Mind Blowing

Mind Blowing

Meadow sunset

Swimming is my passion

Thought I had major abandonment issues but turns out I was just neglected lol

My entire life I’ve battled depression, a few years back I got really bad, I had no idea how much pain I had been in before my life was ruined cause of my own choice of how I was living. I was so angry with life, I was hurting, I was afraid, I felt so much pain in my heart that I couldn’t bare my own thoughts anymore my mind was so full of thoughts that I couldn’t even think straight. I had no clue who I even was anymore. It made me feel weak, I was in panic mode all the time, I felt extremely lonely, my life had been falling apart, I had reacted in such a way that I had no idea what to expect from myself. I became numb while I sat with tears in my eyes, I felt my stomach ache from the stress of being in the most difficult place of life while I was hurting. I was beyond exhausted and tired. I didn’t want to feel the pain, much longer I was struggling with it all.

I had no energy for the smallest of tasks, I was so stressed out, exhausted, I couldn’t even get myself out of my bed I had to take a break from feeling so much of the stress that was causing my anxiety to be so intense and it took me a long time to get through the healing phase of being able to breathe again.. I was so anxious to get out of my head that I was just trying to take one day at a time. I couldn’t breathe at times, I was struggling with my asthma so bad.

I had to get out of the house and get my stuff done and that was a huge struggle for me I was so lost I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing anymore. I was in a very miserable place, but despite all of that I kept going. But the things that were happening in my life were not easy to cope with, they were a result of my own lack of self awareness. The things being done to me by this narcissist person that made it a hell of a nightmare to be in such a horrible mindset.

He was terrible and cruel to me every day. He was so toxic towards me I had prayed to God every day, somedays I was on my hands and knees begging for help to get me through this difficult time in my life. My ex was beyond ugly to me, his personality was so toxic, he treated me however he pleased, I was an object to him nothing more nothing less. He had no idea how much he was hurting me so I had to go through the process of heart break. I was very angry at him for being so selfish, he didn’t understand how I was devastated about him being so naive about everything he was putting me through. I chased him around for what seemed like a lifetime, i was proving myself to him, that I was worth fighting for, i begged for his attention, to be heard, to make him see that I was worth not getting cheated on, that I deserved someone to stay faithful to me and I was willing to do whatever it took to make us work.

I have struggled to voice my own thoughts, opinions and feelings for the past 30 years most of my life, I was too scared to speak out and ask for help from people, instead I trusted my own judgment to do it all on my own.

Playing the role of a mother, I was also working to support my children. I was battling postpartum depression shortly after giving birth to my son. I hadn’t had time to grieve over the fact I was in such pain that it was hard to keep up with all of the things I had been dealing with for so long..

I was being abused by my ex every single day for years, I was called horrible names, I was chocked, I was getting kicked around that was a huge embarrassment to me. I would cry because of the way I was being mistreated by him. He was a very unstable person, he has no sort of good character or any other form of self respect that he has to offer to anyone. He was unkind to me, the people who I was the closest to, he was very disrespectful and harsh towards my children, family, and friends.

It was a lot of things that he had done to me that made him very very angry at me, he would say all the time that he knew I deserved better than him, because of what he was doing to me, he was without a doubt the most narcissistic person I ever met. I stand by that.. he is not worth my time, blood, or tears. I was exhausted of the life I was living.

I had so much anger.. I had no idea how to deal with the situation that was so much more than I could possibly handle. I was coping to the reality of it all, the fact it was a lot more than I was able to handle. The night terrors, the way that it was suppose to be different, the things that were being said to me only to find out that they were all just lies that were being told to me by him..

I had been questioning my own life because how could someone claim to love and care for me while also hurting me?! I built a life with this person, I was fortunate enough to be blessed with two babies with him. It all went downhill afterwards, I was so devastated, I couldn’t even imagine the thought of how I would survive without him the thought itself was too much to even comprehend it all. I couldn’t imagine what our life’s would be without each other. the thought of loving you so deeply, I was willing to do anything to make it work out. I knew that I was willing to go through hell with you but how fair is that to anyone?!

I was so overwhelmed by the pain that it was difficult knowing what to do, how to fix it all!!!!!! I couldn’t do anything about it because of the fact I was fighting for the impossible.

And then it all went down the drain, I had to get a reality check on the truth that I was doing nothing wrong, I was protecting my children from all the evil that was happening to them and I. I was sad that my pain was so severe that I was going into a state of shock. I couldn’t believe I was in such a terrible situation I just wanted to wake up, be able to wake up out of this horrible nightmare that I was in. I was sickened by the way that my life was shattered into a billion pieces. Yet, I was the only one who was capable of putting myself back together, every single piece of me I had to make a choice to be able to heal from the trauma that I endured that had taken me through some of the darkest days of my life. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to be a light to those who have been through this awful experience while living through domestic violence.

It is so much more than just an inconvenience to be able to share my experiences with others. Domestic violence is serious, nobody should have to be afraid of their own life. I have a lot of people who witnessed the violence that occurred during the time I was with him, they have witnessed the worst of it all. My mom being a part of the chaotic life I was living through. It is very sad to hear that I have lived through this, it brings tears to my eyes because why does anybody deserve this kind of torture?! I am grateful for the experience of my own strength to overcome the worst of this, I hope that I will grow stronger as I heal from this all, who have suffered through the abuse and trauma.

I hope that we who have faced these horrible battles will find the courage to stand firm against the evilness that we all face in the world. I pray that whoever is in the position of being in a situation like this that you are capable of being heard by someone.

I was not worth being loved by him anymore because he had hurt me so badly, he was so proud of it. He had no remorse whatsoever, he had no self control and he had no idea how much he had hurt his own family in the process of his own chaos and his destruction. He was hurting his kids, he was hurting me.. He didn’t care the type of damage he was causing me, he was wanting to make my life miserable. He was proud of himself for all the chaos and pain he was causing, it made him feel better about his own life choices. I’m very appreciative of that heart break that I had to go through the depths of my life to see what I truly deserve. I have been through a hell of a time in my life.. someday I hope to be able to be loved by somebody again, I crave for a gentle love that will never question our love for one another. I pray God brings me love that is healthy, someone who is faithful to me, who is willing to love me and my babies.

I didn’t know how much of a difference it made me feel about the way I was treated during this time of my life, I was judged, I was held to a higher standard of self worth, I am now the most humble women, I understand why certain things happen to us, we should be open minded and aware of what is happening around us.

I am grateful for my struggles to be able to express my feelings the way that I should be able to and most important to be able to say that I’m not alone in this life.

I’ve learned my worth, I will never forget that I was born in a society where people are not always kind to others but rather a person that is willing to stand in their own path and be able to make a difference to others. I am unique in my own way. I am a very different person, I’m okay with that.

I felt I was being punished for being human.

I was hurting, I was sad, I was severely depressed…

I felt like a burden to everyone around me, it made me hate myself so much that even when I had a lot of people who had my back it hadn’t felt that way.

I hadn’t asked for my life to turn into something that was so unbearable for me. I just wanted someone to understand how draining my soul was..

I never wanted to have gone through the trouble of being a woman who was incapable of being heard, to go through so much of heart ache the fear of losing myself and being unable to fight for my own sanity, and my happiness. It was the worst feeling in life to feel this way in my whole existence. To feel worthless, I felt like I was being treated horribly by the people who were suppose to be my people. I felt so much heartache than anyone could imagine. Life has taught me that there was a lot of things that were not meant to happen in my lifetime but that there is something special about being able to live through the pain of losing your self, while slowly building myself back up. Your life has meaning and your own feelings matter to me because I care so much about YOU!! WHOEVER YOU ARE YOU ARE WORTHY 🤍

This relationship was a nightmare for me. I don’t even care about your opinion of my life.

You felt how you felt, I felt like I had no choice but to be honest with myself I didn’t even know who you were then and I can care less about who you are now.

I was so broken, the way he poured so much evil into me he could have given two fucks about me he never cared about me at all.

He treated me like a worthless garbage can and that says enough about him. I deserved to be treated better than this, by the person who I had been in love with. You made me realize how much you weren’t deserving of my love. You didn’t deserve access to me. It’s sad that people get treated so poorly, badly enough that they are being forced to go through the worst possible phase of life on their own and not be able to get a proper explanation for why they deserved to be treated so poorly by their own person who was suppose to be the one who was my saving grace instead you were a horrible mistake and a terrible lesson learned.

I suffered from the pain of being treated like this which caused me to go into a mental breakdown.

It was a horrifying traumatic abusive relationship with a narcissist who can bring you to the point of vulnerability.

I didn’t deserve to be treated this badly, there is lessons learned that are needed to be taught, be a good listener or be a helping hand for others.

We learn to have grace and peace in our hearts as we grow stronger each day to be able to do what we need to do to get through these tough times in life.

Nobody’s been harder on me than me.

I know that I’m a better person than I was when I was hurting, I know I am a better mom than I was when I was hurting, I know I am a better friend than I was when I was hurting, I know I am a better daughter than I was when I was hurting, I’m a better sister than I was when I was hurting…

I am only human. I’m not a bad person, I just want to be able to get back to my normal self again..

I went from having long hair to completely going short with it, I’ve heard that hair can hold a lot of memories, it can also hold a lot of emotions, feelings, and pain. It makes me feel better about myself after I cut it off. Letting go of your fears is not an easy thing to do but it’s the most powerful way to get rid of all the worries you have and make sure that you’re ready to take the leap of faith to get back to your own self.

You are what makes you stronger, you have to keep going forward and make sure you are able to get back on the right path to the next chapter of the story you are telling. The person who has been fighting against you for years, yet still has nothing to offer you in life. The individual who has been fighting against you has been the one who is the problem, they have lost their own way of existence they now suffer from the consequences of their own decisions. They have to live with their choices, they will be affected by this, they will suffer for eternity. Sooner or later they will feel the pain of losing you. They will remember you for how they destroyed your heart and your life. They have no idea how much it will hurt them when they remember the memories of the times they had you in their life, the fact they tried breaking the one person, who was there for them in the past and who was always there for them with so much love and forgiveness that is what they will live with that for the rest of their lifetime!!!!!!

You will feel the most loved by everyone around you for your soul that is so special.

You have to be there for yourself this time. You’re a priority, you have a lot to offer to yourself to help others in your life as you are now in the position of being a part of sharing your story. Don’t let anyone make you feel that you aren’t worthy of being loved. I’m beyond thankful for still being here. For as many times I had wanted to give up. I made the most of my life by being able to keep fighting. The only thing that matters is the strength to keep me going through this process of grief, suffering, healing, and being able to see the things I once had to endure in order to be able to see what was truly worth the sacrifice of my own body and my own soul.

The only person who can be saved by the grace of Jesus is anyone who has ever seen him in the most horrific way possible to be a hero in his entire existence the one that will save you from your own misery and the ones who are the only person that is willing to give you a chance to be the one that can be helped by the one that has given me the most valuable gift of all of this life to be able to live with it and be able to have the peace of mind and to have a better understanding of life than the one that we have now in our own heart Prayers are always the best and the most important thing to do. I have to be able to keep going through this every single day because of the fact I have little one’s who look after me every single day.

I hope you find peace in this life because you deserve it and you are beautiful, you are a very beautiful precious soul. 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

You were never created to feel depressed, unwanted, alone or ashamed. You were created to love and to be loved, and to feel that you are worthy and are valuable.