Fall In Love Gently. Remind Yourself That You Are The Longest Relationship Of Your Life. Remind Yourself

“Fall in love gently. Remind yourself that you are the longest relationship of your life. Remind yourself that you are a child of this universe and that you are worthy of happiness. Fall in love with the way you feel things deeply. The color of someone’s laughter. The texture of someone’s kindness. The nostalgia of going back to places that caused you so much pleasure and pain. You are an old soul trapped in a body that’s slowly, slowly decaying. You are a traveler of both the outer world and the inner world. Fall in love with your failures. The events that shaped you into becoming who you are today. Embrace your shortcomings for they serve as a lesson in your formless memory. Forgive yourself for everything that is causing you so much pain. It is a brutal process, and you must get through it. Self-hate can only generate more worry in your life. Let it go. You don’t have to carry it forever. Fall in love with your body. Romanticize it. The freckles on your face are constellations. The heart-shaped birthmark right behind your hips. The positive aura of your gummy smile. The way that your body is working hard to keep you alive like electricity lighting up a whole city on a cloudless night. Fall in love with your existence. The little things that make you who you are. The poetry that you write. The instrument that you play. The way you put your makeup on as you face another challenging day. These little things that make you who you are come from the way you express your being. Fall in love with yourself until you finally feel like home.”

— Juansen Dizon, Soft Reminders

every time

a little has gone by

i think about you

and i try to get a little past it

but again that's it i've had it

can't get you out of my head

and every time it makes me cry

listening to what you said

and i think about you

every time

a little has gone by

Unsteady (Brother!Bucky x Sister!Reader w/ Steve)

A/N: Hey guys, this is my first fanfic uhhhh ever.. Please be nice. This is super deep, but then it gets really fluffy and sweet. I’m sorry if the change between the two is super drastic. I’m learning. It’d mean a lot if I could get some constructive criticism in the comments or whatever. Thanks guys :)

!!!!!Trigger Warning!!!!! Mentions of self harm, contemplated suicide.

Summary: The reader is struggling with mental health, and her older brother reminds her that she doesn’t have to go through it alone and reminds her that he’ll always be there.

Word Count: 2,428

You were slipping. And you could tell. The tell tale signs came creeping back unexpectedly and hit you like a freight train. You either slept too much or too little, ate extreme amounts to drown out your pain or never ate because you were scared you’d gain weight, you hardly left your room, and rarely talked. You were almost too far gone. Everyone was concerned, but they had no clue what was happening. Especially your brother, Bucky. God, he just wanted to make sure you were okay. He just wanted his baby sister back.

You had finally decided to drag yourself out of bed, glancing over at the clock. It was 3:26 in the afternoon. You groaned as you got up, and slowly walked to your bathroom. Today was the day, you thought. You took a shower and felt that burning sensation on your hips and thighs you knew all too well. They weren’t fresh, but they were new enough that they still hurt. Everyone was slowly catching on. And that’s when you decided to stop. Grimacing, you lightly washed over them. You hopped out of the shower and almost tripped from fright as you heard a knock on the bathroom door.

“Y/N? Are you up?” You heard Steve say. Steve had always checked on you the most out of everyone, besides Bucky. You guys had shared a special bond since you were little. You always went to him with all of your problems.

You slipped on your clothes carefully, but not before carefully patting your cuts with peroxide and wrapping them up. “Yes Steve, I’m in the bathroom.” You walked out, dreading the interaction. Please go away, you thought. He was leaning against your door frame.

“You okay, kiddo?” No, you weren’t. But you didn’t have to deal with that much longer. You nodded and gave a clearly forced smile, but it was enough to convince him for the time being. “Well we had breakfast, but it’s a little late for that now. Come on down for lunch, it’s Tony’s turn to cook. You absolutely adored Tony’s cooking, but if you ate right now you’d throw up. You were gonna miss it.

“I’m not really hungry, I might just go walk.” Right. A walk. 

“You at least have to come talk to everyone before you go, Y/N. I’d prefer you eat, but I can’t force you to.” You internally groaned, but obliged. That was a delay in your plan. Truth was, you really wanted to see everyone. Honestly, you did. You wanted to talk to everyone and laugh and have fun, but the depression had a harmful grip on you and you just couldn’t bring yourself to it. You wanted to tell everyone everything, to the cuts and your thoughts and feelings. But you were absolutely terrified that they’d find it immature and unreasonable, and just flat out stupid.  

You and Steve walked down the long hallways and eventually into the living room. Everyone smiled when they saw you. This was the first time you had seen everyone in the same room for while.. Probably a few weeks. Maybe even months. Mostly everyone had been off on missions, taking turns staying home. It made you happy that you’d see all of them one last time.

 You had almost forgotten that your brother had gotten home from a week long mission with Sam and Nat this morning. You had felt like an awful sister. Bucky got up and walked over to you, engulfing you in a hug and picking you up. 

“Hey doll, how you been? Don’t tell me you forgot about me.” He asked with a wink, carefully placing you back down. Honestly, you had felt awful. Drained. Broken. Suicidal.

“I’m okay Buck, how was the mission-”

“It was the most epic one yet. So what happened was-..” Sam cut in, walking over to you guys. Sam started telling everyone in a very long detailed story how the mission went, probably lasting around an hour and a half. The story also consisted of Bucky and Nat explaining parts of the story how they actually went. You glanced down at your phone in the midst of the social chaos. 5:13. Enough time to slip out and be alone. I can finally go on my walk, you thought to yourself. 

“I’m going on a walk guys.” You said, mainly aiming it at your brother. They all nodded, giving you the okay.

You went around giving good long hugs. One to Bruce. One to Nat. One to Tony. One to Clint. One to Wanda. One to Vision. One to Thor, you had always loved his hugs. One to Sam, with a squeeze. And then it came down to your boys. Bucky and Steve. Your worlds. You hugged them both, a good long squeeze. As you walked away, a tear slipped down your face. Here we go.

You had walked towards the bridge closest to the tower. You had forgotten in was winter with all the thoughts you had going through your head. You were freezing, and it was already dark. It wasn’t a very busy bridge, believe it or not, so you didn’t have to worry about anyone stopping you. You slowly climbed up and sat on the edge. Will it really be worth it? Is there anything after this? An afterlife? Is anyone going to look for me? I’ve been gone a while. You glanced down at your phone. 8:51. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave behind the people I love. Will they even care? Y/N, you know they’ll care. They’ll be devastated. But I just want the pain to stop. Please. How do I make it stop?

You started shaking, completely lost in your thoughts. You did the only thing you thought you could do. You took out your phone and dialed a number.

“Y/N?! Where the hell have you been? You’ve been gone almost 4 hours! I swear to God-”

“Bucky?” That’s all it took. Saying your brother’s name, the slightest voice crack. You broke down, letting out all your pent up emotions. “I’m a-a-at the b-b-bridge. H-help me. I-I-I can’t d-do this.” And with that, you heard the line drop. You sat down on the sidewalk on the bridge. You put your head in your hands and tried to calm yourself down. You rocked and rocked, trying to ground yourself from this attack. Minutes seemed like hours and you felt someone put their hand on your shoulder. You slowly looked up, “Bucky.” You stood up and embraced him, letting the tears stream down. 

“I got you doll. I’m here.” He picked you up and carried you with ease back to the tower. He walked through the living room, gaining concerned looks. You hid your face in the crook of his neck from embarrassment as he brought you to your room, where Steve was already waiting. He sat you down on the bed, tears still flowing. You just couldn’t stop it. You felt like a coward.

“Tell us everything.” And that’s exactly what you did. From start to finish. You explained when it started, your daily thoughts, your plan for the bridge. You showed them the cuts and where you hid the blades. “Why didn’t you tell us?” 

“I felt helpless. I felt immature and stupid. I was scared you guy would just brush it off or make jokes. Or tell me I was being unreasonable. I have no reason to be feeling this way. I know I don’t. And that’s what makes all of this so much worse. I have a near perfect life, with an actually perfect family. But these thoughts just consume me and I can’t stop it. It physically hurts. My chest, my stomach, my head. I feel weak.”

“Y/N, you are one of the strongest people I know. And that’s saying a lot considering who we live with.” Steve said with a half-hearted laugh, managing to get a pathetic chuckle out of you too. “We’re going to beat this, and you don’t have to go through it alone. You will have constant love and support through all of this.” You realized that Bucky hadn’t said anything this whole time, so you turned to look at him. He had a distant look in his eyes. 

You turned around to look at Steve, only to find him looking at Bucky too. “Can we have a minute?”

“Of course.” And with that, he walked out. You and Bucky sat in silence for a few moments.

“Buck-”

“I should’ve known. I should've known that my baby sister wasn’t okay. That she was suicidal.” This was the first time you had seen him cry in years. It broke you inside. He wasn’t the type of person to cry unless he was absolutely devastated.

“Bucky, no one knew. It’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself.” You pulled yourself into his lap and he wrapped his arms around you, so tight that you felt like he was never going to let go. “This isn’t anyone’s fault, Buck. You know that, right?” He slowly turned his gaze towards you and nodded. He was rubbing your back, attempting to comfort you. But also comforting himself, thinking about how if you didn’t call him.. You might not be sitting right there in his arms. As he was rubbing your back, his hand grazed your side. You flinched with a giggle, and hid your face in his chest. That gave him an idea to cheer you (and himself) up. “Hey Y/N, do you remember how Steve and I cheered you up when you were little?”

The gears started turning in your head. Oh no. You tried to pull out of his lap, obviously not succeeding. He held you tighter against him, and began to spider his fingers up and down your sides. “Buhuhuhuck.” Your shirt began to ride up, and the cold sensation of his metal arm just made it that much worse. 

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” You couldn’t stand to be teased, and boy did he know it. He flipped you over onto your bed and straddled your waist, pinning down your forearms with his knees. There was no chance you were getting away. “Now let’s find that smile of yours, shall we? It’s been so long.”

“Ihihihihi dohohon’t wannahaha smihihihile Bucky-YEEE! STAHAHAP!” His hands flew to your sides as you let out a loud squeal. While his torturing digits moved up and down your sides, you arched your back. He smiled as you squirmed around.

 “But Y/N, I’m just getting started! I can’t quit now!” He slowly moved up your sides to your ribs. He got down super close to your abdomen, after pulling your shirt up. “Gasp! Y/N! I think you’re missing some ribs! I better count them to make sure. Alright one, two, three-Y/N!” You thrashed around under his touch, letting out hysterical laughter. “You made me lose count! Looks like I have to start over. One, two- Y/N!” You were blushing so hard, along with scrunching your nose. One of your signature looks while laughing was your nose scrunch, and everyone adored it. Bucky never managed to forget to tell you how cute it was every time he saw it.

“Awh, look at the baby. You’re adorable! I forgot how ticklish you were, maybe I should do it more often.” He cooed, making stupid faces one would make at an actual baby. He stuck his tongue out at you.

“Fuhuhuhuhuck ohohohohoff.” You attempted to sound intimidating, but you failed miserably.

“Watch your language! Just for that I’m gonna-” He left the sentence hanging as he dug straight into your armpits. He was not a light tickler, and both you and Steve knew it.

“BUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUCKYYYYYY! PLEHEHEHEHEHEASE!” You tried pulling your arms down, but to no avail as you were stuck under the super soldier’s knees. Your face was turning red, but Bucky had no clue what the word mercy meant.

“Wow! That was a plea if I ever heard one. Hold on Y/N, I’m almost done.” While keeping you pinned, he bent down and pulled your shirt up. You knew what he was about to do. 

“Buck, no. No no no nohohoho.” Your laughter picked up as he got closer to your stomach. “Bucky please- ACK NOHOHOHOHOHOHOOO BUHUHUHUCKYY STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAP! I CAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAN’T BREHEHEHEHEHEATHE!” Your laughter went silent. He blew a few raspberries and dug into your hips at the same time. Your laughter could be heard throughout the whole tower. He finally let you go and you curled up into a ball with residual giggles, only after you slid off your bed from how weak you were. He went to pick you up and put you on the bed, but you only flinched away from him. 

“C’mon Y/N, I’m not gonna do it again.” You hesitated, but eventually let him pick you up and lay you on your bed. He covered you up with the blanket and leaned down to kiss your forehead. He sat beside your legs and stroked your hair lovingly, “We can talk about everything in the morning again. But for now I need you to rest, okay?” You nodded. He stood up and walked towards the door, turning your light off.

“Buck?” He turned around, the only light to be able to see you came from the hallway and shined delicately on your face. He hummed in response, “Can you sleep with me tonight?” He walked over to your bed, shutting the door behind him. He pulled the blanket up, got under the covers, and pulled you into his side. You cuddled into him without hesitation.

“Thank you. I needed that. I may not be completely fine right now, or even anytime soon. But I’m glad I have you. And everyone else here. To help me realize I’m not going through this alone. I love you.” He nodded and kissed your forehead again. 

“I love you too.”

He needed it too. He needed to see you laugh. He needed to make sure his baby sister was okay, and for the time being you were. And he was going to make sure that you were going to be okay, because that was his job as your older brother. He was your protector, and your best friend, and he promised himself that nothing was ever going to hurt you again. Ever.

And if the rest of the Avengers walked in looking for you and Bucky, and were met with you and your brother sleeping peacefully, they wouldn’t say anything.. Because they all loved you just as much.

A Ballad for the Heart

i. Prepare oh heart for again you shall fall. The fact that you are broken, you do not seem to recall. You do not remember the times when you were stitching your pieces together, risking to love again even though once you were shattered.

ii. Countless times you offered yourself but you were rejected, heart oh heart, haven’t you learned your lesson yet? Why must you choose the path of unrequited love when you are worth something more than he can have?

iii. Haven’t you learned your lesson yet? Haven’t you cried enough tears of regret? Oh my lovely heart, rest and love yourself instead, you have so much to give so stop before you run out of breath.

iv. Pretty little heart you are strong so one day you will know where you belong. In the arms of someone who will handle you with care, soon you will have that touch of heaven only the two of you can share.

[repeat to let it sink]

There will always be someone who doesn’t agree with the way you are, who doesn’t accept you and want you to change. There will always be people to who you are not good enough. It’s hard, but don’t let those people change who you are. Don’t give them the power to change you. Don’t change just so they will like you, because when you change for them someone other people will have problems with it. It’s an endless circle unless you stop it. Unless you focus on who you want to be. Be yourself. It’s not your problem if they have a problem with you. It’s their loss. You are beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, special and valuable just the way you are. No matter what other people tell you.

might as well