You Never Know What You Have Until You Lose It.

You never know what you have until you lose it.

I always knew what I had, I just never thought I'd lose it.

-N

Privacy

So I've been thinking about this for quite some time. It's not some prose wrapped in metaphor, no nothing like that.

It always struck me as a bit, well for lack of a better term, retarded that many people have complained about the lack of privacy in the internet age. It's an idiotic notion of epidemic proportions that has swept the nation. Really? Are you really that concerned about your privacy. GTFO. Seriously. Get off Facebook. Get off Myspace (is that even used still?). Get off Twitter. You're angry over your privacy issues and yet you allow 130+ people to know what you're doing at any given moment, where you were last night, what you did, who you were with and what you looked like. You brought it on yourself if your privacy was infiltrated. I'm not sure many people really understand the idea of a social network but it's an interconnected system of people.  You can't choose if these people willingly share the information you just shared with them. Free will, dumbass. Admit it. You want to share with people. It's actually really frightening. In our society we hide ourselves under this cloak of presumed anonymity and yet we place ourselves right on center stage. Society doesn't shy away from the lack of privacy, it embraces it. We've done a complete 180 from the Orwellian yearning for privacy. We no longer hide from Big Brother. We invite him into our homes and have him watch our lives whether he wants to or not. He's not a spy, he's the audience. You think you look particularly nice in that photoshopped picture? You post it because you want feedback. Your Facebook status is something witty so you can have your audience believe you're funny. You post a profound quote or saying and have others think you are some wise intellectual. In this day and age everybody is the drunk partygoer who obnoxiously laughs uncontrollably and attracts attention to themselves and yet hates the reputation they just earned themselves. You want privacy? Simple. Get the fuck off social networking sites. Stop posting things about yourself. Maybe your boss wouldn't know so much about your life if you didn't have it documented every 8 seconds. You don't need to have a detailed profile or some evidence of your existence on the internet in order to use it. But why am I saying this? You already know it. You know the risks you've undertaken when you placed yourself in a vulnerable position and if you didn't then you are really too stupid to be on the internet. You don't want privacy. You want others to know you. You want to bear your soul to those in your network whether they are close to you or not. You want some sort of recognition for the person you think you are. If it so happens that who you make yourself out to be on the internet becomes widespread then that's on you not privacy settings.

I cut and I bleed and I embarrass easily - Michael Jackson

There's a weird thing I do. I'm a commuter student but I don't memorize the bus schedule. So when I go to the bus stop and I see the bus waiting there I don't run, even if that means I might miss it. I keep the same pace and I think "if it goes, it goes." If that means waiting for another bus to come, so be it. It's odd because when I'm on the bus I see others running for the bus, most times they get on but sometimes the bus drives off leaving the person huffing and irritated. I don't want people seeing me run only to have the bus drive away. My failed attempt would become known and I am left with embarrassment as those who were privileged enough to get on the bus pity me, laugh at me or simply don't care. But this mindset goes so much further than that. 

Guys are like buses to me. (That sounds so sexist.) I tell myself "if this doesn't work out there will be another one coming along." I don't want others to think I am putting too much effort into the relationship because I don't want others to watch me embarrass myself, like the passengers on the bus. I don't want them to pity me. But then that leaves the guy feeling as though I don't care and really he's the only one that matters. If I fight hard enough, run fast enough he'll know it's him and he'll wait, taking me where I need to be. But then again, just like bus drivers, some guys are assholes and leave anyways which is fine, I don't die. Sure I'll have to wait again but that guarantees my place for the next one that comes along. But then again that last guy could've been the one that I needed, like the bus that can take me to the place I need to be. But he'll never know because he sees me in his rear view mirror putting in no effort. Like the bus driver, eventually the guy will leave leave because he thinks I'm waiting for someone else. 

Nightly musings

Time: 1:00am

Weather: -12 C feels like -19 C w/ wind chill and snow

Just went for a walk in these conditions to simply catch a glimpse of the beautiful Geminid meteor shower. Jacket did not suffice to block the cold. Snow got in my shoes. No meteors. Walked a mile with wet socks. Looked up only to find the sky concealed by clouds and falling snow. No meteors. iPod died. Walked in silence. No meteors. When I embraced the silence it described a town induced in a deadly slumber. A few zombies cautiously avoided an icy collision of metal and tragedy. No meteors. Slipped. Dusted off remnants of cloud falling onto the sidewalk. No meteors. Ahead of me was a long winding sidewalk lightly covered by a layer of snow. The only memory of me was not the buzzing from my headphones but my steps left imprinted in the untouched snow. They're being covered quickly by the flakes. The only sound left was the crunch of snow under my heavy gait. There were too many street lights. They left golden orbs in the sky illuminating the falling snow. It covered any sign of meteors. I trudged forward, hands plunged deep into my pockets. Searching for the darkest part of town. Looked to the skies. Got it. I walked two miles to catch a fleeting glimpse of one meteor. It was worth it. I would go to the darkest depths to find light-where it is most radiant. I would endure the ugliness in search of beauty-where it is most captivating. I would kill myself just to live-truly take in the flawed perfection I will leave behind when I go. Sometimes you need to brush death to understand the magnificence of life.

Naivety

Every time I turn and walk away my heart thumps against my rib cage and my eyebrows automatically stitch together trying to quell the tears. However, they do not fall. They do not fall because I know there are certain amount of steps I will take before yours begin to parallel my own. This mentality is not preparing me for the day when my steps are disregarded. I take for granted the amount of times you follow because I don't deserve it anymore. In all honesty you deserve to create your own path and shouldn't be obligated to follow mine. Please, run away.

Learn when to use literally, kids.

*Listening to 'Grenade' on the radio.

Cousin: Would you catch a grenade for someone?

Me: Literally?

Cousin: Yeah.

Me: Are you seriously asking me if I would stretch out my fleshy appendage to catch a tossed explosive device from World War 1? Who the hell has one of those lying around anyways? Am I supposed to believe that someone is just carrying an ancient war weapon in their back pocket? "HEADS UP, BITCH!"

Cousin: -blank stare- You completely missed the point of the song.

Me: You asked if I would literally catch a grenade for someone. I gave you a literal answer.

Cousin: I'm not even surprised by your answer.

Me: If it makes you feel any better, if we found ourselves in that situation I would push you out of the way.

Cousin: NOT EVEN THE POINT.

Me: Never mind then...ungrateful.