The Flaw In Every Crystal

The Flaw in Every Crystal

Chapter 18: 'Life in Praxus' Part 2

Aka: Part 1

Aka: Time for walkies!

Aka: Jazz’s surreal day

Aka: Shopping montage!

So, as with any good relationship Prowl has to remind himself in the morning not to body slam the mate next to him. Jazz was able to catch some sleep it seems by closing himself to protect his midsection in a kind of fetal position but is woken up by Prowl’s movement. This is interesting in that I can see how this will parallel Jazz’s ability’s later on since being able to maintain a light sleep will probably be a top skill for a spy.

Jazz then lies to Prowl about how he slept with Prowl just accepting it despite the way Jazz slept and speed that he woke up. Prowl then gives Jazz a choice: 

"Would you like some Energon or would you prefer a chance to clean up first?"

This seems almost like the kind of choices that one would give a child. Either choice is acceptable and in the grand scheme don’t matter. Yet the choice is given to both give the child a greater feeling of agency and experience in making decisions. Part of me wants to say that the reasons Prowl gives the choices are to both give Jazz some agency back to temper any anger early and start training Jazz about how to make decisions again but it is more probable that Prowl finds the choices so unimportant that he might as well just let Jazz pick without thinking about it too deeply.

Jazz offers to get energon for them both and Prowl accepts without question, even pleased that Jazz was thinking of him as well without any prompting. This is once again I believe Prowl’s desire to be at the happy couple stage again that he tends to fall into once Jazz starts behaving in line with Prowl’s beliefs. Of course his beloved mate would fetch him breakfast as well, this is how things were always done in his home after all (I assume at least). There is no way then that Jazz could poison his energon while alone with it because that is not what a sub in the household does after all. Not to mention that Prowl probably has the cleaning supplies locked up at the moment and any other dangerous chemicals. I’m sure that any education for getting/training a foreign sub mentions that foreigners tend to mistake cleaning solution for energon additives, silly subs, ha...ha...ha...

Jazz takes a moment to reflect that his rebellious feelings have left him and just feels empty. This of course is a perfectly natural response to trauma/depression. Like someone/thing opened a hole and all the “you” fell out.

"’That was quicker than I expected,’ the officer praised” god Prowl, even your complaints are weak. Can’t even do a thank you? 

I think Jazz is dissociating at this point due to how surreal he feels and how he goes on a kind of “auto-pilot” mode, but I don’t really know that much about the condition and have a hard time finding explanations of it so I can’t say for sure. The next line mentions Jazz’s “mental state” but that could also be referring to the depressing thought that Jazz was having that the current situation is simply his dying dream.

Prowl seems to be moving fast with wanting to take Jazz out already on only his second day out of THAT ROOM. I can’t say for sure wither this is due to Prowl’s wanting to speed the relationship along again or if he doesn’t want to leave Jazz alone in the house since its currently 2/2 ending in explosions. Or a combination thereof.

 I guess then Jazz didn’t clean up enough the first shower since he still looks kinda like crap? Or is it that after healing more and getting more energon it is more apparent? Like he went into the shower a 0/10, came out a 5/10 and Prowl was just like “good enough” till he saw it in the light of day? 

Prowl again offers Jazz the choice of what cleanser he would want, another pretty meaningless gesture, but a gesture nonetheless.  (I don’t count the energon as a real choice since it was more of an if/then than a choice.) At least he didn’t just assume Jazz should use the same cleanser as last time.

Jazz’s wings it seems integrated well since he can do the Yes/No moments easily and readily. He can also control twitching.

Jazz then gets his first taste of having Prowl’s name painted on him. At least Prowl does it quickly, probably because he didn’t want to risk Jazz losing control and twitching without meaning to. Prowl brings up that currently they are a plain black that can be fixed in the future. I wonder what color? I can’t remember if there is another one in the future and Jazz/Prowl tend to be mainly black and white. Perhaps red?

“[Prowl’s glyph(s)] was a sign of who one belonged to, and who another would have to compensate should anything be done to the wearer of such marks.” Aka: only damage the ones below your current rank, or else.

It’s sad that Prowl is probably the happiest he has been in a long time with the relationship while Jazz is wondering how much it is worth pretending/performing the role Prowl forced him into. I just know as well that if Jazz said no Prowl would probably be disappointed at Jazz’s lack of caring but still accept it.

Jazz then gets his first look at himself after exploding twice, gaining two new wings, and being tortured multiple times. What he sees, isn’t that great. Prowl gives Jazz another choice, seemingly an import one this time, of what Jazz would like to look like. Jazz tries to respond that he would like to hang on to his current look, but then Prowl dismisses how important the choice actually was by saying how it would have to be changed, aka Jazz’s black will have to be changed to a dark grey. 

Prowl also says that too much contrast will make Jazz stand out. This seems to be both a hint of how Praxus works with the subs trying not to be noticed and that Prowl’s rank is nowhere near the higher end in the city. I assume at least that if Prowl were one of the elites Jazz would be able to stand out more without problem. I almost want it to be that the real elites have some sub slaves in the gaudiest paints ever put together just to show that the sub can stand out so much without problem due to the name on their wings.

I am a bit disappointed that we didn’t get more details about Jazz’s first walk about since getting married and then arrested. Like is Jazz still on a leash or is he allowed to walk on his own? Does he have to be a certain distance behind Prowl and is Prowl enforcing the distance? Or is Prowl simply depending on Jazz’s absolute knowledge that even if he did run there would be no where to go?

After his repaint Jazz admits that he considers himself dead inside now. That the real Jazz “died” in the training room and now he was just a walking talking doll for Prowl. Though if one can consider one’s self dead, can one really be dead?

“ Prowl would never win because he could never have Jazz, just his frame and a drone-like response system to serve as a personality.” Oh, the foreshadowing, the horrible, horrible foreshadowing....

“ In the end, he'd been forced to accept a light gray in place of the white as well as replacing the black. It wasn't a situation he liked but there had been no better options.” Are the he’s here referring to Jazz or Prowl? Because Jazz wasn’t putting up a real argument so I want to say Prowl. But then why would Prowl be forced to accept a light grey color instead of white? Did the white contrast too much with the dark grey? But Prowl got Jazz a reward, so is it just Jazz? But then Prowl was disappointed with the look and @-@ I have a confusion....

(Okay, that Just Jazz line has it so I now want a transformers AU doki doki literature club where Jazz slowly falls for the too-smart self-aware Prowl or go AI Jazz but full on creepypasta)

The glyphs are red now! Called it/remembered it/assumed it! Now then, how would a conversion on the paint go.... “It is not my favorite of your looks” “Same. Yet you dressed me like this without my say so!” “I asked what colors you wished for!” “And I said I liked my old ones!” Cue argument about the Praxian sub culture again.

God, Prowl is really in fake perfect relationship mode again. He even does the hold ‘close your eyes and hold out your hands for a surprise.’ The visor even works enough for Jazz to thank Prowl for it even though Prowl was the one who took his original. I wonder if Prowl actually threw it out or if he’s keeping the original visor somewhere.

"Even the white is only to be used to prevent outsiders from viewing your optics."   - ? Why would outsiders not be allowed to see Jazz’s optics?

“It was a choice between which would be least horrible, and none of the options were looking good.” I feel as if this line summarizes the story perfectly and yet not completely. And look, another meaningless choice from a selection that Jazz is allowed while having no say in what he actually wants!

Its also kinda horrible that Prowl is taken in or at least going along with Jazz’s perfect/dead inside mate act but still knows/paid attention enough about Jazz to order him something he would enjoy.

Jazz realizes the disconnect as well and tries to justify the two Prowls in his mind by thinking one must be an act since if one is a monster sometimes, one must be a monster always and otherwise just pretend to be human. Though its interesting that it really isn’t an act with Prowl. Its more that this is how he wants to be and the monster is just something he justifies to himself and then never looks back on.

Honestly this day is probably what Prowl had wanted/planned for the day after the marriage was accepted by the council to go. His mate wearing his glyph, getting a treat from his generous dom of lunch, then as another treat going to the gardens Jazz wanted to visit so much as the first of many if not happy then at least interesting and acceptable days together. Then Jazz had to go and ruin it all by exploding....

 Jazz of course sees this as a trap in waiting since he can’t see his captor/torturer treating him this way for any reason except getting his hopes up just to dash them. Though actually its probably just Prowl over-gifting again. It is too bad that if Praxus were more normal it would be that Prowl was one of those guys who bought their significant others waay too much just because they wanted to/could. Like flowers everyday or something. And this would probably have annoyed the crap out of Jazz in a way.

“...but overly praising one's mate was frowned upon so he had to condense his reasoning. ‘Such things may become standards in your life even, if you continue to excel as you have been.’” Ha, Prowl finally admits he enjoys over-praising/rewarding his mate. Though Jazz has a point that there is no price worth what happened to him.

And thus Jazz visits the crystal gardens again, IN PART 2! ... of Part 2.... 

Till next time!

Famous Poems Rewritten as Limericks

The Raven

There once was a girl named Lenore And a bird and a bust and a door And a guy with depression And a whole lot of questions And the bird always says “Nevermore.”

Footprints in the Sand There was a man who, at low tide Would walk with the Lord by his side Jesus said “Now look back; You’ll see one set of tracks. That’s when you got a piggy-back ride.”

Response to ‘This Is Just To Say’ This note on the fridge is to say That those ripe plums that you put away Well, I ate them last night They tasted all right Plus I slept with your sister. M’kay?

Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening There once was a horse-riding chap Who took a trip in a cold snap He stopped in the snow But he soon had to go: He was miles away from a nap.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night There was an old father of Dylan Who was seriously, mortally illin’ “I want,” Dylan said “You to bitch till you’re dead. “I’ll be pissed if you kick it while chillin’.”

I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud There once was a poet named Will Who tramped his way over a hill And was speechless for hours Over some stupid flowers This was years before TV, but still.

Flaw in Every Crystal

“Chapter 14: 'Retraining Arc' Part 6

Aka: Prowl did a bad and now feels bad

Aka: The tension building stage?

We start after the anger of last cycle to Prowl bringing Jazz a lot of diluted energon.  Prowl asks if Jazz will accept the energon instead of asking Jazz to do something to earn it first. Though I think it should also be noted that Jazz responds first with an affirmative wing flick in answer to the question.

We see Prowl now being more concerned about Jazz, asking after his energy levels. Due to Prowl’s lingering guilt and Jazz’s exhaustion/soreness both are having a seemingly quiet moment together. Prowl  removes Jazz’s hand restraints so Jazz can feed himself. 

It is actions like this that though I like for Prowl and Jazz getting on more, will muddy the waters in the future of what the training means. Prowl is offering Jazz gifts out of guilt for getting out of hand and losing control earlier rather than as rewards to Jazz. This means that Jazz is less able to trust the intention of the gifts from Prowl. There will always be the question then if it is a guilt gift or a reward. By giving the same gifts for the beating as for behavior, Prowl is allowing the two to become associated in Jazz’s mind. So being a punching bag gives the same return as doing as Prowl wants, therefore when given a gift Jazz will have to wonder then if its foreshadowing a beating down the line. This is probably why also Jazz starts feeling like his actions don’t really matter since Prowl will reward/punish him for both Jazz’s actions and Prowl’s own depending on the unclear situation that only Prowl can judge. Prowl is also giving Jazz more rewards for taking abuse than Jazz was ever given the option of earning since before the second blow-up.

I wonder, is the cycle of abuse known on Cyberton enough that Jazz can recognize that they are currently in a “honeymoon” period? Or is Jazz just tired enough after last orn to just go with things for now? He thinks later that Jazz is pretending but then also wants to tone down his biting remarks to have the kindness continue. Which I guess could just be the next step of the abuse cycle playing out wherein the “tension building” step comes into play after the honeymoon. Though I don’t know how much I can trust the abuse cycle when Jazz is already expecting the anger to come back eventually when I think part of the cycle relies upon the victim feeling like things can really change and therefore staying. 

We do get a bit of an answer on the starvation though as Prowl and Jazz both agree that Jazz’s tanks may have struck and therefore he will have to be careful and consume less energon lest it just come back up later. I can also see starvation being a “good” part of training since if you lower the person’s ability to store and consume food, it will be that much harder for them to run since they will have to take more and have less natural reserves to call upon.

Prowl then promises Jazz at least two cubes the next orn to rely on, but says Jazz must earn it from beyond that. Prowl says how “This changes nothing unless you change because of it.” I have been wondering for a bit over this sentence. I know it means in a way that Prowl’s kindness will only continue if Jazz behaves so it is no use to show it otherwise. But at the same time it makes the beating almost feel planned when it obviously wasn’t.

Jazz seems to take this kindness as an act on Prowl actually. Which is a rather simple, though understandable way to view it. It helps accent here how young Jazz probably is that he can see things black and white like this. Wherein because Prowl is a “bad” person, any “good” actions Prowl performs must therefore be an act since “bad” people only do “bad” things. It also doesn’t help that Jazz must have major trust issues after the whole “courting” thing.

Prowl also detaches the energon line now that Jazz has been feed. It will also add probably in Prowl’s mind, more weight to Jazz having to earn his energon from then on.

We also see that Prowl now has a fear almost of giving Jazz gifts that allow Jazz more mobility since Jazz attacked Prowl and has stated he is willing to do so in the future. Yet even more than flavored energon and a blanket, the loosening of restraints is still a go-to. Granted right after I typed that I realized how stupid it would be to have a blanket in the room while Jazz was not capable of movement. 

Prowl and Jazz still seem to be in a state of “calm before the storm”, though when Jazz brings up a medical worry about his joints, Prowl just brushes it off as nonsense. Though in Jazz’s defense when he does finally try to move, it’s as though he has a fully body cramp.

Prowl then rewards Jazz highly for just the wing movements and not biting back that Jazz gets to clean up, though while still cuffed. Really Prowl you cannot be this schizo in the rewards system. You really need a point or leveling system or something. Like yeah, Jazz is not going to rebel with that offer on the table, but now that that precedent is in place, its going to look like complete “moving the goalposts” if you then later offer only energon for the same behavior expectations.

We then get the obligatory prison shower scene which I’m sure had Jazz tiling his head up as he looked towards the cleaning with eyes have open. Rather than the other classic getting on your knees and throwing out your hands as it rains prison scene.  

It’s odd how often Prowl seems to go from treating Jazz like an equal he is disappointed in to treating Jazz like a toddler who doesn’t know any better as he tells Jazz to be careful with the temperature. Is this just Prowl actually feeling like Jazz will not know any better or has he heard stories before of training where this was an issue to warn of and watch out for? And when Jazz chooses what he feels is a less confrontational address, Prowl doesn’t react but thinks to himself: 

“That commentary might have been worth punishing usually but the Enforcer let it go this time.”

So now it is setting Jazz up to fail in the future since Jazz didn’t hear Prowl’s thoughts. Prowl didn’t comment, so Jazz thought the action was “safe”. But when he uses it next time, Prowl will get angry and not let it go again and punish Jazz. But because Jazz cannot read minds it will seem random to him why a comment that was not punished before is being punished now. Prowl even leaves the room when Jazz asks in this way which will makes things so much more confusing down the line that of course Jazz will go the save route of distrusting everything.

I wonder, now that Jazz has adjusted to having the wings on his frame, will they be harder to remove if Jazz wishes to in the future? People tend to go back and forth on whether Jazz has any door wings, so I don’t know if the authors will go the route of having Jazz keep, change, or remove them in the future when he’s in control of his body again. 

Prowl seems to be using the excuse of it being an odd orn to justify his treatment/over rewarding of Jazz again. It’s kinda sad to see how much Prowl still wants that to be the way things are, even phrasing getting energon with Jazz “like we did before”. Prowl also puts getting out of the house on the table already even though its Jazz’s first time out of THAT ROOM since the retraining began. It’s even sadder to see the effect the training is having on Jazz where now he is looking for excuses and behaving to stay out of THAT ROOM which was Prowl’s goal. 

Having so many rewards given and offered at once to Jazz of course confuses him even more by this point and I can easily see to Jazz how it seems random if Prowl will be harsh with the punishments or over giving with the rewards. Prowl also takes his society very personally so when Jazz expresses disbelief that he could ever be a part of the society, Prowl takes it as self-doubt rather than Jazz hating the society. When Jazz tries to correct the statement though, it only angers Prowl to see something so a part of him be so totally rejected. Wash, rinse and repeat. Or as Jazz puts it:

“He watched their strange stalemate crumble with every word, knowing the only place to go from here was to an argument that would lead him to be locked up again. Wash, rinse, repeat. “

"You were more than interested in learning everything when you first arrived," Prowl countered.  This statement confused me at first because I though he was referring to when Jazz was faking it rather than the first first time Jazz was there as an outsider. So at first I was like “duh he seemed interested then Prowl, he was waiting to explode” then I read the rest of it.

Anyway, Prowl, sensing an argument coming as much as Jazz tries to just cut off the conversation then and there, of course not listening to what Jazz is actually saying, or at least not fully accepting it. Jazz then is just having none of it. I wonder if Jazz would actually take it better if Prowl acknowledged his feelings. Like “I know that you do not find this situation ideal, *Jazz snort* but your anger cannot change your situation for the better...” Actually that would probably still just lead to shouting the more I think of it. Maybe Prowl should try using an “I statement”? “Jazz, I feel frustrated when my home society’s kidnapping guidelines are insulted...”

In spite of Prowl wanting to leave Praxus to rise in the ranks based only on his own merit, he must still love Praxus, or at least have its values very deeply ingrained into himself, that Jazz will say  “Just take me back to Iacon, we can go our separate ways an' I'll never come back to Praxus." And Prowl will still insist on Jazz accepting Praxus instead of accepting this as a plan for both him and Jazz to work together on. He even says how its a slippery slope in his mind if the law is changed into complete chaos. 

Then we see this phase of the cycle end as Jazz is forced back into THAT ROOM after having another argument with Prowl. Jazz instead opts to attack Prowl again in a fit of desperation. Unfortunately, this signals to Prowl that Jazz will only respond to punishments since even offering the outside again still lead to an argument. So now Jazz will probably be even worse off than before. 

Till next time!

Because it needs to be said (Fire Emblem)

Wow, Fire Emblem warriors did more to convince me that Nohr is violently protective of its siblings more than all of Conquest ever did.

Imagine on the map, enemy forces scattered, Xander (oldest sib) at full health, surrounded by his siblings, all set to guard him with no enemy forces to be seen.

*Me waiting for win screen* 

....

*Camielle* “Oh, no, an advanced fleet, we must save Xander!”

*Leo* “The army will fall apart without him! He must be protected!!″

*Me* ... THERE ARE NO ENEMIES, XANDER IS THE STRONGEST OF YOU AND AT FULL HEALTH, AND SURROUNDED BY HIS SIBS SET TO GUARD HIM, WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! *Notices fog on the opposite corner of the map.* Do you think someone is in there? Who cares?! They can do literally nothing to us!!

...

Fine, *Sends Leo in to stop the force consisting of....two knights. Of which Xander earlier killed four by himself*

* WIN SCREEN*

REALLY?! What were you afraid one of the knights could hurt Xander’s self esteem as they ran away for their lives?! And this was after I killed an entire fort that I literally could not get to at first because the enemy sealed themselves inside it...unable to harm anyone on my side. Yet the Nohr siblings were like “It is too great a risk to let them live. THEY HAVE A PEGASUS KNIGHT!!” Me: A STIFF BREEZE COULD KILL A PEGASUS KNIGHT SJLSJIEK!”

Extra in regards to The Flaw in Every Crystal Chapter 15

I now realized (well actually last night in the shower) that it could be that the harsh white light is to symbolize how much harsher things will be for Jazz from here on out. Whereas before he was trapped in darkness which is scary in how much it hides and how mentally scarring it can be. And heh, Jazz was “in the dark” about his situation. Anyway, darkness can be a great many things but in all my reading I have never come across a “harsh” darkness. Instead darkness is described more as soft or suffocating like a heavy blanket at worst. Light on the other hand can be considered harsh and leave no ability to hide.

So yeah, realized this and didn’t want to edit the earlier post so here’s an extra. 

Well, he survived the Nyon explosion because he caused said explosion… But otherwise yeah sure.

I kinda hope that Roddy runs into the group and The Magnificence again, and the eye both remembers and likes Roddy. Because I would find that both adorable and awesome.

That would be adorable, and it also makes me wonder - what the hell is with all these mystical artefacts being hot-to-trot for Rodimus?  Does his charisma cross over into the mythological realm?

I mean, it’s possible he has some kind of Chosen One thing going on, but I kind of hope not; I hope it’s just that Rodimus is that sexy, that Cybertronians and aliens and disembodied magical eyeballs all want him. :)