Recovery - Tumblr Posts
gentle reminder
progress might be slow, but you’re getting there
gentle reminder
hold onto the small, happy moments; the simple ones – they matter, they are steps forward
tw
three years ago, i found a hershey's bar in my pantry. with shaky hands and a guilty conscience, i broke off a few pieces to eat. i immediately tried to rid myself of the iniquity by attempting to seperate myself from the enemy: calories. i failed to forcibly vomit, so i tried again. and again. and, with no success, again.
i was so irrevocably in love with the concept of beauty that i led myself to such a dark place that i was blind to the beauty already around me. i lived my days in shame and inhibition.
it took years to recover from this mindset. to realize that there is nothing (absolutely nothing!!) to gain from starving. in pursuit of my weight goals, i lost happiness, friends, and my will to live. ana convinces you that this is worthwile, that your obstinance will pay off when you reach a certain weight. it wont!! i promise you!!
mental illness is inherently irrational. it will convince you that it subscribes to logic; it will blind you from reason. its up to you to see past this veil. so, please, ask for help, whether from a parent, friend, medical professional, teacher, whatever!! just ask somebody.
today, i ate a chocolate bar. i did not read the nutrition label until i had finished the candy and begun to fidget with the wrapper. "200 cals" the bar boasted in bold, black letters. the same number as that i read three years ago, but without any of the previous connotation. it was just a number.
three years ago, i was captive to disordered eating. today, i am free, healthy, and genuinely happy.
recovery is beautiful. i promise you, you are worth it.
Please, respect yourself!
(Originally I made this for Instagram with the audio of a channel I can't remember, I'm sorry! Video is from https://www.pexels.com/de-de/)
Church Boy-Long wait
I sat there for hours on end, contemplating returning home or waiting. Ironically, I ended up waiting because I couldn't decide.
"Mr. Fisher? He can be seen now." A nurse called, poking half her body out of the door. I jumped up and ran over, nearly falling as I did.
She guided me to the room with Travis. "Be careful; he's still a little out of it from the medication." she warned, exiting the room.
My heart broke when I saw him.
His eyes were red and glossy, and bumps and bruises covered him. "Hey, Trav..." I muttered. "Sal?" he whispered, grimacing as he spoke. "Don't talk; your lip is busted. It'll just hurt more." I said, sitting in a seat next to him and grabbing his hand. "What happened?" he asked, ignoring my advice. "Ms. Gibson and I broke in and...and we shot your dad because he cut me...then I found you and we carried you to the medics..." I informed.
He nodded but gasped right after. "Stop, Trav. You're going to hurt yourself more. Just relax; I'm not going anywhere. Not until I can take you home with me..." I promised, reassuring the bruised boy beneath me.
"I love you..." I whispered, letting tears fall from my eyes as Travis rubbed the base of my thumb with his own. I removed my hand so I could take my mask off. Once I did, I threw my hair into a ponytail with a pink scrunchie.
Soon, I gave him my hand and he grasped it again. He drifted off to sleep after a while. I never let go of his hand. I held it the entire time.
*Time Skip*
I had fallen asleep. When I woke up, I looked at Travis. He was awake and staring at me with the softest smile. "Morning, handsome." he greeted, squeezing my hand. "Morning, sexy." I retorted, smiling back at him as he smirked in pride at my nickname. "Haha, very funny." he replied, jokingly rolling his eyes. "I wasn't joking. I think you're sexy." I protested. "I know; I just wanted to hear you say it." he admitted.
"I love you." I said, watching as his smile shrunk a little. "What?" I asked, worried I said something wrong. "Why?" he asked, looking away. "Why do I love you? Is that what you're asking me?" I inquired. He nodded slightly and glanced back at me for a split second. "I love you because you love me unconditionally, you have the brightest smile and cute ass braces, your eyes are so deep and pretty, your skin is soft. You make me happy beyond belief and I couldn't imagine a world without you. Even thinking about one of us with someone other than each other makes my stomach churn. I love everything about you, Trav. From your family issues to your birthmarks and scars you try to hide." I admitted, my face heating up as I let out a breath, I didn't know I was holding.
"Oh please, you're flattering me~" he joked, holding his hand to his face, pretending to be swooning. "Ha, that's most of it. There's more." I said, halfheartedly giggling. "You should see what I write about you..." Travis murmured, not expecting to be heard. "What do you write about me?" I asked, utterly intrigued.
"I'll give them to you as your gift. If it wasn't for Christmas, you'd never even know about them." he informed, raising a finger and tapping my nose. "Fine. It's only two weeks away."
"That's so long~" he whined, and I smiled a little at his boyish nature. "You know what else is long?" I asked, trying not to smile. "Wh-" he stopped once he figured out what I was talking about. "No, I don't. Guess you'll have to show me." he taunted. "Once you're healed."
He pouted and rolled his eyes. "Fine..."
*Time Skip*
It was now two days before Christmas. Kenneth is in jail for child abuse, and I have to pick Travis up from the hospital. Today is the day he gets to come home.
Every day for two weeks, I would go to the hospital after school. I couldn't stop going. I had to learn so I could tutor Travis when he gets back.
I ran out of the school and down the street to wait for the bus. It took around ten minutes because of all the traffic with kids getting out of school. I used to ride with Larry but now I have to ride the public bus instead of the school bus.
Once it arrived, I climbed on and paid my fee. Taking a seat in the back, I was shaking in my seat. The bus stopped at the hospital, and I climbed off with incredible speed. I ran to the doors and into the elevator, pressing the button for the fifth floor.
Travis' Floor.
I sprinted to his room, opening the door with haste and impatience. "Travis!" I yelled, walking over to him. "Sal!" he yelled back, walking over to me with a slight limp. "You ready to go?" I ask, glancing at the nurse. She smiled and allowed us to leave, informing us to sign out at the front desk.
*Time Skip*
My father pulled up and we got in. I assisted Travis and then climbed in myself. "You boys ready? he asked, pulling out. "Yup. I finished the presents, and nearly used all the wrapping paper. Do you think Travis is going to like his gift?" I asked my father, teasing Travis with the mystery of his present.
"I do, Sal, I do. He'll love it." my father said, smirking as he picked up on what I was doing. "Really?" Travis rhetorically asked. My father and I nodded as he chuckled. "You guys are jerks." Travis insulted, crossing his arms.
"Listen, Trav," I said, resting a hand on his shoulder. "There was a long wait to see you out of the hospital. It's two more days."
Originally posted April 1st 2023 on Wattpad
"Church Boy." - Long Wait - Wattpad
Ominous mists || POV Bucky Barnes
Summary: Former Winter Soldier isn't sure who he really is. Struggling with the dark past and the metallic voice in his head, he tries to recoup what he had lost.
Warnings: None at this point.
Words: 548
Authors: Beast
A/N: I've decided to create my first Bucky's POV story, hope y'all enjoy it.
"Who do you think you are?" Asks the voice deep inside his head.
I don't know who am I anymore, he thinks, grinning sadly. He looks down at his metal fingers and how they're glistening in the setting sun as he stretches them slowly.
The wind blows him straight in the face but he doesn't mind it at all. Practically, he likes it.
He spent another day by lurking along city streets, without any particular reason. He enjoyed getting lost in the street buzz. And Bucharest was an adorable place to be lost in. The streets were saturated with the remains of communism, although the renewed parts of the city were pulsating with modernized life.
Now, he was sitting at Dâmbovița River, leaning his back against an old linden. Unexpectedly, man shivers when the same voice as before says something loudly inside his mind.
"You're nothing, just a piece of trash that nobody has ever needed," voice is getting louder and louder with every second.
SHUT UP!, he shakes his head. You're not real.
This time, however, the voice doesn't seem to disappear. "Murderer. You've killed so many innocent people. Who do you think you are?
He gets up from the ground and hits the tree's trunk with metal fist several times. I am not a FUCKING MURDERER!, he screams, he doesn't pay any attention to few people that stare at him in disbelief.
But the voice gets only louder, spreading through his mind and reaching every single part of his body. "You're nothing but Winter Soldier, serial killer, piece of trash, the unnecessary system bug which should be removed as soon as possible. But don't ya worry, they're coming for ya."
He turns head around, his hood falls almost on his eyes. He's afraid, like an animal that got into the hunter's trap. Are THEY really coming after him???
"Are you okay, sir?" An old woman comes to him, tilting head aside a bit. "Do you need help?"
He struggles with a will to ran. He gently pushes the woman and goes ahead but sinks onto his knees after few steps.
"MURDERER." The voice keeps humming. "MURDERER, MURDERER, MURDERER!"
He catches his head and with the corner of the eye, he can see how people take steps back as his metal limb is revealed. But he doesn't care of them. Man only cares to get rid of that awful voice that is pounded somewhere to his brain. He wants to be deaf at all the screams he can hear in his mind and soul, the screams of people he has killed. And these metal clang of that fucking bionic arm! It tears his personality apart. He doesn't know anymore if he's a human being whether a machine without emotions.
But there's a silver lining somewhere in his heart. A familiar male voice, he doesn't recognize it but somehow it makes that nice warmth spreads across his flesh.
"... till the end of the line..."
At the same second, the metallic voice in his head tries to be louder to deafen the male voice. But he knows the male voice either way...
Man opens his steel blue eyes widely, the last rays of setting sun make them glisten with a comprehension. He screams.
MY NAME IS BUCKY BARNES!!!
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need you
I wanted to make you happy but how? i did not know so I cut my heart my soul for you, my love to show I wanted you to love me so selfish as it seems i captured you and bound you up if only in my dreams I needed you to want me and though you never would I made believe in fairy tales that perhaps someday you could I needed you to ask me to beg and plead and cry I needed you to hate me I needed you to try if only for a moment that passion where to burn then for a moment I could live before to death i turn I needed you to say it say anything to me I needed you to prove I'm here to prove I mean something
can we talk about recovering from a porn addiction? can we talk about the self doubt and hatred and guilt that comes out of it? can we talk about it being incredibly lonely and isolating? can we talk about how going down that path rewires your brain and now you are working incredibly hard to set it back to normal? can we talk about some of the things that we are incredibly ashamed of doing at our lows, so we can recover from it? please, destigmatize porn addicts, and help recovery. it is a real addiction.
I have to remind myself each morning that it was I. I who stopped growing and let the demons possess my soul, consume my spirit spreading poisonous energy around those I love. It’s down to me to exorcise the demons and ignite the flame. The flame that she once allowed to be her warmth, the flame that matched her glow.
There’s still a shimmer of warmth, I’m not just ash. I prey she feels the ember within and I find the fuel to relight positiveness and be her comfort, her light once more.
Things to remember when Healing
So many people treat anger as something inherently toxic that you have to repress, but it can actually be a sign of growth and recovery. If you have been through trauma and abuse, reaching a place where you're able to go "your behavior is not acceptable and I'm not going to tolerate it because I know I deserve better" is very much a GOOD thing
Pure evanescent dawn
I'm growing old
My eyes are no longer drawn
To the emerging mould
Pure evanescent dawn
I'm no longer sinful
Like a young fawn
I feel blissful
That funny feeling when you start getting anxious for stupid reasons (aka an email and a couple of calls) and your anxiety gets even worse because people are gonna think that you’re a complete idiot for being anxious about such a stupid reason.
Earlier the waiter in our favourite pizzeria saved a slice of cheesecake for me and my mum because they only make it once in a while and he knows we really love it, and it was just so sweet of him. Like, it was such a kind and genuine gesture and it made me so happy and it’s not even about the cheesecake — which, btw, was dreamy.
I’ve not been feeling my very best lately and recovery can be hard sometimes but once in a while you get to experience kindness and suddenly it’s all worth it. It just makes you glad to be alive, yk?
Both me and my mum have had a stressful week, which means my dad got to eat not one but two cakes. Baking is how we decompress.
Best coping mechanism I’ve developed since middle school tbh
Stared at a photo of myself for too long and now I have to actively remind myself that my body is the least interesting thing about me. But still wtf was that angle???
I literally was on the verge of relapsing but then I got a cold, a fever and even my period and generally felt like shit because of cramps and all the rest. Which wasn’t exactly enjoyable but somehow it made me feel like a person again and kept me from interrupting my 126 days streak.
So thank you body for keeping my mind at bay, I guess?
<3
shoutout to the people who for the longest time didn’t see a future and thought their lives would be over by now. you made it. you’re still going. i know it’s hard building a future you weren’t prepared for, but i believe in you. you’re a survivor.