Random Thoughts #1

Random Thoughts #1

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me now?

Do you hear me when I daydreamingly talk to you? When I tell you random stories about me, or some of the weirdest thoughts that comes out of my head?

Do you feel me?

When I think about you, is there a huge thump? A skip of your beautiful heartbeat? Or even a jolt of electricity?

Do you dream about me?

As you are to me. I don't remember anything. But when I wake up, I just know that you have been part of that deep and utterly satisfying sleep.

If only I can be. 

Be there. 

Where you are.

Beside you.

Paranoia of a Helpless Human

I attracted to a boy. Let's name him Chris. He's kind of a friend. We go out, have plans, eat meals together... same things that he does to all of our other people. But as for me, it was always special.

Chris likes taking pictures. He always takes pictures of us. It's always nice to think that he has a photo of you somewhere. One time (pre-attraction years, sigh.) he was taking a picture of me when we were eating. I was in no mood of smiling for the camera, so he asked "why won't you smile for me?"

If only the present me could answer, I can't smile for you because you're taking my heart away... little by little, and I can't do anything about it.

---

I mean, I don't even know how I got here. Thinking about him all day. I feel so unfortunate to be infatuated to a guy that has zero interest of having me.

Everyday, I long to be with him.

To talk to him - about anything. But mostly about movies, books, music, or that model that he was crushing on who just had a baby and how he's more attractive to that model's fiance.  

Sing at random times with him - I have the tendency to sing randomly, and most of the time, whenever he's around, he'll also be singing the same song in his falsetto voice.

Laugh at his mindless jokes - or to just put on a straight face whenever it's not funny, and I just receive an apologetic smile.

---

One weekend, we had a trip. Usually he drives for us, but this time we don't fit in his car, so I suggested that we just commute so that he could also have a little break.

During at one of our commute, I kind of seen him enter his phone password which were number combinations. I didn't mind after to what he was looking at.

After a lot of walking and eating, we stopped at one cafe to get dessert. Randomly, I saw another friend of ours (a girl, btw) enter her phone password as well. What I saw has started a petty paranoia that came over me for days. They had the same password combination.

For me, that said a lot.

x

I always thought that Chris had a thing for our other friends. He had a time when he was close to one, always talking to her, laughing. And then there is this mutual-friend-who-has-the-same-password-as-he-does.

I had thoughts of her having the same feelings towards Chris. We talk a lot. He was talked about here and there. And most of the time, I get really ticked off since she seems to like him as well. We had one time that we argued if Chris has a girlfriend. I know, I'm a bad friend for not asking her straight forward. But fear always conquered me. I don't even have the guts to tell anyone about this attraction! (Well, except for my cousin, whom I have always trusted regarding my secret crushes for the past years.)  

She doesn't really admit anything is happening between them. I'm in the middle of convincing myself if she will open up to me about it like she does at other points in her life or they're just hiding it... from all of us.

I KNOW. I'M PARANOID. AND I HATE IT. HOW COULD THEY EVEN HIDE IT FROM EVERYONE. THEY PROBABLY WOULD'VE SAID IT TO SOME. AND THOSE "SOME" WOULD PROBABLY TELL ME! BECAUSE THEY KNOW I CAN KEEP SECRETS.

No proof of them being together, yes.

But I do know that they talk to each other a lot. Maybe they're just getting started. They have a lot more similarities. She is a talker - I mean, I am too. But I fold like a wimp whenever I realize that I like that person- I become mute. She's a lot smarter than me. More posh. More collected. More feminine. Basically, better than me.

And of course, being paranoid, I always assume that whenever we're not in the same place... the two of them are. Watching movies. Going to events. Having the time of their lives.

And I'm just here, trying to save myself from drowning. Wishing I was just paranoid. Wishing it's me who he likes all along. Wishing he was just shy to admit it. Wishing I could just forget.

I wish.

2017-5

today I was put into a zone. oh, what a sad zone it is.

2017-2.

So many feels. fudge this. fudge that. fudge everywhere.

2017-8

I wish I could be the one... ... to hold you to make you laugh to make you share your deepest secrets to know all your plans to lend my weak shoulders just for you to cry on to give you strength whenever you're down to care for you to eventually love you. But it's not gonna happen, is it?

15:57

if today was a fail, remember to breathe. let it go. let it be.