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Here's What It Means to Have Healthy Communication in a Romantic Relationship

Everyone says communication is the most important part of a relationship – but what does healthy communication actually look like? If you're stuck on this question, Celia Edell has practical tips to help.

1) “Say what you need from your partner. These needs will change over time. Your partner cannot read your mind, you have to tell them exactly what would help you when you’re struggling. When things are good, tell them what they are doing that you are liking.”

2) “Check in with your partner on what they need from you. Pretty simple. Just asking things like, “Did you have a good day? How can I help you? What do you feel like doing today?” Things you probably already ask them, but just making sure that you’re asking because you really want to know the answer.”

3) “Validate that what they’re saying is of interest to you, and that you’re listening. That is often all that someone wants after a long day, or a big thing happening.”

4) “Recognize how your partner’s identity affects them. If you’re in a relationship with someone who is not exactly like you, there will be things that they have not experienced, that you experience regularly, and vice versa. Learn to listen to your partner when they talk about these things, and recognize that their movement through the world is likely different from yours. This just requires us to take each other into account in an intersectional sense, and be sensitive to the different needs that arise from an oppressed identity.”

5) “Admit when you’ve made a mistake. Tell your partner when they’ve pissed you off, being honest about saying how it is, instead of making excuses or protecting each other unnecessarily. Even if the truth is that things aren’t great right now, they are much more likely to improve if you’re both on the same page, rather than one of you hiding your uncertainty from the other one.”

6) “Rephrase what your partner is trying to say, to clarify it to yourself, and see if you’re correct. Usually, if I’m mad, I’m not correct about it. Usually, I’m misinterpreting, because I’m upset or angry. If I say, “Oh, so you’re saying that we shouldn’t do this?” My partner can now see how I’m misinterpreting his words, he can restate them, like, “No, I just mean we shouldn’t do it today.”

7) “Avoid saying anything with the intention to hurt, because they will remember your words. Watch that what you way is really what you mean, and something that they can actually do something about…. If you and/or your partner resort to name calling, mocking, or insulting each other when things are tense, that’s something that you should try to address. My partner and I have a rule of no name calling. He’s never called me a name.”

8) “Try not to withdraw from confrontation and just hope it will go away, because you need to be able to talk these things out. You can walk away and collect your thoughts, but you should come back willing to give a hard conversation a go, because if you’re having a hard conversation and you get worked up, you might say something you regret.”

“Communicating is not easy. It can feel awkward, forced, unfair, but it is ultimately the most important aspect of being in a rewarding relationship, I think.”

Sure, relationships typically start with a honeymoon phase that then grows into something deeper but a bit more mellow if things work out, but it’s depressing as fuck that this has turned into a really, really common script for straight relationships that says it’s totally normal and inevitable for dudes to just become more and more emotionally checked out of the relationship, and leave it to their girlfriend/wife to perform if she wants to get even a crumb of affection from him. I’m so fucking tired of seeing women constantly being taught that decades of emotional neglect is just our lot in life.

My good people, I give you: Amatonormativity.