You Can Rip Minsc Out Of My Cold Dead Hands I LOVE HIM

You can rip Minsc out of my cold dead hands I LOVE HIM

Been thinking a lot lately about romanced Astarion post-spawn ending.

Because like. The Funnest™ thing about cptsd is how much of it gets delayed. When you're trapped in a lengthy, ongoing traumatic situation, you do not have the ability to process and start healing your mental wounds. Your brain and body go into survival mode, and all that matters in the moment is that you somehow cope with the horrors. He wouldn't have been able to even begin dealing with the physical, mental and emotional toll of two hundred years of torture, brutalization and dehumanization while he was under Cazador's control; he is in constant danger, surrounded by sharks in the water, and survival means not letting them smell blood. He can't afford to fall apart, to show weakness. He is shockingly functional and competent in-game, partly because he has to be to work as a game character, but also partly because...it do be like that, to some degree. When death, for whatever reason, is not an option, you just have to shut down and keep going. People adapt in order to survive, and when we learn that showing an "injury" (physical or psychological) only gets us punished, we learn to hide it.

Early-game Astarion is terrified - of Cazador, of Godey, of being hunted down by his siblings, of being staked or sold off at the first opportunity by Tav and the other companions, of turning into a mindflayer, of another painful transformation, of losing himself when he's only just regained his autonomy after two centuries, of what Cazador will do to him if he ever finds him - the man is overwhelmed by fear. He's on thin ice as a vampire, and he's not going to give them any more reason to want him gone. Survival instinct is still in control, and in this new situation, crafting some fragile safety for himself means not only selling his body for protection, but also being useful. Clear-headed. Good in a fight.

Endgame Astarion finds himself in a completely different situation. The time-sensitive overarching threats - Cazador and impending ceremorphosis - have been dealt with. He has a loving, supportive partner he's really starting to feel safe with - Tav/Durge has proved that they're on his side, that their affection is genuine, that they don't just want him for the one thing he's been told he's good for. They've told him they're going to help him find a workaround for his sun allergy. He's getting fed regularly. He has time to stop, and breathe, and just. Recuperate.

For the first time in 200 years, he is safe.

And it will probably take a while to catch up, during which time he will seem to be coping really well, but at some point, his brain is going to realise that he's safe, and it's going to finally start processing the sheer fucking horror he's been through. Since I haven't seen anyone talking about this particular fun aspect of cptsd, allow me to offer u some thoughts on issues Astarion and Tav might end up dealing with in the months/years postgame, during the

✨ Delayed Trauma Response ✨

Memory Gaps: Astarion realising, as he opens up to Tav, that there are entire years or decades of his life from which he has only a handful of memories. Great big blank stretches where he has no idea where he was, who he was with, what was happening to him. Some of the gaps cover years at a time where he was so dissociated and shut down that he just didn't retain any memories of what was going on around him. Some are shorter periods of particularly horrific torture that his brain has deliberately blocked out to protect him.

Recovered Memories: At some point, years into the future when he's done A Lot of healing, he might find that every now and then, a fragment of those lost memories will unexpectedly come back to him. He'll catch a particular scent on the breeze, or overhear a specific phrase in the street, or cross paths with someone whose face is oddly familiar, and he'll get a glimpse of an acute horror he'd filed neatly away where it couldn't hurt him anymore. He very rarely remembers all the context to those flashes of his past. He might recall that he was punished, but not what he was punished for, or he might remember words spoken by a greedy conquest, but be unable to recall the man's face.

Dissociation: Tav knows going into this relationship that Astarion has basically made an art out of dissociating during sex. They also know, from their shared encounter with the drow twins, that he's not great at enforcing his own boundaries - he'll always say he'll speak up and back out if he stops having fun, but in practice he rarely does; he's not used to having the option of saying no to his partner, and being punished if he tries. So they know there's going to be some practice and experimentation and negotiation necessary there, to figure out the rough limits of his comfort zone. But once he starts really processing, there may be days where he just checks out completely. Tav will touch his shoulder, and he'll startle and apologise - "Terribly sorry, darling, I was miles away for a moment there." And Tav will gently point out that he's been sat in the same spot vacantly staring into the middle distance for hours. They've been checking in on him occasionally and this is the first time he's responded. It's unsettling, to say the least.

Lost Time: Astarion was very young when he was turned, physically mature but emotionally juvenile. He was basically an overgrown teenager, in the phase of life where elves are just starting to learn who they are and what they want, and figure out their place in the world. But he never got to do that, because he spent his formative young adult years in a world where everyone became an abuser, where his only means of surviving was to smile and charm and obey while even his basic human dignity was stripped away. He learned that communication is based on manipulation. He learned that the powerful can do whatever they like to the weak. He learned an incredibly toxic, abusive way of life, and that was his family dynamic, his everyday life, for as long as he can remember. Now that he's free and safe, he's realising that the world doesn't actually work that way and that he's now far behind even shorter-lived races in social/emotional development. He's grieving for the person he could've been. He's grieving for the life he could've lived. He's grieving for all the years he already lost, and the ones he'll lose in the future as he flounders to catch up. A decent chunk of his life was stolen from him, and that's time he will never get back.

Flashbacks & Night Terrors: Specifically the kind where your brain convinces you that an injury you had a long time ago is actually an injury you have (or are receiving) right now. There are nights where he'll wake Tav in a panic, because his back feels like it's on fire, he can feel every freshly-carved wound dripping blood and he's in so much pain he doesn't know what else to do. If Tav looks, they see nothing out of the ordinary - old, long-healed scars, same as always. But the pain and the fear and the distress are all very real to him, and all they can do is try to comfort him, cover his back with cool damp cloths or healing salves, remind him he's safe now and they're not leaving him.

Boundary Shifting: Sometimes, Tav can come up and hug him from behind, and he'll melt into them a little bit and go all soft and happy. Other times, he might flinch away or go rigid at the same gesture. A lot of the time, it really depends on how he's feeling on the day, but at least a little bit of it is deliberate - he's pushing to find the limit of just how much autonomy Tav is willing to give him. He wants to know at what point they'll stop respecting his "no". Will they accept it if he doesn't want a hug? If he wants to sleep in his own room tonight? At what point will understanding turn to anger at being rejected? From the drow twins four/fivesome, we also know he's got a tendency to push his own boundaries, and jump into things he's actually not ready for, and Tav would be the one holding his hand through the fallout as he tries to figure out what his own boundaries even are.

Frustration! So, so much frustration. He wants to be Over It already. He wants to move past everything that ever happened to him and never think about it again. He hates that Cazador still has a grip on him, even in death - he doesn't want to give the bastard the satisfaction of dwelling on all his punishments, his cruelties. Sometimes, that frustration is going to explode outwards at Tav - he'll get angry at them for coddling him, or find something small to start a fight over, or he'll set an unreasonable boundary and try to defend it because he's still learning what healthy boundaries look like. Sometimes, it will implode inwards, and that won't be about Tav at all, but they'll get the brunt of it all the same - it might come out as self-loathing or self-punishment, and he'll react by doing something stupid, like trying to drive them away, because having a secure, relatively healthy relationship is terrifying and the instinct is to destroy it before Tav can. There will be yelling and angry tears and deeply unhealthy coping mechanisms, and they'd have to work through that. Trauma is ugly, and Astarion is right at the beginning of a very long journey towards healing.

Abandonment Issues: Astarion wants the relationship to be one between equals, but he's kind of got Tav on a pedestal all the same. They saved him. They helped him get rid of Cazador for good. They chose him and love him despite a wealth of better (in his eyes) options, and all his baggage. They stayed with him even when he has very little to offer them. We know his vanity and obnoxious self-absorption is a fragile attempt to obscure the fact that his self-esteem is in the dirt and he has virtually no self-worth, and there are a couple of occasions in-game where it becomes clear that he's afraid of losing the one person who somehow considers him lovable. After seeing Sebastian and all the other conquests, he begs Tav not to hate him, saying that he did what he had to. If he has a rival for Tav's affections, and Tav informs him that they broke up with the rival to be with Astarion, he's shocked and the first thing out of his mouth is, "You ended things with them for me? Why?" And if Durge tries to break up with him for his own safety, his facade drops and he immediately asks if he did something wrong. So while he's not afraid to argue with Tav, if something happens - like an angry outburst - that upsets or angers them, and he thinks he's at risk of losing that one steady, stable person in his life, he might well cling and overcompensate to try and repair what he thinks is a fracture in their relationship. He'll fawn or beg or crawl into Tav's bed to "apologise" and "make it up to them" because, well, very occasionally it worked on Cazador. With patience and good communication and lots of repeatedly driving the lesson home to overcome 200 years of education to the contrary, he will eventually start to believe that "I'm really pissed off at you right now," does not equate to, "You are the worst mistake I've ever made and I am leaving you."

Panic Attacks: I feel like honestly he'd get some symptoms of these on a fairly regular basis, but he's never been given any option other than just trying to power through them. He's used to realising he's shaking, he's used to feeling like he's watching himself from outside his body, or like he can't breathe even though he doesn't need to. He's very familiar with the sickening fear in his gut, so intense it makes his head spin. He's not used to being comforted or reassured about them - he thinks they're normal. Tav disagrees.

Anyway, cptsd is messy and complicated and often looks very different from person to person so these will not represent everyone's but these are just some ideas for what the ongoing recovery process might make them work through, based on the aspects I'm most familiar with.

Projecting? Who's projecting? I'm not projecting. Shut up.

characters whose philosophy is “if i cannot be wanted, i will be needed and if i cannot be needed, let me be used until there’s nothing left of me.” thank you for everyone’s attention. falls off stage and dies

You can take a break from your fic and write notes for another fic

Shadowgast <—> bloodweave pipeline

Spent a long time on this art resource/reference masterpost! If you have a request for resources for me to find OR have a resource you want me to add, just send me an ask :D 

General Anatomy/Human stuff:

body quick tips

painting/drawing straight hair

how to draw eyes

arm squish/bend tip

chest/pecks with raised arms tip

long hair how to

male torso anatomy (back)

learn manga male anatomy (torso & arm)

male torso anatomy (front)

head and hair tips (scroll  a bit, it’s in one of the images!)

how to draw noses

ears tilty tip

arm tips

two tips for drawing women’s hair

drawing teeth

anatomy tips

random hair and mouth ref anime

leg muscle anatomy ref

arm muscles anatomy ref

knees reference

arm ref study

quick arm tut tip

how to draw arm

shoulders n sleeves

Poses:

umbrella poses

random female poses

random anatomy pose thing

chibi sleeping in hands pose

laying poses

elf (?) with staff poses

holding phone half bod

peeny wolf pose set

perspective pose sheet

anatomy poses 

crossed arms ref sheet

holding baby poses

Hands:

how to draw hands 1

hand refs & tutorial 2

hand tutorial 3

hand tutorial 4

36 hands

how to draw hands in 10 minutes

hands ref 2

hand gestures and simplifying the hand

arm & hand ref

500 hands

Diversity:

stop drawing natives red

wheelchair tutorial

drawing fat people

vitiligo notes for artists

darkskin palms

epicanthic folds

biracial characters

do’s and don’ts of thick lips

Animals/Creatures:

how to draw falcon beaks

canine studies (broken down into parts)

feline tiger ref

Insect wing venation

Musculature of a T-Rex

Pony bodies tutorial

Hyena Nose tutorial

horse reference

drawing horns

Flesh tutorial

bird tips

wing basics

making mythical creatures look realistic

pony heads tutorial 

dragon designing tutorial pt 3/3

pony wings tutorial

hedgie bodies

Furry/Anthro:

dogquest’s pixel tutorial

furry portrait tutorial

furry pants tutorial

how to draw paws/pawhands

fur direction reference

anthro tips

muzzle shapes

furry styles

anthro expressions

f2u chibi-ish furry base

furry / cartoon head tutorial

f2u furry base/pose w three different ears

drawing humans! for animal artists

Backgrounds:

how to draw debris

fire tutorial

night sky tutorial

materials study with notes

tree tutorial

water tutorial

tangents??

ocean painting

clouds tutorial

bubbles

painty background studies tips

peony tutorial

lakeside tutorial

quick flowers for the lazy

mistletoe vs holly

Perspective:

foreshortening coil technique

foreshortening tutorial

Webcomic:

medibang comic panel tutorial

how i make webcomics/webtoons

how to color comics

the art of lettering comics

comic/doujinshi paneling

in depth webcomic tutorial

Coloring:

72 Color Combinations

How ViPOP uses color

Hair coloring tutorial by rosuuri

Gurochii moe quick eye tutorial

Anime eye tutorial

Mermaid tail tutorial

Grayscale to Color painting tutorial

chibi eye walkthrough

skin tone tutorial 1

curly hair tutorial

color palette

coloring tutorial

light, it gets everywhere

comfort color

skin coloring tutorial

holographic tutorial

dappled lighting effect

cute/bright coloring tutorial 

pattern trick

arcana character coloring tut

Expressions/ Meme / style:

small body language study

expressions reference

how to cute

Platonic cuddles meme

expression reference : nervous

flustered expression meme

drawing expressions tutorial/key

Pixel Art:

Pixel icon tutorial

Ice cream

Moving clouds tutorial

50x50 pixel doll tutorial

pixelin’s pixel process

pixel expression ref

pixel eye blinking tutorial

how to pixel liquids

Clothing / Accessories:

Shoes

Fancy color tip / ref

Chainmail

short reference

learn manga basic pleated skirt tutorial

learn manga basic frills

random clothing refs

chainmail brush

clothing ref masterpost

pinstripes tips

cloth texture tips

how to clothing folds

Misc:

Sketchfab 3d Models

Mikeymegamega on YT for anime/ecchi/etc

Gentei_sozai on twitter for chibi poses

S0zalsan on twitter for random poses

mecha basics

75 tutorials

Obvious art tips you might have forgotten

Mosaic effect

how to draw a cute chibi

fighting artblock

cute pikachu base

painting a face tutorial

volume commissions mini tutorial

arcana characters tutorial reference

notes from the “animators survival kit”

concept art tutorial

another art resource masterpost

MS paint tips and tricks

Reference table for drawing CONSISTENT faces

@hanari0716 on twitter for HELLA references

animation guide for beginners

Brushes:

Foliage brushes

cityscape brushes

ghibli brushes

clip studio paint assets

PS brush pack