Iamkakasince1991 - Love, Life & Pain - Tumblr Blog

Day 748: 2 years and a day after the bad news...

Yesterday, my alarm went off reminding me that when the clock strikes at 11pm, it'll be the second year that phone call happened... was it second or third?... I wasn't sure. Even today, I'm still unsure. Yesterday, I was feeling so down and alone. I miss her more. I wanted to be with her so bad. I again felt like I am no one and that I am missing a big piece of the puzzle in my life. I was scared. I was so scared being alone... having no one beside me... Yesterday, all I wanted to do was to sleep and never feel this sadness ever again.  I was dying to talk to someone who sincerely wanted to listen to my sorrows... but I have no one. Since the day you left me, I had no one. I thought I have them but those were just my assumptions. I assumed they were there because they love me... unfortunately, they were there because they can't just throw me away. I'm like the leech sucking and pestering them. I am their biggest problem right now. Since the day you left me, I had no one.

Today, it still the same. I am still the problem child. The hopeless creature. The trash. The headache. I am still the unwanted. Since the day you left me, nobody wanted to take care of me. Nobody wanted to be with me. I wanted to follow you on your journey but I am coward. I am a coward. I can't do it. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is my fate. Maybe it's a punishment.

But until when am I going to be like this? Until when am I going to feel like this? Until when should I hold onto the idea that maybe someday they will understand me?

I miss you. I really do. I miss you more each day.  

Day 691: the typhoon that hit my family hard since last week

Today's the 16th of November. The 11th day since that scary night I had to stay in the ICU with my dad. i can still remember how difficult it was for me and everyone in the family to think correctly. i was in shock but i had to be an adult. friends were there to support the family but it was different. it was one of the scariest night i had where a decision has to be made. lots of prayers were asked. lots of wishes were received by the family. thankfully, we got through it. my champ didn't let us down. he was the fighter i never imagined he would be. he was our weakness and our source of strength this past few days. without him, i would have gone crazy. my dad was a survivor. i am so proud of him.

at this moment, i am sitting next to him. watching over him as he sleeps. it has been almost a week since i've been doing this and i will never get tired of doing this. as long as my dad is safe and healthy, i am willing to be his support as he goes through all the changes he had to face in the future because of his heart disease. i will forever be his daughter,his private nurse, mom's helper, and my sibling's guardian.

daddy, i know you will never read this post but i still want you to know that i am so proud of you. let's fight through this together with our whole family and friends. i wanna be there and cheer for you when you get back on track again. i wanna see you doing your hobbies again. i wanna be there when you are able to walk strongly again towards mommy. i wanna see you happy and smiling again. daddy, please get well soon. may you have a fast recovery so we can enjoy doing the good old stuff the five of us always do. i love you daddy! mommy, kuya, joy and i will always be here for you.❤❤❤

Day 579: If We Fall In Love...

Once every year, I put myself in this situation where I can't help but express several emotions all at once. I laugh. I feel giddy. I cry. I feel loved. I get bothered. I feel regretful. I hate. I curse. Dying to go back to the good old times. It's like a torture to myself. I do it since it makes me happy but at the same time I experience the pain that I went through just because I was stupid to fall in love with this person who never liked me. I try to go back to what we were like in the past. I check on you as if I have the right to do so. I feel as concerned as before.  I feel like I have to be sure you are okay. I do not care if I had to cry again or if we have to be in a fight again. All I want to know is... if you still remember those times too. I continue to wonder what could have happened if we fell in love with each other. What could have happened if we are still together as lovers if not as friends? Have you already forgotten everything that happened between us during those two years? Was there a time where you also think of me? Do you also experience this sadness and emptiness I always feel when thinking about those times? Can you not sleep as well? Do I remind you of the moon too? Do you also have the urge to talk to me just like how I am dying to see you again? I fell in love with you. Did you feel the same way about me too? Do you even care? Did you even care at all?

Sad enough, I know he has moved on already. I was nothing to him. I don't even know if he ever considered me as a friend. I don't know how much he hated me for being so immature. But I have an idea that we both hurt each other because of my stupidity.

In the end, I push myself to look forward again and stop reminiscing about the past. Two, three, four days and nights in a year is enough to feel miserable again. I wake up the next morning as if those two to four nights and days of thinking about you didn't happen at all.

I have to make sure I will put my feelings aside. Or else, I might ruin your happiness once again. I was always sorry for hurting you. I wonder if you were sorry to me, too. I want to hear your thoughts about all of this but I can't just say it to you. If given a chance in the future, I want to know everything. I know a lot of things had changed over the past 6 years; I don't want to hurt you again. I'll consider everything. I just hope you'll honestly tell me everything so that I don't have to feel this emptiness ever again and stop searching for the missing piece of my heart. As much as I  care about those memories, I want to be able to let go and move on too.

DAY 573: What happened? [20130720]

the first time i saw my reflection in the mirror after a very long time, i asked myself, "what happened? why did you let yourself be like this?"... i felt ashamed for not taking good care of myself. it's too late now. even if i try to make some changes, it will never be the same again. i guess this is my punishment. this is the result of my stupidity and laziness. i should be responsible but i was never like that. i'm sorry because i will never be beautiful. i am and will never deserve to receive anyone's compliment. i already have too much imperfections. i am too conscious of myself. i feel so little having so much insecurities and being so different from the "normal" people. i feel really scared to face others because society will eat me alive. i am not that strong yet. i still have a long way to go before i can confidently present myself to everyone. hopefully, by the time i accepted who i really am, someone will come into my life. i just wish one day that someone will find me, treasure me, and make me the most beautiful imperfect lady of his life...

Day541: i have so much hatred in me...

As i was checking my stuff, i realized i have so much hatred in most of my posts. I am scared that this monster will be freed from it's cage and cause more pain to the people around her...

Day 539: fckn thanks!

"congrats for ruining my day! u never fail to annoy me! fckn thank u for always bringing my self-esteem down the drainage!" (my tweet today)

it's funny that every time i am with you and i try to make it feel less awkward between us, you always find a way to rub salt on my wounds. thanks! keep doing it and i might let you see how miserable i become just coz i get affected by your kind words.

asdfghjkllove

Day 534: No connection...

It's been awhile since I last posted something in this blog. I realized I only visit it whenever I am feeling bad. Unfortunately, it's one of those gloomy days again. *sigh* 

So here it goes... I am upset! I am disappointed! I am selfish! I am hurt! There's no one to blame why I am feeling this way again but my self. I have been acting up again. I've been lazy. I haven't had a decent conversation with anyone for the past few days. It feels like I am back to being the cave woman that I used to be. No friends. No dreams. No goals. 

Is there any way to make me feel better? The selfish me can only think of one way... that is to get everyone's attention. I want them to focus on me. I want them to ask me how I am feeling. I want them to talk to me. I want them to listen to what I have to say. I want them to care...

Ugh! It's happening again. I don't want to be like this again. I need to get out of this darkness. I am tired of being sad like this. I do not want to be alone forever...

Day489: 22 and still searching for happiness...

On the 25th of April, after class I ate lunch with my friends from the nursing program. We went to Shogun had some sushi. As always, i had a (strawberry) margarita just coz i am with them. Tita Jo and Tita Janet gave me a purse. I was touched by their generosity for it has been awhile since i celebrated my bday with friends. Mylabs was there too. He actually greeted me when he saw me after their class. That time, i thought the world stopped spinning. It felt like it was just me and him. I was so giddy he actually went with us. I really thought he won't come. Thank god he did. It's a bonus! Lol And then on the 26th of April (yesterday), i celebrated my twin and I's 22nd birthday with the fambam. We had lunch at Red Lobsters. Then I watched Scary Movie 5 with my sister and Mark. I appreciate my family's effort to celebrate this day. Things would have been better though if Umpe was here too to celebrate my bday. It's the 2nd time already. I feel like I am missing something. And I know I will never have it. It will never be the same without you, Umpe ko. I try to be as positive like always but tonight i am feeling this emptiness more than ever. I love you and I miss you so much Umpe ko. Always and forever.

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Day 464: 6days before I add another year in my life...

I spent the day feeling so bored and in panic mode. I feel like I fucked up something. Or maybe I am just worried for it's only 6 more days before I turn 22. This means I hafta spend my whole life studying since I told myself a couple of years ago (or maybe that was last year) that I will focus in school IF I will not be able to find love before I turn 22 years old.

*sigh* what have I done this past few years? where's my prince charming? is he still on his way here? or did he gave up on me already?

boohoo! I know I still have 6 more days left but I think it's not enough anymore. I don't want to be hopeless. But at the same time, I feel like I am already a loser and I will never find my happiness.

Oh dear prince charming, wherever you are please send me a sign that you're still  and will still be waiting for me.... I am so eager to meet you. I want to enjoy a happily-ever-after with you on the remaining days of my life. I want to experience this love and feeling of security in everyone's talking about.

Day 389: the strong little angel

this past few weeks, i have been feeling so down. i think i am getting emotionally unstable (exaggerating it) day by day. the stress is killing me. everything is too overwhelming for me. i feel so alone, hopeless, and defeated already even though it is just the beginning. everytime i try to make my self feel better, these people disappoints me. they make me feel that i have no one toturn in to. i don't feel their support. they don't acknowledge me and it feels like they don't want to understand where i am coming from. i hate this feeling of having no one to talk to. i hate not having someone i can confide all my feelings. i hate not being able to express my frustrations and worries. i hate not getting support from the people i love. i hate not knowing what to do. i hate myself for being stupid, weak and trying hard. i hate myself for always thinking of giving up. And today, i feel so ashamed of myself. I met a little angel. This one deserves all the love, caring, and happiness anyone should experience. This one is a strong little one. I admire him for staying strong and keeping alive though this one had some traumatic challenges in his life. one day, i want to be like this angel. hopefully, everything will turn out well soon... for me... and for this little angel.

Day 365: A whole year after they broke the news to me...

last night, i saw the reminder on my itouch. it scared me that it has been a year already. i ended up crying the whole night while staring at your pictures. i tried to remember our last conversation but somehow i can't. i tried reminiscing my childhood days with you, but it was blurry. i felt so guilty that i ended up like this. i should have kept those memories alive until this day. i should have treasured them more. little by little i kinda remember some but i want to remember every single detail. i'm sorry. i'm sorry cause i was not able to keep my words. i'm sorry.

it has been a year already. a year since they broke the news to me. a year after i started our battle. that phone call that shattered me. that night that i felt so lost and weak. just by thinking about it gives me that same feeling of not being able to do anything for you. i cried again. i missed you more. i felt more guilty and worthless. i wonder when are we going to see each other again...

Umpe ko, i'm sorry cause i am still weak just like before. i'm sorry i am still crying. i'm sorry. mahal na mahal kita and i miss you so much. i am still thinking of you every day. i'm still hoping that one day i can make you proud of me. one day, i can make you smile. one day, i'm gonna be a better person for you.

i really miss you. i miss you more today. i even told mommy na it has been a year already and she said she remembers it too. we ended up being silent for awhile. i guess she miss you so much too. don't worry about her. i'll be here for her. i'll love her the way you loved her. we miss you both.

Umpe ko, please always be my side. please guide me and the family all the time. i love you. i am sure you are feeling no pain up there. somehow i am grateful because you are not suffering anymore. please promise me that you will always be happy up there. promise me that you are making beautiful memories up there. promise me that you will never cry again and that you'll always be safe up there.

i love you and i miss you so much Umpe ko, always and forever.

day 357: last day of 2012

goodbye 2012!

there were so many things that happened this year. i gained new friends. i learned new experiences. i was exposed to a new environment. i had another year spent with my family. i found an inspiration. i got my A.S. in Science. i got into the nursing program. a lot of happy memories happened and i am thankful for those. however, together with it, i also felt the worse pain ever. i cried the most. i lost the most important person in my life. 2012 is the year i became incomplete and i don't know when am i going to be whole again. i lost hope. i gave up in most of the challenges i had to face this year. i failed in most of my tests in school. i let go of the chances that would have made me a better person. i disappointed my parents over and over again throughout the year. i did a lot of mistakes and i regret doing all of it. if only i can undo my past, i'll do it. i'm so sorry for lacking so much in all areas in my life. i don't think i improved as a person. i don't remember making someone happy or proud of me. i think i did worse. despite everything that happened throughout this year, i don't want to forget any of those memories and mishaps. i hope i learned a lesson from those experiences...

i don't want to make another promise that i'll change for the better because it never happens. i just want to at least get by through life. i just want to live peacefully. i hope 2013 will be good to me. i'll try to do whatever i can. and this time, i want to find mr. right. i want to make my mommy and daddy happy. i want let my family know how thankful i am to have them and be in this family. i want to do good in the program. i want to meet new people and make friends. i want to be more mature. i want to gain more experiences. 2013, please help me make it through the whole year the way i got over 2012. make this a happy new year for me.

hello 2013!

Day 350: Christmas 2012

A year ago, I know we were on skype. We celebrated Christmas "together". I got to see your face. I got to hear your voice. I got to talk to you. We were both happy even thought we were a thousand miles away from each other. Tonight, I'll be spending Christmas without you for the very first time. I don't know how am I going to celebrate it without you. It feels like I am so incomplete without you. I'd rather be a thousand miles away from you knowing that we will be able to see and talk to each other again instead of you leaving me in this world. Umpe ko, i miss you so much. And on days like this, I tend to miss you more. I don't feel excited anymore. I always try to be happy but I always end up feelig bad. I feel guilty coz I never did anything good to make you happy. It feels like I do not deserve to be happy at all. Umpe ko, this will be my first Christmas without you. Ang sakit isipin na we won't be seeing each other for a long time. Ang sakit isipin na I have to live longer without you by my side. Umpe ko, masaya ba ang Christmas mo dyan? Umpe ko, namimiss ko din ba ako? Umpe ko, ano ba ang dapat kong gawin? Umpe ko, miss na miss na kita. Sana nandito ka pa din. Sana nakikita mo kung ano na ako ngayon. Sana nandito ka pa para makapag thank you pa ako sayo. Sana andito ka pa para makapag sorry din ako sa mga pagkukulang ko. Umpe ko, ang lungkot ng Pasko ko lalo na at di kita kasama. Pwede ba kahit ngayon lang ipaalala mo sa akin yung mga masasaya nating ginagawa tuwing Pasko. Ipaalala mo sa akin ang tunay na meaning ng Pasko. Ipaalala mo sa akin kung gaano mo ako kamahal. Umpe ko, miss na miss na kita. Sana kahit sa panaginip lang eh makasama kita ngayong gabi. Merry Christmas Umpe ko! I love you always and forever...

Day 348: Sweet dream or an illusion? 23 December 2012 I wonder what made me set this reminder. I wonder what was the reason behind this. Who am I talking about in this note? It surprised me when this reminder popped up on my screen last night. I wonder what's the meaning behind these words. Is there an important someone I need to remember and have a one on one conversation? Ugh this is killing me coz I don't have any idea who am I referring to in this note. Why did I not put your name or initials? But whoever you are, can you answer my questions? Is this just a dream or an illusion? Are we bound to meet each other at all?...

Before the world ends...

Yesterday was our final exam in MedSurg. I was really nervous coz I know I was in the boderline to get a B. Up until tonight, I am still worried about getting that B. I know I didn't do well on my ATI too. I feel disappointed of myself. Now, i hafta study harder not only for myself but also for my future patients. And then my worries were washed away after my two fave titas decided to go wine tasting after the test. It was my first time and i was fortunate to experience it with them. Mr. Cutie was there too. We even get to take pictures together. It was nice spending the whole day with the nicest and most sincere people I met from the nursing program. I enjoyed the wine, the view, the moments with each of them, and the smiles and laughters we shared together. I tried 5 different wines yesterday. they were good. it got me hot. i even stayed close to the wall just to make sure I won't fall back or stumble in front of these people. lol it was a good first time experience of drinking an alcoholic beverage. rhe fact that my labs was there made the experience more memorable. Mylabs made "akbay" pa nga and I was really shy at that moment coz idk how i should react. But he was really cool with it. i think he already discovered that i have a crush on him by the way i acted yesterday. lol idc anymore. i just love being around them coz they make me happy while i discover who i really am. I even got to look into his eyes every time he tells stories. his dimples are killing me. he is really the cutest. i can't wait to spend another day with them coz so far, it was one of the best experiences I had. And today, i had my last clinical rotation at RCH. We were very relaxed this morning except on the time when I was freaking out when my classmate was not able to pick me up. Hahaha that was scary. I thought i was going to be late and sent back home. Good thing we made it on time. Then the awesome Friday group had lunch together. It was nice. Good food and good stories were shared. Oh I also had my second alcoholic drink, the mango mango mojito. It was the best drink ever. It got me a little hot and dizzy but i managed to walk back to the parking lot without falling. I enjoyed it even though the whole group were laughing at me for being the "virgin" drinker LOL At about 1:30pm, we said our goodbyes. One thing I will never forget was Tart's goodbye. How I wish I can replay that moment so I'll catch up on his last words for me. I know he said something about drinking/ partying. Hahaha idk i think he is cute and really funny. I hope i'll be friends with the whole class soon! Second semester should be a good one too. I am so glad i did something unexpected and different yesterday and today. I enjoyed my time before the supposedly scheduled end of the world LOL. For now, I'm just gonna sit here in the couch to relax and enjoy my winter break :)

Day347: I SURVIVED!

21 December 2012 Many were saying today is the end of the world. Bahahaha it didn't happen. I doubt it will ever happen. I guess I AM REALLY A SURVIVOR! Also, today's the last day of my first semester. I am so lucky it was finally over. I feel like I can breathe again... even if it will be just for month. But at the same time, i feel sad coz i won't be seeing those precious people not until next month. *sigh* I won't be able to see mylabs and tart too. Uh oh can i overcome this one too??

Shit babies are making me feel guilty for not doing good in school... Oppa~~ I'll be a good student now from now on :)

BIGBANG want you to study

how come every time i see you, my heart skips a beat?

Ahh i don’t know why i am being like this again. I should have controlled myself and didn’t let this happen. Now, i’m stuck AGAIN! and to be honest, i don’t want to feel hurt again because of a fucking one-sided love.

Have I told you how easily you can make my day complete? And when i’m having troubles, hearing just your name, makes everything seems okay… Lucky bastard!

I think I’m falling for the wrong person again. I’d be lucky if you’ll know of my existence. I don’t want to expect anything coz i’ve been there.

Just please let me keep this happiness and giddiness i feel whenever i see you… Allow me to make you as my inspiration while I go through this hardship…

I will not ask for your love; your friendship is enough for me :)

If only I can express my feelings in a way you will understand me... *sigh* I feel so pathetic for acting up like this all the time coz I know you'll never set your eyes on me... I guess I just have to accept that you'll never be mine.