How To Have A Strong Sense Of Self?

How to have a strong sense of self?

A sense of self always starts with the question, “Who Am I?”

Not just your name, job title and family relations, but all of the internal things that make you who you are. Your beliefs, your morals, your values, your opinions, your religious and spiritual beliefs or lack thereof, your goals, your aspirations, your abilities, your personality traits. Getting to know yourself, essentially. Finding out all of the things that make you uniquely you. 

If someone asks a question about yourself that goes deeper than, “whats your favorite color?” and you have to give a long “ummmmm” and struggle to produce an answer, you may need to start getting to know yourself more. You may be able to answer eventually, but it’s the ease and speed of producing said answer that would point to a strong sense of self.

Here is a list of 371 “get to know me” questions. Some people lack a sense of self bc you have never had enough people around you that cared enough to ask you questions about yourself. Some of you were asked ‘get to know me’ questions, but you were too closed off to answer. After so many years of having walls around you, you never actually let them down long enough for even yourself to gain access to you. Some of you may not have a strong sense of self bc you feel disconnected from your family, your cultural background or society around you and you ended up with black sheep syndrome. No matter what the reason is, this is a fun way to start getting to know yourself and being comfortable and confident with the answers.

Having a strong sense of self is very important when it comes to making decisions in life. Whether it’s big or small, being able to confidently make choices that are stemmed from our genuine wants, opinions and values as opposed to choices that are being dictated by what others deem as good or bad makes a big difference. One allows us to live authentically, the other is living in the passenger seat. Some of this includes dressing how you like vs following trends to gain the approval of others. Dating people who actually make you happy vs dumping them bc others don’t think they are attractive or cool enough. Having political and religious beliefs that you genuinely agree with vs parroting only the popular opinion that is easiest to go along with. 

When you have a strong sense of self, you can accept your choices and decisions with ease bc you know that you made them with your truest feelings and can take complete accountability and responsibility for the outcome. It also makes it easier to change things you no longer like bc you can clearly understand what you are no longer satisfied with, why you are no longer satisfied with it and be confident in your abilities and limitations to make those changes. And that makes all the difference. 

On the other hand, having a weak or no sense of self will make navigating life’s choices extremely difficult and you may struggle to make choices at all. You may end up drifting through life, going along with what others do, only doing what others tell you, never feeling confident or secure with your decisions, always questioning if things are right for you, flip flopping your opinions, feeling discontent but not being able to pinpoint exactly what is wrong, and feeling a lack of passion or real ambition with anything you do. *these examples are not related to depression or other mood/mental disorders, I’m only speaking from the perspective of not knowing yourself enough on a fundamental level*

found this gem in the 1996 Cornell Women’s Handbook. it’s what to say when a guy tries to get out of using a condom

Your network is your networth!

Who you know greatly affects your net worth. You’ve probably heard the saying “you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. This is real! Who we spend our time with is a reflection of who we are and where our life is going. Hang around 4 broke people, you’ll be the 5th one. Or you can hang around 4 wealthy people, and become the 5th one.

You may be thinking “ok girl I know, but how do I meet high networth individuals?” That’s what I’ll be sharing with you today. I was in your shoes years ago. I went from only hanging around my high school friends to having corporate CEOs, financiers, and 6 figure entrepreneurs on speed dial. This was a very slow process and I was intentional with my behavior. I was in the corporate and finance space, and wanted to be around people that helped my career and business grow. If you’re someone like me that had the desire to level up their circle, but wasn’t sure on where to start then take notes of the below:

Determine the type of friend(s) you want to have. Are you like me, in the finance industry? Then you’ll want to associate yourself with financiers, accountants, investors and business owners. Maybe you’re an inspiring real estate agent and want to associate yourself with realtors, brokers, investors and contractors. Maybe you’re in law school, and want to be associated with top notch lawyers, other law students, and potential clients that’ll need a lawyer in the future. Before you start the journey of leveling up your circle, determine who it is you want around you. If not, you could attract all types of people that may not benefit your life. For example, if you focus only on having wealthy friends, you could attract the “New Money” tech guys or spoiled rich heirs that just want to party and drink. Be intentional with who you want around you.

Start small. I know we all want friends that make millions & billions of dollars, own a private jet, and spend $5k just on sleepwear. But if you’re only making $50-60k/year, that just won’t happen (yet). And that’s okay! I don’t know about y’all, but I’d feel uncomfortable having a friend THAT MUCH richer than me lol. You’ll feel left out or worse they may (unconsciously) look down on you and not treat you as their equal. It’s important to start small, and work your way up as you level up. For example, if you make $50-60k/year, look for friends that make $100k-$150k/year. If you’re already making $100k, look for friends that make $300k-$450k/year and so on. Sidenote: This has nothing to do with the men you date or mentors, always go for the wealthiest one😂 but when it comes to friends it’s important that you can relate to your friend group and be treated as an equal, even if you’re not as wealthy as them yet. Imagine going shopping with them, and you can only afford Forever21 while they’re at Gucci and LV. You never want to be in a postion where you’re uncomfortable or looked down upon. Start where you are and work your way up.

Be where they are. Now that you know who you want around you, ask yourself “where would my ideal friend(s) be? Stop going to Walmart and Dollar Tree, and start shopping at Whole Foods, Mariano’s, and the farmers market. If you want to increase the chances of running into a potential high value friend, go where high value people go. This doesn’t only mean 5 star restaurants and hotels, but think about what your ideal wealthy friend would do on a daily basis. Coffee shops, farmers market, high end gyms, luxury nail salons! All these are all places wealthy individuals may spend time during their day. Show up there consistently and be friendly! High end clubs, hotels, and restaurants are good to find men, but when it comes to friends it may be hard because most ladies go to these places WITH their friend group so they aren’t looking to make friends. But when you show up to their yoga class daily, always run into them at the gym, or bump into each other in the aisle at Whole Foods, you’re more likely to spark a conversation that can lead to a friendship.

Join clubs or sport groups. You may not be able to afford the six figure membership at the golf course right now or get invited to join elite social groups, but don’t let that discourage you. You can join paid book clubs and mastermind groups. If you’re good at tennis or badminton, join an adult league in a wealthy part of town. I started by going to business and finance networking groups in my city. Sometimes I met indivuals who were wealthy, sometimes I didn’t. But either way, I increased my chances by being there. Wealthy people tend to do sports like golf, tennis, skiing, horse racing, etc. If you’re good at those or willing to take lessons, then join an adult league. This is the easiest way to be around high value individuals and actually get the chance to build relationships with them. Remember: always stay in your budget, and don’t overspend just to fit into a group. If you can only afford to spend $100/month then find clubs within that budget. I promise you’ll find at least ONE friend that’ll be worth it.

Always look presentable. Unlike a lot of people on here, I won’t tell you that you need to leave the house in a designer purse and silk dress just to attract wealthy friends because that’s not true. Most of my wealthy friends only wear designer when we go out, and if they do I can’t tell because they’re not big on logos. Looking presentable simply means looking clean and polished. You can make a Fabletics outfit look like Lulu Lemon if you know what you’re doing. If you can’t afford an birkin, just buy a nice purse and take good care of it. Keep the colors you wear to a minimum, keep your outfits clean and clear of lint, and keep your hair and nails maintained. Never go out the house wearing PJs, yesterday’s sweat pants, and clothes that are too big/little for your body!

Be friendly! Stop walking around with a resting BITCH face all the time. This doesn’t mean you have to walk around smiling🤣 but just relax your face. If you need help with this, practice your resting “nice” face in the mirror. When you’re standing or walking around, get off your phone. You can’t expect to be open and friendly, if you’re always strolling on your phone. This gives off a vibe that you’re not in the mood to talk to those around you. When you’re in public places like the airport, grocery store or gym, spark a conversation! Compliment a girl’s outfit (only if you’re genuine) or chat about the weather with the guy behind you line. You’ll notice that some people are friendly, some are not. But the important thing is that you practice being friendly and you’ll open yourself up to new opportunities for friendships. I used to be shy, and NEVER did this. However, my brother was always the outgoing type and always spoke to people and made friends when we’d go out. I asked him how he was so good at sparking conversation he said “don’t over think it. Just talk!” I started to look up conversation starters on the internet and practiced his technique with everyone I came across. And eventually my shyness went away. This will take time and consistency. You can’t just be friendly one time and say “well I didn’t make friends today so this is pointless” because that’s not how it works. You’ll see results when you make it a HABIT of being friendly and of course being genuine. Trust me, people can tell when you’re fake.

Be a good friend. This is a no brainer, but most posts that talk about gaining high value friends sometimes miss this. It’s nice to want friends who are wealthy, but you also have to be an asset to them. They don’t need another person who just wants to use them because rich people get used all the time. They know when someone is only in their life for superficial reasons so add value. Be a good friend that’s always there when they need you, be a good listener, be compassionate, remember their birthday. It’s not enough to just want to be friends with someone because of what they have. Luckily, I’m a funny person and love hosting gatherings/parties. I know how to make my friends laugh so they always want to be around me because of the positive energy I bring. Ask yourself, why would someone want to be friends with me? How am I an asset to someone’s life? Weather it’s your loyalty, trustworthiness, or you just know how to make a friend laugh when they’re down, understand your assets. You can be honest with yourself and say “I don’t have any of those traits”. That’s okay! Some of us weren’t raised to be a good friend. Maybe your mom didnt have many friends or you grew up a loner so you’re not sure what it means to be a good friend. If that’s the case, do something about it. Read books on what it means to be a good person, a great friend, and how to care about people. Once you have these traits, you’ll attract people with similar qualities into your life. ❤️

Could you please give a list of the harshest things that you think we (general population of women trying to improve on themselves) need to hear

This post is part of my Tough Love Tuesdays series where followers send me their problems and receive a stern kick in the butt. They specifically asked for extremely harsh answers, so if you take offence to this or it makes you feel sensitive, then you need to keep scrolling because it is not directed at you, nor are you the target audience. They don’t want to be coddled, they don’t want sugar coating, they don’t want beating around the bush. They want painfully tough love.

The absolute overwhelming majority of men prefer women who are at a healthy weight.

Hypersexuality does not solve your problems, it's actually probably causing many of them.

A lot of you got useless degrees (from a financial standpoint) that put you several thousands of dollars into debt and got you a job that hardly lets you live a comfortable middle class life. Is that really something to flex?

A lot of you are extremely insecure and need constant validation, but you hide behind a facade of “I’m a bad bitch” as a protective mask.

If you want marriage and children, then spending years and years and years of your fertility window and most desired ages of attractiveness (in the eyes of men) not prioritizing marriage and children is an odd choice, wouldn’t you say?

Adding on to that, if you want marriage and children, there’s no need to pretend that you would be 100% perfectly fine and happy if it doesn’t happen for you. It’s okay to admit that you want it.

Your inability to take accountability for your bad choices in life is leading you down a path of destruction.

Far too many of you have placed yourself in an echo chamber that only promotes the idea that because you are a woman, you are 100% perfect exactly the way you are and you never need to change or grow or improve or better yourself in any way. They are lying to you <3

Not everyone suits the insta baddie look and there are other ways to level up physically besides going for that look.

A lot of the “men ain’t shit” crowd are women who ain’t shit and allow their terrible personalities and behavior to attract men who are mirrors of them.

Your mother caused you a lot of mental health problems. I can see that you are gearing up to keep that cycle going with your own daughters. Stop it. Get some help.

Your son is not your husband. Your daughter is not the second mom of the house.

Being a young single mother/baby mama actually is a big deal and you can’t be upset that it impacts you on the dating market.

Many people nowadays will not be financially secure enough to retire when the time comes. You NEED to start putting your money to the side now, before it’s too late.

Some of you need to finally admit that your weight is where it’s at solely because of you and your diet.

You claim that you don’t have time to do helpful self-improvement things for your life, but if I were to monitor you for a week, it’d be obvious that it’s a lie. You just don’t want to make the time for it.

At some point, you’re gonna have to ditch the vices you use to cope and finally start the healing process.

Many of the things on your list of requirements for what you want from a man point to the sum of a man who doesn’t exist. Your desires are fictitious.

Yes, your looks matter. A lot. Always have, always will.

Your inability to practice long term self-discipline is why your life is the way it is.

✨HOW TO BECOME A WEALTHY MIDDLE-AGED MAN✨

PT.2: Overview to understanding different saving/retirement methods, investments, and forms of income

2.1 Savings and Retirement

Welcome lovelies to (what I hope will be) a helpful series on gaining wealth and becoming financially literate and independent!

*disclaimer: while this advice can generally apply to many it will not apply to all. Everyone is in a different situation and should do their own research before they take what ANYONE says as fact or law. This is also coming from the perspective of a young, biracial, first generation female business student following a hypergamous lifestyle and who does sw so some advice may be specific to my like-minded ladies, but for the most part I just love money and want to help others find joy in their wallets as well. I am also operating in the US so things regarding accounts, stocks, and certain laws will vary by your country. Also, this is just a fun thing I wanted to do because talking about leveling up and learning and growing and money are my favorite past times. None of these pictures are mine, however I am using some links which may compensate me in some way, but I only used links which were mutually beneficial and would help you gain something as well, they are still just actual sources I use for myself.

✨THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND✨

Financial independence is different than financial confidence.

Financial Independence: “The most common sense of the term is that someone has enough wealth to live as they wish for the rest of their life without having to work.” -Investopedia https://www.investopedia.com/financial-edge/0611/declare-your-own-financial-independence-day.aspx

Financial Confidence: “We define financial confidence as having three aspects,” says Miler. “The first is awareness of how money can be a tool for helping you reach your goals and dreams. The second is financial literacy and understanding economic factors. The third is trust and knowing where to turn for financial advice.” -Forbes https://www.forbes.com/sites/shelleyzalis/2018/06/16/women-money-8-steps-for-growing-your-financial-confidence/?sh=2175b65e2468

While the ultimate goal is financial independence, financial confidence should be the main focus. I’ll give an example why. Imagine there are two people: Rhonda and Jill. Both of them like nice things, love to shop, and participate in the occasional splurge. Rhonda works a regular 9-5 and has a decent salary. She doesn’t have much financial knowledge (translation: financial confidence), but she has a savings account at her local bank and puts a couple hundred into retirement each year and she thinks that’s enough. Suddenly, Rhonda wins the lottery. Overnight she has become a millionaire, so she quits her job, moves to LA, and goes on to live life to the fullest. She would now be considered financially independent. However, Rhonda has no idea how to manage all that money. She puts a small amount into that bank savings account and takes the rest to do what she will. One day she tries her luck at a casino, in less than five hours she has lost all of her money and has to start back at square one with no job, only a few thousand to get her through, and no-good way to explain to employers that she just wasted the last 5 years spending money on handbags she now has to sell at a depreciated value. (BTW you would not last not working with only a million dollars in LA for that long)

Now, let’s look at Jill. Jill is an independent contractor and has a relatively steady income. She knows very little about finances, but she actively learns how to manage what she has and keeps up to date on the latest money news. The day that Rhonda won the lottery was just another Thursday for Jill, the only unique point for her was that she opened a savings accounts with a high APY (we’ll say 1%) and put in $5000.00. A little later she also opened a Roth IRA and puts in the maximum yearly allowance of $6000.00. Along the way she opened a brokerage account of her own and started trading in the stock market along with investing in real estate which has given her some extra income to play with each year. Unfortunately, another housing crash occurs, and all of the money Jill invested into real estate is gone. However, since Jill learned the skills behind her choices early on, she is knowledgeable and understands the ups and downs of the market and how to invest her money in other places in the meantime. And, that High yield savings account accrued around $50 more without her doing anything and she has that to fall back on, or worst case she can take out part of her principal Roth IRA contribution. 10 years from now Jill should start to see a steady increase in her Roth IRA that by retirement will be a little over 1 million and she should be comfortable and invested enough into stocks that she gains around $200-1000 extra each month.

I think you understand why you want to be Jill.

✨HAVING ADEQUATE SAVINGS = BEING YOUR OWN LIFEGUARD✨

As discussed in Pt.1 the first goal you should achieve is securing an emergency fund that could sustain you for a couple of months if things were to ever hit the fan, and starting a retirement fund should be in your top 5 goals to complete. The saying, “the rich get richer” is popular for a reason. Wealthy people know how to make their money work for them instead of them having to work for money. An easy way anyone can do the same is by opening the right accounts for your savings and retirement.

Savings: 

All of your savings should be in a high yield saving account or split between different high yield accounts. This is an account which will reward you some interest every period for having money in your account with them. This is incredibly easy to do. You can either research/ask your bank about their high yield accounts or do some googling to find some other bank. Then transfer your money and there you go! When looking at banks understand that the highest Annual Percent Yields (APY), or the interest they will reward you, are going to be from online banks because they have less operational costs than a brick and mortar, but they will also come with their own disadvantages, like less ATMs to access or the inability to use when outside of your country so make sure to look into that. IMPORTANT: Make sure that whatever bank you choose is FDIC-insured so if the bank were to ever collapse or lose your money you have insurance up to $250,000.This won’t generate a lot of extra cash, but an extra $20 every year is better than $0.

Retirement:

These accounts usually go by your current situation and what you see for your future.

401K: Probably the most known (I believe it’s only in the States but there might be something close to it in other countries) and that’s just because this is what employers usually offer if they offer anything. It is a retirement fund that your employer will set up and you can predefine how much of your paycheck you want to automatically go into it every time. Sometimes, the employers will also have a match program, and if they do you better max out the money they will contribute because that is FREE money! Most advice that I have seen has said to really only focus on this fund if your employer has that match program, otherwise I would focus on one of the accounts below. https://www.investopedia.com/articles/retirement/08/401k-info.asp

IRA: An IRA stands for Individual Retirement Account. There are three kinds…

                         Traditional: This IRA lets you put in pre-tax money and lets it grow tax-free until you make a withdrawal. Once you make the withdrawal that money is taxed at the current rate of your income at the time. Your contributions are tax deductible so you can write them off of your taxable income of that year. There are limits to how much you can contribute depending on your income, status, and whether you have another retirement fund as well.

                          Roth: With this IRA your contributions are taxed, but when you withdrawal money later on it is tax free. For those of you in a lower tax bracket than you believe you will be in the future, this IRA makes the most sense as you will pay less taxes now than you will when you are 59 ½ (The official age of retirement in the States). There are limits to how much you can contribute depending on your income, status, and whether you have another retirement fund as well.

                           SEP: Simplified Employee Pension. This is also an employer-based plan and may also work better for my self-employed gals out there. I don’t really know a lot on this one so I’ll just leave a link you can look into if it interests you: https://www.investopedia.com/ask/answers/102714/how-does-simplified-employee-pension-sep-ira-work.asp

You can have both a traditional and Roth IRA as long as you are eligible for both. Anyone with earned income (with a job or can prove a steady income) can contribute to a Traditional IRA, however with a Roth IRA, as a single you can earn up to $139,000 and contribute. Personally, if you are just getting started with all of this just set up one IRA and as you learn more you can take steps to get another or switch accounts.

https://www.investopedia.com/retirement/roth-vs-traditional-ira-which-is-right-for-you/

There are a plethora of other accounts, but they are more specialized and the top four should get you started on the right path to saving for retirement. I’m guessing that the majority of the audience reading these are women between the ages of 20-30. Trust me when I say that I love to spend money as much as the next girl, but I also would like to be completely comfortable should anything happen in my older years that screws up my marriage or job, and no one is going to secure that for you.

Also, I’m sorry this is so US-based, but once again it is all I know. I believe IRAs are more widespread than a 401K, but all that takes to find out is a Google search on your part.

Either way, make sure you have a plan going into 2021 for your savings and retirement because this economic whirlwind is far from over and there is always a chance for another recession, depression, or disaster. (Wow O, way to keep the mood light)

This was getting way too long with the investments added so look out for Pt.2.2 on the overview for investments (where the actual fun begins and I can stop being such a stick in the mud)…

VOCAB TO KNOW/RESEARCH:

Financial independence

Financial Confidence

APY

Roth IRA

brokerage account

High yield savings account

principal

401K

Traditional IRA

Once again… if in these posts I ever give bad advice, F- something up, or am just generally ignorant PLEASE call me out! Remember that just like you I am a young woman figuring everything out and while I am confident when talking about money, I am by no means a genius (only in spurts) so any chance to learn I appreciate. I hope you all learned something new today and as always…

With Love,

O

Self Dating Series: 30 Self-Honeymoon Date Ideas

Have you ever found yourself spending hours planning your next date? Or, spending hours preparing for a date? When is the last time that you dedicated that much time and energy getting excited about spending time with yourself? It is too often that we give so much of our energy to other people, expecting them to make us happy. If you’re like most women, you’ve likely spent a pretty decent amount of time getting to know everything about your ex, or your best friend or perhaps even a co-worker. Now, when they are no longer a factor, how much do you remember about yourself ? Are you as acutely aware of what your short and long-term goals are? Of what makes you happiest when you’re down? Of what your short-comings are? We all know that leveling up is not about finding a better man. It’s about being a better you. Start by looking inward, and loving yourself first. Here are some of my favorite ways that you can spend time with yourself:

❤️️watch your favorite TV series or movie + dedicate an entire day to it

❤️️spend an afternoon in the park with yourself (I love people watching)

❤️️take yourself to your favorite restaurant + order whatever you want—it helps if you get to know the owner ;)

❤️️go to the mall, visit your favorite stores + shop (or just try on clothes)

❤️️download a meditation app + practice with guided insight meditation

❤️️go to your favorite spa + spend several hours relaxing—it helps if you can encourage someone else to pay ;)

❤️️dedicate a whole day to taking amazing photos of yourself

❤️️redecorate your living space

❤️️cook yourself a really nice meal + have fun doing it

❤️️take a dance class

❤️️head to the museum

❤️️take a cooking class

❤️️take a relaxing self-love bath with candles, bath salts + honor your body

❤️️watch an inspirational documentary + converse with yourself about your thoughts

❤️️take photos of nature + don’t be afraid to get close to the insects

❤️️visit the grocery store + go down every aisle looking for ingredients to put something nice together

❤️️create a playlist of your favorite songs + play it on repeat all day

❤️️go to the gym + set a simple goal for yourself

❤️️write yourself a love letter

❤️️sit on the shore of the ocean, river, or lake—listen + let your mind be free

❤️️spend quality time with your pet

❤️️attend a gala or charity event

❤️️go to an open mic, comedy show, improv event, etc.

❤️️create a list of movies that you have been wanting to watch + books that you’ve wanted to read

❤️️take your camera or phone and go on a photo adventure

❤️️go through your camera roll + organize your memories

❤️️teach yourself something new (a recipe, a language, a skill, etc.)

❤️️go to the movies

❤️️have a DIY spa day

❤️️go out and ride your bike

I could go on and on, as these are just some of the things that I love. I guarantee you will find something that will bring you joy. Whether you’re interested in just spending more time with yourself, your date was canceled, or you’re jus bored, try one of these activities.