We Stan Alfred

We Stan Alfred

The Birds, The Bees, And The Bats  -  Batfam x Reader

“Batsis comes home with a hickey and the boys trying to give her “the talk” but it’s really just cringe + they always ask for the name of the boy and when its over she goes to alfred and is like ‘one day i will tell them it’s a girl’ ”

YES YES YES YES YES! ANON YOU’RE A GENIUS THIS IS GOLD! Hope you enjoy!

Please ignore any typos and stuff this is part of my morning of shorts and headcanons!

“Y/N can you come over here real quick?” Tim was sitting with Dick on the couch in the foyer, he rarely beckoned you to his call. “Yes Master Timothy what can I do for you” you grinned trying your best Alfred accent. “Oh nothing.. OH WOW LOOK OVER THERE!” Tim shouted, your head whipping to try to look at whatever he was point at.

“FAMILY EMERGENCY Y/N HAS A FUCKING HICKEY” Tim screeched, your hand going to your neck, feeling the light bruises and mentally cursing yourself for forgetting about your love bites. You heard an almost war-like battle cry as Damian burst down the stairs, katana in hand “where is he” Dami hissed, eye’s slit, looking for the perpetrator. 

“Jeez you guys are so dramatic! Don’t pretend like you think dear y/n has never had sex before!” Dick cooed, Tim and Damian covering their ears cringing. “Can a girl live in peace in this house” you groaned, walking towards your room when a literal batarang stopped your path. “Are you hurt? Don’t move, just tell me the name” Damian had appeared right night to you, scanning you for bruises or anything that signifies a reason to beat someone up on your behalf. “Dami stop it but y/n come back here!” Dick motioned you back to the couch, waiting for you to sit down. 

“Damian go upstairs, Tim you should probably stay- Dami I mean it” Dick waited for a pissed off Damian to stomp upstairs before he started with his talk. “Now you both are at the age where- obviously, you’re feeling things for other peo-” Tim’s eyes widened “OH MY GOD DICK ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE US A SEX TALK” your face flushed, trying to will yourself to teleport to a different dimension. 

“Yeah, I am, and you’re gonna sit here and listen to it” Dick used his “don’t mess with me” voice, freezing you and Tim in place as he continued. “Now I won’t bore you with the details because as y/n has demonstrated there has already been some activities. But, I feel I need to remind you of the importance of contraception, I am not ready to be an uncle. Timothy please do not get anyone pregnant we don’t need another Jason scandal, y/n please be careful I don’t think Damian’s fragile brain could take it, now because I am the cool brother I always have condoms on me, here, please use them” Dick finished the talk by pulling out his. wallet, giving you and Tim each three condoms to your disgust and embarrassment. “Now run along kids!” Dick grinned, clearly proud of himself for correctly fathering his siblings.

Dick got up first, walking towards the BatCave as Tim leaned to you, half laughing half embarrassed. 

“Dude when should we tell him we’re both gay?” you laughed, but stopped at the sound of a teacup shattering. Alfred stood in the corner, his shock turning to excitement. “Master Tim and Miss Y/N this is news to me, come I must make cakes in celebration, tell me- what colors should they be?” 

✨ The light of Aideen ✨

Fripp, after getting told all that happened while he was unconscious:

Players: yes

Sso: Your MC is a girl and her horse is a brave stallion

Players: I have male MC with mare horse

Sso: I am a joke to you?

3 years of playing sso

from the beginning to now!

Raven when she first meet Jarhn: