This Weather

this weather

The Christian conditioning to “pray and wait on God’s will” fucked up my life. Decades of choices, plans, skill building, wealth building, lost and unrecoverable, sacrificed to god and the church.

The years that the locusts ate were my good, young life poisoned by scrupulosity, the locusts were the high-control rules and conditions the church wielded to eat up my life.

There are three rules:

1. If you do not go after what you want, you will never have it.

2. If you do not ask, the answer will always be no.

3. If you do not step forward, you will remain in the same place.

I shouldn’t have to worry that my mother is going to còmmıt șùıcde just because I hurt her feelings when I enforced healthy boundaries. Objectively, I know that’s true, that her emotions and what she does with them are not my responsibility. But when a child grows up parenting a parent who was never parent, this is where we end up, feeling guilty for our parent’s emotions when they created the problem to begin with and we are here because they fail to take responsibility and instead put it on their children.

Frédéric Chopin

as the wind blows; antelope valley, california

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