Just Rewatched The Shrine And I Needed To See And Read All The Posts About That Episode Again, GOD DAMN.

Just rewatched The Shrine and I needed to see and read all the posts about that episode again, GOD DAMN. How often will this show hurt me again?? I wish I could watch it gif for gif, because I want to see every little detail, every expression and emotion. The love this team has for each other. Ronon being so emotional while yelling at Woolsey. John barely keeping it together in the cave. I only wish we could have seen more interactions between Rodney and Teyla (and Radek!). And more scenes with just the team. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I need. This episode could have been twice as long and it wouldn't be enough. It helps a lot to see how we all feel the same love for this show.

Season 5, Episode 6: The Shrine

I said I had to gather my thoughts before I would be able to write something coherent. I still don't know if I can do it justice. It's weird, but I hesitate to call The Shrine my favorite episode because it's so devastating. It's very shippy, it has phenomenal acting from everyone, the story is heartbreaking, it should be perfect - but it just hurts so much. If this is my favorite episode, what kind of masochist am I? (Don't answer that, that was rethorical.)

I'm placing this under a cut because this is gonna be long.

The cold open on this one is just brutal. Rodney is already pretty far gone, and he calls himself "Mr Rodney McKay" instead of Dr, because "doctors are smart, and he's not smart anymore". To know what's happening to you, to slowly lose your mental capabilities and to be able to still process what's happening, that's cruel. And then he's calling for John, and that's when I had to pause the video for the first time because the tears were already coming. The title sequence hadn't even started.

Fuck.

I lost my grandmother to Alzheimer's a couple years ago. She had a slow and steady decline and thankfully, it was one of those cases where she just forgot more and more, but without the mental anguish. She wasn't panicking, or aggressive, or even agitated. Just a smiling, sweet old lady, who in the end didn't remember how to sit or eat or breathe. When she died, I couldn't cry. I was too busy consoling my mother and aunt at the funeral. The first time I cried was when I rewatched The Shrine, years later. It just shook something loose in me. It's also the point where I decided that if I ever got diagnosed, and was still in a state to do something about it, I would end my life on my terms. I'm not putting anyone through that.

I remember Kate Hewlett saying in an interview that a lot of people on set where crying during those scenes because they had family members with dementia, and that she had to leave the room at one point because it hit close to home for her too.

At first I thought it was mean that everyone was like, "Yeah I realized something was wrong when Rodney was being nice to everyone", but then I thought, no, that's actually a good point. Because his friends were uncomfortable with alternate universe Rod (who was too suave and cool) and they're uncomfortable with a Rodney who is uncharacteristically nice. They love him as he is, not a polished version.

I know everyone is giving Dr Keller shit for not wanting to try the Shrine, but I really think it's because she's a doctor. I work with doctors, and almost weekly I have discussions about respecting a patient's advanced directive. I've had a doctor wanting to install a gastric tube in a patient who was at the end of their life. We had the advanced directive that CLEARLY stated they didn't want that. When I confronted the doctor, she was almost angry. "But they will starve! I can't let them starve!" Yes, you can, and you will, and you have to. The hardest thing for a medical doctor is to have to sit back and not be allowed to do something that might help the patient. I think that where she's coming from. There are treatments to be tried, and if Rodney is taken to the Shrine, all those other options stop. I still think she was wrong and I don't like her approach, but I think it's an explanation why she was acting the way she was.

And then we have Rodney running to John's room in the middle of the night because of course that is the first and only place he'd go. It hurt to watch him be so frantic and desperate. And John is right there for him, grounding him, telling him, I'm not going anywhere.

Beer On The Pier. Yes, you have to write it like that because this scene is a fixed point in time and a goddamn cornerstone of this ship.

Rodney, knowing this is probably the last night he'll be this lucid, wants to say goodbye. And John doesn't let him. Because Rodney's stuck with him until the end. He's not going to turn away, no matter how ugly it's going to get. The very thought of saying goodbye is so foreign to John that he doesn't even want to discuss it. "That's final."

(Also, just for aesthetics alone, the night shots of the city are beautiful.)

I'm trying to be a bit less rambly, but what can you do when you have this masterpiece of an episode?

In the cave, when Rodney is intense pain, John has his arm around him the whole time and doesn't let go until he is himself again.

I love how everyone is so caring and surrounds him with love.

And ugh, the surgery - with fucking power tools. Barbaric. But necessary. But man, to hold your friend's head in your hands, holding him still, while a literal drill is going into his skull? I'd have passed out.

The only tiny little thing that was a bit jarring was Rodney's confession to Jennifer at the end, and just because for me, it came a bit out of left field. But I am nothing if not good at ignoring things that I don't like, so I'll just refer to fanfics that fix this. No harm done.

And finally.

David Ian Hewlett.

Holy fuck, dude.

HOW are you not buried under a shitload of Emmys? How is there not a whole wing of your house dedicated to housing the tons of awards you should have gotten for this? (I know he did get quite a few, but I'm talking custom built shelves in at least four rooms. Minimum.)

Everyone brought their A game acting wise, but this guy knocked it out of the park. It was heartbreaking, moving, extremely believable, and just jaw-dropping. David is, in my opinion, one of the best, if not the best actor of the franchise, and I don't say that lightly. I have a massive crush on Joe Flanigan and he's great, same with Amanda Tapping, but David is just fantastic.

So yeah. There you have it. My very concise, totally normal opinion of this episode. I doubt anyone reads all of this, but hey, this is my tumblr and I do what I want.

If you did indeed sit through all of this, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to tag or reply or add stuff.

This explains it all. My heart weeps and laughs. Could not have said it better. Everything is true.

Happy 19th Birthday, Stargate Atlantis!

On July 16th, 2004, the pilot aired. Here's a handy little primer for anyone who doesn't know what the heckity heck this show is about. Everything is totally accurate, 100% true and very, very serious.

So.

This is the lost city of the Ancients, Atlantis, in the Pegasus galaxy, about 3 million light years from Earth. (The Ancients can go fuck themselves. Long story.) Atlantis is a city/spaceship approximately the size of Manhattan. She's semi-sentient, but not really, except actually yes, maybe, sometimes, totally. The whole city can go underwater or into hyperspace. Loves her humans. Home. Declaration of independence imminent.

The Atlantis expedition consists of civilians and military from at least 34 countries (in later seasons, the original expedition was just over a dozen). In no particular order:

Dr. Elizabeth Weir. The first leader of the expedition. The only adult. Sometimes. Okay, not very often. Is not above a little war crime for the good of the galaxy—or at least, for the good of Atlantis. Left a boyfriend and a dog on Earth, but we all miss the dog more than the boyfriend. Eats UN representatives for breakfast. Is terribly awkward on dates and really good at solitaire. Loves her chaos children. Which are:

Lt. Colonel Suicide Mission John Sheppard. Walked through the Gate and Atlantis said, "dibs". Thinks people who don't want to fly are crazy. Not good with emotional stuff. (He's getting better.) Loves his found space family and would die for them, often literally. Stop that. Also loves Ferris wheels, things that go fast, and Rodney McKay. And no, we don't know how he gets his hair to go like that.

Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay. Four degrees, two of which are PhDs, none of which are in social skills. Smartest man in two galaxies. Used to be an asshole, but got himself some friends who loved him such a stupid amount that he had no choice but to change. Still a work in progress. We love to see it. Blew up three quarters five sixths of a solar system. (It was uninhabited.) (Mostly.) Deathly allergic to citrus. Loves fully charged ZPMs, arguing with Dr. Zelenka, MREs, and John Sheppard.

Lieutenant Aiden Ford. Went ass first through the Gate with a grin and a whoop on his very first trip. One of the youngest members of the expedition. Is not allowed to name anything, ever. Mild case of hero worship when it comes to his commanding officer, which is totally understandable. A cautionary tale of how addiction messes up not only you, but the people around you.

Ronon Dex. Used to be hunted by the Wraith, lost his people in a terrible war, and is now a member of Sheppard's team where he gets to shoot things and beat up bad guys. Doesn't talk much, but when he does, he has something to say. Good friend. Excellent hugs, but have Carson check you out for any cracked ribs after. Is one bottle of Athosian wine away from staging an intervention regarding the Sheppard/McKay situation.

Teyla Emmagan. In possession of the team's one brain cell. Leader of the Athosian people. Will rock a baby to sleep and then go outside where a Wraith is dangling from the highest tower of the city and stomp on his hands until he falls 800 feet. Can either beat you up in the gym or force you to meditate on your problem, your choice. Has the aforementioned bottle of wine ready and loaded.

Dr. Radek Zelenka. Keeps the science team sane because Rodney sure as hell doesn't. Loves pigeons, cursing in Czech, and overseeing the thriving black market underground economy that has developed in the city. (Thanks @shaddyr for that lovely headcanon). Zachránil všechny naše zadky víc než jednou.

Chuck the Technician. Aggressively Canadian. Doesn't have a last name, doesn't need one. Is ALWAYS in the control room, seriously man, when do you sleep? Reads trashy sci fi novels on night shifts and organized a betting pool in 5 different currencies when Ronon was fighting Teal'c. Needs to share his eyelash routine because we're jealous.

Dr. Carson Beckett. The most Scottish Scot to ever Scot. Brilliant medical doctor who is not above the occasional unethical unorthodox treatment method. Sweet cinnamon roll of a man. Beloved by all. Loves his mom and wee baby turtles. Someone should take him fishing soon. 🥹

Colonel Samantha Carter. Member of SG-1. Legend. Awesome. Boss. Absolute BAMF. Punched a Goa'uld system lord in the face once. We all have a crush on her.

Dr. Jennifer Keller. Is very doctor-y, for better and for worse. Was all of us when she freaked out being on an alien planet for the first time, like a normal person would. Should totally have gone on a date with Captain Vega in that one deleted scene. [WE COULD HAVE HAD IT AAAAALL]

Jeannie Miller. Rodney's sister. Gave up a career in science to be a mom. Solved Rodney's math problem in her spare time, with finger paints. Loves her brother even when he's being an idiot. Fanfic canon says: her house is always open for him and certain Air Force Colonels to crash in. Don't you dare get a hotel room. Yes, the guest room has Only One Bed, Mer, what's your point?

Major Evan Lorne. If you are a moron and get yourself captured and imprisoned off world, he will swing by real quick with a couple Marines and bust you out. Co-parents Atlantis with Dr. Weir. Is actually a really talented painter. Needs a raise, a holiday, and a drink.

Colonel Steven Caldwell. Grumpy. Has to deal with Elizabeth's chaos children on a regular basis. Will make the enemy ship go away with a big boom and save your sorry ass in space. AGAIN.

Richard Woolsey. Used to be a New York City lawyer, one of the most ruthless creatures in the universe. His wife got the Yorkie in the divorce. Broke his heart. Is actually pretty cool if you let him do his thing (like get you out of an intergalactic war crimes trial by bribing the judges).

I know some characters and all the villains are missing, but this post is already longer than a trip on the Daedalus, so there you have it.

Stargate Atlantis. A show about wormholes, life-sucking aliens, ancient civilisations, space battles—and family, friendship, allowing yourself to love and be loved, and what it means to be home.

Happy birthday, fam.

✨ mcshep fic recs 💙💖💜

because there were a couple of people who did say YES when i did the interest check 👀

in no particular order! well no that's a lie cause i ended up sorting by word count ksksksk HAVE FUN READING, DONT FORGET TO LEAVE SOME LOVE/COMMENT ON THE FICS

💙💖💜

under 5k

Pride by respoftw, 2k, PG, au, love the characterization

Sweet dreams are made of this (Everybody's looking for something) by SquaresAreNotCircles, 2.5k, PG13, 😭

Redacted by LogicGunn, 3.5k, PG13, technically pre-slash but wonderfully done

It Ain't Hard To Tell by noyeahtotally, 4k, NC17, i LIVE for this characterization and the voices!!!!!!!!!!

Helter Skelter by mific, 4.5k, PG13, !!!! JOHN SPACE BABE SHEPPARD!!!!!!!!!!!

✨

5 to 10k

The Husband Files by halestrom, 6k, PG13, ahhhh YES yes yes!!!!

Best Laid Plans by noyeahtotally, 6k, PG13, !!!!

Sentinel Voodoo by melagan, 6k, Mature, sentinel au!

Dangerous Thing by RosiePaw, 9k, PG13, ohhhHHHH oh yes

Touch and the Inner Hominid by RosiePaw, 9k, Mature, forced proximity OR IS IT

✨

10 to 20k

Proximity by respoftw, 10.5k, PG13, forced proximity!!! one of my faves hat i haven't found quite enough of in this fandom

John Discovers Fire by RosiePaw, 10.5k, Mature, an off world accident strips Rodney of his smarts OR DOES IT

Trust Issues by halestrom, 11k, NC17, OH HO HOOOO morally grey John, loved it

The Captive by mific, 11k, NC17, OH MAN this is-- SO GOOD

The New Math by Corinna, 12k, NC17, Atlantis the matchmaker

MVP by Speranza, 12k, NC17, a classic!!!!

Ride Into The Sun by Cesare, 14k, NC17, !!!!this is everythingggg

In the Shadow of the Hawk by WonkyElk, 15k, PG13, a really interesting au!

Happiness is a Warm Gun by Luna (lunasky), 16k, NC17, SO SURREAL so well done!!

Failsafes by Luna (lunasky), 16k, PG13, !!!!!!!!!!!!! so very well crafted

And All The Rest by LogicGunn, 17k, Mature, McKay is turned into a woman, chaos does not ensue but EYES are opened

Where the Brave Dare Not Go by Telesilla, 18k, NC17, werecreatures AU

Heart of glass by torch, 19.5k, NC17, love the character voices and love the story idea

Grow Old Without You by respoftw, 20k, PG13, John doesn't get returned to the proper age by the Wraith..... lovely!!

✨

20 to 30k

Sheppard's Pie by auburn, 20.5k, PG13, EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS

No Light and Transient Cause by sheafrotherdon, 20.5k, Mature, my bookmark comment: "Excellent story and characterizations, LOVE LOVE LOVE this"

About a lamp by torch, 22k, NC17, !!! AND A LAMP!!!!

Theory of Everything by Rheanna, 22k, NC17, AHHHHHHHH

The Difference Engine by copperbadge, 22k, Mature, YESSSSSS wonderful

Chosen One by Mira, 27k, PG, oooHHHH ohhh very interesting sory idea!

✨

30 to 50k

Good Guys Don't Always Wear White by pertifity (nel_ani), 30k, NC17, XMEN AU!!!!!!!! extremely well done one at that. sort of an open ending but done in a satisfying way if that makes sense??

The Hard Prayer by Rheanna, 30k, mature, apocalypse au!!!!

Doc Mack by mific, 31k, NC17, no stargate au, great character voices!

O I Think We Should Be Brethren by spurious, 32k, NC17, my comment on page 2, really well done John voice!!

OK Computer by Speranza, 35k, NC17, a classic!

The machinery of heaven by torch, 42k, NC17, this felt like a double episode of the show itself, absolutly wonderfully done, loved it to bits

Nice Place to Visit by sabinelagrande, 43k, NC17, sort of a BDSM au OR IS IT!!!! lovely lovely writing and character voices

✨

50k or more

Mother Country by Chandri, 59k, PG13, my bookmark comment: "Masterfully done multiple POVs, joy to read"

Catalysis by Chandri, 59k, Mature, ohhhh yes, very well done!

Save Me by Brumeier, 63k, PG13, AU, who's interested in my UNHINGED comment go to page 5 of comments lmao, loved the character voices, loved the mysteries, loved it all!

Inukshuk by murron, 81k, Mature, my bookmark comment: "The worldbuilding! The character voices!!!!"

Indelible by shaenie, 128k, NC17, incredible and deserves all the hits it has and more, feels like at least 300 of them are mine lmao. Warning: will suck you in and not let go. The John POV is CHEFS KISS

✨

re-reads (or, the 'old' classics):

Freeze by Bead, 2.5k, PG13, !!!!

Caught by Punk, 3.5k, PG13, IM NOT CRYING YOU ARE

Catch-19 by chellefic, 9k, Mature

With Intent by shaenie, 13k, NC17

Funny Little Secret by crysothemis, 16.5k, nc17, UNHINGED RODNEY

Gravel Road by candle_beck, 20k, nc17

Rules of Engagement by velocitygrass, 22k, NC17, AHHH

Rewind, Reboot, Restore by Rheanna, 23k, PG

Instantaneous by cimorene, 27k, Mature, AHHHH yas

And Glory Has No End; or, Clementine by kariye, 27k, NC17, my personal classic i would die for you

The Suite Life by CartWrite, 28k, NC17, !!!the fluffiest

You & Me & The Pegasus Galaxy by CartWrite, 29k, NC17, !!!!!Unhinged John

A Beautiful Lifetime Event by astolat, 29k, NC17, !!!

Happy by crysothemis, 35k, NC17, amnesia!

Should've Been My Girlfriend by crysothemis, 36k, NC17, UNHINGED JOHN (all of those unhinged comments are compliments fyi)

Zen and the Art of Jumper Maintenance by Indybaggins, 40k, Mature, AHHH

In the Silent Water by tigerpen (shetiger), 40k, NC17, YES

Transcendental by astolat, 45k, NC17, !!!!! John and Rodney, unhinged

(due to tumblr llimitations i had to remove some of the direct to author links but you can always acess their profiles via the fic)

ALL my other recs can be found on my blog here or in the pinned post

Just looking at this makes me bawl with him 😭

John Sheppard trying not to cry during The Shrine.

Sometimes the RPF writes itself.