"to Me You're Not Roses

"to me you're not roses

and i don't need your songs

just be my escape and help me break these walls"

its a quote from walls michael korbin and ITS SO JAKE AND MC PLS

Dark paradise

Short story about Jake's life after Hannah was found.

warnings: Jake's POV, mention of sex, slightly different version of Jake that you rarely see here

*3 years after finding Hannah*

Tired, I opened the door and a pleasant smell entered my nostrils. Home. It smelled like home. That was a pleasant mix of the smell of dinner being cooked, the warmth, and the plants she cared so much for. Exactly, she was the reason that I could call this apartment home. Her perfume, scent and presence weresomething to call these four empty walls home.

With a sigh, I hung my coat on the rack and headed towards the kitchen, where I could hear the faint clinking of pots. I stood in the doorway, leaning my shoulder against the doorframe and crossing my arms over my chest. I watched with delight as my fiancée stood with her back to me, stirred something in the pot and at the same time rocked to the song that was played from the loudspeaker. The corner of my mouth went up as I recognized it as "Hips don't lie" by Shakira. MC was wearing my gray sweatpants and a black T-shirt with the word GHOSTBUSTER engraved on the back that I had given her for Christmas. I had an identical one. She wiggled her hips and sang one of her favorite songs, oblivious to my presence. She was too focused on cooking and dancing to hear me open the door. I loved seeing her like this. When she didn't care about anything at all, when she was completely happy and devoted. I loved the way she moved her body because damn. She did it damn well.

And that really made me want to learn to speak Spanish.

Finally, the young woman turned to reach for the plate on the table. When her eyes landed on me, she jumped up and screamed softly. My smile only grew bigger, so I moved towards her to place the sweet kiss on her lips that I had been craving all morning. MC turned around and turned off the speaker, then turned back to me. She placed a hand on her chest, trying to control her breathing.

– Christ, Jake. Don't scare me like that unless you want me to have a heart attack before we get married. – she said and I leaned in to kiss her. Her lips tasted the same. They were sweet and addictive. Her hair was shiny and soft. They smelled like the shampoo she'd used for as long as I could remember. Her skin was smooth and so silky that I wanted to melt into it forever. Her beautiful eyes were filled with love and tenderness. She was my mainstay of safety.

– Never. First you will be my wife, and then I will scare you every day as long as you wait for me here. – I murmured into her mouth which made her giggle

– Two more months, Mr. Donfort, and then we'll be married. – she replied and kissed me. Hot and passionately.

I pushed her to sit on the counter. She immediately wrapped her legs around my waist and I started hungrily devour her neck. Oh my god how much I adored her. I loved her whole, more and more every day if that was even possible. Moans came out of her mouth and I felt my own erection. Soon she grabbed my hair and pulled hard to tear me away from her skin, which made me look at her a bit hazy.

– First dinner, then dessert. – she said, smiling slyly. – I can't wait for you to tell me about your day at work.

That was our daily routine. I came home from work and she was waiting for me. We talked about our days, listening to each other with delight. It felt like a dream.

– Living with you is a dream I never want to wake up from.

She leaned down to my lips an..

I woke up abruptly.

I looked half-consciously around the room I was in. It was dark. The only light that illuminated it came from the computer in front of me. I groaned softly as I realized how hurt I was. I must have fallen asleep in the chair at the laptop where I was working to confuse my pursuers.I froze, breathing quickly and shallowly as fragments of my dream began to reach me. I clenched my jaw and fists, remembering literally everything. Damn it! It was so good already. It was getting better, I didn't think about her as much as before. The last dream or daydream about her was three days ago.

For the past three days, I've been free from memories of her.

And now it's all started all over again. My loneliness made itself felt again. I felt like I was dead, I believed I was in purgatory, and my punishment was her. MC. The girl who's been stalking me almost every night and day for the last five fucking years.

As I stood in front of the mirror in a dingy motel bathroom across the globe from her, I felt self-hatred and disgusted. I was so weak. Five years ago I wrote to her that I was at her mercy. After all these years, nothing has changed. She still had me and I hated it so much. After what happened in the mine, I never wrote to her again. Throughout the search for Hannah, I knew this moment would come. I knew that eventually I would have to break her heart, break her whole, but I kept pushing our relationship further and further. It was incredible nice feeling, after all these years, to feel that someone cares about you. I was totally addicted to it and couldn't stop it. At first I tried to fight this feeling, but eventually I gave up. I knew that I wasn't able to give her safety and I couldn't let her run away with me. I was the asshole who confessed his love to her and then left her without even saying goodbye.

I'm weak, I thought as my fist hit the mirror. The glass shattered into millions of pieces, hurting my hands, but even that pain was nothing compared to my still bleeding heart.

* * *

The next night the dreams came again. I woke up drenched afterwards. My hands and my whole body were shaking. I immediately drank half a bottle of water and then vomited all morning. It was worse than usual because I remembered that I hadn't eaten anything in over two days. It's been a long time since I felt such pain in my stomach, when all I was throwing out was bile and saliva. I spent over 2 hours lying on the cold tiles. I lost consciousness a few times and I think I had a fever. There was nothing I could do to help myself. Barely alive, after closing my eyes, over the toilet bowl, I saw her face in my mind. I started vomiting again. How romantic.

When I had recovered a bit, I swallowed a handful of pills I found in my backpack. Some of them were just painkillers and others were something I couldn't even name. I needed some drugs to be able to ensure my survival.

Quickly looking at how far away my pursuers were, I called Mercedes. The government was far enough away that I could afford a little pleasure while still in Colville. Mercedes was something of a prostitute with whom I had quite a long relation. Whenever I was around, I would meet her when I needed a... distraction.

The woman immediately agreed. I heard a knock on the door not even an hour later. Our clothes quickly ended up on the floor because girl didn't bother to talk. Neither do I. Sex with her was the same as always. No. Today was better, best of all the times I've had sex with Mercedes ever. I felt better because I was thinking of someone else when I was fucking her.

I was thinking about the fucking MC.

Mercedes smirked slightly as she put her skimpy clothes back on. She was smoking a cigarette while I tossed her money for her service. I was feeling fucking sick again, and I couldn't get the bile taste out of my throat.

Mercedes left, but this time she didn't say she loved my body like she always did. This time she gave me a mocking smirk so that next time I wouldn't call her MC, and today I reportedly did it six times.

I definetely needed more drugs. Or alcohol. Or their mixtures.

"Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine

But I wish I was dead

Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise

No one compares to you

I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side" — Lana Del Rey

if i were jessy i would have no self control

YES SIR

I MEAN-

if we not get words like this in new game i swear to you

Feelings for which there are no words to describe it.

Fourth of July

summary: A story about Jake's childhood, youth and mother. (Ophelia) warnings: mention of mental health problems, a little JakexMC words: 3,5k

November 28, 1998

In a quiet and peaceful town, in a lonely hospital, at less than five o'clock in the morning, when a cold autumn morning was waking up to life, another human was born. He wasn't ordinary, he was someone else from the moment he was born. He was different.

Chestnut hair stuck to the sweaty forehead of the woman, who leaned back tiredly, trying to regain her even breathing.

– Just as we predicted. No complications, completely healthy and strong son!

A slight smile appeared on the tired woman's face.

– My little Jacob.

April 4, 2003

– Look. I found a daisy.

Hearing her son's high-pitched voice, the woman of average height looked up from the book she was reading at the little boy in front of her. His watchful gaze was focused on the tiny white flower in his hand, which he proudly held out to his mother.

This day was one of the first warm days of spring, which was the young woman's favorite season. They were surrounded by a forest in which beautiful and breathtaking plants bloomed and the warm rays of the sun enveloped them from the sky.

– It's beautiful, Jake. – she replied in a melodious voice. She sat up from the bench and leaned toward her five-year-old son. – Where did you find it?

– On the meadow. – He shrugged and held out the flower more strongly – It's for you. – added.

The incredibly sweet gesture amused and moved the young mother.

– Wouldn't you like to give it to your brother?

The woman chuckled softly as the boy rolled his eyes.

– I already gave him the stone. He threw it at my head.

She laughed again, but seeing his undisguised indignation, she accepted his gift and promised him that she will punish Kaden. The boy brightened up, and a slight smile appeared on his face, creating dimples on his cheeks.

The young mother once again admired the beauty of her son. Jake was a beautiful kid. He was a little bony for his age, even though he ate for two. His now sunlit face was like that of an angel. His thick hair, the color of dark chocolate pudding, cascaded over his forehead. But what caught his attention the most were his eyes. Beautiful, breath-taking, mesmerizing blue irises stood out on his innocent and charming face. Her heart clenched as she looked into her son's eyes, which were an identical reflection of his father's. Nathan Donfort.

She didn't want to remember the man who had completely broken her heart, so she thought back to Jake and began to fix his hair, which had been loosened by the sudden gust of wind.

She glanced at the white flower in her left hand out of the corner of her eye and swore one thing to herself. She promised herself that she would do everything in her power to keep her son exactly as he is now. Pure, innocent and free from any sin. She promised herself that she would make sure that Jake would always be as free, carefree and happy as he was now.

December 22, 2009

Christmas was fast approaching. Therefore, no one was surprised by the noise in the apartment, where a few more people were supposed to gather. In addition to Jake, Kaden and their mother, their grandmother and uncle were coming with their family. The whole apartment was nicely and climatically decorated, and the smell of home-made Christmas dishes was wafting, creating only increasing impatience in young boys.

– Kaden, how many times do I have to tell you that these gingerbread cookies are for Christmas? – she asked in a loud and slightly tired voice from the preparations, but she couldn't help but smile when she saw the boys running around the kitchen dressed in Santa hats. She went back to turning the meat in the pan when she heard a loud thump on their door. Surprised, she walked towards the entrance of the apartment, then opened the door. And it was one of the biggest mistakes of her life. Because she found no one else there but Nathan Donfort himself.

– Hello, Ophelia.

Her whole body stiffened and her heart stopped. She couldn't get a word out. She just stood there, staring at the face of the man she would sell her soul for one day.

– Mom? Who is this man?

She didn't know which of the boys had asked those questions. It didn't matter to her, even though he was the father of only one of them, she didn't want any of her sons to have anything to do with this man. So she left the apartment and quickly slammed the door. They were facing each other now, looking at each other with eyes that were so different and distant from the ones they had shared in the past.

– What do you want, Nathan? – She uttered the coldest, emotionless tone she could muster

– It's Christmas. I wanted to… – he started but got stuck in the middle. He tried a few more times, but each time he stopped as if he didn't know what he was doing here. – I wanted to meet my son.

The woman burst into a sharp, dry laugh. Damn, that asshole had more guts than she ever thought possible.

– All of a sudden? After eleven years, you remember that you have a son? – she asked, not believing in his insolence. – Spare yourself, Nathan. I'm not seventeen anymore, you can't manipulate me like you used to.

– That was never my target.

More dry lies.

– So what is it? You've had an argument with your wife again and you're looking for solace in a one-time whore you'll dump as soon as you find out she's pregnant? – she gasped as her emotions took over her. The inside screamed at her to go back inside and she wouldn't listen to a word of that son of a bitch anymore, but she couldn't. She couldn't take her eyes off the face of the man she once loved most in the world.

– I didn't come here to resolve our conflict. – he growled unpleasantly – I came because I believe that our son deserves a father. He deserves better.

– You mean our conflict is that when I told you I was pregnant, you called me names and left me alone? Right, it's nothing that bad! – she raised her voice, feeling the first burning tears under her eyelids – And he is by no means your son! You lost father's name when you abandoned us eleven years ago. He lived eleven years without you, and believe me, he deserves better than a momentary hope. Because that's who you are, Nathan. You give people momentary attention and hope and then brutally take it away and push people to the bottom.

She was about to return to her apartment after these words, but she looked at him one last time.

– By the way, what's your younger daughter's name? Ah, Lilly, that's right. Maybe you won't screw up with her like you did with Jake.

She slammed the door behind her and slid down it, finally falling to the floor. She would love to go back to the time when everything was fine. When the sun was out and Jake brought her a plucked daisy. She thought that moment would last forever. That they will always be so incredibly happy.

But the sky was not always cloudless. Unfortunately, the sun sometimes went down, and that Christmas day over Jake's house it went down too fast. And never came back.

November 28, 2012

– Happy birthday, sweetheart!

His grandmother's hand fell from his eyes, revealing a brand new, first ever computer he had ever owned. The then fourteen-year-old boy opened his eyes wide in surprise and looked at the older woman doubtfully. Well, he knew they didn't have the money for such expensive equipment.

– But from where? And how?

But his grandmother interrupted him"

– Don't worry so much, Jake. It's your birthday! Come on, grandma made you a delicious cake. Your favourite. – she smiled warmly at him, and the boy felt the warmth spreading inside him

– Is mom joining us? – he asked only hoping for an affirmative answer – I haven't seen her here for so long.

The old woman tensed up, but tried not to let him know that something was wrong. She smiled at him again, pushing him towards the table. She bit her lip and replied.

– Your mother took an extra job, which is why she's been gone so long. But I promise she'll be back soon. – she said truthfully, a little sadly.

Jake had abruptly blacked out because he had just found out that his mom was working a few jobs just to keep him entertained. Only once did he mention how much he likes IT classes, and she decided to sacrifice her well-being and exhaust herself in several jobs. It was then that he felt for the first time that he didn't deserve someone.

He felt it in such moments, when he saw empty packets of various pills, prescriptions from psychiatrists and sleepless, crying nights. For several years, Ophelia was sinking into an increasingly advanced depression, although she did not want to admit it to her sons. And it got worse as she watched the family of her ex-lover, Nathan Donfort, more and more. She saw all the photos his wife posted, which showed a complete family with two beautiful daughters. Smiling, happy and so full of love. Bitterness, sadness and rage seized her and dragged her down.

Jake was mature enough to understand the situation. It was when he turned fourteen and later fifteen that he and his mother began to have heated arguments about his father. The boy wanted to know who his father was, he wanted to meet him. No. He wanted to know why he abandoned them. Ophelia always brushed him off and never gave an answer. The boy didn't want to blame her - he had seen the condition she was in, which was mostly caused by Nathan Donfort. He never blamed her.

But he couldn't help his growing curiosity about his roots and the fact that he got in touch with his older half-sister Hannah thanks to the computer they had given him. When, after a few months of exchanging messages and talking with sister, his mother found out about it, their relation deteriorated even more. And now two people were blaming each other for Nathan's departure. Ophelia about being an insufficient woman, and Jake about being an unwanted child. Because Hannah also told the boy many things about her family, including her father. She portrayed him as a loving and caring father and husband. So what were they better at? What was the fault of a young, then seventeen-year-old girl completely blinded by love for an older man? And what was the fault of the defenseless and unawared boy with black hair and an innocent smile?

Jake felt rejected. Unwanted. Furious that, compared to him, Kaden had a perfectly normal father. Yes, he wasn't with their mom either, but he didn't abandon his son. So many times he wanted to tell Hannah the truth about what kind of man their father really was. However, he never did. He didn't want to be the reason their perfect family broke up.

When he didn't want to hurt his mother any more by soughting contact with the family of the man who broke her heart so he decided to break off contact with Hannah. But it was damn hard, because for unknown reasons, he became very attached to his unawared sister. The situation began to spiral out of control when girl began to show strange emotions towards him. Suggestions. He had no idea how he hadn't noticed it before. He was never good at interpersonal relationships. Hannah crossed the line when she sent him a picture in nothing but a bra. Jake reacted immediately, blaming himself for not finishing it sooner. He cut off contact with her, never returning to the topic in the years that followed.

November 31, 2016

He was awakened by the strong and poisonous smell of smoke. Disoriented and sleepy, he had no idea what was going on. The only sound he heard was the loud snoring of Kaden, who was sleeping on the bed next to him. He listened for a moment, and when another strange noise reached him, he stood up as if scalded. It sounded like... burning. Almost falling over the clothes scattered on the floor, he reached his sleeping brother and shook his body hard, screaming his name. A sleepy Kaden began to accuse him of interrupting his best erotic sleep with Pamela Anderson, but when he heard what was going on, he immediately turned serious and ran to wake up their mother.

Jake knew perfectly well what had caused the house fire. In the last few months he has become more and more interested in hacking and may have messed with some dangerous people. He didn't know what the consequences of his actions would be. He was just a kid who devoted himself to his passion and went down the wrong path for many. A path from which there was no return.

The three were forced to jump and escape through the window due to the flames cutting off their access to the door. Ophelia was slightly intoxicated from the sleeping pills she had taken the night before, making her unable to drive. Jake couldn't waste another moment, his pursuers might be right behind them. After all, they must have been somewhere in the area, after all, they set fire to his house.

– Jake, where are we going? – Kaden asked quietly, scared. Usually he was resolute and exuded ironic jokes, but now he knew how serious the situation was. All he knew was that his older brother was a hacker, and he was damn good at it despite his young age. It wasn't hard to guess that it was easy to get under the skin of the wrong people.

– Somewhere far. We'll stay at a hotel. And tomorrow we'll go to grandma's. – Jake tried to calm his younger brother, even though he knew perfectly well that he would never let his problems endanger another person close to him. He didn't want to admit it, but deep down he knew what he had to do.

He was driving dangerously fast, constantly veering onto country side roads, trying to avoid the traffic. With every mile that passed, he felt worse and worse, more and more guilty.

When they finally arrived at a town that was reasonably safe from being tracked until morning at least, he accommodated the three of them at the first hotel he came across. The receptionist gave a strange look to the black-haired boy who was supporting the barely conscious middle-aged woman, but she didn't ask any questions.

They entered the room they had been given, and Jake led his mother over to the couch. Just as he was about to leave her there, he felt her fists wrap tightly around his sweatshirt, not letting him leave.

– What's going on? – she hoarsed, and the boy looked at her face with a heavy heart. Her pupils were dilated and hands were shaking. Seeing her so lost broke his scarred heart. – What have you gotten yourself into, honey? Can I help you somehow?

Jake clenched his jaw tight to keep from crying.

– No. I can handle it. – he stammered, but his mother's embrace did not ease. Even though his eyesight was beginning to blur from the accumulated tears, he managed a gentle smile. – Don't worry, mom. Everything will be fine.

– Okay. I believe you, Jake. I believe you can fix everything. But promise me something. – he stopped, looking into his eyes, wiping a tear from his cheek.

– What?

– Don't get yourself into trouble any more. – she whispered, her voice breaking. –Whenever you need me, I'll be here. Please, don't ever leave me. I need you, honey.

More tears ran down Jake's cheeks.

– I promise.

But that same night he broke his promise. He broke it when he left the hotel in the morning, leaving his two closest people there. He left a part of himself that he never got back.

4 July 2022

A young woman was awakened in the middle of the night by a strange noise coming from the living room of their temporary apartment. In the dark, she touched the place next to her with her hand, but found only an empty and cold sheet. Burnt, she opened her eyes and got out of bed, listening to the sounds coming from the bedroom door.

Finally she left it and went to the living room, and the view she found there was forever etched in her memory and broke her heart.

She found Jake there, huddled behind the couch, his face red and wet from the tears that shook his body. The girl's heart completely broke when she heard his heartbreaking sobs. His matted hair fell over his forehead. Tears ran down his pale cheeks as he placed a hand over his eyes. The sight hurt. It hurt so much. She had seen Jake lose hope and be broken many times. The boy fell many times, but that night he fell for real.

He fell the moment when he fell to his knees, tears mixing with his every breath. He fell at the point where he had no strength to fight anymore. He fell the moment his last wall fell. One she had no idea about.

Jake rarely wanted to talk about his family. MC even though she was very curious, she respected his decision and never asked. But when she heard one sentence from him, in some strange, incomprehensible way, she knew.

– She is dead. – he whimpered, barely catching his breath – MC, she's dead.

Without thinking, she ran towards him, knocking over a few things in the process. But it didn't matter. Her eyes blurred with her own tears as she knelt beside him. He was still sobbing like a baby when she wrapped her arms around him with all her strength and pulled him to her chest as if she wanted to protect him from all the evil in the world. And he let her. He leaned against her breast, which he was soaking in increasingly hot tears. She squeezed her eyes shut, kissing and stroking his hair.

There were no words that could ease his pain right now.

– Kaden contacted me. – he croaked after a few minutes – Mom suffered from cancer, recently it got worse. And yesterday she left. She's gone forever, I'll never see her again. I will never hear her laugh or see her smile.

She hugged him even tighter, trying to make him even more comfortable.

– Shhh, I'm here. – she whispered, rubbing his back reassuringly – I'm here and I'm not going anywhere.

– I broke my promise to her. I left her. I should have been there for her, especially recently when she was sick. – he said, his voice breaking and a new spasm of tears seized his fragile body. – I'm just like my father.

– Don't even say that. You saved your mother because you loved her more than anything in the world. You had to do it then so as not to endanger her. I'm sure she knew it.

MC knew perfectly well that losing a loved one was one thing, but not being able to say goodbye was another. And much more hard amd painfull.

They didn't know how much time they spent like that, but the black-haired hacker finally began to calm down. She continued to hold him like a precious treasure, kissing his soft hair. With every minute that passed, he began to breathe more and more steadily, until finally the crying stopped completely. They remained silent.

– I'm destroying everything and everyone I care about.

– No. - she interrupted him with determination, and moved away from him slightly – Jake, paradoxically you are the reason why I did not destroy myself. And I'm sure your mom wasn't angry at you. She must have felt that you were protecting her in this way, just as she had protected you throughout your childhood.

His voice was empty. Exactly as he was inside now. Jake stared blankly ahead, his face red from crying for so long. Bloodshot eyes were still a bit glassy.

MC didn't know what to do next. How to fix it. How to make Jake a little lighter. But she knew that she would do anything to bring her beloved back to peace and happiness.

– Take me to her funeral. – he whispered barely audibly, which made her hug him again – I have to .. I have to say goodbye. And apologize.

At that point, it didn't matter the government or the danger they would expose themselves to. She just couldn't and didn't want to say no.

– Of course. – she replied immediately – We will go there together.

Jake gave her a light, barely noticeable smile. He regretted so much that he had lost so many precious moments that they could have shared together. He wished he had introduced MC to his mother, the woman who had completely changed his life. He was sure she would like her. Sometimes she even resembled her. Both were equally stubborn and defended their own opinion. He would turn back time just to tell his mother how much he loves her and how grateful he is for everything she has done for him. But it was too late for that.

Ophelia's spirit, however, saw it all and was finally able to leave in peace, seeing that her son had finally found his love, soulmate, and above all, the person who saved him from falling to the very bottom.

"It was night when you died, my firefly

What could I have said to raise you from the dead?

Oh could I be the sky on the fourth of july?

We're all gonna die"