Painfully Accurate

painfully accurate

thinking about the dichotomy of being a queer woman who fits into neither the feminine nor masculine category. the clear privilege I have when I am embodying a more feminine presentation and am therefore straight-passing. then the fear I experience when I align my appearance with a more masculine presentation and I know that this makes me appear more outwardly gay. the sort of imposter syndrome I have…like can I really claim oppression and voice my experiences with micro aggressions and homophobia as a queer woman when I can also adjust my appearance to appear straight and avoid those things? I have been dwelling on this idea of gender expression and the ways in which my presentation effects peoples treatment of me, but I find it important for me to say that no matter how you express your sexuality or gender identity outwardly, you are still valid in your experiences with oppression and hate. You can both acknowledge that you may have privilege within your queerness while also acknowledging that your identity as a non-straight or non-cis person makes you inherently hold less privilege than straight and cis individuals. anyways…

unfortunately, being gay is extremely painful. the terrors are getting to me. I have decided to be straight. y’all stay safe out there lesbians <333

all I want is a tatted masc girlfriend who looks exactly like Julien Baker, can shred on a guitar, and has a brilliant mind. is that too much to ask for? jeez what does a girl have to do

one of my recent posts has been making me think in general about the type of people who are labeled as “weird”. In general, I really try to refrain from passing judgement toward anybody, especially based on their personality or appearance. and my greatest regrets are moments where I treated anybody as less than or excluded anyone (intentionally or unintentionally). every single time I look back and cringe at my younger self, it isn’t because of the way I looked or the things I said. It was because of the moments where someone was vulnerable and I withheld gentleness. moments where I could have been warmer, friendlier, or kinder to someone. I myself was a “weird” kid. I was loud, outspoken, I had a wild laugh, I never had many close friends. Yet somehow, I ended up turning my back on those same “weird” kids. and for what? popularity? the feeling of superiority? I know I was just a kid, and I was desperate to fit in and to receive love. I really wish I had gone about it in a different way, though. but now I do what I can to make up for it. I always loved you, weird kids. now I can do it out loud. I love you “weird” kids, I love you outcasts, I love you misfits, I love you loners. I love you and I hope you know that if you were treated like you were crazy or weird or like you didn’t belong, it probably had nothing to do with you. and I’m sorry for you and I’m sorry for the kids whose ability to love has been hindered by societal expectations and a lack of love.

im normal for like 3 months of the year but not consecutively