GYJOUHHHH!

GYJOUHHHH!

💌Valentine's Day special!💌

La Squadra wants to take you out on a date! fem!reader

TW: Curses, Blasphemy, Striscia la notizia, Slurs

Valentine's Day, Naples

19:30 (6:30 p.m)

The headquarters are strangely silent. Bizarre. There's tension in the air, it's just like mission time, everyone's waiting for the enemy's slip up.

19:45 (6:45 p.m.)

The bathroom door on the second floor slightly opens. Pesci nervously checks out the surroundings. There's no one around. Even the hallway's mirror is clean. With a sigh of relief, the man carefully slips out of the bathroom, slowly closing the door on his way back. Before He can take another step, a familiar voice interrupts the quiet hallway.

"Pesci."

Prosciutto suddenly appears behind Pesci'back, startling him.

"AH!! Cazzo Fra', mi hai fatto prendere un colpo, c-che c'è, Prosciutto?"

(AH!!! Damn Fra', you scared the shit out of me, w-what's up, Prosciutto?)

Prosciutto slowly traps the poor guy against the door by menacingly getting closer to him.

"Come mai ti stai preparando? Esci con qualcuno?"

(Why did you get so dressed up for? Do you have a date with someone?)

Alea acta est. The die is cast. Prosciutto can spot a lie from a mile, so telling the truth is the only way around.Pesci is so upset that he's becoming part of the wooden door.

"In effetti teng' un appuntamento! Emh... Più o meno...S-Spero mi dica di sì..."

(I actually have a date! Um... Sort of...I-hope She'll say yes....)

By nervously looking down, Pesci notices that his Fra' his wearing his jimmy Choo's loafers with argyle socks... He only wears them when He's going out with a woman!

"Oh, ora è tutto chiaro. Buona fortuna allora...vai pure-"

(Oh, I see...Good luck then, you can go-)

Before Prosciutto can finish his sentence, Pesci frees himself detaching his body from the door while heading for the stairs.

"Emm.. grazie,frà..."

The guy is almost free, but suddenly a clock of a gun freezes his body. Pesci can literally feel the cold metal pushing into his neck.

"Pesci, Pesci, Pesci non mi hai lasciato finire-"

(Pesci, Pesci, Pesci, you didn't let me finish)

Prosciutto smiles.

" ...vai pure a casetta tua, caro il mio mammone, questa sera la signorina viene a cena con me. So benissimo che vuoi chiedere alla nuova arrivata di uscire...ma vedi, lei non è cosa per te..."

(...you can go back to your room, my dear mammone, the girl is having dinner with me this evening. and yes, I know you were trying to ask the new girl out...But You see, You're not her type.She's too good for you.)

He's trying to destroy his friend confidence. He's actually never been so mean but He's crazy about you and of course He's not the kind of guy who shares...

" ...Il 'buona fortuna' era per le tue minuscole cervella'.Una cazzata e te le faccio saltare."

(...The 'good luck' was for your tiny brains.One sudden move and I'll blow them out.)

Pesci quickly raises both of his hands as he feels a cold gun slide pressing between his neck and nape.

"FRÀTM MA SI USCIT' PAZZ?!"

(FRÀ Have you gone CRAZY?!)

"Zitto cocco di mamma. Ringrazia che non stia usando Grateful Death"

(Shut it mama's boy. You should feel Grateful that I'm not using my stand to knock you out.)

The situation is about to escalate to the worst when all of a sudden, the two gangsters hear a familiar whistling. Someone's coming from the stairs, merrily whistling "La donna è mobile" by Giuseppe Verdi. It's Formaggio! The man is hiding what looks like a heart shape box of Baci Perugina and a bottle of Falanghina wine under his right arm as he enters the hallway with nonchalance, pretending those two aren't even there.

" 'Sera"

" 'Sera...Oh aspetta un momento, FORMAGGIO DOVE PENSI DI ANDARE?!."

('Sera, Hey hold on a second, FORMAGGIO WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!)

"Mecojoni…"

Formaggio immediately sprints to the stairs leading to the attic, where your room is located. His plan was to show up to your room with chocolate and wine, so the two of you could get drunk and possibly fuck. Unfortunately for him, his plans quickly go up in smoke. But before he can even set his foot on the first stair-step, Formaggio is tackled by Prosciutto and Pesci. Luckily, the bottle doesn't break, but the Box gets crushed by Formaggio's own body.

"AARGH!Levatevi di dosso 'a infami froc*aroli!! Prosciutto io te sdrumo!! Te- AO!! LEVATE! T’arivorto come ‘n pedalino PORCODD*O! Me stai a sgara’ li cojoni!!LEVATE!"

(AARGH! Get off me you thirsty fagg*ts!!! Prosciutto I'm going to destroy you! I'm-AO!! GET OFF ME! I'll skin you alive PORCODD*O!You're pissing me off! GET UP!)

"OHI Pesci! Tienilo fermo!"

(Ohi Pesci,hold him!)

"Ci sto provando, Fra'!"

(I'm trying,Fra'!)

Formaggio starts loudly protesting in roman slang and tries to kick the two guys off. In a fit of exasperation, His left hand is about to reach the bottle of Falanghina that rolled a few meters away. Before he can actually grab the wine, a pair of red sneakers step right near his head. Ghiaccio's exited his bedroom, and He doesn't seem in a good mood.

"Formaggio..."

he growls

"Adexo mi spiegate perché, Cancaro di quel D*O, STATE IN MEZZO AL CORRIDOIO A INGROPPARVI A VICENDA!?DIOCANE ! NON C'È MAI PACE IN QUESTO BUCO DI MERDA!STATE SEMPRE A FARE BORDELLO!DIOPOMPELMO"

(Care to explain why YOU FUCKING 'TARDS ARE TRYING TO FINGER EACH OTHER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY?! D*O CANE! THERE'S NEVER PEACE IN THIS SHITHOLE!).

Prosciutto gets up, not cause Ghiaccio told them to, but because his Gucci suit is wrinkling. Formaggio has now the occasion to shake Pesci off his back and stand up again.

"State a pattina’ sur filo der vaffanculo. Guardate come mi avete ridotto la scatola di cioccolatini!"

(You're on thin ice. Just look at what you've done to my box of chocolates!)

He counters while picking up the heart-shaped box, it looks like someone ran over it with their car.

"Quanto baccano per una festa così mediocre"

(So much fuss for such a mediocre celebration)

The tall figure of illuso leaned over the giant hallway mirror. With a sly smile, Illuso approaches the small group, observing them almost with a sense of superiority. All He need is his charme to make you falla at his feet. At least, this is what He thinks...

"Comunque I Ferrero Rochet sono più bboni dei Baci Perugina"

(Ferrero Rocher are better than Baci Perugina)

"Ah. Ora siamo anche degli esperti di cioccolatini!Mio Maître chocolatier del cazzo!"

(Ah. Now we're also chocolate experts! My fucking Maître chocolatier!))

"Guarda che ti hanno fatto un favore.Ma dove vorresti andare con quella robaccia da due soldi? Che poraccio."

(They did you a favor. What do you think you're doing with that cheap junk? Such a lack of taste.)

"Illuso.Te do ‘na pizza che t’arestano pe’ vagabondaggio!!!"

(Illuso. If You don't shut up, I AM gonna smack the taste out of your mouth!!)

"OH MA PORCAMAD*NNA CHE COSA TI HO APPENA DETO,FORMAGGIO?!"

(OH PORCAMD*NNA, WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST TOLD YOU FORMAGGIO!?)

"Non urlare, deficente."

(Stop screaming, you stupid.)

counters Prosciutto while checking his hair in the same mirror Illuso used.

"Scusa Ghiaccio, Che cos'hai in mano?"

(Sorry Ghiaccio, What's that thing you're holding?)

Asks Pesci, interrupting the trio and pointing at the man's hand. Ghiaccio goes silent. He's clearly holding what looks like a love letter squeezed between his fist.

"...Bolletta dell'Enel."

(...Light bill.)

And Ghiaccio Lied.

"Oh ma davvero?Non ti avevano bandito dalle Poste Italiane di Napoli dopo che hai preso a calci la torretta Spid? E da quando la bolletta dell'Enel è piena di cuoricini?"

(Oh really? Weren't you banned from the Naples Post Office after you kicked their ATM ? And since when are there tiny hearts on the light bill?)

Finally Ghiaccio comes clean

"E VA BENE! È una lettera per voi sapete chi, l'ho scritta di mio pugno e-"

( ALRIGHT FINE! It's a letter for you know who, I wrote it myself and...)

Illuso cuts him immediately:

"-HAHAHAH! Una lettera?! E chi sei? Mio nonno in guerra??"

( -HAHAH! A letter?! Who do you think you are? My grandpa during the war?!)

" 'TASI MONA CHE TE DAGO UNA SMEMENA DIOCAN! Io e lei siamo estremamente compatibili! LO AMERA' '"

(SHUT UP YOU IDIOT, SOONER OR LATER YOU'RE GONNA CATCH THESE HANDS, DIOCAN! We're the perfect match! She will LOVE it! )

"compatibili?"

(The perfect...match?)

Suddenly, the door on their left creaks, opening with exasperating slowness. Melone is plunged into darkness, his face lit only by his languid laptop.

"Non penso proprio, bischeri. Sehondo ir mio Baby Face, io e la cittina siamo compatibili al 97% ma stasera ho intenzione di trascinarla nel mio letto e di provare ogni posizione possibile!! ANDRÀ DI MORTO BENE!"

(You guys are so naive. According to my Baby Face, the new girl and I have a solid 97% chance to be compatible. But tonight is the night, I am going to drag her into my bed and try every sexual position possible to see if the percentage gets higher!!! DI MOLTO!)

"Il mostro di Firenze, Signori."

(Gentlemens, The Monster of Florence)

Remarks Prosciutto in disgust and Ghiaccio immediately follows:

"TU NON STAI BENE CAZZO. CURATI."

(YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE, GET SOME HELP, MELONE!)

"A zorro, ariccojte ‘a sciabbola, che neanche tu fai 100"

(Calm down Ghiaccio, You're not 100% sane either.)

counters Formaggio while wheezing.

"Andateci piano, picciriddi."

(Quiet,children.)

"We,Parli tu Forma? Ma figurati se la nuova ragazza vuole anche solo avvicinarsi a un pirla come te"

(You're one who's talking, Forma? The new girl doesn't even want to get close to a jerk like you.)

" Devi solo che abbozzà, che quando parli sembri er cazzo de Gabibbo!!"

((Try me bitch, You're nothing but a cheapskate, You didn't even got her a present!)

"A chi hai dato del Genovese Brutto pezzo di merda?!"

(Who did you call cheapskate you piece of shit?!)

"Di morto bene~ Boia deh, ora son guai."

(Di molto~ You can start the catfight!"

" TASI MELONE. TANTO SAPPIAMO TUTTI CHE SEI UN PISANO DI MERDA.MI SON ROTTO IL CAZZO IO VADO SU"

(SHUT YOUR MOUTH MELONE, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! THAT'S IT. I'M GOING UPSTAIRS!!)

"OH. Non pensarci nemmeno, minchione!!"

(OH. Don't you even think about it, bitch!!)

The entire gang tries to rush up the stairs, all at once, squirming and frantically attempting to block each other's way, until...

"Uagliò..Sento dei passi"

(Guys...I hear footsteps...)

"Sta scendendo..." For some reason, Prosciutto is not so sure. However, He's still hearing the footsteps.

( She' s on her way down..)

"Giù, giù, giù! Fate come se niente fosse!"

(Back off! Back off! Back off!!Quickly! Act like nothing happened )

All the men display themselves along the hallway as if they were on the cover of Vogue Italia. As they are posing like professional models, the footsteps get closer.

"Stiamo a fare comunella come le scolarette nei bagni?"

( Mumbling and Cackling like schoolgirls in a bathroom?)

Risotto emerges from the shadows, holding a bouquet of black roses almost as big as he is. The tension is palpable. Before anyone else can actually say a single thing, Risotto cuts it short:

" La picciotta ha già un appuntamento stasera."

(She's already on a date with someone else.)

#E CON CHI??!#

#WITH WHO??!#

20:02 (08:02 p.m)

Meanwhile in a romantic restaurant called "Renzo e Lucia", a man with a black bob cut and eyes as blue as the sea, is merrily chatting with you as he holds your hand.

Bruno: Che cosa ti va mangiare, amore?

(What would like to eat, amore?)

it’s crazy how i don’t know what any of you do for school/uni/work? who are you guys outside of tumblr? what do you work as?? 

Fugio sketches for a fic i won’t write

La squadra Esecuzioni in my circus AU. They chose horror theme for their performances.

Oh God I'm so proud about it. I never was the fan of horror things, but this designs are my masterpieces

This is how la squadra got melone