Oh Yes, The Idea Of Vegetative-style Reproduction In Cybertronians Is So Wholesome And Sexy. Partly Because

Oh yes, the idea of vegetative-style reproduction in Cybertronians is so wholesome and sexy. Partly because the more we separate the process of making kids from the burden of raising them, the better. If we view the topic through kink, having to take care of little goblins for years is not sexy.

But impregnating the planet with eggs? HOT.

I once stumbled across a (very controversial!) claim about Ancient Egyptian pharaohs jerking off their royal phalli over the waters of the Nile to trigger its flood and help crops grow. Probably a pseudo-historical speculation inspired by the myth of Atum. (I had to google it to check in case it's something my mind's made up, and the titles of the articles are bullshit. "Grossest Ritual of Ancient Egypt" my ass. Western civilization is a piece of crap. I'd die to see such a ritual, even if pharaohs never actually performed it.) 

So, yeah, the idea of people fertilizing the environment is so exquisite. So rooted in the philosophy of creature–nature connection and complementarity. Maybe we should explore it on this blog one day.

Does anyone else ever think abt the worldbuilding of eggnancy bc I do frequently... eggpreg sexy but what do yall think happens to the eggs once they're laid...

My personal pet headcanon is that it works like plant reproduction. You pollinate the pussy and the egg is a seed and you plant it in the fertile cybertronian soil (mineral dust and energon)

Couple centuries later a new robot sprouts from the dirt fully formed. À la cabbage patch kid

If you knew how many nasty medical kink ideas parade through my brain, you'd feel pity for me. Today it's Spinister giving Fulcrum a bottom surgery, part 1/2. The procedure of reformatting Fulcrum into a K-con was quick and rough. Living weapon production prioritizes rate and efficiency over individual approach and actually making it comfortable for patients. Fulcrum heard about those who got their post-reformatting dysphoria so awful they asked to be used as fast as possible, ironically, not because of their passion for The Cause. Maybe it was done this way on purpose.

Some of Fulcrum's components have felt like not sitting right since the reformation. And now, when the war is over, it hits even harder, but it's not the worst issue. The worst is that now he doesn't have to die and can enjoy life for a little while, before they run into the DJD again. But he's missing some parts designed for life enjoyment. Long story short, his spike and valve are long gone, his interface panel is sealed.

That's what he told Spinister, who is now working between his legs. Fulcrum's sensors below his waist are shut down, so it's a loud "A-ha!" that tells him the seal's finally come off. Spinister clicks, eyeing the bare array.

"Dirty work," he says, sounding amused. Fulcrum is looking now too, and the whole thing is… unsettling. Dented, crumpled metal. Melted wiring. Well, maybe Fulcrum shouldn't feel shy about Spinister staring at his junk, because there's no junk, technically. This thought is not helping, though.

"They uprooted your fun parts but left the spike housing in place. The juice system seems fine too," Spinister's finger is pointing at a hole with rippled edges that used to be a spike housing. "I can't restore your hoo-ha and ding-dong, sorry, no spare materials. But I can make a neo-cunny from your spike housing. If I fix the tubing, you'll get all nice and wet when horny again! I just need to rewire it here and ri-ight there. You like being spiked?"

Heat washes through Fulcrum's energon vessels in a wave. And maybe it's a glitch in his audio processing, but Spinister sounds… suggestive?

"You mean you can create a valve?" Fulcrum asks hesitantly.

"Short and cute one, yeah!"

Short and cute sounds better than nothing at all. And to be honest, Fulcrum really liked being spiked back then.

So, for the next half an hour, he's staring at the ceiling with his sensors still numb and only his spread-out pose and Spinister's soft humming telling him about the magic being performed. When they're finished, he's hesitating again, not sure if he's ready to see the result now. Maybe it's better to thank the doc, close his panels, and explore himself (in any way it takes) in the safety of his hab. But Spinister's "C'mon, look, that's a cute one" makes him in-vent deeply. And look.

And oh damn, it's a valve. Placed where his spike used to be. Smaller than his old one. But it's definitely a valve, with delicate petals tightly closed over it. Even a small node is visible below the entrance. Could be a beautiful minibot cunt, Fulcrum thinks, feeling weirdly hot. He's not a narcissist or shit, no, but seeing his own array functional again fills him with so much happiness that it quickly transforms into excitement, then into arousal. With his sensors awoken back through the medical panel, he can feel his neo-valve fucking TINGLING.

"Wanna give it a test drive?" Spinister asks, admiring his work and reaching with his finger to touch. Fulcrum nods weakly and pushes his hips up. And oh, he's feeling, he's feeling it.

Lubricant's oozing out while Spinister's big fingertip's circling the external lining, testing the sensitivity, or teasing, or toying, or everything at the same time. When his pad brushes the node and slips lower, the fleshy petals stick tightly around his phalange, and Fulcrum's overloading. His insides are clenching. Mechanisms that used to help his spike pressurize are spasming haltingly, as if confused by their new function. So odd and sweet at the same time. Fulcrum can't hold back a whine.

Spinister lets him catch his breath for several seconds before standing up, but not to move away.

"See, it worked," he says, his plating proudly (or eagerly?) puffing up. "I'll spike you now, right?"

Such a shame I've never seen a single piece of art depicting Overlord licking Tarn's machine gun barrels. There's an upsetting lacuna where the perfect manifestation of oral fixation, personal space violation, and disturbing eroticism could be.

If I could ever produce something visually pleasing, I'd be absolutely determined. C'mon, that scene's already formed in the realm of ideas, all we need is a little transcendence. 

False spikes and valves that actually overload. For those who like to satisfy their partner to properly get off. Don't listen to me. Also, once again, vibrating false valves.

Cybertronian sex toys must go crazy

False spikes that expand every time a bot overloads making it impossible for them to clench around it properly and leaving them absolutely gaping by the end

Fake panels designed to vibrate and stop keeping the wearer constantly edged through out the day

Magnets that connect to each node inside a valve, stimulating them individually and in different ways and rhythms

Ballbearings that have been magnetised in different ways so they’re constantly shifting inside a valve

A matching set of a false spike and valve that can be connected to specific bot spike or valve so partners can interface not matter the distance

Vibrators that are made specifically for a bots spike sheath that keep the spike from extending as well as keeping unbearably it stimulated

Learned about the existence of a cracksip Aragog x Ford Anglia (Ron's car) in the Harry Potter fandom. That's how people get by in the dark, not knowing that right next door they can have a giant sentient spider, creepily tricking a flying car into a toxic relationship and filthy web-bondage sex. (And yeah, I mean it. Prowl IS a flying car. Have you seen him when someone gets so pissed off with his bullshit they completely lose their shit on him?)

I can get why people have concerns about Bumblebee being chatty in TF: One. Not because it'll automatically make him an annoying one, but let's be honest, authors tend to fuck up upbeat and extraverted characters and cross the line between a talkative and outgoing personality and a bothersome pain in the ass. Judging by what we got in those two trailers, I can see him being at risk of being reduced to an uncharismatic comic relief.

We already have a prominent example of a chatty character being complex and likeable. I'm well aware of how you guys adore Swerve, and I like him too. That's what happens when actual work is put into writing. 

Let's hope my worst speculation on Bee in One stays just, ugh, my worst speculation.