If Stan Can Manipulate Probability, What Would Happen If He Got His Hands On The Infinity-sided Die?

If Stan can manipulate probability, what would happen if he got his hands on the infinity-sided die?

If Stan got his hands on an infinity-sided die…

Be afraid.

Be ve̷r͝y̨ afraid.

long overdue for @marypsue

—-

“I’m glad you came out Grunkle Ford.”

Ford smiled. “Well it’s not every day my favorite niece gets married.”

Mabel pumped her fist. “YES! I AM THE PRIME NIECE!”

He opened his mouth to remind her that they needed to be careful about the gnomes in this part of the forest, then remembered that Mabel not only perfected gnome deflection techniques, she apparently was on a quiz bowl team with Schmebulock at the Skull Fracture. 

They walked in comfortable silence for awhile. Ford pointed out some plaidypus tracks that they followed for awhile before conceding defeat; though how a bright red monotreme could disappear in the forest boggled Ford’s mind. Mabel took perhaps a little too much pleasure at nodding and waving at a passing unicorn herd, who ran screaming in terror away from her. 

Finally, when they had stopped at a little brook- to take notes and go wading- Mabel said, “So you know Dipper is Henry’s best man, right?”

Ford was proud of himself- he didn’t look up, didn’t stop taking notes, and his voice didn’t waver when he said, “Either you or Stan had mentioned it to me, yes.”

“Oh, okay, good. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t surprised or anything.”

Ford sighed. “Mabel, if you are worried about me creating a scene or starting any unpleasantness at your wedding, I can assure you that I am capable of not only being civil, but I’ve had extensive experience controlling inappropriate emotional responses.”

Mabel arched an eyebrow at him. 

Okay, he deserved that one. 

“Hey, I think I saw one of those salamanders you were looking for-” She bent over to start digging in the water. As Mabel sifted through the pebbles, she went on. “I know you won’t cause a fuss Grunkle Ford. It’s enough that you’re here this weekend.”

“I…” He didn’t know what to say. Finally, he managed a weak, “I’m just so busy, and you know the boat doesn’t get good reception.”

“FOUND ONE- poot, no that was a leaf. And no, you’re not busy. Well, I mean you are, but really you’re just avoiding Dipper, which means by extension you’re avoiding Stan and me.” A loud splash as Mabel overturned a large rock. “But I get it.”

He was frozen in place, as Mabel rooted in the mud to look for the seven tailed salamanders that lived in this brook. 

“What happened to Dipper; it can be as hard on us as it is on him. And not everyone is capable with dealing with it. It took me awhile to accept that but now I get it. I know you still love us both. You’re here, you’re not like, throwing weird holy water at Dipper or anything like that.” 

She stood up, now covered up to her shoulders in mud. “Since it’s just us out here, I just wanted to say thank you. I know it probably took a lot for you to come, and I appreciate it.”

The invitation sat on his table unopened for a week, and when he had the gumption to actually open it, it took another three days to pull the letter out, and of course he didn’t talk to Stan for two weeks because that would have meant addressing the matter and-

“I found one!” Two calloused hands suddenly appeared in front of his face, a multi limbed reptile squirming in them. 

Ford looked up at the smiling face of his grand-niece, accepting and completely without any guile.

He hadn’t felt this empty in a long time.

Twenty Questions

An Avarice AU fic starring @thelastspeecher‘s OC Angie.

on AO3

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I am slowly indoctrinating @ancientouroboros in the TAU fandom (one of us! one of us!) and this headcanon came out of it:

- when the Library is just starting out, Stan writes a bunch of ‘ancient magickal texts’ because the real thing are either hard to get one’s hands on, prohibitively expensive, or don’t exist. Also, the one thing he’s really good at is faking supernatural baloney, and he has to keep his hand in when the Mystery Shack goes under.

- (Soos usually gets them off the shelves before scholars and researchers find them. Usually.)

- But it doesn’t matter if Soos misses one or two, because everything Stan makes up and writes down about magic is true. Even the most ridiculous bullshit, like ‘duck feathers are really good for increasing your ability to solve mysteries’. It’s like a curse. Stan hates it, and hates even more that people have started looking at him as an expert on magic in the post-Transcendence world. 

- (Well, okay, so that part means he gets to lord it over Ford a bit, so maybe he doesn’t hate that part all that much.)

- As it turns out (when Ford sits down and studies the phenomenon to try to figure out just how his brother manages to be right about every single thing that he makes up off the top of his head, when Ford himself has been researching post-Transcendence anomalies for years and still hasn’t even published a single article, Stanley -), Stan isn’t describing things that are already true, he is actually writing new magic into existence.

- This is happening because he is ¼ secret witch on his mother’s side, and standing right next to a Demon Magic Explosion only made it worse.

- Now Stan has to be very, very careful what he promises customers 

- and he hates it 

- so much.

Everyone in Gravity Falls could tell a Pines from a mile off. How could you not?

Everyone knew that a Pines had masses of red hair, sometimes orangey and curly, sometimes darker red and wavey.

It wasn’t just playing spot the ginger either, because everyone knew that Pineses were all to a person giant. This was a family where six-even was almost freakishly small.

And they were loud and there were a ton of them and they knew all the best places in the forest and-

Listening from his booth at Greasy’s, Dan couldn’t help but shake his head a little. It seemed to him, that people forgot that the Pines twins were on the shorter side, hair soft brown, and a family tree that was more like a branch on a sapling.

And most of all, that people forgot that those were the exact same things they used to say about the Corduroys.

The waitress, under the watchful eye of Lazy Susan who had retired…. to manning the coffee station behind the counter, put down a plate of pancakes, and Dan dug in.

Yes, he remembered all the jokes from when he was growing up, how you could tell a Corduroy- the hair and the height and the smell of pine resin. And sure, there were scraps in school or in the bar or after church if someone overstepped, but for the most part Dan didn’t mind it. He was proud to be a Corduroy. As long as there had been Gravity Falls, there had been Corduroys. His pa had certainly not been one for book learning or mawkishness, but he made damn sure everyone of his boys (and girl) knew which buildings in town were made by them, what parts of the woods could only be logged by them.

Them. Theirs. Ours.

Those Pineses were Corduroys damnit, Corduroys through their dad and-

Dan took another bite of pancakes and shook his head slightly.

And he was being, as Wendy would most likely tell him, ridiculous.

After all, his family had basically thrown Henry away like trash to the curb. Their fault someone else had snapped him up instead.

(He regretted very little about his life, but the one sin that he would take with him to the grave was not getting that boy out earlier. April would have. Tyler would have.

Dan wished he had their courage.)

So what if his grandchildren got lumped into the Pines family sometimes? It happened to the triplets too, especially when they were out with him and Tyler. So what if Mabel and Dipper and Stan weren’t from here? They had certainly been around long enough, put down roots, hell put their lives on the line for this fucking town. 

At the end of the day, what really mattered was his family, in good health and good spirits. The secrets of the forest, Mother Corduroy’s house with that damn pool that attracted gnomes, the little stories that only his family knew and kept alive- those would all pass down, go to the next generation, didn’t make no matter what last name was attached. 

“Hey pumpkin!”

Dan looked up to see Tyler slide into the booth across from him. There was silver in his handlebar mustache now, and his shorts went down to his knees instead of mid-thigh, but he was still the same man Dan had married years ago.

“Sorry I was late, we had a little kerfluffle at City Hall- ever since the unicorns started voting, they’ve been nothing but trouble!” The waitress brought Tyler some silverware and a plate of silver dollars, and Tyler beamed his thanks at her. 

“What have you been up to?”

Dan smiled.

“Just wool gathering.”