Sometimes I Dont Think Im Prepared For This Life.

Sometimes I don’t think I’m prepared for this life.

It’s been a tough few years, dear world. I’ve been depressed for awhile now. I’ve been stuck in a dead end retail job that I hate for years. I could never seem to find a way out of it. Now the business is closing and I’m forced to find a new job. I can’t seem to get a non-retail job. I feel ready to move on, but no one wants to even look at me. I went to college and have a degree in English. I just feel like I’ve wasted so many opportunities that I don’t know what to do anymore. 

I feel like I just wasn’t meant for this life. I think I would have done well as a wife in the 1800′s - looking over the household, minding the children. Even if it had been a marriage arranged by my family, I think I could have found a way to be happy. I would have been alright. I could have been a cook or housemaid in a large manor house in the early 1900′s. I could have been a kindly spinster aunt - but probably would have ended up like Miss Bates in Emma. I could have been a baker’s wife in the 1500′s or the wife of a knight in the 1400′s. 

I don’t know. I just feel like I don’t fit in anywhere and I can’t do anything right. I can’t even find a decent job. In interviews I sound nervous and awkward and stammery. 

I wish I could be brave and follow my real dream - to be a writer. If I couldn’t write, I wish I could paint or sculpt or carve - show creativity in some visual way. I like to cook, but don’t have the experience to succeed anywhere. 

This is all a very frightening time for me. I’ve never been good with change. .New things scare the crap out of me until I get used to them. I just wish I had someone to talk to about all of this. My family doesn’t discuss things like personal thoughts and fears. I don’t have any friends that I’m really close to anymore. What’s a girl to do when her main ambition is to read, watch a good film, listen to music and take a long walk. I don’t want to rule the world - just live in a little piece of it that’s meant for me.  

Black Narcissus (1947) starring Deborah Kerr, Flora Robson, Jean Simmons, David Farrar and Sabu. A group of nuns are sent to open a convent and school in the Himalayas. Things quickly unravel. Directed by Michael Powell (who also directed The Red Shoes). Jack Cardiff won an Oscar for the excellent cinematography. 

Just a quick hello.

First time post. Just a quick wave to the universe. I’m a big fan of classic films, classic rock, classic TV, Doctor Who, all things British. Am a huge reader - mysteries are my true love - but add a romance and I’m lost. My current obsession is A Discovery of Witches by Deb Harkness - it has it all - suspense, mystery, fantasy, romance. I’ve read all the books and binged the first season of the show so many times. 

Anyway, I’m still new to this universe, but hopefully I can post my thoughts and dreams without fear. I’d like to watch them fly to the stars and see how how they can soar. 

He’s just lovely. 

Matthew Goode in Downton Abbey (2010-2015). 

 The Black Hole (1979)

This is a weird and strange sci-fi/horror movie that scared me as a kid. I watched it again to see if a Disney movie could be a horror film. It’s not as terrifying to me now, but waaaaay creepy. If you’re trying to make your own Star Wars, best not to feature scary music, part human-part robot people, or Maximilian Schell in crazed maniac-mode. Also, best not to have one of the creepiest robots of all time (I’m looking at you Maximilian) next to one of the cutest (Vincent is freaking adorable!). 

Robert Forster and his crew (including Yvette Mimieux, Ernest Borgnine, Anthony Perkins and Joseph Bottoms) get pulled off track by a black hole. When they try to scan the area, they come across Schell’s ship that just seems to be hanging around outside of it. Turns out it’s a lost American probe ship that’s been missing for 20 years and also had Yvette’s father as crew member. Against Forster’s instincts, they go take a look.

It’s not long before the crew is introduced to Schell’s creepy robot army of sentinels and black robed worker bees. They also meet his giant, evil robot servant (master?), Maximilan, that controls all the robots. Schell’s goal is to travel through the black hole and discover what’s inside of it. Unfortunately, it’s made him insane. Forster just wants to repair his ship and get the heck out of there. Too bad Schell’s not quite ready to let non-believers go so easily. 

Soon we get extended laser gun fights as Forster and crew try to escape. Perkins (actually playing a normal smart doctor) wants to stay and work with Schell - that is until he realizes that the black-robed worker robots are the former crew members that weren’t hip to Schell’s plan to take over the universe. When he tries to get out, Maximilian kills him. 

Eventually, Forster and crew escape (after Borgnine turns coward and tries to escape without the others, resulting in their ship being destroyed), leaving Schell to go through the black hole alone. Too bad a really weird asteroid shower (why are the asteroids glowing red? Why isn’t everyone killed immediately when the hull is breached?) destroys what’s left of the ship. 

Forster and crew and also pulled into the black hole, but after a truly trippy adventure, they manage to get through alright. Meanwhile, Schell manages to meld with Maximilian and become a real humanoid/robot as they seem to be left to rule Hell (?) in the middle of the black hole. 

This is such a weird, strange movie, that really is not intended for kids. The cute robot, Vincent (voiced by Roddy McDowall) does help save things. I’m sure he’s based on R2D2 from Star Wars, but he’s great in his own right. Plus, Mimieux can mentally chat with him! He makes a friend in a similar robot, named Bob (voiced by Slim Pickens) that was badly mistreated by Maximilian and the other robots. When Bob sacrifices himself to save the others, it just made me want to cry. 

After watching this movie years after being traumatized as a kid, it’s really not as scary as I thought. It’s still hella creepy and strange. Apparently, Disney tried to license some toys, but I imagine that didn’t go very far at all. Great to see Robert Forster playing a heroic captain (such a great actor and he will be missed) and Roddy McDowall saves the day as the voice of Vincent. I almost wish we could get spin-off Vincent adventures. Are you listening, Disney +?! 

What a great film!

Boy, I got vision and the rest of the world wears bifocals.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) dir. George Roy Hill