"Out Of The Blue I'm Hit And I Am Experiencing A Fiery Crash. Taken Off Guard I Truly Did Not See This

"Out of the blue I'm hit And I am experiencing A fiery crash. Taken off guard I truly did not see this coming, But isn't that How it always comes? Silently in the night When you least expect it? Soaring through heaven Hell suddenly erupts Dragging you down. Flailing you grope for anything Just trying to find a foothold In order to stop your descent. You are afraid of the depths You know you can go to And everything in you Is wanting to fight. Unfortunately Everything in you Wants to give up. To stop flapping your wings And give in to the sleep. Here you are again Rolling in the pit of your own soul. How many times have you been here? A familiarity That hurts you more than the start." - Andrew

Some hours you're doing ok, others you're just not.

What is meaning?

Life was never enough for me. My imagination has always been better than what I live through. Inside I am more, able to be anything. Over the years what I see inside of my mind has grown. Maturing into something that scares me at times. A vision so perfect, so massive, that it encompasses the grand reality. It has consumed me, and I am drowning in it.

Do I believe in a fantasy that I created? Certainly. Am I going to die for it anyways? Possibly. My life will have meant something to me at least, and I will satisfy my heart. I have interpreted godhood from my life. Cosmic divinity filled with absolute significance. A drama spanning time and space, converging into this body I call my residence. All for one purpose, one crystalizing reason. An idea more precious to me than any possession. Something to beautiful for me to ever turn away from.

Humanity is that part of nature which possess a unique power. The ability to create meaning out of chaos. Significance out of madness. This is what it means to be God, and it is in this way that we create existence. There are things we cannot control, but we determine why that is. Why does it exist the way it does? Only we can say. Interpretation of information, until we live in the reality we believe we want. We determine what our purpose is. Some lie to themselves, bringing it about in secret from themselves because of a primal fear. Others come to know it, embrace it, and through great exertion of the soul give birth to a living work of art. Conscious pursuit of personal delusion, in order to achieve the purest spiritual freedom. Self anointing self creation. Reverse engineering our being backwards through time, and from that position plot our course into the future. Ever incorporating whatever the chaos brings us.

“Feeling like A dumbass Unable to understand Why Why it was too much to ask Why was this task Too much for me”

- Andrew

I didn't fucking romanticize you, I saw you for who you were, and loved you all the same

"I want to break things. Everything that I own. Dissapear into the night And never be heard from again. I am playing an impossible game One in which I always pick The wrong choice. This has been my entire life And it is getting old. I hate it all. You somehow find a way to control Every aspect of this trial. I try to find a path that let's me win But you keep stealing those away from me. If I leave it is because you told me to. If I stay That too is a command. All I am is a slave One who keeps falling for you Every time I try to make a break for it. You take my words And you tell me they mean nothing. You spout on about your heart But then have the nerve To tell me that mine is wrong. You leave me nothing. You want me to hurt you Because that is what you believe You deserve. I am a multi purpose tool, For pleasure and pain. I am the one person who loves you Who will not hurt you And therefore I am the one person You wish to see break. You want to be able to say "Ha! I told you! No one can love me! I told you so!" I hate it I hate It I hAte I HATE IT!!! This is not fair! I want to love you But all you want is for me to be like all the rest. I was a unique creature But you wanted me to be like them. Every disgusting creature Who only ever wanted to use you. You want to hate yourself so much That you would rip me apart. Even now I am shredding my own heart Writing this. I am swallowed up by insanity, And all I want is oblivion. I love you And you have literally turned this In to a sin." - Andrew

Undecided

“I want to be free of you And I never want to let you go. I never want to have sex with you again But I long to make love without ceasing. I hate and I love you. I want to scream at you And I wish to whisper how beautiful you are. You are driving me insane And I enjoy it Sometimes.

Is it possible That you will ever love me? More than you do; In a way that resembles my own? Every fiber of my body Is ripping itself apart. I am torn Being constantly pulled in two directions. I can’t seem to stay true To either course, Causing me to leave a terrible wake As I destroy everything. One moment I want nothing more Than to honor you. Put you first in everything As I soar on wings of hope. Then there is the next moment The one in which I want to break free. Declare my own worth And how much I have loved. Fueling my departure with fiery doubt That you will ever Chase after me.”

- Andrew