But I won't be satisfied until every single baby has been chipped!"

The Night Disassembler pulled a screwdriver from his belt. "That seems a bit excessive."

Amadeus lifted The Night Disassembler off the ground.

"Who do you think you're fooling?" Amadeus grimaced. "This 'Night Disassembler' get-up is ridiculous. Everyone knows you're really just Ozias Ozbek, the local mechanic."

"Don't bring Ozias into this." The Night Disassembler said.

Amadeus pulled him closer. "You know, we're not so different. I know how you are. Whenever you see something beautiful or precious, you want to break it down into little pieces. So you should be able to sympathize with me."

"You're right." The Night Disassembler said.

The conveyor belt broke, and The Night Disassembler tumbled off it, onto the ground. Babies poured down onto him, burying him in a pile. He dug himself out of the pile. The woodchipper roared, just a few feet away.

"Damn it!" Amadeus yelled. "I can't believe you disassembled it while I wasn't looking!"

"You should pass on." The Night Disassembler said. "I imagine the woodchippers are much nicer in heaven." He started piling babies into a wheelbarrow. "I'm going to take these back to their homes."

"Stop!" Amadeus said. "Look at that baby in your hand."

Ozzy looked at the baby. He was bound tightly. Chains hung from his arms and legs. His countenance was twisted with hate.

"That's Darius Dirk," Amadeus said, "the most evil baby in the world. If you save him, he'll surely do more evil." He came close to Ozzy. "Do you really want to save this baby from the woodchipper?"

Ozzy considered the baby for a moment. "No." He tossed Darius into the woodchipper. And that was the end of Darius Dirk.

The Woodchipper 3

"My son. My darling son. I have shed so many tears for you. I will not rest until I have avenged your unjust death."

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"What an incredible story," Barnaby said, "I've never heard of ghosts operating a woodchipper before."

"Yes," Ozias said, cutting his steak with a knife, "I'll admit it was a first for me."

"Ozzy's always the first one I call." Betty said, "He's so reliable. I haven't called 911 in years. I know Ozzy can handle anything."

Barnaby smiled. "My sister has told me so many stories about you, Ozbek. I'm happy to finally have gotten a chance to meet you."

"Ah, thank you. I hope I didn't disappoint."

Barnaby laughed. "You're an interesting guy, Ozbek."

Clementine politely sipped tea from a baby-sized teacup.

Barnaby considered Ozias. "I must ask, though. Why the mask? It seems like everyone knows who you really are, anyways."

Ozias paused in thought. "When I put on the mask, I become the Night Disassembler. Only the Night Disassembler can do these things."

"Ah," Barnaby nodded. "Very interesting."

Betty stood up from the table. "I must practice Clementine's speech. Today's a big day."

Ozzy was back in his workshop, carefully dissecting a fish. He had put each of its organs in its own little jar. His mind wandered. Barnaby was a beautiful and charming creature. What did he say he did for work? If only Ozzy could disassemble him. He had beautiful eyes. Perhaps he had a beautiful heart and and skull and lungs and–

The fish's eye slipped out of Ozzy's tweezers, and rolled onto the floor.

"Damn it."

He reached down to find it, but it had rolled off somewhere.

The phone rang.

"Oh, Ozzy!" Betty's voice called from the other end.

"What's happened?"

"Someone kidnapped Barnaby! They were wearing the mask of the Night Disassembler! Wearing your mask, Ozzy!"

"My mask?"

"I know it couldn't have been you, Ozzy! I know you have a pure heart! Someone must have disguised themself as you!"

"I'll find him." Ozzy put down the phone.

"If I had taken Barnaby," Ozzy picked up the fish eye, "where would I take him?" He stared into the fish eye. "Why, I'd invite him into my home. I'd serve him dinner. I'd treat him nicely. Maybe then I could convince him to let me… well… my house really is a mess right now. I should really clean it up."

Ozzy opened the door from his workshop to the living room. The roar of a woodchipper nearly deafened him.

A huge woodchipper stood in the middle of his living room. A figure wearing the mask of the Night Disassmbler carried Barnaby, bound and gagged, over his shoulder, ready to feed him into the machine.

Ozzy jumped at the machine with his screwdriver, and reduced it into a pile of parts.

The figure dropped Barnaby on the floor, and then began to laugh.

"Who are you?"

The figure removed the mask.

He was a massive man. His arms and legs were as thick as tree trunks. His sharp teeth gleamed in his huge grin. His eyes were fiery and piercing. His brow was contorted in an expression of hate.

"I am Dagon Dirk." He sneered. "You killed my beloved son, Night Disassembler. For that crime, I will shred you in the same woodchipper you shredded him in."

Ozzy lunged at Dagon. Dagon reached into a pocket and pulled out a huge sheet, covering his body like a curtain. Barnaby tore through the sheet and landed on the ground. Where was Dagon? His eyes darted around the room. The man was gone. How could such a huge man just disappear?

A small screw rolled out the front door. But Ozzy didn't notice.

He turned to Barnaby, still bound and gagged. Why, he could take Barnaby into his workshop and disassemble him this afternoon. Barnaby couldn't object in this state. No. He would just untie and ungag him.

Betty Blake stood at the podium, sweating.

"Well," she said, "uh, today we're cutting the ribbon for this new school my daughter Clementine helped create. It's for impoverished children, you know. Uh, I'm just going to read the speech Clementine wrote for this event…"

Out from the crowd, a small toddler toddled. He approached the podium.

"Oh," Betty looked at him, "where are your parents, little one?"

The toddler pulled out a remote and pressed a large red button. The roaring sound of a woodchipper emerged from behind the school.

Crash! Crunch! A giant woodchipper rolled through the school on massive treads. Giant mechanical crane arms pulled out pillars and fed them into its gaping maw. The crowd screamed in terror.

The toddler cackled and pulled off his mask. The huge form of Dagon Dirk appeared behind the disguise. He turned to the cameraman recording the event.

"Night Disassembler! You child murdering bastard! The woodchippers hunger and thirst! They will not be sated until they feast on your flesh and blood!" And then Dagon pulled out a sheet and vanished.

Ozzy watched the events unfolding on his television. "That's not good."

"Oh God." Barnaby said. "Betty and Clementine."

Ozias threw open the closet. The mask sneered down at him. "It seems you can't do anything without me."

"Shut up." Ozzy said. "It's time to get to work."

"What?" Barnaby said.

Ozzy just shook his head.

Betty's leg was trapped under a piece of rubble. The giant woodchipper roared louder and louder as it approached her. Clementine pulled at Betty, trying to free her.

"Oh Clementine!" Betty cried. "Leave me! Save yourself! The world needs you!"

Betty turned and saw the machine, almost on top of her. And then it collapsed into pieces.

The Night Disassembler emerged from the mess. He pulled the piece of rubble off of Betty.

"Are you all right, Betty?"

"Oh Ozzy," Betty cried, "we put so much of our souls into building that school. You must stop this terrible man before he destroys even more!"

"Ozbek," Barnaby emerged from the pieces behind him, "I found this. It must have been hidden inside the giant woodchipper." He handed Ozzy a note.

An address was written on the note.

A woodchipper roared in the middle of the playground. A conveyor belt slowly pushed a pile of sleeping puppies towards its mouth. A small dog was tied to a post, barking and yelping, just barely unable to reach the puppies.

Just before the puppies reached the mouth of the machine, the contraption exploded into pieces. Ozzy pulled the puppies from the pile. They were unharmed. He untied the small dog from the post.

"You're ok. It's ok." Ozzy petted the dog. Dagon was nowhere to be seen. Besides the dogs, the park seemed to be completely empty.

A car door slammed in the parking lot. Barnaby and Betty had arrived.

"Is this the place?" Betty yelled.

"How peculiar." Ozzy said.

"You fool!" The small dog pulled off its disguise, and Dagon emerged, towering over Ozzy.

Before Ozzy could react, Dagon bound him tightly in rope.

Barnaby rushed towards him. "Stop!"

Dagon turned towards him and grinned. His head crashed into Barnaby's, throwing Barnaby into the ground. Barnaby was dazed.

"Next time," Dagon laughed, "DON'T use your head." He carried Ozzy into a helicopter that was inconspicuously parked nearby.

"Barnaby!" Betty arrived at her brother's side. The helicopter flew off into the air.

Barnaby groaned. "We have to stop him, before Ozbek is nothing but giblets."

Barnaby and Betty arrived at the abandoned factory. The helicopter was parked just outside.

The noise of a roaring woodchipper could be heard from outside.

Ozzy was tied to a conveyor belt, slowly approaching the huge woodchipper.

Barnaby jumped onto the conveyor belt.

"Don't worry Ozbek, I'll get you out of this."

"Wait!" A voice called from nearby.

Barnaby turned and saw another Night Disassembler tied to another conveyor belt, running parallel to this one.

"It's a trick!" The second Ozzy called. "That's Dagon in disguise! I'm the real Night Disassambler!"

Barnaby froze. There was only time to untie one of them before the woodchipper shredded the other one. His eyes darted between the two figures, looking for some small difference. But they were exactly the same.

He turned to the first Night Disassembler beneath him.

"I trust you will make the right choice," the first one said, "Barnaby."

Barnaby untied the first Night Disassemble, and then pulled him from the conveyor belt, just as the other fell into the woodchipper.

Barnaby held Ozzy steady. "Are you all right?"

Ozzy laughed. "You fool!" He pulled off his mask. Dagon towered over Barnaby. "Not only is the Night Disassembler dead, but at the hand of his foolish friends, too!" He cackled.

Barnaby sank to his knees.

"No!" Betty cried.

"The blood of my darling son has been avenged." Dagon's voice was quiet. "Justice has been served. The woodchippers will terrorize your town no more."

There was a clanking noise. The woodchipper fell into pieces. Ozzy emerged from the tangle of metal. His clothes were torn. His mask was cracked. But he stood.

"How?" Dagon yelled. "That's impossible! Even I couldn't escape from those bonds!"

"It doesn't matter how tightly you bind me," Ozzy said, "I can disassemble anything and everything. And you're next."

"Not this time!" Dagon yelled. He jumped into his helicopter. "We'll fight again, Night Disassembler!" The helicopter lifted off the ground. "And again and again! Until you're shredded down to nothingness! Until my son is avenged!"

"He's getting away!" Betty yelled.

Ozzy leaned down and picked up a loose screw.

He smiled wryly.