Hey You Know How I Said I Was Going To Make A Workbook On The Kind Of Bullshit You Need To Do When Someone

Hey you know how I said I was going to make a workbook on the kind of bullshit you need to do when someone you love dies? I actually did that.

HERE IS THE VERSION WITH LOTS OF SWEARING AT THE USELESS, SHITTY SITUATION YOU’RE IN.

HERE IS THE VERSION WITH A FAIR AMOUNT OF BLACK HUMOR BUT NO CURSEWORDS.

Featuring Helpful Sections such as:

Death Certificates – What you need, why you need them, and how to get them

Prepare to spend a long and miserable time on the phone

What the Everloving Fuck is Probate

Some Simple Dos and Don’ts

Shitty Mad Libs – Templates for writing Obituaries and Memorials

How to plan a non-religious death party

So you suddenly have to become some sort of hacker or some shit

This is an eighteen page book that you can print out, download, share, and give away; it is meant to be used to collect information about funeral planning and account management after a death OR you can use it BEFORE you die and give people information so they’re not stuck playing Nancy Fucking Drew while trying to keep seventeen cousins who crawled out of the woodwork from gutting each other in front of the fucking casket as they argue about who’s inheriting grandma’s favorite dentures.

It’s not exactly cheerful and it’s full of things that are probably going to feel really fucking raw if you’re processing a fresh death.

I’m sorry! I love you! Death is shitty! I’m trying to laugh about it a little and I hope you can laugh a little too because otherwise we’re all just going to cry together.

Good luck!

(in memory of my weirdo mother and her weirdo siblings who all died too fucking young and left me holding this flaming bag of dogshit)

Style Resources!

Learn how to build a summer capsule wardrobe!

Learn how to build a feminine capsule wardrobe!

Learn how to look chic on a budget!

Learn how to choose accessories!

Learn how to style a scarf top!

Learn how to style Levi's!

Learn how to style jeans femininely!

Learn how to build a feminine wardrobe!

Learn how to style your body type!

Learn about the Kibbe Styling Method!

Learn how to dress femininely!

Learn how to begin dressing femininely!

Learn how to style a midi skirt!

Learn how to style a silk slip!

Learn how to style a white shirt!

Learn how to style white jeans!

Learn how to look expensive on a budget!

Learn how to style yourself elegantly in cold weather!

Learn how to look even more feminine!

Learn how to find feminine fashion!

Learn how to style yourself for a summer date!

Learn about feminine clothing choices!

Learn how to style winter coats!

Learn how to style feminine fall dresses!

Learn how to choose undergarments!

Learn how to style yourself for work!

Learn about Veja Sneakers!

Learn about Louboutins :(

Learn about Manolo Blahniks!

Learn about feminine shoes!

Learn about feminine high heels!

Learn about comfortable designer heels!

Learn about Aquazzura heels!

Learn how to choose a designer purse!

Learn how to style feminine and casual outfits!

Learn how to style athleisure!

Learn how to style neutrals!

Learn about evening gowns!

Learn how to mix sneakers and dresses!

Learn how to wear a strapless and backless bra!

Learn about replica designer purses!

Learn how to build a jewellery collection!

Learn how to choose between gold and silver!

Learn about the Cartier Love Bracelet!

Learn how to style thigh high boots!

Learn how to style a power suit!

Learn about Kate Middleton's style!

Learn about Queen Letizia's style!

Learn how to copy Monica Bellucci's style!

Learn about Meghan Markle's style!

Learn how to capture a vintage aesthetic!

Learn how to dress for an semi-formal event!

Learn how to begin a handbag collection!

Learn about Yves Saint Laurent purses!

Learn about functional designer purses!

Learn how to build a wardrobe from scratch!

Learn how to build a classic capsule wardrobe!

Linsi <3

Video Resources <3

Etiquette!

Learn your basic etiquette skills!

Learn your daily etiquette skills!

Learn how to fix your standing posture!

Learn how to fix your sitting posture!

Learn how to host a dinner party!

Learn how to be a savvy hostess!

Learn about the Vienna Ball Season!

Learn how to write a thank you card!

Learn how to write a letter of condolences!

Learn about dining etiquette!

Learn about afternoon tea etiquette!

Learn how to ace a job interview!

Learn how to give and receive gifts!

Grooming and Skincare!

Learn how to thread your eyebrows!

Learn how to thread thick eyebrows!

Learn how to tweeze your eyebrows!

Learn how to shape your eyebrows!

Learn how to tint your eyebrows!

Learn how to do your own eyelash extensions!

Learn how to apply Lashify!

Learn how to use Lashify!

Learn how to dermaplane your face!

Learn how to do a facial lymphatic massage!

Learn how to use a Gua Sha!

Learn how to begin a skincare routine!

Learn about The Ordinary Skincare!

Learn how to get rid of hyperpigmentation!

Learn how to do glass skin!

Learn how to do microneedling!

Makeup!

Learn how to apply false lashes!

Learn how to apply false lashes underneath!

Learn how to apply dewy makeup!

Learn how to apply glowy glam makeup!

Learn how to apply minimalist makeup!

Learn how to apply simple glam makeup!

Learn how to do a daily makeup look!

Learn how to apply cocoa brown makeup!

Learn how to apply business casual makeup!

Learn how to apply IG baddie makeup!

Learn how to highlight and contour!

Learn how to style blue eyeshadow!

Learn how to apply smoky winged liner!

Learn how to overline your lips!

Learn how to apply nose contour!

Learn how to apply eyeshadow!

Haircare + Styling!

Learn how to curl your hair!

Learn how to wash your sew-in!

Learn how to sew-in a closure!

Learn how to go without baby hair!

Learn how to go with baby hair!

Learn how to install a closure wig!

Learn how to relax your hair!

Learn how to install a frontal!

Learn how to blow your hair out!

Learn how to do a bouncy blow dry!

Learn eleven lovely natural styles!

Learn how to condition 4C hair!

Learn how to wrap your hair!

Learn how to do box braids!

Learn how to do medium sized box braids!

Learn how to do jumbo box braids!

Learn how to do knotless braids!

Learn how to do jumbo braids with beads!

Learn how to do passion twists!

Learn how to do short passion twists!

Learn how to do long passion twists!

Learn how to do Bantu knots!

Learn how to cornrow!

Learn how to use Olaplex!

Learn how to revive a wig!

Learn how to do my favourite hairstyle!

Learn how to cut curtain bangs!

Nail Styling!

Learn how to shape your nails!

Learn how to file your nails!

Learn how to strengthen your nails!

Learn how to paint your nails!

Learn how to give yourself a french manicure!

Learn how to choose a polish!

Learn how to apply press-on nails!

Learn how to apply acrylic nails!

Learn how to do easy acrylic nails!

Learn how to master acrylic nails!

Learn how to do gel nails + tips!

Learn how to use gel polish!

Learn how to do a gel manicure!

Learn to give yourself a pedicure!

Learn how to cut your toenails!

Learn how to shape your toenails!

Learn how to do acrylic toenails!

Learn how to do easy acrylic toenails!

Learn how to do a white gel pedicure!

Learn how to do a gel pedicure!

Learn how to remove gel polish!

Learn how to remove acrylic nails!

Linsi <3

Style Resources!

Learn how to build a summer capsule wardrobe!

Learn how to build a feminine capsule wardrobe!

Learn how to look chic on a budget!

Learn how to choose accessories!

Learn how to style a scarf top!

Learn how to style Levi's!

Learn how to style jeans femininely!

Learn how to build a feminine wardrobe!

Learn how to style your body type!

Learn about the Kibbe Styling Method!

Learn how to dress femininely!

Learn how to begin dressing femininely!

Learn how to style a midi skirt!

Learn how to style a silk slip!

Learn how to style a white shirt!

Learn how to style white jeans!

Learn how to look expensive on a budget!

Learn how to style yourself elegantly in cold weather!

Learn how to look even more feminine!

Learn how to find feminine fashion!

Learn how to style yourself for a summer date!

Learn about feminine clothing choices!

Learn how to style winter coats!

Learn how to style feminine fall dresses!

Learn how to choose undergarments!

Learn how to style yourself for work!

Learn about Veja Sneakers!

Learn about Louboutins :(

Learn about Manolo Blahniks!

Learn about feminine shoes!

Learn about feminine high heels!

Learn about comfortable designer heels!

Learn about Aquazzura heels!

Learn how to choose a designer purse!

Learn how to style feminine and casual outfits!

Learn how to style athleisure!

Learn how to style neutrals!

Learn about evening gowns!

Learn how to mix sneakers and dresses!

Learn how to wear a strapless and backless bra!

Learn about replica designer purses!

Learn how to build a jewellery collection!

Learn how to choose between gold and silver!

Learn about the Cartier Love Bracelet!

Learn how to style thigh high boots!

Learn how to style a power suit!

Learn about Kate Middleton's style!

Learn about Queen Letizia's style!

Learn how to copy Monica Bellucci's style!

Learn about Meghan Markle's style!

Learn how to capture a vintage aesthetic!

Learn how to dress for an semi-formal event!

Learn how to begin a handbag collection!

Learn about Yves Saint Laurent purses!

Learn about functional designer purses!

Learn how to build a wardrobe from scratch!

Learn how to build a classic capsule wardrobe!

Linsi <3

When a job interviewer asks if you have any questions for them at the end, maybe don’t just make stuff up to impress them. (I saw this advice going around recently. I honestly don’t know why you would do that. Kudos to the person giving the advice though if it’s worked for them.) In a job interview, you are also vetting a company to see if they’re the right fit for you. Ask them relevant questions that you want to know the answer to! Don’t miss out on that opportunity to learn about red or green flags that will help you decide. (And obviously if you’re dead set on the job regardless of any red flags, this will help you anticipate what sort of job this will be.) You might want to ask things like… - Do you do annual performance reviews? - When dealing with a challenging project/customer/client, what support does someone working here have access to? - What’s your favorite benefit or perk that comes from working here? - How would you describe the company culture? - How would you say the attitude surrounding work-life balance is here? - What’s your favorite project you’ve worked on/thing you’ve done here? - What’s the hardest challenge you’ve had to solve working here? Questions like these will give you a better insight into the day to day of what working at a specific place might be like! (Not all of these apply to every type of job, so YMMV. Make up your own questions.) Some companies won’t be forthcoming about certain questions for obvious reasons (particularly ones about work-life balance), but you still might be able to catch the difference between a confident answer and a bullshit one.

If you don't mind me asking, what ARE the right codewords to use on doctors and such?

I’ve thought, many times, about writing a book or something that was basically How To Negotiate Your Disability Without Curling Into A Ball And Weeping More Than Once Or Twice A Week *Or* Murdering The Entire Universe (More Than Once Or Twice A Week).

Here are some highlights:

1) On acquiring adequate pain medication.

Never actually say “I really need strong drugs here doctor, because the drugs you and every other doctor gave me for this injury/illness didn’t work, and also I’ve been in pain for years and I’d like that to stop.”

While there are some doctors who speak human languages and will understand what you’re saying, most, when you say that, will hear:

“I am a ravening junkie werekaiju, and I will come to your house and EAT YOUR BABIES IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME HEROIN.”

You think I’m kidding? Watch a healthcare professional’s eyes when someone else says something like the following. Watch them shut down and back away and tighten up and generally stop treating the person like a human. So what do you say?

Try this:

“Well, I hate these drugs that make me *stupid*, you know? One of these so-called doctors — they gave me some pill that made me feel like I was on a whole separate planet for *years*, but I was still in pain! I have things to *do*, doctor. I have a job/family/projects. I wouldn’t be here if I could get my work done the way I am now, but if I can’t do them with the drugs you give me, then what’s the point?”

Make sure to translate this into the appropriate dialect for your area, but note the important points:

a) Reassures the doctor that you’re not one of those ~*eeevil*~ junkies.b) Reassures the doctor that you’re not one of those ~*eeevil*~ non-productive members of society.

c) Reassures the doctor that you’re not one of those ~*eeevil*~ weak-willed disabled people.

Remember not to use too *much* *correct* medical jargon — they get suspicious about that.

Yes, all of this is necessary a *lot* of the time.

With the above code, 95% of the time the doctors begin *cooing* at me and treating me like *royalty* — and *100%* of the time I have gotten the effective medication.

Pro-tip: If you can add a true (or true-sounding) story about how much you *hate* one *particular* opiate (“Percocet is useless! All it does is make me stupid!”), then you’re probably in the bag.

2) Acquiring mobility devices.

Never actually say “I need a walker/wheelchair/scooter, because I have trouble getting around, and also I have a great deal of fatigue and pain when I try to do so.”

While some healthcare professionals speak human languages and have souls… well. A lot of them? Will hear this:

“I am a fat, lazy, Fatty McFatFat, and I will continue to expand, much like the universe, until I am a drain on the resources of this great nation and a proof that you, doctor, are a failure. I will never use the mobility devices, ever, and they will gather dust in my home — a mockery of everything you, Morally Healthy Person, holds dear.”

Yes, I know this makes even less sense than the former, but I’ve interrogated these people — the ones who have still have partially-functional souls and minds — and this really is how it works in their adorable little pinheads.

They really do think we’re asking for these devices for… no reason at all.

Or, as my otherwise sane GP put it, she has an honest fear that people like us will  take one look at our new mobility devices and throw all caution — and sense — to the winds. That we’ll stop stretching and exercising. That those of us who *can* walk for short distances will — somehow! — decide to *never walk again*. That we’ll decide to — gleefully! cheerfully! blithely! — let every last one of the muscles we’ve been clinging to with our *fingernails* *atrophy* to *nothing*, because…

Because they think we’re idiots, that’s why. So, try this instead:

“I have a lot of pain and fatigue when I try to walk for any kind of distance, at all, and that’s getting in the way of my ability to have anything resembling an active life. It’s even hard to get to my doctor’s appointments sometimes! I want to do at least some of my own shopping and other errands, and go out with my friends, and at least try to hold down a job, but unless the weather is really good and I’m having a good day in other ways, it’s just not going to happen. I don’t want to stop using my cane/walker/whatever completely — and I *won’t* unless I *have* to, just like I won’t stop doing my PT and OT exercises — but I need something that will let me actually have a life.” Note the similarities to the pain management code — and yes, do make sure you put this in your own words.

But also make sure you keep everything that makes you sound like the Virtuous Handicapable Person you totally are.

Because that’s necessary.Yes, it is.Yes. It. Is. Just as it will be necessary, in many states — make sure you check — to add in this little number:

“It’s just… well, you know that I don’t really have any bladder or GI issues, doctor, but I still… sometimes… on bad mobility days… you know.”

Here’s where you look down.

“Sometimes I don’t make it… you know. In time.”

Understand that you’ll have to repeat this to, like, four different people. At least.Understand that some of them will make you get specific.

If it helps, pretend you’re Steph Brown, doing her level best to gross the everloving bejeezus out of her P.E. teacher with graphic stories about her period so she can get out of class and fight crime.

*I* certainly found that helpful.