Oh Lookie, Paulo Is Just Much Of A Guilt Tripping SOB As Mike Is. These Douche Nozzles Are Growing Like

Oh lookie, Paulo is just much of a guilt tripping SOB as Mike is. These douche nozzles are growing like weeds in summer, aren’t we just the luckiest sons of bitches. Why, the only thing that could make this story arc better is the crippling amount of sarcasm I’m jamming into this sentence!

Oh, totally uncalled for, huh? Well, that’s putting it mildly you scarf wearing bastard. Hey, while we’re at it you wanna apologize for every other crappy thing you did? No? Well then, go to all the hell’s buddy.

Seriously, nobody installed any protection system on this damn mech after Shadow Moses?

I wonder how tastes tea mixed with blood

Oh, how do I love seeing Mike getting a middle finger shown that he so rightfully deserves. What’s wrong Mikey? Sad that Lucy isn’t gonna forgive you no matter what? Well suck it down buddy and keep suckin’ till you choke. 

Hey look kids, a complete and utter dumb ass trying to sound like a legit critic. Congrats on being a pretentious wanker, who can only nitpick and quite frankly come off as a sad manchild. 

Final Space is the WORST show I have ever seen in my entire life.

I DESPISE the show “Final Space.” I hate it. I can scarcely even REMEMBER the last time I hated any work of fiction this much, aside from “Thief 2014.” So why am I writing this? Well… I’m writing this review because nobody else will. I don’t know if it’s because the animation quality bar has been lowered, or if people suddenly got dumber as a whole in the last few months, but people seem so blinded to this show’s myriad faults that they are praising it like its the second coming of Walt Freaking Disney. It’s baffling.

So if you’re one of those people who thinks Final Space is the greatest animated show of 2018, please be warned that I am going to be VERY appropriately unkind to this show. Also keep in mind that while I’m not a professional reviewer (or even a smalltime Youtube reviewer), I’m only doing this because I simply CAN’T stay quiet about it. Some of these references might leave you scratching your head if you haven’t watched the show. But like I said. I’m only writing this as a form of catharsis, so don’t expect “pro” levels of review structure. Also, some spoilers. Now, let’s go over the list of why this show makes me so angry. Irredeemably obnoxious, one-dimensional characters. Gary is obnoxious and self-centered. KVN is even more obnoxious to distract from Gary’s obnoxiousness. Quinn is “serious.” Avocato is also “serious.” Little-cato(ugh, really?) is “revenge-obsessed.” Lord Commander is “evil.” Six-eye guy (I forget his name and I don’t care) asks “yes or no” questions to himself and always answers “yes.” That’s his entire character. Nothing more to him.

And the roster goes on like this. None of these characters have any layers to them. And any time they DO try to introduce some backstory or pathos, it comes across as desperate and out of character. And because the character stories are so shallow and devoid of passion, I feel NOTHING when they are killed off, or when they suffer. Nobody in this show reacts to things in a way that normal people would in their situation. Gary, the lone convict aboard a prison ship, has been leaving hundreds upon hundreds of messages for Quinn the soldier girl, and this is somehow “flattering” to her? How do you think a real woman would react if she learned that an insane maniac was obsessed with her and has been sending her love letters daily? If HUE is an on-board A.I. for a prison ship, why is he so easily convinced to give this “friendship” thing a try? He’s a digital PRISON WARDEN, he shouldn’t be this chummy with a convict. And what the HELL is up with the obvious ship-baiting between Avocato and Gary? Those pouty-lipped looks and “hair blowing in the wind” poses they did for each other was so cringe-worthy I had to pause several times to get through it. This isn’t how friends act. The writers clearly don’t know anything about how people talk to each other. Wasted plot threads in almost every episode. Olan keeps introducing plot points that have no significance whatsoever. Sci-fi events that are so inconsequential and interchangeable, you’d swear they were from a rejected Family Guy script.

I’ll wear this dead alien’s skin so I can hide! Oh wait never mind, it fell apart 2 minutes later.

Oh cool! Gary now has a robot arm! What’s he gonna do with it? Oh… Nothing? Not even super strength? Maybe finger guns or grip strength…? No? Okay…

Hey, Avocato shrunk to the size of an action figure! Maybe he can hide in a guard’s pocket or sneak in through the air vents! Oh wait never mind, he’s back to normal.

Whoa, this planet is actually TWO planets, we’re on the wrong one! Oh wait, nvm. We can just jump to the other.

Oh shit! HUE just put a timed explosive collar on Gary, so they have to be back on the ship real fast!  No, just kidding, he lied about the explosive.

‘Hey Quinn. I’m you from the future, and I love Gary.’

'Well I hate Gary.’

'No, you love Gary.’

'Oh, okay. I guess I love Gary now.’ :T Also, why would the Lord Commander have a warship fleet when literally ANY ship can just throw out their Light Fold (warp) core and obliterate everything? Has this honestly never been tried by anyone in that universe? Never been attempted by any military? This is like a police officer trying to take out a whole squadron of fighter jets by running them down with his car, and somehow succeeding. The worldbuilding is among the laziest I have ever seen outside of a highschool writing class. All we know is that: Aliens exist, Earth has some sort of…. ffffederation? …and we have virtually no understanding of how humans (as a race) get along with other species. We don’t know how Lord Commander rose to power or acquired his army. How did he get that army? Even if he has psychic powers, ONE person can’t force loyalty from millions all by himself, with no assistance from anyone. Unless they’re as powerful as Freeza from Dragon Ball Z. We don’t even know the NAMES of any alien races. WHAT SPECIES is Avocato and (ughh)LIttle-Cato? And don’t say he’s a cat-person, because shut up. The world doesn’t even feel alive. Nothing seems to exist outside of the main cast. The prison ship is conveniently empty, Quinn is the only other human with any meaningful contribution to the plot, KVN serves no purpose whatsoever, except to die for a joke that wasn’t even funny. Earth is ravaged by gravity anomalies, and New York is empty. Just… empty. NOBODY IS ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK DURING THE APOCALYPSE. They can’t even build worlds that are ALREADY built for them! Where the hell is everyone!? The character designs admittedly aren’t the worst I’ve seen. If the show was actually well-written, I wouldn’t even be complaining about the visuals. But you can see the lazyness in the show’s style that is sadly so popular nowadays. Pouty “outie bellybutton” mouths, as seen in the picture above. Ultra-simplifed rubber hose designs (I’ll try not to reference CalArts), uninspired wardrobes, not to mention just how uncreative the main character designs are. Six-eyed green alien. Floating green oval with antennas. Tiny green humanoid in a black robe. Green = alien, apparently. Black and white cat.  Teenage neon mohawk fursona. No effort was made to be unique or memorable.

Wow, it’s like I’m browsing FurAffinity, in the far off year of 2004!

If you made sillouettes of the characters and removed the heads, it would be difficult to tell most of them apart. Even Pendleton Ward (Adventure Time, Bravest Warriors) understands the importance of unique sillouettes, and his character designs are even simpler.

The show is absolutely desperate to be taken seriously, like an edgy teenager. The show utilizes brutality and violence in a pitiful attempt to shock the audience. Every episode, we are treated to some sort of grisly death or hideous misfortune befalling a completely (or at least somewhat) undeserving character. Like bathroom stall guy being left unconscious in a bathroom stall for 5 years, electrocuting someone for 30 actual seconds until they explode, or wearing the skin of a grief-stricken family’s mother. This is the kind of humor you would expect from a psychopath someone who watches Rick and Morty, but doesn’t understand anything about its themes, and has no idea how irony actually works. The word “butthole” is said like, 20 times in 1 minute. It’s like jingling keys in front of a baby. Except the baby is dead. You get it? The baby is dead! IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S HORRIBLE!  LAUGH, DAMN IT!!

The protagonist is just… awful. Gary is just the absolute worst, scummiest person I’ve ever seen in a cartoon. A destructive, self-centered, dangerous SOCIOPATH who doesn’t deserve to have ANYTHING good happen to him. Knocking a soldier unconscious and taking his uniform so he can score with another female soldier? And then faking being a pilot and accidentally shooting down like 20 Earth ships? And then STALKING that same girl from his prison cell for 5 years? That’s just a fraction of his atrocities. Is this who we’re supposed to root for!? And having a dead father doesn’t in any way excuse his actions. Clearly his father didn’t raise him right anyway, so seeing him explode in flashbacks isn’t heartwrenching. But what really makes this cross from “forgettably bad show” to “offensively bad” for me… is the production values. That is what truly makes me hate this show more than any other I’ve watched in my 36 years on this Earth.

Yes. This show DOES have legitimately good moments. But they’re so few and far between that it almost feels like a completely different program. The special effects are vividly colorful and well-rendered.   Earth’s Gravity failing was an interesting event, or at least it would have been if Gary wasn’t talking like a douchebag throughout. The Cosmic Titan grabbing earth from the portal was epic, and it was wasted on a show like this.

During this scene, all I could think about was how much more awesome this would have been in an Avengers movie.

In our frustratingly imperfect world of limited talent pools, every BAD show getting made represents another brilliant show NOT getting made. I’m still waiting for the next season of Venture Bros. And that’s why this show enrages me so much. It’s a waste of talent, overseen by someone who has no talent. As someone else so succinctly put it: “It tries to be the best of Futurama and Rick & Morty, but winds up being the worst of both.” And that pisses me off, because when I saw the preview last year, this SEEMED to be the exact sort of thing I would like. But it wasn’t. It’s a lump of filth wrapped in a pretty box. Final Space?

No. WASTE OF SPACE. Oh. And if by some impossible chance, a Youtube reviewer reads this and hates the show as much as I do? Feel free to take whatever you want from this to use yourself. You don’t even need to give me credit, I don’t freaking care. The more people that are convinced to skip this show, the better. I’m sick of talentless hacks getting rewarded for making uninspired garbage. Still, watching this show wasn’t a complete waste of time. By watching it, I legitimately, no sarcasm, learned a lot about how NOT to write a story.

And that’s all I have to say about it until the next season, which I can only hope NEVER comes.