Nightly Musings

Nightly musings

Time: 1:00am

Weather: -12 C feels like -19 C w/ wind chill and snow

Just went for a walk in these conditions to simply catch a glimpse of the beautiful Geminid meteor shower. Jacket did not suffice to block the cold. Snow got in my shoes. No meteors. Walked a mile with wet socks. Looked up only to find the sky concealed by clouds and falling snow. No meteors. iPod died. Walked in silence. No meteors. When I embraced the silence it described a town induced in a deadly slumber. A few zombies cautiously avoided an icy collision of metal and tragedy. No meteors. Slipped. Dusted off remnants of cloud falling onto the sidewalk. No meteors. Ahead of me was a long winding sidewalk lightly covered by a layer of snow. The only memory of me was not the buzzing from my headphones but my steps left imprinted in the untouched snow. They're being covered quickly by the flakes. The only sound left was the crunch of snow under my heavy gait. There were too many street lights. They left golden orbs in the sky illuminating the falling snow. It covered any sign of meteors. I trudged forward, hands plunged deep into my pockets. Searching for the darkest part of town. Looked to the skies. Got it. I walked two miles to catch a fleeting glimpse of one meteor. It was worth it. I would go to the darkest depths to find light-where it is most radiant. I would endure the ugliness in search of beauty-where it is most captivating. I would kill myself just to live-truly take in the flawed perfection I will leave behind when I go. Sometimes you need to brush death to understand the magnificence of life.

Learn when to use literally, kids.

*Listening to 'Grenade' on the radio.

Cousin: Would you catch a grenade for someone?

Me: Literally?

Cousin: Yeah.

Me: Are you seriously asking me if I would stretch out my fleshy appendage to catch a tossed explosive device from World War 1? Who the hell has one of those lying around anyways? Am I supposed to believe that someone is just carrying an ancient war weapon in their back pocket? "HEADS UP, BITCH!"

Cousin: -blank stare- You completely missed the point of the song.

Me: You asked if I would literally catch a grenade for someone. I gave you a literal answer.

Cousin: I'm not even surprised by your answer.

Me: If it makes you feel any better, if we found ourselves in that situation I would push you out of the way.

Cousin: NOT EVEN THE POINT.

Me: Never mind then...ungrateful.

They say you never know what you have till you lose it You promise your girl something you better do it You can't tell a woman you love her are you stupid Words don't express your love you got to prove it

Joe (Where You At)

Naivety

Every time I turn and walk away my heart thumps against my rib cage and my eyebrows automatically stitch together trying to quell the tears. However, they do not fall. They do not fall because I know there are certain amount of steps I will take before yours begin to parallel my own. This mentality is not preparing me for the day when my steps are disregarded. I take for granted the amount of times you follow because I don't deserve it anymore. In all honesty you deserve to create your own path and shouldn't be obligated to follow mine. Please, run away.

mineralaccident:

I don’t want to keep secrets, in fact I’d like to give them all away, but the problem is that such an ability is not in my repertoire. I hold on to everything. Every memory, feeling and moment of my life. But secrets are one thing I don’t want to hold on to. In other news, I was in a bad mood...

My interpretation of this may not be the way Larry himself wrote it out but there's a certain way this applies to me. These words are so strangely intertwined in my idea of living comfortably.

I so desperately want to cut myself open and have you read me but I would hate that there is a strong possibility you will dislike what you see.

I want to tell you my dreams and yet the very idea of you shooting them down inhibits me from doing so.

I want you to know but goddamn it you can't. You can't because it places me in a ridiculously vulnerable position. Not only am I open and bleeding while you criticize every drop but I am indebted to those who unknowingly carry a deadly weapon with them. Anxiety and paranoia rises in me as I realize that my secrets are no longer safeguarded by lock and key in my impenetrable vault. Now they are left to the security of a system I know nothing of. Who's to say how they use this secret? I am forever at their whim and I cannot have that. Injurious are not the secrets themselves but their placement in the hands of one who can do terrible damage when they are thrown back at me with spiteful malice. I'd rather keep them to myself.

You never know what you have until you lose it.

I always knew what I had, I just never thought I'd lose it.

-N