: !

𝙂𝙇𝙄𝙏𝘾𝙃 𝙈𝙊𝘿𝙀: 𝙖𝙣 𝙣𝙘𝙩 𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢 𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙨 !

Welcome to GLITCH MODE; an rpg starring none other than the nct dream members! In each mission, you will take on the role of a new character and play through the story quest to reach the end!

[MAIN MENU]: from controllers and professional gaming pc’s, to head sets and twitch subs— the boys have it all. competitive, smart and ever ready to win, they begin to realize that there’s another prize lying out in the real world for them, the prize of your heart.

[SETTINGS]: fluff, angst, gamer! au, streamer! au, various trope pairings, fluff, angst, comedy, romance, suggestive, food, profanity, etc. warnings and themes will be added with every individual fic.

[DURATION]: speedrun: 3k | playthrough: 9k

[NEW GAME]: START (latest release)

▸𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟐 | na jaemin

version: streamer! jaemin, gamer! jaemin, friends with benefits au, profanity, fluff, slight comedy, angst duration: tba closed beta test: Na Jaemin has always been player 1, the one at the top of the player chart with all the wins and everything he could possibly want. Being the best sometimes got to his head and unfortunately for you, you were the girl who was hopelessly in love with him, eager to please. It’s sad really, the fact he only ever saw you as player 2.

CLICK TO PLAY!

▸𝐌𝐄 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐒𝟓 | lee donghyuck

version: streamer! hyuck, gamer! hyuck, established relationship au, profanity, comedy, fluff, slight angst duration: tba closed beta test: Your boyfriend is sweet and considerate, always looking out for you and making sure to be there for you. You had met him in one of your college classes and although you had been with him for over two years, sometimes you wonder if he loved his PlayStation 5 more than he loved you.

CLICK TO PLAY!

▸𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐈𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 | lee jeno

version: gamer! jeno, streamer! jeno, enemies to lovers but also friends to lovers, profanity, fluff, comedy, angst duration: tba closed beta test: Lee Jeno is the epitome of everything you could ever hate, and the feeling is mutual. You’ve competed in almost everything against each other, determined to gain the upper hand. On a totally unrelated note, that fun streamer you’re pretty good friends with is thinking about doing a face reveal.

CLICK TO PLAY!

▸𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐀𝐃𝐄 | zhong chenle

version: gamer! chenle, streamer! chenle, friends to lovers, profanity, fluff, comedy, mutual pining, angst duration: tba closed beta test: Zhong Chenle wasn’t the type of guy to get nervous easily. He had known his worth ever since he was a little kid, so it wasn’t often that he found his palms sweating and words stumbling over each other. The only time that happened was when you were involved.

CLICK TO PLAY!

▸𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐑 | mark lee

version: gamer! mark, streamer! mark, strangers to lovers, profanity, fluff, comedy, angst duration: tba closed beta test: Mark Lee was popular, there was no doubt about that. Being one of the most relevant twitch streamers tended to do that to you in the online world as well as the offline one. That popularity led to a plethora of people falling for his sweet demeanor and pretty smile, so you knew that winning his heart would be a challenging game it itself.

CLICK TO PLAY!

▸𝐂𝐑𝐘𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐒 | huang renjun

version: gamer! renjun, streamer! renjun, exes to lovers, profanity, fluff, comedy, angst duration: tba closed beta test: You’re heard of crying in the club, now get ready for crying on your DS! There was only one person in the world who managed to get you doing that and it was none other than your darling ex-boyfriend; Huang Renjun. The world hates you though, because you end up having to compete against him in a gaming competition. Using a DS.

CLICK TO PLAY!

▸𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑, 𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐎𝐘 | park jisung

version: gamer! jisung, streamer! jisung, best friends to lovers, profanity, fluff, comedy, angst,  duration: tba closed beta test: Jisung was the complete opposite of you, he liked peaceful games like animal crossing and you liked league. He liked story based games and you liked horror. Too bad that he was head over heels for you, because if there was one this both his viewers and you liked to do, it was to make him suffer.

CLICK TO PLAY!

sometimes i think maybe the russos and kevin feige actually care about bucky barnes but then i remember the Infinity War poster 🤦‍♀️

Din Djarin x Fem!Reader 

Genres: Smut, action, fluff, angst.

Rating: 18+ nsfw will be marked with **

What is a former combat medic to do when an injured Mandalorian stumbles upon her clinic one night on Klatooine? Updated sporadically - I try to keep it once a fortnight but that is contentious at best. Arcs are listed chronologically and begin pre-Season 1 and will extend beyond the finale of Season 2.

| Main Masterlist |

.

Prequel Arc - pre-season 1 of The Mandalorian. You encounter Mando suffering one misfortune after another. [complete 15k]

| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |

The Interlude - Season 1 episode 8. The Mandalorian sends his most precious cargo to you. [complete 15k]

| Part 1 |

Exploration Arc - Canon divergent. Before the beginning of Season 2. It’s mighty hard to distract yourself from your mysterious and alluring shipmate, so why bother?  [complete 120k]

| Part 1* | Part 2* | Part 3* | Part 4* | Part 5* | Part 6* | Part 7* | Part 8* | Part 9* |

New Republic Arc - Between Season 2 Episode 1 and throughout Episode 2. Din’s recklessness this time was a step too far. [complete 55k]

| Part 1* | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4* |

Pamarthe Arc - Immediately after New Republic Arc. The lead you pick up brings you, Din and the Child to a familiar planet. [Companion Guides]

| Part 1* | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 |

[optional miniseries] Wounded Stag Arc - Season 2 Episode 3 to Season 2 Episode 6. A highly sensitive and dangerous mission has Senetor Organa teaming one of her best pilots with the person she trusts the most: her brother. M/M Luke Skywalker/OMC Kai Carria

| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 |

The Jedi Arc - Season 2 Episode 3 to Season 2 Episode 8. Note: some canon events are mentioned in passing to avoid repeating episodes line for line.

| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 |

The Lost Arc - Two months after the events of Season 2 Episode 8.

| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 |

Descendants Arc - Three weeks after the conclusion of The Lost Arc.

| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |

Heart of Mandalore Arc - Immediately following the Descendants Arc.

| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |

to be continued…

**

Stitches Verse Extras:

Mandomedic One Shots | antigen |

Mandomedic Drabbles| one |

OC Drabbles | one | two |

| Din Djarin NSFW Alphabet |

| Stitches Art |

| Headcanons |

Hi, I'm Amy and this is the chapter list for the first part of my 'The Bear & The Fox' Series!

Hope you stick around and remember that comments are always appreciated even on older chapters!

Bonus link to my Carmy one shots:

Cigarette smoke & Spices

Paint strained kisses

Part I: The Bear & The Fox (Carmy Berzatto x Fem!Reader)

Chapter 1: Bear meets fox.

Chapter 2: Like a fox caught in the headlights.

Chapter 3: Pin a fox skin to the wall, call it decoration.

Chapter 4: Bring a fox to a bear fight.

Chapter 5: The Fantastic Mrs. Fox pt. 1

Chapter 6: The Fantastic Mrs. Fox pt. 2

Chapter 7: Into the bear's den

Chapter 8: Bear Cubs

Chapter 9: You catch more bears with honey

Chapter 10: Bared teeth and knuckles red

Chapter 11: Collateral Damage

Chapter 12: A Carmy shade of blue

Chapter 13: Epilogue

Tbr 🤭

to my first love

▸ itoshi sae x fem!reader

▸ 17.3k words (cri)

▸ non-linear narrative, high school au to married au (this two-shot fic breezes through at least a decade), fluff and angst, hurt/comfort, school drama, heartbreak, slow burn romance, ft. brief kaiser x fem!reader (sorry not sorry)

▸ warnings: a bit of swearing, the characters talk about/mention suggestive topics, this is all fiction (the 2002 fifa world cup did not see a match between japan and germany!), also i've used the term football instead of soccer!

▸ this story reads as an exploration of girlhood more than anything and is a story i've wanted to tell for a long time. it'll manifest as a two-shot fic; 'to my first love' and 'to my last love', so here's the first part while i work on the latter!

when you agreed to date itoshi sae in mid-october of 1993, you never imagined he'd be your first love—whose presence would continue to linger in your life, hauntingly, even if a year, two, or ten came to pass

“Would you rather be someone’s first love or last love?”

The sudden question pulls you out of your ocean-filled daze and you drop your gaze to the boy with his head in your lap. His eyes are blissfully shut while your fingers absent-mindedly card through his blonde locks, captivated by how the dyed ends resemble that shade of blue where the sky meets the sea.

It’s an odd question coming from Kaiser but Germany's springs, with its fluctuating temperatures and unsuspecting moments, have a way of ushering in new beginnings and novel habits. You don’t think about the answer too much. 

“Last love.”

Kaiser cracks an eye open, holding the back of his hand over his face to block out the afternoon sun. There’s not a cloud in sight but the chill of winter hasn’t fully thawed yet and you shiver a little when the sea breeze crawls down your neck and into your sweater.

“Interesting,” he says, drawing out each syllable.

“And let me guess, you wouldn’t choose either?”

“Bingo.” Kaiser pulls himself up, digging his bare heels into the sand as he leans on his arms beside you. “Life’s too short to be tied down to one place for too long.”

“That’s such a you thing to say.”

He shrugs. “Call me non-committal but this”—he gestures between you and him, referring to the ambiguous nature of your relationship that started just a few weeks ago—“just fits me better.”

“Yeah, I can see that.”

Kaiser lets the silence drag for a little while as he digs through the sand. He finds a small seashell, the color of bubblegum and chipped at the corner, and places it in your open palm. “And what’s your reason? Why someone’s last love?”

“For the obvious reason,” you say, holding the little gift up to the light.

“Which is?”

“If you’re someone’s last love, then you’re… the game-changer. You’re it. No one is going to come after because... you’re the one they chose, you know?”

Kaiser cocks his head to the side. For a moment, you think he might burst out laughing at how serious you sound, or make fun of you for how confident you seem. You've come to know him as someone who didn't really take these things to heart and you almost wish you hadn't said anything at all. He doesn’t laugh at you though, just turns to you with a curious look on his face. It makes you wonder if his fooling around has always been in his nature or if it's just a cover-up. 

“So why is everyone obsessed with first loves?”

“You sure have a lot of questions today," you say, glancing over at him with narrowed eyes.

He chuckles briefly before falling on his back again, hands folded behind his head. “I’m a curious guy.”

“Well,” you say, pausing for a moment. “Everyone says your first love is unforgettable.”

Another wave crashes onto shore and two seagulls fly overhead. You wish you brought your camera with you to capture this unparalleled ocean view. It’s the first time you’ve been to the sea this year.

“Did you ever have a first love?” Kaiser asks, squinting up at you.

“Yeah.”

“When?”

“When I was 16.”

“That’s, what, eight years ago?”

“Yeah.”

There’s another pause, punctuated only by his deep breaths and your loud exhale. It feels like you already know what he’s going to ask next. 

“Do you still think of him?”

You take in the salt air and let your thoughts drift with the current. 

“Sometimes,” you say, but the truth is that you’ve been thinking about him since you first arrived at the beach that day. It was hard not to see him when he was present in every memory you had of the endless horizon. You felt him in the grains of sand between your toes, in the cool breeze against your cheek, and in the comforting sound of the waves breaking on the shore.

You couldn't divorce your view of the ocean from him, you couldn't separate its beauty from someone who once occupied a great space in your life. After all, Sae had always loved going to the sea and you had always loved Sae.

You last saw Itoshi Sae in the summer of ‘96.

It wasn’t a particularly fond memory, but one you seemed to recall quite vividly. The run-down radio sitting next to the cash register crackled like the dying out of New Year's fireworks as the café owner tinkered with its dial, hoping to catch a signal. It was by some miracle—or the owner's impatient rattling and that last smack to the back of the old device—that the radio found a signal just when the announcer exclaimed that Japan would be co-hosting the 2002 FIFA World Cup alongside Korea.

The room was riddled with mixed emotions that even you, a mere observer, noticed. Some people jumped to their feet and noisily celebrated what they deemed to be Japan's first milestone in world football, while others were visibly less enthusiastic, lamenting the country's predicament for sharing the limelight with its political rival at the time.

Sae would've had something to say about it as well, but the commotion seemed worlds away from the corner booth that you and he occupied—a seat that the two of you claimed since the early days of high school. 

By some contradiction, Sae seemed like a completely different and yet exactly the same person after six months of being abroad. He was still handsome, still had a head full of reddish-brown bangs framing his stoic face, and was still turning 20 in October. And beneath that familiar yet pointed gaze, you still buckled, shifting your eyes to stare at your half-finished cup of coffee instead.

“I know I made a mistake,” Sae repeated once the room settled down enough for a conversation to be had. He leaned forward in his seat, hands clasped together on the table. He didn’t reach for you, but his eyes softened in a bid to change your mind like it has before. “But I... still care about you.”

If you were honest—with yourself and with him as well—you’ve been dying to hear those words from his mouth. Sae broke up with you on New Year’s Day of that year and while you spent months cautiously picking up the shattered pieces of your heart, Sae left for Spain to start his career in football, seemingly unfazed by the conclusion of your two-year relationship.

But that was how Sae always was: indifferent and unconcerned, even when it came to you, even after months of him tearing down your walls and you eventually being given permission to trespass his.

It seemed, however, that Sae had a radar for your fluctuating feelings because as soon as you found the resolve to get back on your feet and move on from a boy who once promised you he would never leave, Sae reached out through a friend to tell you he’d like to see you during his two-week break back in Japan that July. 

Your first instinct was to refuse, of course. It wasn’t fair that Sae, of his own accord, decided he didn’t want to see you anymore only to change his mind when he realized he couldn’t do without you. As if you still stood there, frozen in time on the coldest night of January, besides the river watching the fireworks all by yourself. As if he could simply find you where he left you, waiting, crying, and aching to forgive him for months of radio silence.

You should’ve said no but it was your pride as an 18-year-old girl on the line. There was an unshakeable urge to prove to him that you weren’t broken and devastated since he left you. That separation wasn't the most difficult thing you ever had to work through before, that you weren't so weak and fragile. But even though you told yourself you didn’t miss him enough times to believe it, you still couldn’t help but feel hopeful when he extended that invite. 

Standing before Sae again proved hard, perhaps one of the hardest encounters you’ve ever had because there sat a boy you loved through and through, and yet you couldn’t express it. Sae had never been one for flowery words or grandiose expressions but you knew him enough to know he was glad to see you. His eyes shone with astonishment when you finally did arrive, albeit 20 minutes late, as if he didn’t expect you to actually show up. When he ordered your drink for you, confirming with you beforehand that it was still your favorite on the menu, you noticed how the corners of his lips twitched in relief.

You waded through small talk to ease the tension and relieve your stiff bones of the awkwardness of seeing him again. You mentioned that Mama supported your pursuit of higher education and how you’d be moving to the city and starting your first semester at university in September. 

Sae, on the other hand, spoke highly of Europe, making it out to be a society generations ahead of the small hometown you both grew up in. You didn’t know how to feel about it. It sounded as if he was finally happy to break free of the confines of his life before going to Spain, and you couldn’t help but wonder if you were just another link in those chains that held him back.

Because of all the distant talk about the FIFA World Cup in the café, you were reminded of why Sae broke up with you in the first place; you were nothing more than a distraction in his pursuit of a football career. Well, it wasn't quite worded as bluntly as that, though you registered it all the same. Long distance wasn't worth the effort, he had said. Recalling this renewed the resolve you came with, and it reminded you not to crumble before his lukewarm apology.

So you steeled yourself against his honest words with a lie you thought would guard your poor heart. 

“You hurt me, Sae. I don't want anything to do with you.”

If Sae could see through your lie the way you could see through his stoic expressions, he didn’t show. You’ve imagined this very scenario unfolding in your head a hundred times over, always wondering how he might've responded to your indifference for a change, even if feigned. Would he question you? Would he fight for you? Would he argue with you and try to convince you otherwise?

You knew what the answers to those questions would be and yet your heart still fell to your stomach when he only responded with a lackluster, “I know.”

You took two long sips of your cold coffee, preferring to stare at the bottom of your mug than at Sae’s face. Before you considered gulping down the rest of the beverage, Sae shifted in his seat, pulling out what looked to be a brand-new cell phone. He flipped it open before sliding it across the table to you. “Give me your number so we can stay in touch.”

“I don’t have my own phone.”

“Landline?”

“It’s the same as before.”

You didn’t know what the silence that followed meant. A flood of memories came rushing back to you and all you could think of were the afternoons you spent waiting by the telephone in case Sae called, or the late nights you spent hunched under the kitchen table with the cord stretched from where the bulky device hung on the wall. You’d be on the phone with him for hours until your arm grew tired of holding the phone up and you’d wedge it between your cheek and shoulder.

Sae took his cell phone back and started punching in the keys, quietly murmuring what you realized to be your landline number. Something in your chest stirred upon finding out that he still had it memorized.

You came home with a sense of accomplishment and a pretense feeling of closure. You didn’t lose to Itoshi Sae, you reiterated to yourself. You didn’t give yourself away so easily despite every fiber of your being wanted to. Sae broke up with you and you hated the idea that he felt he could undo all the hurt he put you through just by asking you back. So you did the right thing. You lied, but you did the right thing. And you were committed to spending the next few months turning it into an irrefutable truth.

But you didn’t know that a part of you always chose to love Sae no matter how much you denied it. You could try to ruin his name and sully your memories of him, but the image of your first love never truly wavers—it just lingers.

You were 16 years old in the first year of high school when you were suddenly assigned to co-captain one of the teams for Sports Day. The task came out of nowhere—you didn’t even think 10th graders were supposed to be co-captains though you chalked it up to your flawless P.E. attendance—and just as you were about to protest to a teacher about it, your fellow co-captain found you first.

Everyone seemed to know who Itoshi Sae was—captain of the school’s football team and an effortless so-called genius in his academics. You felt quite out of the loop when it came to school gossip so you really didn't recognize him at first. A brooding figure stood by your locker one morning and upon glimpsing his name Itoshi Sae on his nametag as you approached, nervousness struck your knees. This was your co-captain and he was in the year above you, so you made sure to be as respectable as possible when greeting him.

Your first encounter lasted less than a minute and was nothing less than hostile. He snapped at you for making him wait long—even though you couldn’t have possibly known he’d be waiting—and didn’t bother to introduce himself after you expressed your genuine wish to get along well with him. 

“I’ll say this once: I don’t need a co-captain. They’re doing this to spite me, so just forget about it. I can handle everything.”

You didn’t even know who they were but Sae didn’t give you a chance to react or respond. He pushed himself off of the lockers and subsequently made his way into the crowded hallway, clearing a path for himself where he made every head turn. You didn’t have a favorable first impression of him but his demeanor, and everyone's reactions to him, did spark curiosity.

After Sports Day concluded and your team—well, Sae’s team—won, you saw him around the school more often. Though it might’ve been more fitting to say that you noticed him more. Although the 11th graders typically had their classes on the floor above you, you would sometimes cross paths with him in the hallway. He’d grab an energy drink from the cafeteria while you sat in the corner reading. You’d be in the teacher’s room running a small errand when he’d come in to help a teacher wheel the television set into his classroom. These chance moments turned into tallies recorded in your head and you slowly understood why the girls often fawned over him. He was cool and the fact that he was so uninterested in all the attention he attracted made him even cooler.

But you never imagined that one day you would be at the center of that unwanted attention. Everyone noticed Sae waiting by your locker again one afternoon and the rumors spread like the plague. What was worse was that no one seemed to be interested in the truth, even though you explained a hundred times that Sae simply needed you to pass on a textbook to his younger brother, who was incidentally in your class.

Anju, your seatmate and friend, seemed the least convinced by your clarification. 

“It’s a ruse. You really think someone like Itoshi Sae would go out of his way to ask someone else to do it? If you can use that brain for algebra, try a little harder when it comes to boys!” she gave you a playful whack on the shoulder to finish.

You tried your defense again. “I mean, Rin really does happen to be in our class. He could've asked anyone in our class. Maybe I just happened to be the first person he came across?"

“No, he was waiting by your locker. It’s weird and fishy. Sae barely talks to anyone aside from the boys on the football team.”

You weren’t convinced by Anju’s claims until you decided to make your own observations in the following week or so, and you didn’t know what to think when you found out she was right. Sae mostly kept his eyes on the ground whenever he was in the hallway or the cafeteria, scarcely ever responding to or acknowledging anyone’s greetings, not even his teachers'. You even stayed back at school on the days the football team had practice to see if he was more communicative amongst his teammates, which he was.

It was odd and you didn’t know why you would be an anomaly but it came off as a little exciting to you.

And that harmless interaction by your locker ended up fueling months of elbow-nudging, knowing glances, and teasing smirks from the rest of the student body whenever you and Sae happened to be within the same vicinity. Even your childhood friend and neighbor Bachira, who was in the class next door, joined in on the fun, vandalizing your couple name—a very unfitting mash of your name and Sae’s—under the old wooden desks.

“You know what, I bet your babies would look beautiful! They’d be football prodigies and math whizzes!”

Your face flushed with embarrassment, stealing the pencil from his grip so he could keep from doodling a poorly drawn image of what was supposed to be you and the upperclassman. 

“Please don't ever say that in front of Mama.”

“Ooh, do you think Aunty would like him? He’s not very likable at first but he does soften up after some time! Oh, like putting butter out from the fridge!”

“What are you even talking about, Meguru.”

With your classmates making harmless comments like that left and right, it was hard not to entertain the thought sometimes and... eventually succumb to the narrative they’ve written. Because what if you did begin to have a crush on Sae? What if you did think he was as handsome as the girls always said? What if you did feel butterflies when he so much as glanced in your direction in the hallway?

In hindsight, perhaps you had known since then that love was always a choice. The feelings you grew to have for Sae were not things you couldn’t help; they were a product of a series of decisions you consciously made over and over.

And it was by some coincidence, or a surefire sign of fate, that Sae made the very same decision because, in a move that you would have never predicted, Sae became the first boy ever to confess to you.

It was mid-October and despite the chilling air of autumn, you recalled the blistering afternoon sun out on the school’s football field. The field was known to the students as the multipurpose patch for how often it was used for just about everything, from school fairs, plays, and bazaars, to assemblies and sporting events. Boys from each year of high school left the pitch with reddened cheeks, sweat-soaked jerseys, and a hand towel, either wrapped around their necks or thrown over their heads. Isagi, a classmate that Anju had been crushing on, was among them, chugging his water bottle and ignoring the way it dripped from his chin. Bachira was there too, who jogged towards you sitting on a nearby bench to hand you the change from the cash he borrowed at lunch.

The bench was located under a canopy at the midway point between the football field and the front gates of the school, so it wasn’t so much of an odd thing for you to be sitting there. Sometimes the seat was occupied, or students would leave their bags while they ran off to buy sweets from the shops down the street. But when it was vacant, it was a nice spot to read. 

Or peek at the training football team.

Sae was always the last to leave. He was highly committed to his meticulous cool-down stretches and helped the coach pack up the equipment, like the cones and the dirtied training bibs the other boys would haphazardly pile in the middle of the field. 

Usually, you’d pick up your things and leave through the front gate before Sae returned from the shed where the school stored all the sporting equipment. But on that day, for a reason you'd never know, you didn't move from your spot. And when Sae walked down the path, instead of characteristically passing you by without a word, he sat down right next to you, dropping his bag to the ground.

“Hi,” he said, giving you a small nod before leaning forward with his elbows on his knees to wipe the sweat from his temple. 

Despite the outrageous rumors going around school about you and Sae, this was virtually the third time you’d spoken to him—and the first time he has ever greeted you like that. Your interactions with him were consistently brief and stiff. He never treated you with any sort of special attention and yet you fumbled with your fingers, hoping you wouldn’t blurt out the wrong thing. 

“You’re not heading home yet?” he said after you acknowledged him with a small smile.

“Oh, I will soon,” was all you could say because you were trying to wrap your head around the fact that Sae was trying to strike up a conversation. Hence, knowing that you barely knew him at all and barely spoke to him, it couldn’t possibly have been your fault when you almost choked at what he followed up with.

“Do you want to go out with me?”

You had saucers for eyes, your heart beating in your throat, and brows so tightly knit they began to grow sore.

Sae didn’t even bat an eyelash, still maintaining that laid-back persona he was known for. 

“I like you, so do you want to date?” His clarification was blunt and straightforward, his expression as serious as ever that an outsider looking in would have never guessed that the boy was making a confession.

Your heart was climbing up your throat while your stomach knotted itself ten times over because it never occurred to you that Sae could feel what you felt, no less say it to you as well. 

As a 16-year-old girl swayed by the idea of love and romance told through the Western films you rented on VHS, Sae’s confession brought with it a flurry of emotions. Your insides churned, your inner voice screamed, a strange sense of doom lurked, your cheeks burned, and your heart raced. In the rush of it all, you simply agreed.

And so began your relationship with Sae.

It took you about a year and a half of saving your earnings from your part-time job at the ice cream shop to make the best purchase of your life. You plugged the cord of your headphones into your brand new MP3 player, then thought carefully about what song you wanted to listen to, until finally deciding on one that you associated with the last trimester of high school, tapping into that nostalgia that came with the rush of graduating. You were a button away from playing the tune but stopped short upon realizing your knee hadn’t stopped shaking.

The older woman sitting next to you seemed to take notice as well because before you could slip on your headphones, she tapped your shoulder.

“Is it your first time flying?” she asked kindly.

You returned her warm smile, trying hard to put your knee to rest but very much failing to do so. The waiting lounge was more crowded than when you first arrived and there were only ten minutes to go until boarding time. “Yes, it is.”

“And you’re traveling alone too?”

“Yeah...” you laughed. You imagined Mama might be laughing too. It took months of begging her to give you permission to get on a plane by yourself and you recalled taking care of everything on your own; applying for your passport and visa, booking the flight tickets, and getting all the documents arranged. Now that you were actually about to get on an aircraft, you were so filled with fear you practically shook.

“What a brave girl you are!” you didn’t care that she adopted a tone that one would speak to a child with because her encouraging words gave you so much strength that you didn’t even notice your heart wasn’t racing anymore. “Do you have any friends or family in Munich?”

You shook your head, a sheepish expression taking over your features. “I’m going to a university exchange student program for a semester. I don’t know anyone there so I’m hoping I’ll make some friends.” 

“Oh, that’s wonderful. I wish my university offered that when I was studying! Was Germany the only option or did you have other choices?”

“It depends, I think, but there are quite a lot of options, like South Korea, Britain, France, America…” 

Spain. Associations always came easy to you, songs with memories, places with people—and Spain always reminded you of Sae.

You last spoke to him two years ago in that café. Your telephone rang a couple of times in the days after but you never picked up. You went as far as to ask Mama to make up an excuse if she ever found Sae on the other end. She listened despite her reprimanding. Anju also said avoidance was a terrible coping mechanism, but you didn’t know what else to do. You already told him you didn't want anything to do with him and it wasn’t as if you and Sae had been the best of friends before you dated, so what was left? If Sae thought he could just wedge himself back into your life and resume where you left off, you refused. 

The calls stopped after a month or so, and your landline number changed when you and Mama moved from your hometown to the outskirts of the city.

You kept in touch with Bachira though, and it was mostly through him that you’d get snippets of how Sae was doing, without you having to ask, of course. You heard he was transferred to a different well-known Spanish club, that football managers all over Europe had their eyes on him, and that he was doing quite well. No matter where he went, Sae always invited unwanted attention and, at times, you wondered how he felt about that. 

For two years you wrestled with the back-and-forth of missing your ex-boyfriend and trying to get over him, fully convinced that it had to be one or the other, that those things could not possibly co-exist. It was a tough battle for the most part. You cursed yourself whenever you caught your thoughts drifting to him and you began shutting out every small reminder of him. You threw out the things that you accumulated during the relationship—a teddy bear, a sweatshirt, old movie tickets—and you steered clear of places that you used to frequent with him too, which unfortunately included your favorite waffle house.

But after two years of realizing you’d never truly move on from him, that perhaps it wasn't such a black-or-white matter, you made the decision to accept the fact that you might always miss him, allowing yourself to think of him every now and then. Missing him didn't necessarily mean that you wanted him back and it definitely didn't mean that you had regressed back to those days when you used to cling to him. With these thoughts in mind, you were more at peace with yourself. You certainly didn't want to waste time being tormented over a relationship that happened in high school.

“Good afternoon, passengers. This is a boarding announcement for all passengers of flight JL102 to Munich. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Thank you.”

The lady sitting beside you began gathering her things before turning to you again, an empathetic hand on your shoulder. “Well then, it was lovely to meet you. Good luck with your studies. The flight will be over in a jiffy, so don’t get too nervous,” she laughed. “The cabin crew are also very kind, so you can always ask them if there is anything you need.”

“Thank you so much,” you said, so touched by a stranger’s kind words. You saw traces of Mama in her that you almost felt like pulling the woman into an embrace and bursting into tears. You missed Mama so much already and you hadn’t even left yet.

You boarded the plane with your cabin suitcase in tow behind you. The aircraft’s low ceiling and narrow aisles surprised you, prompting you to carry your bag in front of you for better mobility. 

You were, however, more shocked when you discovered who would be sitting next to you on the plane for the next 14 hours. You looked at your boarding pass, then at the row number above the seats, then back at your boarding pass, a resigned sigh quietly leaving your lips when you make full eye contact with Itoshi Rin, Sae’s brother.

At school, you kept your relationship with Sae under wraps for the first few months—you were too embarrassed about what people would think, whereas Sae simply didn’t want to draw any more attention to himself. 

You were content with the arrangement though. In fact, you found it kind of exhilarating whenever you stayed back after school to discreetly meet him in the empty cafeteria, or whenever you exchanged prolonged glances in the hallway, with Sae’s head tilting ever so slightly to the side as you break into a smile. The secrecy of it all made you giddy and because it was something only you and Sae knew about, you figured that was romantic in and of itself.

“Your shoelaces.”

Sae approached you without warning one morning and though you did a double-take, confused as to why he was speaking to you so openly in the hallway, you realized there wasn’t another student in sight. Sae had a free period and you happened to run into him on the way to the bathroom.

A small gasp left your lips when he stopped before you and got down on one knee, helping you fix your laces. You scanned the hallway once more, worried that a teacher or another student might walk in on this scene. But with no one in sight, your gaze returned to the top of Sae's head and it felt as though your concerns evaporated all of a sudden. Standing this close to him, you caught a whiff of his scent, the same one that always lingered after him whenever you passed him by in the halls.

You didn’t notice that he finished until he looked up to catch you staring, emerald eyes gently searching yours. 

“What is it?” he asked, rising to his feet.

“N-nothing,” you sputtered, blinking a few times to shake yourself out of that daze. “You have training today, right?”

Sae shook his head. “No, it’s canceled today.”

“Oh,” you perked up at that, but glanced down the hall again in that same breath, missing the way Sae almost smiled. “Are we meeting later then?”

With a nod, he said, “at the library.”

“Is there something you’re looking for?”

“Yeah, a book for literature.”

“Okay.”

The entire school day passed by like molasses whenever you looked forward to those afternoon rendezvouses with Sae. Third and fourth periods dragged on forever and even the lunch break seemed longer than usual, which wasn’t something you’d usually complain about. The last two periods weren’t so bad since you had a substitute teacher, but even then, you continued to stare at the wall clock, your eyes lazily watching its hands until the dismissal bell finally rang.

You began walking to the library about twenty minutes after the bell, once the crowd of students dispersed and you were certain no one was lingering idly inside the building. When you emerged from the bend of the hallway's corner, you noticed Sae already waiting in front of the library. He entered the library as soon as you made eye contact, which was a wordless way to ask you to follow after.

You preferred studying at home compared to the library so the musty smell of books and carpet was new to you. The librarian was nowhere to be found, but the marker with its lid left open on her desk and the steaming hot cup of tea were indications that she was nearby.

You navigated the maze of shelves looking for Sae until someone yanked your wrist and suddenly pulled you into the aisle of history books and maps. Sae clamped his hand over your mouth before you could yelp then maneuvered his body to block the way in which you came. You didn’t know why he was making such a fuss until you heard the faint sound of chattering. A pair of students passed by the aisle right then and both you and Sae held your breath. In the dead quiet, all you could feel was your heart beating out of your chest standing this close to someone you called your boyfriend.

When the coast was clear, Sae let go, quietly apologizing for the roughness of his actions and putting that established distance between your bodies again.

The time between Sae looking for a novel and the both of you sitting down at one of the study nooks was spent in comfortable silence. You perused through the various titles on the shelves while Sae’s gaze ricocheted between you and the various texts he was collecting. When you were seated at the tables, Sae busied himself at the desk across from you, while you found yourself recalling a conversation you overheard during the last period. 

A group of girls you weren’t too closely acquainted with had a particularly loud conversation, which you felt justified your eavesdropping. As you tuned in and out of their conversation, you figured out that the girls were teasing their friend who just revealed she was dating someone outside of school.

“Ooh, and how far have you gone with him?” one of the girls asked, a cheeky tone to her voice.

“First base?”

“Huh… no way, second base?!” another girl shrieked.

The girls gasped and giggled as the one being teased grew redder by the second.

“You sly fox, tell us all about it!”

“At this rate, she might go all the way, don’t you think?”

"Is he that good?"

“Oh my god! Not so loud!”

The conversation stayed on your mind mostly because you didn’t really know what they were talking about. It seemed like what they spoke of were things you were supposed to do when you were dating someone, which made you wonder what dating someone even really meant. Was it about liking someone and having them like you back? Was it about wanting to get to know someone better? If so, then how did it really differ from being friends? What distinguishes a romantic relationship from a friendship? Was what you and Sae doing even considered dating? 

These thoughts did laps around your mind until Sae shifted his attention from the books before him to you. “What’s on your mind?”

You didn’t know how he was able to get a grasp on you so easily. That, or your thoughts were shamelessly showing on your face again.

“Nothing.”

Sae sighed, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. “It’s not nothing.”

You paused thoughtfully for a moment. Sae was a year older than you, so maybe he was more aware of these things than you were. The mere thought of asking him such a thing was embarrassing, to begin with but you figured you had no one else to ask if you were keeping this relationship a secret for the time being.

“Promise you won’t laugh at me?” You didn’t know why you were being so bashful. Sae has never laughed at you before anyway.

“Promise.”

You stopped for a moment, hesitating again before Sae’s raised brow eventually forced you to give in. “What does ‘going all the way’ mean?”

Sae’s expression hardened for a moment and the brief pause before his response was enough to tell you that he did know what it meant. “Context?”

“Um. I don’t know. Some of the girls were teasing their friend about ‘going all the way’ with her boyfriend.”

Sae nodded, his eyes suddenly shifting uncomfortably. “And you don’t know what that means?”

“If I did, I wouldn’t be asking you.”

He hummed, closing his books and stacking them on top of the other. “Then you don’t need to know.”

“What? Why?”

“You should be studying instead of thinking about useless things like that,” Sae said, jutting his chin at your noticeably empty desk as if to tell you off for doing nothing since you arrived.

“...I study at home,” you pouted, slightly worried he might think you were a slacker when it came to academics.

“Good,” he said, “then we can study together sometime too if you want.”

“Sure, that’d be nice.”

For some reason, that small exchange dispelled any concerns you had about the commonly understood definition of dating. You liked what you and Sae had going on at the time and it felt appropriate, if anything. There were no rules, no expectations, and no disappointment over things that should and shouldn’t be.

This innocent aspect of your relationship only really began to change when people began to find out that you and Sae were together, and the first person to accidentally find that out was Sae’s brother, Rin, who happened to pick up the other telephone and catch Sae in the middle of a phone call with you a day after Valentine’s Day of 1994. 

Sae explained the situation to you beforehand, how Rin had pestered him all weekend to find out why on earth his older brother was on the phone with someone from his class, but you still couldn’t find yourself able to look Rin in the eye. Despite being in the same classroom all day, not once did you ever let your gaze wander in his direction, where an icy aura specifically directed at you seemed to emanate from. 

It was perhaps because of your blatant avoidance that Rin sauntered up to you in the cafeteria after class. You didn’t notice he was standing over you until you lifted your head to meet his stern eyes. It was in that glare that you recognized the resemblance between the Itoshi brothers. You’ve never actually interacted with him before, but your initial impression was that he was more arrogant and standoffish compared to his older brother. Though that might've been a biased opinion too.

“You’re the one he’s dating?” his tone was laced with such distaste that he could be talking about a sewer rat if he wasn’t looking so intently at you.

“Um, yes…” You’ve never admitted the fact out loud to someone else before, so it was quite embarrassing to say so.

“Is it supposed to be a gimmick?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s a farce, right? You entered some kind of agreement with him just to flaunt the fact that you’re dating the football captain. Isn’t that what this is?”

The accusation made you shift uncomfortably in his scrutiny. The thought had never crossed your mind even once. Why would anyone be in a relationship to take advantage of someone else? Rin shot daggers with his condescending gaze alone and the longer he glared, the more you were convinced that you really might've collapsed if Sae hadn’t shown up then and there. 

“That’s enough, Rin.” 

Without any warning, Sae, who appeared behind you, pulled you out of your seat by the hand and took a step forward, defensively putting himself between you and his brother. The small gesture made your heart race. You’ve never seen Sae act this way before. “That’s not how I want you speaking to others,” he scolded.

Rin rolled his eyes. “As if I care.”

Sae’s voice hardened with a hint of authority. “That’s not how I want you speaking to her.”

Rin didn’t have a good enough response to that, though he looked pretty pissed that Sae was defending you in that instance. He mumbled an apology that seemed only half-sincere before taking off. It was then that you realized you weren’t alone in the cafeteria, and the students who did happen to witness that small scuffle were already whispering amongst themselves. 

But Sae pulled your attention to him when he stood in front of you, and everything in your periphery went into an instant blur. He had a notably softer look in his eyes. You had never seen it to that degree before either, and perhaps it was a side of him that only his younger brother could evoke.

“Are you okay?” he said, placing a hand on your shoulder. “He was being rude, wasn’t he?”

You shook your head but the words that came out of your mouth said otherwise. “He was a little scary... Well, you were a bit scary at first too. Kind of reminded me of Leo when I won’t let him sleep with me.”

Sae’s brows knitted together in brief confusion.

“Leo, my cat,” you clarified, though it didn't seem to be what made Sae furrow his brows.

“Rin is like… a grumpy cat?”

“Yes. Wait—” You blinked twice, wondering if that wasn’t a nice thing to say. But before you could rectify your words, Sae chuckled briefly, and it was perhaps the warmest expression you’d ever seen on him before.

“He gets like that sometimes. I think he’s just jealous.”

“Of me?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you guys close?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that. It doesn’t really seem like it.”

“I could say the same about us.”

“What?”

“I need to get back to class. I’ll see you at dismissal.”

Even though Rin was the first to find out about your relationship, he conveniently kept his mouth shut about it for a month or so but the people who witnessed the events in the cafeteria weren't so respectful. Eventually, you told Anju and Bachira about it as well when word got around enough, the conversation of which consisted of a lot of squealing, shoulder-shaking, and a harmonious chorus of ‘I told you so’.

Bachira didn’t stop pestering you about it the entire walk home, jokingly asking if you could put in a good word for him as a starter for the school’s football team. You told him you’d consider it if Bachira kept this a secret from Mama, but the first thing he did when you reached your front gate was call for her.

“Aunty!” he sang, rushing into the gate of your house faster than you could. “Someone has a boyfriend!”

That keyword was what prompted Mama to rush out into the front yard in an instant, still clad in her floral-patterned apron, one hand gripping a frying pan and the other with a spatula. “Who has a boyfriend now?”

“Who do you think!” Bachira hopped up the steps to your home, giving Mama an air kiss as a greeting you’ve grown accustomed to due to growing up with each other. “She’s a big girl now, eh?”

Mama watched you with a smirk creeping onto her face, a telltale sign that she was thinking of all the ways to tease you about it. That was the only reason you didn’t want Bachira telling her. Mama had never been so strict about dating, perhaps because she had been quite bold herself in her youth, but she was so embarrassingly supportive about you ‘playing the field’ that you felt you weren’t ready to tell her yet. 

But you knew Mama always meant well. She often talked about what makes a good man, using your late father—a high school sweetheart gone right—as the prime example. You barely knew him since he died when you were little, but you always loved listening to Mama talk about him. It made you want to find someone like that, which was why you were too shy to find out if Sae measured up already.

“My, my! Look who’s growing up!” she cooed. “Tell me, Meguru, who’s the lucky guy?”

“Do you know Itoshi Rin, Aunty? He’s the guy in our cohort who’s always brooding and doesn’t have that many friends.” Bachira was really immersed in his role as a neighborhood gossiping aunty.

“I think I know who you mean. The Itoshis, they live in that neighborhood near that grassy field the boys around here like to play in, yes?”

“Oh my god, you both are so embarrassing.”

“Ooh, that’s right, Aunty!”

“So, it’s Rin?”

“Actually…” you hardened your gaze at Bachira as his voice trailed off, teasing the crucial piece of information on the tip of his tongue. But Bachira only made a face at you before telling Mama anyway. “It’s Rin’s older brother.”

Mama’s eyes grew wide and you slapped your hand against your forehead as she stared at you mouth agape. “So he’s in the year above you?”

Your face only grew hotter and hotter.

“Well, well, seems like we’ll have quite a fun mother-daughter talk tonight—”

“Mama, please!” 

Although you caused quite the ruckus in the neighborhood, with you wailing in despair, Mama yelping when she realized she had brought her cooking outside, and Bachira laughing until his stomach hurt, your heart began to kick against your ribcage at such a delightful moment. Even though you didn’t want to tell her yet, you were still happy you could tell her.

The commotion was suddenly disrupted by a high-pitched mew! You and Bachira turned your heads towards the source to find your jet-black cat Leo announcing his arrival at home as well, after probably patrolling the neighborhood.

“Good afternoon, Leo! You’re looking more handsome by the day!” Bachira exclaimed.

You were about to convey your greetings as well until you took notice of something Leo carried in his mouth. Before you could say anything, your cat happily dropped it to the ground and the mouse, which was apparently still alive, squeaked before rushing out towards the gutter.

Both you and Bachira shrieked, running into the house and slamming the door behind you.

On your first flight to Germany for your exchange program abroad, you carefully filled out the immigration card as soon as a stewardess handed it to you.

Departing from: Tokyo, Japan / Arriving at: Munich, Germany

Flight Number: JL102 / Date: 25 September 1998

Reason for travel: Studies

Rin, who happened to be your seatmate for the 14-hour flight, hadn’t uttered a single word to you until he nudged you by the elbow, reluctantly asking if he could borrow your pen.

You snuck a peek at his immigration card, trying to gauge why he was flying to Germany as well, but Rin took notice and purposely hunched forward to block your view. 

“What’re you looking at?”

You wanted to roll your eyes and laugh at the same time because Rin was just as he was when you last saw him. This sense of familiarity grew stronger and you couldn't stymie your curiosity any longer, especially when there were still two hours left to reach the destination and you grew bored of cycling through sleeping, reading, and eating over the last 12 hours.

“What are you doing in Germany?”

Rin gave you a sidelong glance that almost made you want to smack him on the arm. When he finished filling out his immigration card, he returned your pen and uttered a small thanks. He shifted in his seat before responding to you again.  

“I’m going to a football training camp.”

“Oh, for how long?”

“A few months.”

“I see.” 

You momentarily forgot that Rin had been following in the footsteps of his brother toward a career in football. The two were very skilled, according to what everyone used to say, and when Sae graduated from high school, Rin was the obvious choice for football captain, though you recall he wasn’t very happy about being constantly compared to his elder brother.

“He’s not coming, by the way,” Rin added, which made you frown.

“I didn’t ask.”

“Just in case you were wondering.”

“Well, I wasn’t.”

A part of you felt relieved, and also regretful that you didn’t try to start a conversation with him sooner because you and Rin effortlessly eased back into that sibling dynamic that only truly developed in senior year when Sae was no longer at the school. At the time, it was as if Rin was searching for a replacement for him, and you somehow became a sufficient placeholder, even though Rin was covertly annoyed that you used to monopolize much of Sae's time. Rin seemed more relaxed as well as you eased into the conversation. He folded his tray table before leaning back into the stiff seat.

“What about you? What are you doing out here?”

“I’m doing a semester abroad.”

“I see,” he said, mimicking the slight lack of enthusiasm with which you spoke just moments ago. “Did you have to learn German?”

You nodded tiredly, a noticeable drained expression on your face. “I crammed six months of German-intensive lessons but honestly, I feel like the only thing I can say is ‘Where is the bathroom?’”

Rin sighed, “you’re seriously hopeless.”

“Did you take up German lessons?”

"I speak English," he said in a mocking tone as if he were a child trying to get one up on you. 

"That's not what I asked, genius."

"Thanks, I am."

"That wasn't a compliment either."

You tuned into the roaring sound of the plane’s engine and watched as a stewardess made her way up and down the aisle, offering passengers the last round of snacks before landing. You weren’t feeling very peckish and refused her kind offer, but because Rin wasn’t paying attention when the stewardess came by, he didn’t even know snacks were being distributed. Then, he told you that he did want a snack, and you sucked in a sharp breath before calling for the stewardess again, telling her you’d like to take her up on that snack offer.

There was still an hour left until landing and you considered taking another nap just to make the time go faster, until Rin suddenly brought up Sae on his own accord, though never once saying his name. Well, it wasn't like he ever needed to say it for you to know who he was talking about.

“He got recruited for the national team, you know.”

You hummed moderately, trying exceptionally hard not to seem overly interested. “Is that so…”

“You’re terrible at acting nonchalant. He refused though, said he wouldn’t be caught dead playing for the Japanese team.”

That was certainly something you could imagine Sae saying.

“He’s spending his few months off back home now though. He just landed last week, actually. But I suppose he’ll go back to Spain when it’s over.”

What crucial timing; Sae returned to Japan the week just before you left. You wondered if he thought about you, or looked for you, considering that you moved away from that small town. Would Rin recount to him his encounter with you? Was that something Sae would be bothered about? 

You shook your head to yourself. It had been two years since you last spoke to him. Sae could very well be a complete stranger by now and perhaps that should've been fine. You were on your own journey now anyway, and what awaited were new experiences. Experiences in a foreign country. Experiences at 21 years old. Experiences without Sae.

You packed away any thoughts of doubt before the plane landed, steeling your heart and preparing for whatever the future held for you.

It was probably childish, but because your birthday was in the first half of the year and Sae’s was in October, there were a couple of months in between when you were both technically the same age. As soon as you turned 17 years old, you loved telling Sae you were the same age as him even though he'd be turning 18 in three months, the same age as the rest of his peers in senior year.

Yes, Sae started senior year already and your relationship was out in the open, somewhat. It turned out that dating a personality like Sae came with its own challenges. While he continued to be indifferent, nonchalant, and uncaring towards other people's prying, perceptions, and the occasional outrageous assumptions, you on the other hand, grew more conscious and insecure about a plethora of things, your sense of self and worth in such a malleable state at that tender age.

The girls at school were especially invested in your relationship, whether it was out of genuine curiosity or envy. Some hailed you as some sort of hero, always asking you for advice on how to 'snag' an older boy like Sae (you had to keep reminding them he was only one year older than you but it didn't matter because Sae was a senior and you weren't). Others, who weren't so nice, liked to gossip loudly behind your back, questioning why someone of Sae's caliber would pick a girl like you and how you had the nerve to date someone so out of your league.

Anju, who quickly rose through the ranks to become your best friend, was always quick to stare down those girls and repel those hurtful comments. She was a fortress of her own and you were always grateful for her presence.

"Don't listen to them, they're just jealous. What matters is that you and Sae like each, alright? Nothing else matters."

Her reassurance was a breath of fresh air in the stuffy classrooms of the school, but it never took much for her words to wash away like the flimsy walls of a sandcastle. 

You overheard a conversation while in the girl's bathroom between what seemed to be a girl from Sae's class and her friends—meaning, they were all seniors as well.

"Do you think I should do it?" her voice was timid and shy, and based on context clues, you figured out she was planning to confess her feelings to your boyfriend.

Honestly, it didn't bother you as much to know that Sae had his fair share of admirers. After all, it wasn't as though you could help the way you felt about someone. But what did bother you was the fact that because it was ‘just’ you, some people didn't see the relationship as something serious.

"Just go for it, Suzume! Everyone's been noticing the way he glances at you in class, it's clear as day."

You knew of Suzume, of course, you did. She was student council vice president and one of the prettiest girls you've ever seen.

"I heard he's dating that 11th grader though..."

Your fingers clutched the ends of your uniform. You didn't want to listen in on this conversation anymore but there was no way you could leave the bathroom stall now without being seen.

"Ehh, but if you've seen them around school, it doesn't actually seem like they're dating. Maybe they just have those close junior-senior relationships, y'know? She's in Rin's class after all. You'll never find them holding hands or anything. It's probably some rumor blown out of proportion."

“Hm, maybe.”

It wasn't the first time you heard something along those lines. Even the boys in your class believed you were in over your head. Though Rin was perfectly aware of how genuine your relationship was, he had no reason to jump to your defense. In fact, he couldn't care less.

Despite it all, you believed that your relationship with Sae had grown and blossomed out of the public eye, the way the tulips and chrysanthemums in the school garden did over the past winter and spring. It was something privy to only the two of you. You've studied at his house before and were invited to stay for dinner with his mom, who insisted you also call him Ma, much to Rin's dismay. You've taken Sae to the arcade where he broke the neighborhood's record for whac-a-mole. He once helped Mama load the groceries from the trunk of her car into your home too. He had taken you to the sea. He had even gifted you a beautiful sterling silver necklace with a crescent moon pendant that you wore under your uniform.

Surely all of these things were indicative enough that your relationship with Sae was real. 

When you were with him, whenever you spent time alone with him, none of that certainty ever wavered. Being with him made you feel like there was nothing you couldn't do together. You were happy to say it was you and Sae against the world.

But when he wasn't around, doubt seeped into your heart like ink in water. A certain type of greed began to brew within you, a selfishness that you've never experienced before. You wanted more. From him. From yourself. From this relationship. A part of you was afraid of this feeling, and almost hated it, because it felt wrong and unfair, especially to Sae who had been nothing but sweet to you. What more could you have asked from him?

And even though you knew there didn't have to be someone to blame, your thoughts spiraled and ended up pointing their fingers at you. Maybe you were the one who wasn't doing enough. After all, it was usually Sae who sought you out. It was Sae who approached you at school. It was Sae who was always being considerate of you. Was he just taking care of you as they said? Just a senior looking out for his junior?

Then came the thoughts that your relationship with Sae didn't even look real. Suzume's friend was right, you and Sae never held hands in public. Never showed even a sliver of physical affection before others. But was that something to really take issue with? Sae has had his arms around you before. You'd held his hands before. He's even kissed you on the forehead too. So why did it feel like you needed to be doing something else too? And for what reason? To show other people that Sae reciprocated your feelings? You didn't want this special thing you shared with him to become a mere spectacle as if your feelings and his only mattered if witnessed by a third party.

You ruminate over this more than you wish you did. It made you wonder if you should be more obvious about the relationship at school. What did that even mean anyway? This was the first time you've ever been in a relationship and it was exhausting to be so concerned about what you should do and when you should do it.

Because at this point, eight months into the relationship, you and Sae had never really talked about such things. You were shy in nature and certainly nervous, while Sae was likely being patient and understanding, as he always was. Anju said there wasn't an issue with the pace you went, as long as you felt comfortable. She even went as far as to praise Sae for being such a gentleman in that way, saying something along the lines of how high schoolers typically can't keep it in their pants.

You weren’t naïve or clueless though. There were other couples at school who were doing things far more risqué and in places much more public than what you were comfortable with, but you never paid them any mind. You and Sae were different. You and Sae wanted to take it steady… 

...Right?

Did Sae want that too? Or was that what you wanted and Sae was just putting up with it? You hated this. These doubtful thoughts led to one thing and another... which eventually left you to wonder if Sae wasn't going any further with you because the relationship didn't matter so much to him. Was he just killing time with you?

Despite your serious efforts to convince yourself and conceal your deep-rooted worries, Sae, who was now an expert at seeing through you, stopped writing in his notebook, then tapped the end of his pencil in front of you to seize your drifting attention.

You were both seated at the corner booth of a café that served good coffee. The owner was a chubby middle-aged man with a mustache that stood horizontally straight and was clearing out the surface next to the cash register to place a secondhand radio, which he not long ago boasted was quite a steal from a Sunday market he visited in the neighboring prefecture.

“Are you tired?” Sae asked, noting the darker circles under your eyes. The workload of an 11th grader was beyond that of a 10th grader, but the notes Sae lent you certainly eased the load. It was one of the perks of dating a senior, you supposed. It wasn’t why you were losing sleep though.

You shook your head, “no, I’m okay.”

“Then what are you so worried about?”

“I’m not worried,” you lied, and Sae gave you a look that told you he didn’t believe you for a second. “It’s just something useless. Doesn’t matter.”

“What is it?” he pressed.

“You’ll scold me for it.”

“I won’t.”

“You will.”

“What is it?” he repeated.

You stared at him for a moment, contemplating again if this was something worth bringing up. You could already imagine the unimpressed look on his face when he hears you out, but you let out a resigned sigh. If you didn’t get this out now, Sae was only going to keep asking about it until you did, and it wasn't as though you were any good at keeping secrets anyway.

“Fine. Why haven’t we kissed yet?”

You’ve never flustered him before—at least, you’ve never seen him flustered by you before—but Sae almost choked at your genuine inquiry and the lady in the next booth glanced at you with a frown before averting her gaze. Sae maintained his composure though, calmly reaching for his mug to take a long, long sip of his coffee.

“Why… Why are you asking me something like that?”

“Stupid, isn’t it? I didn’t care about this stuff before so I don’t know why I care about it now. I overheard some girls from your grade…” and you recounted the conversation you accidentally eavesdropped on, being brutally honest with your boyfriend about these teenage worries that consumed you every day. You always wondered if it was a good thing to be so frank with him because if you were truly keeping count, Sae confided in you but he wasn’t as transparent with you. There were always layers to him, walls that, even if you tore one down, you’d find another erected right after.

“You’re saying people don’t think we’re dating because we don’t kiss in public?”

“That’s not what I was saying,” you said, hanging your head. “I mean, maybe it is. I don’t know. As I said, it’s stupid. Just forget it.” 

You dropped your head to the table with a small thud.

Sae didn’t say anything for what felt like the longest time and you wondered if you’d finally messed it up for good and made it awkward between you and him. With the way Sae was always touted as the perfect student body, it always felt like you'd one day tarnish his reputation and ruin this relationship.

“I just thought it was a big deal,” Sae said then, pulling you out of your spiraling. His voice was so small you had to lift your head to make sure it was really him speaking. “I didn’t want to take that next step if you weren’t ready.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve never kissed anyone. So I didn’t know anything. How to do it. When to do it. If you want to do it.”

“Really?”

Sae finally met your eyes, though you sensed a hint of annoyance beneath that pointed look. “What, did you think otherwise?”

“I don’t know… you seem popular, so I assumed you might’ve been with someone before.”

“No,” he said sternly. “You’re the first.”

“Oh,” you said. It made you somewhat happy to know that he was as inexperienced about this whole ordeal as you were. That distance you thought existed between you and him grew smaller and smaller. 

“But why did you assume I wasn’t ready? Or didn’t know anything either?”

Your own question caught you and Sae by surprise because his assumptions were correct nonetheless. He probably already gauged that about you since that time in the library when you stupidly asked him what ‘going all the way’ meant. Anju made the meaning of it very clear to you in the following week and you wanted to bury yourself in the ground every time the memory resurfaced.

“Fine, have you kissed anyone before?” he asked, more out of obligation now rather than genuine curiosity. Something about that peeved you a little so you sealed your lips instead of giving him the reply he was already well aware of.

Sae sighed, throwing his head back against the leather cushion of the booth. “Why are we even talking about this…”

“I mean, if you’re waiting for some form of straightforward consent, here it is: You’re the first person I’ve dated as well, so if I were to have my first kiss, I wouldn’t want it to be with anybody but you.”

Your impromptu declaration came out more assertive than you intended and in the time it took for Sae to get over his initial shock, blood, and heat rushed up your neck and spread across your cheeks. The air was completely still and it felt as though even the café owner was humming louder than usual in an attempt to mask your pitiful embarrassment. You couldn’t believe you just told Itoshi Sae that you wanted him to kiss you. Was that even something that should’ve been verbalized in the first place? Didn’t first kisses just happen when the time is right and the mood is right?

As you hoped the ground would open up and swallow you whole, Sae burst into a laugh so sudden you almost thought he was possessed by something. He doubled over, leaning against the table as his eyes formed crescent moons. It was the most uncharacteristic thing Sae had ever done and you watched him with jaw-dropping shock, trying to figure out who on earth this boy was, laughing with no constraints as though he might turn his stomach inside-out.

But no matter how alien the reaction was for you, you could never forget the sound of the genuine laugh that bubbled out of him. So unrestrained, so unapologetic. Happy and carefree looked so beautiful on Sae that you didn’t even realize how you swore to yourself then and there that you’d commit to making him feel that way more often.

“Okay,” Sae said, in between catching his breath. “I feel the same.”

“Yo, Kaiser, who’s bringing the beer again?”

“I’m opening the window, alright, guys. It’s a fuckin’ sauna in here.”

“Why is there only Pepsi in the fridge?”

“Can someone help move the couch to the left a little?”

“The fuck? Didn't we agree on bringing Coke? Who brought Pepsi?!”

"Eren, probably."

"Goddamnit, Eren."

“Is it starting yet?”

Everyone gathered around the cramped space of Kaiser’s apartment living room to watch the first match of the 2002 FIFA World Cup that everyone in the country, and probably the world, was waiting for a game between Germany and Japan.

“Don’t open the window too wide, Kaiser, it looks like it might rain.”

“Eh, who the hell adjusted the antenna? The picture sucks balls.”

“Oh sorry, that was me.”

“Shit, I meant great job, babe. I love you.”

“Shut up.”

“It’s almost starting, guys. Look, it’s the line-up.”

You made your way over from the kitchen with a tray of pre-prepared snacks as your friends made themselves comfortable. After setting down the food, Kaiser reached his arms out to you from where he laid back on the couch he received as a hand-me-down from his uncle. You answered his summons all too easily, settling yourself down on his lap. Kaiser is a pretty clingy guy, unlike someone you knew before, and he wrapped his arms around your stomach to press your spine flush against his chest. It gave him room to nestle his chin in the crook of your shoulder, and with the warm, contented sigh that blew past his lips, Kaiser found the ideal position to be watching the game.

His friends and yours paid no mind to the both of you, chattering amongst themselves and speaking while munching on chips and popping open soda cans.

“Are we gonna place bets this time?”

“Huh, what’s the point? Everyone and their mother knows who’s gonna win.”

“Man, Japanese players sure are small.”

"Doesn't that make them faster or something?"

"Eren, stop hogging the bowl!"

“You know anyone on the national team?” Kaiser asked in a voice only you could hear.

You froze up for a second only to realize he wasn't asking if you knew anyone on the national team personally, just if you were familiar with the sport in the place you called home.

“Does it really look like I keep up with football?”

Kaiser chuckled at your jab. 

It was true; you didn't keep up with Japanese football, or any other national sport for that matter. But talks of the national team briefly reminded you of your conversation with Rin on the plane a few years back. Would he or Sae actually end up playing for the national team one day? The thought was a far-fetched one, only because you remembered how adamant Sae was about getting out of Japan. It was unlikely, so you never really gave yourself time to dwell on it.

This was why, when the profiles of each national team player briefly flashed through the small television screen, it took everything in you to keep your breath from hitching when the face of someone all too familiar suddenly appeared.

“Hey, look, this guy’s our age, y'know.”

“No way—wait, hey! It’s that dude you were talking about last week."

“Yeah, the one playing in Spain, right?”

"Ooh, he's got a cool name."

“I heard a lot of our clubs tried bidding for him.”

“He’s that good?”

“Apparently.”

“What is he, mid-fielder?”

“Yep, looks like it.”

You held your breath and kept your lips sealed as Kaiser's friends spoke amongst themselves. Honestly, you didn't even hear anyone anymore as the screen cut to live footage of the game. There was a panoramic view of the stadium. An energized crowd, some wrapped in their country's flags while others had proof of their nationalism painted across their cheeks. The German players made their entrance. Kaiser and his friends cheered. The commentators greeted the viewers in the stadium and those watching the broadcast. 

The Japanese team was then introduced, and Itoshi Sae stood amongst them, looking just as you remembered. Reddish-brown hair framing a serious, borderline bored expression. He looked a bit older. His body is more toned and defined, certainly one befitting a national athlete. Befitting a man, which, of course, shouldn't have been a surprise given that Sae was 24 years old at the time. You had just turned the same age a few months ago as well.

You didn't cheer for either of the teams. You didn't make any comments about the plays, the goals, or the referee's apparent unfair judgment for a red card that worked in favor of Germany. You couldn't even answer your friend who merely asked who you thought was the hottest player there (you almost choked when everyone agreed that Sae was good-looking, much to Kaiser's protests). 

But in spite of it all, you couldn't peel your eyes away from the screen either. Seeing him play onscreen felt as exhilarating as seeing him play at school for the very first time. Sae rarely ever smiled or laughed when he enjoyed something, but it was quite impossible to deny the sheer joy that graced his face whenever he played football—even if he attempted to water it down, even if he claimed that playing football was alright. Seeing it on the television was surreal. You always knew he went and strived for his dreams, but you'd never seen proof of it until now. Pride seemed to swell in your chest. There was no better word for it. You were proud of him. Sincerely so.

It felt like you were the closest you'd ever been to him in a long time and as a result, you couldn't stop yourself from looking for him, nor could you stop yourself from fiddling with the crescent moon pendant that hung from your neck; a memento you couldn't seem to get rid of after all these years.

You wouldn't say your first kiss with Sae was particularly special, which was to say that your first kiss didn't stand out compared to the other kisses you've shared with him. Sae was pretty adamant about that. He wasn't a very touchy person to begin with but whenever he did initiate a show of physical affection, it was never half-hearted or stingy. Sae loved in full, that was what you always knew about him.

It rained unexpectedly on the day he first kissed you. You and Sae ran the rest of the way to your house, shielding yourself from the downpour with one of your hardcover textbooks and Sae with his training jacket for school athletes.

After unlocking your front door with a little bit of a struggle, you burst inside with an urgency that startled Leo awake, who was sound asleep on the windowsill. Sae politely slipped his shoes off before coming in and when he bent over to neatly place them by the step, you realized he was soaking wet.

"Ah, I'll get you a towel."

Sae stayed in the foyer when you returned with a pink towel. Eyeing the Hello Kitty icon stitched onto its corner with a narrowed gaze, Sae hesitantly took the towel from you.

"Is it yours?"

"Yeah."

"Right..." 

You didn't know why he sounded so bashful until a realization dawned on you. 

"O-oh! It's new though, I mean, it's a fresh towel. It's mine but it's not a... not a used towel..."

"Right," he said again, using the towel to wring out his hair. His rash movements were rough, which you thought was very boyish of him. "Don't you need one too?"

"Need what?"

"A towel," he said, pointing out that you, too, were soaked all the way through.

Before you could respond, Sae closed the distance between you and threw the towel he had just used over your head. It was damp but smelled of a soothing blend of his shampoo and the afternoon rain.

In contrast to his hasty movements before, Sae was gentle as he dried your hair with the towel, carefully rubbing your scalp and around the shell of your ears. You almost felt like a kid again when Mama would do that for you after a nice, hot bath. At some point, the towel slipped from his grip and you instead felt his warm fingers brush past your cheekbone. A touch like that would've been enough to set your face ablaze but you were too distracted by Sae's evergreen eyes to notice.

When he finally did notice you staring, you might've believed he was trying to fight the urge to blush.

"Stop doing that."

"Hm?" you blinked.

Sae pulled the towel over your face, which elicited a giggle out of you. When he lifted the towel again, his brows furrowed like it didn't seem to do what he thought it would.

"I said stop it."

"Stop what?"

Sae shook his head to himself before taking a deep breath as if to steel himself for something. "Come on," he said, making his way out of the foyer and into the living room, "we have homework to do."

"You're soaking wet though..." you said.

"It's fine, I have a change of clothes."

"Oh, right."

Sae found his way to the bathroom and you went upstairs to get changed as well.

Noticing a stranger walking around the house, Leo leaped off the windowsill to sniff Sae with caution. Sae had been over before but Leo had always been either out in the neighborhood or asleep in your room. Sae dropped his bag with a soft thud before sitting cross-legged on the carpet. As he took his books out of his bag, Leo's eyes followed his every move from where he peeked out behind the sofa.

"Leo's watching you," you said, joining Sae at the low coffee table situated in the middle of the living room.

Sae looked up to see the feline's emerald eyes zeroing in on him, engaging him in what seemed like an impromptu staring contest. You looked at Leo, then Sae, then back at Leo, finding it rather amusing that they both had beautiful green eyes.

Then, as if Sae had triumphed in some form or another, he patted the spot next to him on the carpet. "Here, Leo."

"Oh, Leo doesn't do so well with strangers—" your voice trailed off as Leo shamelessly heeded Sae's call and trotted up to his side. Sae stroked his head once before scratching Leo's favorite spot under his chin.

Seeing your cat, who took long enough to warm up to you when you first took him in, instantly feeling comfortable around Sae felt something like a betrayal. You couldn't blame Leo for purring without any regard for the envy steaming out of you but you never expected Sae to be so taken with the feline. You didn't even know he liked cats. In an attempt to prevent yourself from becoming the third wheel, you purposely dropped your book onto the table with a loud thud, effectively causing Leo to jump a little.

"Ahem," you said, "we have homework."

Sae looked to you with a brow raised, his hand still generously stroking Leo's velvety fur. "You sound jealous."

"Yeah, Leo is my cat."

"Hmm, so you're jealous of me? Not the cat?"

"Why would I be jealous of the—" You hated how slow you were in front of Sae sometimes. His presence made your heart do somersaults and your brain turned into mush. You had to expel the thoughts of what it would be like for Sae to touch you as much as he was touching the cat.

"And I'm your boyfriend, right?"

"....How do you say something so embarrassing with such a straight face?"

"Oh, so dating me is embarrassing?"

"That's not what I—"

"You hear that, Leo? She says it's embarrassing to be with me," he said to Leo with a pout, drawing out the rare childish part of him.

"Sae," you whined. Watching him direct his attention away from you was annoyingly bringing out a possessive side of you. "Stop playing with the cat." Give me your attention, was what you meant.

"Say that I'm your boyfriend then."

"What... w-why?"

"Just say it."

You and Sae have been together for months now but saying something like that so straightforwardly made your toes curl, especially so in front of Sae himself.

"Erm..."

"Say it."

"You're my..."

"Hm?"

"Y-you're my..."

"Speak up a little."

"...I can't do it."

"Yes, you can."

"Sae, please, this is so embarrassing."

"Well, I guess I'm Leo's—"

"—No, you're mine."

Sae's eyes widened ever so slightly, perhaps not expecting you would cut him with such urgency. He chuckled as you buried your face in your hands and once Leo got up and headed for the kitchen for an afternoon snack, Sae turned his attention to you.

"You can say that you know," he began. "You're allowed to say that. You're allowed to be proud of it. You're allowed to tell others that."

A silent moment of understanding was exchanged in your locked gazes, one that told you Sae was well aware of what the other girls at school were saying. That you didn't deserve to be with someone like Sae, that Sae would never willingly choose someone like you. You didn't think he ever listened to school gossip because he never said as much but you didn't bring up the matter either because of that sliver of doubt telling you it could be true.

"Everyone at school seems to see you as some kind of idol... and I'm just... blah."

"But how do you see me?"

You froze when he asked that point blank. How did you see Itoshi Sae? As a high school football superstar athlete most students from your school and the neighboring schools recognized? As the academic genius found in the good books of every single teacher of the school? Or was it the tsundere, detached hottie that many girls liked to squeal about? 

The more you thought about it, the clearer the answer was to you. Sae wasn't any of those things to you. To you, Sae was just a grumpy-looking upperclassman who wanted nothing to do with you as co-captain of Sports Day, who then gradually opened his heart to you when he asked you out.

You always found it kind of funny that you immediately answered yes at the time. Such an arrangement could have easily gone downhill if Sae turned out to be a jerk. He wasn't though, even if you joked that he was. Sae was kind-hearted. He always looked out for you, was always considerate of you. He was warm, sometimes silly, always patient. He was—

"The best decision I ever made," you breathed, failing to realize you said that last bit out loud.

It didn't show on his face as much, but the silence that persisted was enough to say that Sae was stunned. He then narrowed his eyes, like he didn't believe you'd say something so earnestly. "Are you doing this on purpose...?"

"...Doing what?"

It felt like you just had this conversation earlier and you still didn't know what he meant.

"Nothing. Never mind."

Sae took out his books and you followed suit, pulling out your calculator for math and the big dictionary for another project you'll start a bit later. You and Sae typically fell into a productive routine of keeping silent and doing your respective homework together in the same room, but Sae seemed awfully distracted this afternoon.

He stopped taking notes to watch you for a moment. You thought he might want to say something, so you waited until he did, continuing to copy down the formula you learned in class today. When you finished the entire problem, realizing that Sae was still looking at you and not saying anything, you turned to him.

"What's wrong?"

"You're not… blah to me."

Oh, this was about what you said before.

"I know, it's just something—"

"No, I don't want you to feel like that. You're special to me. You're important to me."

His honest words made you shift in place. Just as you thought that you weren't used to hearing these things from him, you imagined Sae wasn't used to saying them either. Was the entire time he spent watching you time he spent gathering the courage to say that? It was probably his first time confessing something like this to anyone and the shift in the air in that very moment convinced you that the two of you were just stumbling through all these firsts together.

You've never said the word out loud before but the emotion you felt surging through your veins at the time, the very feeling that hit you like a stroke of lightning—it couldn't be anything but love. His words made your heart so tender and soft, his gaze kept you prisoner like you could never turn away even if you tried.

Sae's eyes searched your face before they briefly flickered to your lips and the skip in the beat of your heart was all too evident. "Can I... can I kiss you?"

You nodded meekly, something loud throbbing in your ears. "Okay." 

Unsure of what to do, you sat there completely still when he leaned forward, his head slightly tilted to the side when he closed in. The tips of your noses briefly brushed against each other, sending an electric current running down your spine before his lips touched yours. You stayed like that for a second, just his lips on yours. 

It was over as quickly as it began but you had no time to think about the fact that you just had your first kiss when Sae gently lifted your chin with his fingers and closed the distance again. 

This time, he slowly parted his lips to slot his mouth against yours. It must've been the way his warm hand traveled from your chin to the back of your neck or the way he gently nibbled on your lower lip, or the way he hummed pleasantly when your palm somehow found itself pressed against his chest—but something, something was making it impossible for you to let go. 

All you could feel was Sae, Sae, Sae. Touching him like this was dizzying but somehow terrifying at the same time. You never knew you could want him like this, never realized desire could consume you so easily despite your reserved nature. 

Sae briefly pulled away to catch his breath only for you to chase after him, one of your hands now resting on his shoulder and the other running through his hair. Sae smiled into this third kiss you initiated and it made you want him even more.

Thankfully, you heard the sound of Mama's keys jangling outside of the front door and both you and Sae quickly parted to return to your respective school work. Pretending nothing had happened when she walked in was one of the most mortifying things you ever had to do, especially when both you and your boyfriend were red up to your ears.

Sae, at least, was more composed than you to go and greet Mama. You, on the other hand, couldn't even meet her eyes with the blood still rushing to your cheeks. And Mama, as sharp as she always was, immediately figured out that something had happened and you wished you could forget the sly look on her face when she emphasized that she needed to take a long, long shower.

You and Sae didn't share another word when she left. You couldn't bring yourself to look at him either. The silence remained even after Mama finished her long, long shower but the two of you had at least calmed down by then, distracting yourselves by focusing on your homework.

"You kids are hard-working as always. I'll make dinner. Are you okay with some soup, Sae? It got gloomy really quickly this afternoon. It's the perfect weather for something warm."

"I don't mind," Sae said, "if it's not too troublesome for you."

"Don't be silly, it's no trouble at all for my future son-in—"

"D-Do you need any help Mama?!" you quickly interrupted.

Mama laughed at your predicament, the blood returning to your face. "That's fine, dear. You go finish up your homework. Dinner will be ready soon."

If only you could evaporate into nothingness.

It was thanks to Sae’s calm nature that you didn’t have to wallow in embarrassment for too long. He looked at you with his usual nonchalant expression. "By the way, this week's inter-high match is at our school. You're watching, right?"

"Is this an invitation?"

"No, it's me telling you I want you to come watch me."

"Then of course I will," you smiled, trying your best to keep your grin from stretching too far.

The inter-high match that week didn’t go at all as you expected. The match itself went swimmingly, however, especially when it was the most anticipated event of the semester yet. Your school won, of course, and Sae outshone every other player on that multipurpose patch and the entire student body bore witness to it. Crowds of both teachers and students gathered around the field, with others watching the spectacle through the classroom windows on the higher floors of the school building. 

You managed to get a good view of the pitch which afforded you a very close look at Sae’s love for football. You’ve seen him play before but you’ve never actually watched him. All you had known up until then was that he was captain of this team and a very proficient player, but you never fully registered just how much Sae adored this sport. It was a completely different experience to see him in his element. He looked like he belonged there, the most carefree expression on his face as he ran so freely on that field. Seeing your boyfriend perform like that made you feel so much pride.

When the referee blew his whistle three times, a signal that time was up and the match was over, the entire school erupted into a roar of cheers. Everyone rushed onto the field to crowd and congratulate the team. Though you felt inclined to approach him as well, something held you back. From where you stood at a distance, you noticed a group of girls from Sae’s cohort approach your boyfriend in a manner much too intimate to your liking. Someone clung onto his arm, another threw their arms around his neck. You didn’t even dare look at Sae’s face at that moment and instead of standing there feeling like an idiot, you decided to leave and head back into the building.

But you couldn’t get very far because you heard your name being called from behind you. When you looked over your shoulder, your lips parted in surprise to find Sae had come after you. It was the sight of him calling for you that made all the people trailing behind him disappear. You couldn’t gauge the expression on his face—Sae was always difficult to read in that regard—but looking into his eyes did bring you comfort like no other. It almost frustrated you that he could command your attention like that, that he could arrive and instantly block out the rest of the world so you could only see him.

“Hey,” he said, approaching you. “Where’s my girlfriend going?”

“Sae, what—”

You never did get to finish that sentence because Sae sweetly kissed you on the forehead in a manner most befitting of a lover. Everyone that witnessed this show of affection began to coo and cheer and you realized a little too late that Sae did that to make a statement. 

He wasn’t asking where you were going, he was telling everyone there just who you were to him.

You never once considered moving to Germany permanently since doing your year-long exchange student program in 1998, but you did have hopes to apply for permanent residence after living at least five years there. You were ready to take on the insane amount of paperwork required to get that kind of citizenship but such huge plans couldn’t always fall through and Mama was diagnosed with an uncommon heart disease in 2002.

Despite her insistence that you should stay in Germany, you never had any intention of listening to her. As her only daughter, nothing felt worse to you than not being able to do anything useful simply because you were too far away from home. Hence, you made the decision to move back to Japan for good, leaving behind a life you had only begun to build and some lifelong friends you’ll never forget. It wasn’t a hard decision—Mama’s life far outweighed anything else to you—but it was still a heavy one.

Kaiser never was the kind of man to get attached, he always told you as much, but you could’ve sworn his expression darkened when he drove past the sign that informed you the airport was only less than a kilometer away. You bade all your friends farewell at your apartment but Kaiser, for some undiscernible reason, was particularly adamant about driving you to the airport himself.

“You’re not gonna cry, right?” you joke as soon as he killed the engine. You figured it would lighten the mood and it does, as Kaiser scoffs before turning to you with that signature smirk on his face.

“I’ve never cried in my life, not even when I left my mother’s womb.”

Before you have the chance to react, with your typical scoff and a roll of your eyes, Kaiser climbs out of the driver seat to open up the trunk and help you with your bags. You sent most of your belongings ahead through cargo shipping so you wouldn’t have to bring so many things to the plane. Though you attempt to take your belongings from him, Kaiser insists he’ll carry them for you and that he intends to walk you all the way to the immigration gate.

It was a long stroll to the immigration gate and one spent in uncharacteristic silence. You didn’t know what to say to someone you were in a situationship with and Kaiser probably felt likewise. The very act of leaving put everything in perspective though. You realized that even though you’ve done it before, goodbyes still have a funny way of stirring your heart. It was hard to leave a place and even harder to leave its people. Leaving Japan for Germany was one thing but parting with Bachira, Anju, and Mama was another. You doubt Sae would understand how this felt. It seemed that leaving people was something that didn’t bother him at all.

Only when you reached the immigration gate did your eyes start to well up with tears.

“Aw, now why are you crying? You’ll miss me that much?” Kaiser smiles when he notices, reaching out to gently wipe away a tear with his thumb.

“No,” you sniffle. “I just get emotional. And I’ll miss this place.”

“You can always come visit. It’s just a plane ride away.”

“An expensive 14-hour plane ride away. Yes,” you say. Then, after a thoughtful pause, you add, “you could come to visit me too sometime.”

Kaiser hums, “so you’ll miss me or Germany?”

You bite your lip, realizing you may have fumbled with your words a little. Kaiser doesn’t tease you for long though. Instead, he leans forward to give you a gentle kiss on your temple—a gesture that reminds you of someone else entirely. “I won’t cry for you but I’ll miss you too.”

“Thank you, Kaiser. You really made settling in a foreign country that much more bearable for me.”

“The pleasure’s all mine, darling. Stay in touch. You have my e-mail, right?”

“I do.”

“Good. Now, have a safe flight.”

Thankfully, you did not spend the flight back home sitting next to Rin, but as the thought crossed your mind briefly, with it came this unrecognizable sense of loneliness. You pull the blanket that the flight attendant distributed earlier up to your chest as you recall the first time you arrived in Germany all those years ago. 

Technically speaking, Rin was actually the first person to have helped you when you landed in this foreign country. Despite his reluctance and the unwavering scowl on his face, he still helped you find your lost luggage after that long flight and refused to part ways with you until you were certain your ride was there. Perhaps he scarcely had the opportunity to show it but contrary to belief, Rin was as chivalrous as his brother in some ways, and it made you think whether it was something Sae taught him or if he simply learned by watching.

Anju was the one to greet you at the arrival gate and as soon as you spotted her, you ran without a thought, dropping your bags instantly to fling your arms around her neck as she squeezed all of the oxygen out of your lungs, squealing in utter delight.

“Don’t ever leave the country again!” she demands as soon as you let go. “I should’ve known you were lying when you said it was only a one-year program!”

“I wasn’t lying, it’s just… one thing led to another and I ended up… staying for longer than I expected…”

“Yeah, well, give me your passport! I’m throwing it away!”

“No way, don’t you know how much documentation it took for me to get this thing issued?!”

You couldn’t really put your finger on why relief was the first thing to wash over you when you returned home. Japan had changed so much in the time that you were absent—all sorts of technologies have developed, new highways were built, and shiny buildings had been erected out of nowhere—and yet so much of it still stayed the same.

Anju is the same as ever, having spent half of the drive to your house recounting to you the last five years of her life. International calls were far too expensive and with how busy you both were, neither of you seemed to have enough time to respond to long-winded emails. You did know that she broke up with Isagi only a few months after you left Japan, but she didn't seem too brokenhearted since she started going out with someone she met on campus. What you didn’t know was that both your best friend and this mystery man had apparently used each other as rebounds and that they ended things mutually. Anju had always been more mature in that regard, never letting her feelings carry her away. You remember wishing you had her disposition when you wallowed through the pain of breaking up with Sae.

“And how about you? Steal any German hearts?” she says, brows wiggling.

“No,” you say, a little exaggeratedly, that Anju immediately knows you’re flat-out lying.

“Oh my gosh, you’re blushing!” she laughs, sneaking glances at you while desperately trying to keep her eyes on the road. “Tell me who the lucky guy is!”

“It’s not like that,” you clarify, not wanting to sugarcoat anything. “His name is Kaiser. Michael Kaiser—”

“Michael?!”

“But it’s over between us… I mean, nothing really started to begin with but… I don’t know, we just enjoyed each other’s company and spent a lot of time together,” you pause for a moment, letting your gaze drift to the window before you murmur, “maybe we kissed sometimes and he’d sleep over, and—”

“Oh please, you were dating this guy.”

“We agreed not to put a label on it,” you argue, chuckling a little when you notice Anju’s expression of sheer incredulity.

“Yeah, and it’s those kinds of relationships that usually end up meaning a whole lot more.”

Anju’s words hang in the air as you contemplate the possibilities. You wonder if she’s right. If you had stayed in Germany, would what you shared with Kaiser turn into something more tangible? Would he, for whatever reason, change and consider committing to you? Was that what you wanted? Commitment? Well, it seemed to be the only thing you knew anyway. After all, you’ve only ever dated one person and that person was so eager to offer you commitment. In the beginning, at the very least.

Though you loved her dearly, Anju had an annoying penchant for reading your thoughts because at the bright red traffic light, as soon as she stepped on the brake, she turned to you with a concerned look. “Do you still think about Sae?”

All you can do is sigh, throwing your head back against the headrest as you look at her. “Do you still think about Yoichi?”

“I do,” she says in a heartbeat. You’re slightly surprised by how honest she’s being; to you, to herself. You had a resolve to be like that too before, but sometimes it was annoying to admit you still thought of your ex-boyfriend. “He was a big part of my life. It’d be even weirder if I still didn’t think about him from time to time.”

She's right, you know she is.

“It’s been so long though," you sigh. "Everything’s changed—well, everything’s the same but somehow different, you know? I'm afraid admitting I still think about him means I haven't let go of the past. I've changed, I'm different now."

You say the words but it seemed more like you were trying to convince yourself than her. You and Anju are now 25 years old. It's an age that, when you were younger, seemed like the very definition of being a grown-up; an adult. You firmly believed that 25-year-olds had everything together already. A steady relationship, a stable job. At this age, you should always know to do the right thing, make the right choice, and never again make any mistakes. Because if you did, how could you excuse it? You couldn't blame it on youth, inexperience, or simply not knowing any better. 25-year-olds should know better.

But here you are, having just moved back to your homeland, leaving behind people you've only grown to care about and reuniting with ones you've always known. This didn't even include the upcoming challenges of securing another job, navigating the struggles of taking care of your sick mother, and having to make decisions without any sort of certainty in your clouded mind. It seems a little much for what you can carry.

"I can't afford to be thinking about him," you decide. "I doubt he thinks of me anyway. He'll be 26 in a month too. I'm sure he's changed in more ways than one."

"You still remember his birthday," Anju points out.

You blink, unaware of something that had come to mind so naturally. He's still so embedded in your life. "Oh, I guess I do."

Anju breaks the silence after a while, glancing at the rearview mirror when she hesitantly brings this up. "You're wrong about one thing though."

"What?"

"Sae was looking for you a few months ago. Well, I only heard about it from Meguru a few weeks ago, but it seems like he's been trying to reach you."

Are you still alive and breathing even if you feel like your heart stopped right then and there? It seems like Anju is trying to mention the fact as casually as possible and you try your best to pretend it's not affecting you. You don't want false hope, and hope for what, anyway?

"Oh?" you say, though it's clear Anju is trying to stifle her chuckles. "He's still in Spain though, right?"

"You didn't hear? Sae moved back to Japan this year."

Maybe you understand a little bit more now when people say timing is everything. Was it a coincidence that you and Sae moved back to your home country in the same year? Or, if you were a little braver, would you call it fate? Going forward, you don't know what to expect. There is still so much you have to take care of on your own. You won't nurture this little seed of hope wedged deep within the depths of your heart, but you will leave it there.

And if it sprouts into something more... well, you'll take care of it when that happens.