Sometimes Im Like Ancient Greek Plays Are So Old, How Am I Going To Relate To The Characters? But Then

Sometimes I’m like “ancient greek plays are so old, how am i going to relate to the characters?” but then 

Shows don’t work - they don’t allow me to focus my mind enough from the fragmented panic-state. Plus, it’s harder to maintain the illusion that I’m only going to take 10 minutes, really. Books are too anxiety-inducing. Fanfiction’s the only media that works (though sometimes audiobooks and Jon Stewart are ok). 

Case in point: found this post when going to @fabula-unica‘s tumblr for some quality panic calming before the home stretch of a research project. :)

Do any of you have an anxiety show that you watch when you’re having a panic attack cause it just automatically calms you down

Mines bobs burgers

I think I just need to accept that I totally don’t have the capacity to get angry at canon, which is probably pretty fannishly aberrant. Like, yes, I’ve seen the Kingsman 2 spoilers and am still psyched for the film, and yeah, I’m still just hanging out over here reading all the Hartwin. Like, bring me all the stuff. It’s cool.

(I was like this with Glee too and probably all my other fandoms. I WILL EVEN DEFEND SEASON 3 OF HOUSE OF CARDS TO YOU). Canon’s a junk drawer for me, not a service. I’ll find a weird use for that bolt that doesn’t seem to fit anything eventually).

That reminds me. Junior year of high school, we were reading Le Petit Prince in French class, and on the day we were supposed to discuss the ending, my grandmother (who was very sick) had just decided to stop taking sustenance from a feeding tube--meaning she was going to die in a matter of days, and by her own choosing (albeit from a very limited set of crappy options). I was behind, so I speed-read the ending of Le Petit Prince during class. It did not go well. I got to That Part, and it surprised the hell out of me, and I burst into tears (while the teacher was talking about something completely different, too, b/c I was reading under my desk). 

So I ran outside into the hallway and sat down on the tiles to sob all by myself. Then my favorite English teacher came by. She knew me pretty well - a couple of other kids and I hung out in her classroom during lunches and talked about homoerotic interpretations of American lit (as you do) - and even though she was pretty no-nonsense, I thought she might offer some compassion. 

So, she was like “what’s going on?” and I choked out something like “we were reading The Little Prince...and...and...” 

She nodded sagely and said “it’s the literature.” Kind of like ‘ah yes, we’ve all been there.’ And just walked on by.

I mean, that was pretty bad-ass. I felt a little resentful that she didn’t stay to figure out what was really going on, but now I can appreciate that her reaction to seeing someone sitting in a corridor crying over a book was that this was a perfectly reasonable and ordinary occurrence & no other explanation needed. That’s a good English teacher right there. 

SO I FINISHED UNSPOKEN TODAY

SO I’m basically dead

the whole I love you  and link cutting part… i just could not.

I COULD NOT

I read it in the few minutes I have in the band hall before class. Here’s how it went:

Me: *is standing and reading Unspoken* *reads aforementioned part*

Me: *actually screams* 

Band Kids: *look at me like I’m the crazy one (keep in mind these are BAND KIDS)*

Me: *curls up into a ball, clutching book to chest, falls on side*

Callie: Heyyyyy…are you okay?

Me: *is actually sobbing curled up in a ball on ground* YES!

Callie: *stares*

Me: NO!

Callie: *drags me to my feet and wrenches book out of hands*

Me: *hisses and grabs book back* *is still crying* *keeps reading anyways*

and my band director… the looks he gave me… and my section leader… and everyone really…

I was in physical, mental, and emotional pain after that book. I mean that wholeheartedly. My chest physically hurt. And my mind felt like I was having Jared or Kami’s mind removed from it. And my emotions…

okay. yup.

@sarahreesbrennan :

this is how you make me feel

That moment

when "Oh What A Night" comes on in the grocery store and you were doing ok but now you just want to weep in the aisles because Sherlock and his sweeping coat