In The Ashes Of Past Times

In the ashes of past times

I find myself wondering

Of the present that will past

And if the times that come will last

I don’t believe anything anymore

I’m questioning my integrity

And my intelligence

The body I have that I hate

The mind I own that I can’t control

The loud pounding in my head

The heart beating fast in moments I’ll regret

I do what is pleasingly best for me

But I don’t enjoy it

I need to return it to the seller

This life

I mean it’s mean

It feels like bricks in my mouth

Like feathers in my throat

I’m gagging every time I speak

Can’t find the right words

Spitting them out

I’m a work in process

Or my process is done already and this is what I’ll finally be

I’m disappointed

I’m not getting the picture

I’m not seeing the paintings

I don’t feel the movies

I can’t find the one

I can’t remember what I want

I find it hard to talk it out

My mind always fucks me up

I’m done with this feeling

My arms hurt from the weight

My belly hurts from forgetting to eat

My legs too big for that dress

My spine too inclined I feel like slipping

Out of my body and into the dirty pavement

Break my bones

Break my neck

Forget I ever was myself

This disgusting thing

This disgusting being

This beast

Of a good child

That was once unprotected

Neglected

Forgotten

The return of the woman child

I wrote about her a lot

She looks like a woman, kind of, cause she’s very distorted

She is a child, her soul is too big and she’s very fragile

She is a woman all right cause that’s what is says on the door when she goes back into the bathroom

She is a child cause she forgets to take care of herself

She is a woman cause all the disgusting men say that

She is a child, she wants to be a child, she wants the body of a child but

She is a woman, cause it says on her birth certificate

She is a woman cause she is disrespected

She is a woman cause she doesn’t get a job easily

She is a woman cause she has to earn her body

She is a child cause she doesn’t want a body

She is a child cause she likes to play but the woman in her runs and hides away

She is a woman cause her hair is long

She is a woman cause her thighs create disturbing scenes in the heads of men

She is a woman cause she lacks control

She is a woman cause she doesn’t know

All the things they talk about her

She is a child cause the kids all ran away from her and she’s quiet and she’s raging

And the woman tries to save her

To preserve her spirit

Both of them will die

But who will win the ultimate fight

Be the woman or the child ?

Little angels drown in alcohol

The garden of Eden has lost its color

Everything is black and white on this earth apparently

And we even judge people by it

All the demons came to light

Shiny teeth that bite hard

Muscle in their arms so they can hold you tight

And uniforms that gives them a right and position

To oppress their peers

And chain them with no cause

Because that’s what we become

Politics over humanity

Capitalism over quality

Walking as a woman is dangerous

Because a man might get hurt by my rejection

And put his mind to action

It’s a scary world when you don’t feel you belong

Holding my girlfriend’s hand is scandalous

We’re suddenly obnoxious

Vile, vulgar and odious.

“Transforming little kids into homosexuals”

Shout the homophobes

When men see us the prey is double

Cause what’s more hot

Than two girls fucking each other

Gross old men looking for little kids

Calling them inviting just because their little skirt is flowing

Seeing them seductive and cuddly

Where’s the life penalty?

Men want their women all body magazines

But when they see a little meat on the bone they get scared of it

Because the problem is not the fat

Is emasculation, their dicks smaller like that

Thin is in until the body gives in

And on the cover of the magazine

Won’t be a picture perfect

But a nice obituary

Mother crying for her daughter

That she pushed into the headlights

Now she’s praying for her soul

In the mansion that she now owns

Little girls grew up with diets

Cola zero and cigarettes

Looking out for calories

And prescription pills

Little boys grew up with toy guns

And they fought each other in the playground

Now older boys play with guns

And they fight until they’ve reached the graveyard

Prayer after prayer every mother is grieving

For their loss

But who in the world gives a fuck

When in school they still have guns

Depressed little kid drawing his perfect life on paper

Father absent and mother alcoholic

Who is there for little Timmy

Life has learned him a new trick

When life comes as hard as it is

Get yourself a bag of chips

And some cola and some cookies

Because there you will find love

And when the kids at school will laugh

Only you would know that you’re loved unconditionally

By the thing that makes you sick

And bound

Or when little Angie cries to sleep

She learned that on an empty stomach

Feelings don’t matter anymore

Cause she’s like a rock

Her soul I mean, because her body is like a feather waiting for the wind to blow her into oblivion.

Johnny just shaved his beard and is wearing makeup now, he wants to be a woman and call her Jenny now

Betty from the grocery shop doesn’t have boobs anymore and she shaved her hair, she prefers to be called “he”

But the people will ask her if she’s sick and she will say no, I’m a man

Then the people look at her in a way like they wished she was actually sick

Because this world we live in

Being who you are is a sin.

Sisters, brothers and all that

Screwed up family, toxic to their peers, throwing stuff in your face until your nose bleeds

My mother didn’t had it very well, cause her mother was a drunk

And her father wasn’t in the picture very often

Cause he got a wife at home plus three kids to take care of

The other woman was the name of my grandmother

Nobody could stand her

Being visited by an older man at his new bought apartment that he gave to her as a gift for the new kid on the way

But beware, cause your wife was following your ass and she finally found out

And saw that you’re not that complex as you try to be

You’re just a stupid man who likes to fuck young girls

Get them pregnant buy a house

So now they’re all happy and stable

Not mentally cause you don’t give a fuck

Calling a 14 year old not depressed when she cuts herself

And those cuts created by insecurities made up from your own words

When you call her obese and a cow

But wait here, I guess that’s why you liked my grandmother

Cause she’s a bully herself

Punching my mother when she was drunk

Calling her bad words while throwing cups at her head

So forgive me child for my headache today

It won’t happen again I promise you

But the shit was always the same

When your wife found out what a dick you are

She forgot about you but didn’t divorce you cause you still provided

Home comfort and food

For the kids you forget sometimes

Cause your mind still thinks about pretty young girls

Who can marry you, tell me sultan

Can I take care of your forgotten harem?

When you get back to my mother

You spoil her with gifts and big words

Small adventures on the shore

Living life like in the movies

Let's pack our things and go swimming

I’m still wondering what you saw at my grandmother

Cause she was so fucked up

And you knew it

Thought she was a blizzard of shit

But you cleaned her up

And she became a proud diamond

For your new home and your new kid

That missed your presence when you were not here

When you were with your other wife and kids

What did they think about this

That you’re the perfect father who takes care of everything

Stupid asshole

Got my grandmother addicted

And you still blame the alcohol

For not wanting to marry her

Unsure about your self esteem

But in this equation x equals zero

Thinking you’re the one who knows everything

Fucking communist

That’s what you tried to produce

To multiply your family

To form a collective full of kids that can kiss your nasty ass

Forgot about my grandma

But lemme tell you she was getting real dirty

Missing hours from her apartment

Visiting neighbours with alcohol

Staying, drinking, thinking

What the fuck I’ve got involved in

Oh shit I forgot

I have a kid at home

Wondering if she missed me

The little kid at home cooked your food and you present her the other side of you

Diabolical woman, with a huge past behind , the same as the scars that your father provided to your back

I know you wanted to run

But the nearer person was this old man

Who got an interest in you

And then he literally got inside of you

Cause that’s how dirty motherfuckers feel good

But you succeed to get there when mama was crying

Cause grandma was beating her

Then you, big idiot on the street

Came into the house and solved shit.

Should’ve done it right

Got a divorce with the first wife and then marry the other woman

Cause you yell left and right that that's the perfect one for you

But your only issue was her alcohol addiction

So you let her live alone with that

In a different town than yours

But still close

So you could come and get whatever the fuck you want from her

She was a fool for falling in love with you

And you’re the biggest fool cause you believed she couldn’t live without you

Yet she did, but very hard

With her daughter and son in law

Who were expecting a child

Your granddaughter, stupid fucker

When she was born every day was left alone with that sick ass woman

Cause parents both at work

And your stupid man brain thought this may work

Sleeping in the same bed with my grandmother

Calling her my mother when mama was missing

But mother disappointed me

When she started kicking me

And calling me fat ass

Get up you cow

That’s a shitty thing to say grandma

Cause I love you very much

And I’ll still come to bed with you tonight

And the next morning you’ll feed me the biggest breakfast

So I know you love me even if you get mad sometimes

Sleeping with her until I was 13 and my ED came in

Had a new best friend

Cause the kids at school were laughing at me

For not being the same size as the girls in my class

Fuck you little shits

I’ll show you what’s what

Eating was forgotten and my mother didn’t see anything wrong

Cause she had her own problems with her own weight

I guess it runs in the family

So she drank her problems with my grandmother

And throw up seconds later

I had no one to drink my problems away

But to throw up I surely can.

Opening the drawers in my kitchen

My mother's favourite food was diet pills

How the fuck can you lose weight

When you only eat oil and shitty cooked meat

That you feed your family with

So how in the fuck there's no problem in this

Got sick of my grandma

Picking fights

Calling me a demon

Calling mama all the bad words

So she moved in the kitchen

Sleeping on a fucked up bed

With the stench of food all around you

Mama and dad should’ve bought a place for us three

Leave her behind

Cause all she’s done was picking fights

Mama was crying because of that

And I cried because mama was crying

My father was less present in this house

Cause he had no words for the situation we were in

His words will always be ”let's get up and leave”

But my mama loved her mother

Couldn’t leave her alone

Afraid she’ll found her dead one day

But I was always praying for that to happen

Cause with a dead grandmother things get easier

A nice kitchen and a good family life

Always thinking about poisoning her

But thoughts past

And she still was a bitch to me

Didn’t enter in the kitchen for a year and some

Afraid to see her stupid face

Her lost blue eyes and her red face from alcohol

What’s enough it’s enough

I couldn’t hold my tongue tied

And I called her all the words she called me years ago

And she got mad but she’s a stupid alcoholic

And I prayed to her that for my eighteenth birthday to behave

But she came in drunk looking for her change of clothes

She was standing naked right in front of my mirror door

And I could see all of her

Fortunate enough for me cause all the other guest couldn’t see shit

So that was about it

I forgot about her even if she lived a wall distance from me

She was an old woman who liked to get fucked up

And so I’ve become one

Getting out of this house cause I couldn’t take it no more

My mother being such a bitch when she drinks

And my father being so out of this reality

Outside I found friends that I could play with

We played like a chemistry game

We used to put all the substances together

And then have the time of our lives

Toxic relationship

Fights in parks

Punches in the door

Sex for making up

Drugs for getting even higher

Alcohol for feeling like I’m someone else

These years were bad for me

They made me what I am today

A retired alcoholic

Who still dreams about small doses

A depressed fuck

Who can’t get her shit right

With an ED on her back

Who won't leave cause she's attached to much

When the situation got real shitty

Mother losing the weight that should’ve been shed a long time ago

With help from her anorexic daughter

Of course she lost weight

Cause not eating brings you respect

And congratulations on the street

When I wanted to get out

My grandma was the one who actually moved out

So for us was the start of a new life

New kitchen new room new bed

No smell of old man anymore

No scandal anymore

No fights and drinks anymore with my mother

I stayed at home

Trying to recover

That didn’t work out very well

Cause I’m still fucked up in the head

Cheap perfume

and toothless smile

Childish dreams

and broken spine

Daddy’s home

Until he’s not

take a lesson

drink more wine

he’s not selfish

he is kind

he was sad

now he’s done

loosen kidneys

lose the kid

feed the girl

get one more drink

he was gone

all night and day

take a lesson

please behave

take a picture

made in vain

he’s not shallow

he’s not deep

not to show

not to show off

take the money

put it in the bag

go to sleep

never come back

Daddy’s house

is big and large

Family’s not

the only child

dead to me

dead to him

take a lesson

remember him

put the name

write it in stone

he was here

and now he’s gone

You’re never going to escape the things you’re scared of

You’re never going to enjoy the things you fear

The imprisonment of your pleasures takes hold of your actions

And you’re terrified of entertainers

Yet you use them constantly as an oppressor to your feelings

Accumulated by your own views about yourself

Thoughts pour in and out of your head

And into your actions

Your own words are hurting you

Your own moves are tangling you in

You put those chains on yourself and you threw the key away into abyss

Same liaisons are haunting you forever

Every word you say and every time you decide to do anything

You’re haunted

Ghosts of the past are in your dreams

And you wake up afraid they might be real

Your thoughts materializes them

And hold you by the hand

Carrying you into the future they want you to have

Because without them you’re nothing and you’re afraid of being alone

The singers of your agony will chant the song of death in your ear

The carriers of your casket will carry you through forests of wild animals that will eat your flesh

Fear of being haunted or hunted

My thoughts turn into animals

Feral beasts

Running to have me

To gobble up some organs

Of this body that has had enough

That wants to return to the shore

I’m done of swimming in deep waters