Pati Ba Naman 'yon?

Pati ba naman 'yon?

All i want is to be happy. And this makes me happy. Why can't you understand that these people are the reason why i am smiling, laughing?... Don't you want me to be happy too? Will you always have to be the reason for my tears? Will you always be the reason why i am hurting? Why do you always do this to me? When will you stop? I am so tired of this but it seems like it has no end. Why? Why are you like this to me? Why can't we be on the same boat? Why do we always have to be opposites? Why do you make more reasons for me to stay away from you? Why do i even hope for the impossible?? Why do i always end up being the wrong one? Why am i always on the losing end? Why do i feel like you don't care about me at all? Why do i feel like i am the most unloved person? Why can't i stop these tears again? When will it stop? When will you be able to love me? When will you accept me for who i am? When are you going to care less for other people's business and start giving attention to me? When we gonna be on the same boat? When am i going to be able to say 'thank you' and 'i love you' to you?

worst night ever!

This is definitely the worst night for me! Nothing went well at all. It's as if i didn't have a chance to win over it. I was so disappointed of myself right now :( First, i failed the fucking test tonight though i studied all day for it. Then during the practice for the lab practical, I can't think of anything at all. My head was spinning and things went blank. I wasn't able to answer any of it. Even when the cute dude in class asked me about my shirt... I seriously look stupid not answering his question. I was like zoning out and lots of things are going on my mind at the same time. It sucks that I was like that in front of him... And then one of my group mates dropped the class so I hafta move to another group. I was so pissed coz we were almost done with our research and now I hafta join a new group and work with them from the step1... It's just not right! I am so stressed and my problems are piling up on me. I hafta study for my lab practical on Wednesday plus I need to do tons of homework for my other class... An I don't even know if I have more energy to do all of those... I feel like just giving up but I know I'll hafta finish it now or else I'll be doing it over and over again... Ugh I hate this day so much. I wanna cry so bad and just sleep... I am so tired of all these things happening in my life right now :'(

Yes, i admit i am SELFISH.

I always think of what is best for me. I only care about issues i am involved with. I want everyone's attention on me! I want my family and friends to always notice me. I am SELFISH. Is that enough? Do you want to know why i am like this? Why i am so SELFISH? Well then why don't you start showing that you really actually love and cares for me... Why don't you try telling me i am important to you... Why don't you say you're proud of me... Why don't you stop expecting me to be the perfect?? Should i stop being SELFISH? Let me ask you something... When will you start recognizing my little sacrifices? When will you be honest to me? When will you tell me i am enough for you and you don't expect me to be the best? When am I going to gain self confidence? Or how am i going to believe in myself when i don't even feel my importance because of you... Am i asking for too much? Am i not allowed to be like this? Should i blame it all to myself? I don't think so. Why? Cause you made me be like this. Yes, i hafta blame it you too. I need you to know what i really feel. You will never know the real me unless you start understanding my feelings... I just want you to acknowledge me, to love me, to tell me you are proud of me... And to be honest with you, until now i still don't feel it. You still don't understand me. You still don't know the real me... Now, tell me again why i should stop being SELFISH...

The GOOD MEMORIES

I had this beautiful dream again... Wait is the word 'beautiful' acceptable to define it? Err... somehow i think yeah. Ok. Let me start this story... I was in my high school uniform acting just like the good-old-noisy-annoying high school student that i was before with my friends. It seems like the dream took place in our campus tho there were some unfamiliar places too like those trails going to a forest or somewhere... I saw several familiar faces i knew since i was in PI while some where people i knew but havent seen/met in real life. The freakin mood was just like before. Noisy yet just the way i wanted it to be. Friends chatting, boys teasing, a teacher discussing in front of the class. I felt i traveled back the time in this dream. It made me feel like a high school student again. Laughing with my friends, teasing my classmates, arguing with them, bickering with the dude i used to like a lot before. I was having such a great time. I even saw DEO sitting at the very back row with his friends. He was in the middle, more like hiding, and i bet people in front will not be able to see this little guy at the back. I was with my bestfriends too. We were at the very back as well but we were sittig near the windows. I often throw him some glances... prolly making sure he is still there. Idk. Flirting maybe? Lol am i really gonna call it like that?! Lol And then i went somewhere. When i got back to where my friends were sitting, they moved towards the front of the class. I only found my other two classmates there, they looked like a couple. I got embarassed and shocked to see them together so i hurried to where my friends are. I then looked outside our room ad saw some students passing by, i think N. ethridge was part of that group.lol so random right? Then suddenly i started singing 'Harana' while i think it was Ronald who accompanied me by playing a guitar. I was singing and looking to where DEO was sitting. I feel like i dedicate that sog for him. He was just there sitting, looking at me too. And then suddenly, someone yelled that the teacher was coming back again. I panicked! I stopped singing and kept on looking only to DEO's reaction... Then KABOOOM! it ended. I woke up. That was it. I didn't get to know why i had that dream. What's the meaning behind it? Why did DEO appeared? It made me think abt him again and my unrequited one-sided love for him since we were in grade2... It is so random! But i woke up and felt like today is going to be a great day. The good memories from before made me remember again that i used to be loved and i used to love other people before. I was happy. Now, i miss my highschool friends again... Can i travel back in time? I wanna spend time again with them!

i do not want to recieve another kind of this invitation because i dont want to say goodbye to anyone… Gawd i want to go to his memorial service so i can at least bid him a proper goodbye but i dont think they will expect me there to think that i am not close with him at all… I hope you are happy up there. I know you are with God and the angels and saints now… Be my angel too. this just made me sad again. I wished the notification i will get from him is a post saying ‘how are you?’ or even ‘who are you?’… Not an invitation to his memorial service. I regret not making a move to be one of his friends. He would have been a good best friend. Gawd i still cant believe he passed away already… Im going to miss you, my Blue :’(

Goodbye Blue, goodbye.

July 21, 2011. The day our dear God took him away from his loved ones. He died due to drowning in the river around 6pm… The kind boy with a gorgeous smile is now not with us… He is gone… forever. I had a big shock after reading a schoolmate’s facebook status abt his death. I was heartbroken after i saw it. I can’t believe it. I did not want to belive it at all. I went to check it on his FB and there i saw numerous wall posts saying ‘r.i.p. and/or we will miss you’… I wasn’t able to react well. I let out some tears drop because i cant understand what i was feeling at that moment. I was sad. I was tired. I was shocked. I was in denial. I was not in the mood to be strong. It was the saddest news i saw today. It was so unexpected and unwanted. The man i refer to as ‘my Blue Lan’ is now gone. I’ll never get to see him around the school’s campus again. No more pretty smiles and chinky eyes. No more ‘spying’ and ‘stalking’ for me. I’m gonna miss him tho we’ve never actually had conversations. Its just that i was and will be forever grateful to him for making me happy during the times i was having my major crush on him. From 2007, in my drama class til my previous college days, i will forever remember Mosha… Rest In Peace, my Blue… Be happy with our God and the angels in Heaven.