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𝑆ℎ𝑒／𝐻𝑒𝑟 | 18

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Cry Me A River | The Broken

cry me a river | the broken

— summary: once someone's been taught to stay quiet their whole life, how do they learn to scream and shout for help?

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 11.1k

— warnings: implied sexual harassment/abuse, implied forceful age-gap relationship, mentions of predatory acts/character, mentions of memory suppression, resurfacing of suppressed memories, implied forced submission, gaslighting, manipulation, mentions of breaking, mentions of toxic family relations, toxic power dynamics, suppressed emotions, brief mention of miscarriage, violence, slight gore

— PART 13 / previous post / masterpost

“Will you help me with the zipper?”

The light-colored champagne dress you wear fits you beautifully, just as everything does, yet tonight you seem to look a bit more elegant and dignified, the lighter color creating a more pure and soft look as compared to the darker dresses he’s gotten used to seeing you wear. This is part of the play. After all, in order to seem innocent before Hwang Leehyun, you have to look the part.

As he helps you with the zipper, Taehyung doesn’t know how to feel about you dressing up for a man like Leehyun.

You give him a small thanks before turning to the vanity mirror and taking a seat in order to fix your hair and makeup. The first thing you do is brush through your hair while Taehyung stands on the sideline, watching you. You bring a fancy hairpin along your hair, holding it up into a low bun, then turn towards the makeup kit to begin patting your face down.

The beauty comes along and when you reach a certain step, you frown slightly at the eyeliner in your hand.

You’ve always had Dasom handle your makeup and playing with eyeliner is something you have yet to get used to. But she did always mention using a sharp-lined corner as a guideline to help you through in case she wouldn’t be around to help you.

You look around before putting a leg up against the vanity, rolling your dress up to take the knife you had hidden against your thigh, and Taehyung watches with slight confusion as you line the edge of the knife along your eye.

He meets your eyes in the reflection of the mirror when you use the knife as a guide to create your wings, your gaze intense with a fire he has yet to get used to.

He’s first to rip away from the contact, feeling rather flustered at how..hot that was.

Respectfully.

“Shall we get going?” When you stand up and hold your hand out for him a few minutes later, Taehyung has to take a moment to take your appearance in. No matter how much time has passed, your beauty will always shine bright, but in the past months he’s met you again after a couple of passing years, you only seem to shine even brighter.

“Don’t get too carried away now,” you say and he realizes he got caught staring.

Taehyung clears his throat as he takes your hand and leads you to the door, not entirely fond of the fact that this is all for the sake of a sick bastard.

“As expected you are…” the second Leehyun sees you, he can’t help but fall into a slight daze, “..beautiful.” He speaks with a sighing breath as if he can’t believe what he’s seeing before him, and Taehyung’s stance straightens at those words, his eyes hardening at Leehyun.

Perhaps this is why you didn’t allow your Reapers in on this mission. Would they be able to hold themselves back for their boss? Even he’s having a hard time restraining himself.

Leehyun reaches out to lightly brush a strand of hair to the side and when he leans into you, you can feel Taehyung’s hold of your hand tightening. “I can’t wait to become a family,” he whispers, and perhaps to others, he truly adores his future daughter-in-law in an innocent way but to you and Taehyung, those words only bring chills down your spines.

“Father, Y/N.” Hyunjin steps in to the rescue, allowing his father to back away at the call of your names. “The guests have all arrived, we should get going.”

“Right.” He seems a bit disappointed at the moment ripped away from him but the three of you do not care for it as you turn to stand by Hyunjin’s side.

Taehyung takes a second to look at Hyunjin, who gives him silent words of reassurance, before he takes his leave from the potential newly made family. He walks away to join the room full of guests, blending into the crowd with cautious eyes staring at his surrounding.

“I don’t think you would have been able to hold yourself back if you were in my position,” he says the instant Jimin pulls up to his side, offering him a glass of champagne.

“Well,” Jimin hums, “it was bad enough just listening in on the conversations, I can only imagine.”

“He’ll die soon enough,” Yoongi speaks up with eyes staring straight towards the fancy door that hides the three of you from the eyes of the guests.

Soon enough they open with the sight of Hwang Leehyun with a proud grin on his face, the one that hides his sinister self, hidden from the public to see. And hidden from the eyes of Leehyun and his men are the men of Bangtan blended in with the crowd, watching with steady eyes as he opens his mouth with a prepared speech at hand.

“I thank you for coming here on short notice..” he begins and his voice trails off for Hoseok as he walks about discreetly, watching the room to see if anything is amiss.

There are two guards by the entrance door, three men upstairs keeping an eye on the room, and a few more in the room, dressed in black suits with earpieces connecting them to one another for communication purposes.

If anything happens, you’re the last person they’ll think to harm, especially with Hyunjin and Leehyun by your side so he doesn’t need to worry about your safety for the beginning portion of all of this.

You’ll be alright…for now.

“I ask that you protect her well,” Mingyu’s voice echoes in his head. “Whatever you do, do not stop her, however…save her…if it so gets to that point.”

In the beginning, he couldn’t understand what those words meant. They lied heavy with great responsibility and although Hoseok knew he would have obliged them without Mingyu having to say it, now that he understands the context of things, it only makes him sick to the stomach.

The things you went through when you left them can only be left to their imaginations and for your sake, Hoseok hopes you can keep strong.

He saw how much you’ve changed, the strength in you different from how it was during the three years he got to know and love you. You have a sort of strength that seems almost impossible to break, your thoughts and mind plagued with only the desire to seek revenge for those that have wronged you.

But even the strongest villains in the world can break down and fall apart.

What if something goes wrong down this line? What would happen then?

“Please welcome my future daughter-in-law,” he hears Leehyun say, and you come into sight, a dignified beauty beyond compare.

You’re beautiful, glowing brightly under the chandelier lights, and he knows that everyone else in the room is thinking the very same thoughts. When you grace them with a smile, you only shine brighter, and before they can approach you with congratulations and introduce themselves, they have to take a moment of breath to take your beauty in.

You’re beautiful.

Hoseok looks around the room to find Namjoon who stands from afar, his stare blank. To anyone, he looks as if he holds no emotions on his face, but Hoseok knows better than that.

He’s mesmerized yet at the same time, worried.

They all share the same thought, he realizes, when he finds the rest of them.

Leehyun will die tonight but what price would you have to pay in order to reach that goal?

Will you be alright?

“How long until the wedding? Will you hold a formal party or will there only be a private signing of papers?” When the question is asked, you take a glance at Hyunjin, who chuckles lightly in response.

“Our Y/N here is shyer than she seems so for her sake, we’ll keep the process private and quick.”

“And besides, the quicker the process, the faster we get to be family.” You don’t know why Leehyun agrees to Hyunjin so quickly but when he lands a hand on your shoulder, you can only think about how uncomfortable you’re feeling.

The guest at hand laughs with ignorance. “You’re lucky such a beauty will become a member of your family.”

“Yes, indeed I am.”

You discreetly glance over at Hyunjin when his father squeezes your shoulder as he continues speaking to the guest as if you were the one he was presenting as his potential wife.

It’s irritating.

Disgusting.

Hyunjin reaches over to take you back when someone calls for his attention.

“May I have a moment with you?” They ask, and Hyunjin hesitates with a glance your way, enticing a chuckle out of the guest. “Come on now, Hyunjin, I know you’re eager to marry such a beauty but you’ll get her the rest of your life so let me steal you for a moment, yeah?”

You give Hyunjin a small nod to let him know that it was alright to leave your side, and although he continues his debate in his head, he’s eventually dragged off away and out of sight from you, leaving you to converse with more guests with Leehyun by your side.

“Are you tired?” After a few more minutes, he asks you the question which causes you to look up with a small huh. Leehyun grins your way, an innocent smile, but you know better than that. “You don’t do too well with crowds, do you? I think you should take a break. Here, let me get you out of here.”

He takes your hand without hesitating another beat and your heart quickens slightly as he begins dragging you off.

You feel eyes on you, alerted, but you signal Taehyung with a shake of your head, letting him know that he shouldn’t follow you.

If you’re going to do this properly, you can’t expose your weakness just yet.

He can’t stop you. None of them can.

And so you’re led to a door with a guard just outside, opening it for you, and Taehyung watches as the door closes with you and Leehyun on the other side, left alone together.

He bites his inner lip, anxious.

“Water?” Leehyun offers but you shake your head politely, remaining stood by the door as he walks further in to take a seat on one of the fancy comfortable chairs in the room. “Is it draining?” He asks after taking a sip of his drink. “I know you aren’t someone who likes staying in the presence of a crowd much, especially when you’re at the center of attention.”

Why is he speaking to you so casually? As if nothing about him is wrong?

No, this is how it’s always been, hasn’t it?

“I can endure it,” you answer him and he chuckles lowly in response.

“That’s right. You’ve always been so good at enduring things.” Your finger twitches at those words so you keep them hidden behind you, keeping the beat of your heart steady. “When this is all over, we’ll finally be a family, just the way I hoped many years ago.”

Many years ago.

Those years…you never want to remember anything from it.

“You can’t leave me now, Y/N,” he says and you keep silent. “Hyunjin seems to have taken a liking to you and he’s a bit more observant than he was then but he doesn’t have to know. Everything can still be kept a secret between the two of us.”

Secret.

You never did try to conceal anything. Back then you didn’t care whether you were hurt or not. All you knew was surviving and if that meant letting others hurt you, you did what you had to do. Hyunjin was the one who found out on his own and in turn, as a sincere apology for his ignorance, he left the country and took his father along with him.

He was and has always been a sincere man, unlike his father. Even though you knew he cared for you in some ways, he never did anything to force you to do things for him. He could have done anything and everything with you if he so wanted but he didn’t because unlike everyone else around you, he was human.

He had morals he abided by and always treated the people around him with respect.

If you had spoken up about your struggles then, perhaps you would have gotten hurt less.

“Have you taken a liking to Hyunjin as well?” Leehyun tsks lightly as he stands from his seat, walking slowly over to you with a small shake of his head as if liking your soon-to-be fiancé isn’t ideal. “That’s kind of a shame. You’ve always been a good little girl, haven’t you? You’ll listen to me still, won’t you, pretty girl?”

You stare at the ground, hating every bit of this, every little nickname he gives you, that glint in his eyes, everything.

“Eyes on me when I’m talking to you,” Leehyun commands in a tone that threatens to resurface your buried memories. He holds your chin up to force your eyes to meet his. “You’re not thinking about telling Hyunjin everything, are you?”

Your brows furrow.

“He’d never believe you, you know. Why would he? I could just tell him you came onto me.”

“What?”

“Hyunjin’s my son. Why would he believe you over me?”

He doesn't understand anything, does he? Years ago he threatened you like this as well, though years ago it didn’t matter much because you didn’t care to tell anyone about anything. You were already far gone, not able to trust strangers.

Hyunjin could have saved you sooner than he did but you kept quiet.

Once someone’s been taught to stay quiet their whole life, how do they learn to scream and shout for help?

Hyunjin came to earn your trust when he proved his good heart by leaving the country for you, but even then you remember being in a state in which nothing mattered. Whether you were hurt or not, you couldn’t care about anything but pleasing your father and becoming stronger than you were then.

You endured through everything with a blank heart, mind falling into a state you aren’t be able to recall memories from. You remained quiet for the longest time.

Still, his tone threatens to shake your core. You can feel something building up inside of you, something not so good. It’s as if all the weights you thought had disappeared are all coming back up at the same time.

Father’s face reappears in your mind, his threatening gaze so dark and cold whenever he looks your way. All you ever were to him was a puppet in the making. He wanted you to grow up loyal and obedient only to him, to become strong and powerful, and if gaining strength meant enduring through all the things others did to you, he didn’t care to bat an eye your way, even as you were thrown to the wolves.

No.

He threw you to the wolves.

So of course he never cared what the wolves did to you in return. All he cared about was you returning to his side, whether that meant alive or not. He didn’t care for your survival, for your life or death.

If you came back with strength, that just meant feeding you to more wolves until you grew strong enough on your own.

Until you returned to bite the hand that fed you.

It’s a wonder he never saw your betrayal coming.

“We should return,” you say against the silence that befalls the room, making up an excuse. “If we stay here for any longer, the guests will wonder where we’ve gone.”

You turn to put a hand on the doorknob when Leehyun’s hand takes over yours. You restrain yourself well to not flinch at his touch, only retracing your hand back silently. He watches you while your eyes remain still before you, and when he opens the door, Leehyun holds your shoulder once again.

You hate every bit of this.

“Mr. Hwang.” Not even two strides out the door and someone approaches him.

You recognize the voice and when you look up, it’s indeed Namjoon who had decided to walk up to the two of you with Jungkook by his side, acting as a bodyguard more than an important figure.

Leehyun grows surprised at the sight, not expecting a man like Namjoon to have come to London, not to mention his son’s engagement party. He speaks up, bringing him into a conversation as you stay there, silent.

You can feel Jungkook’s piercing gaze on you, a silent question on the tip of his tongue as if wondering if you were alright and if Leehyun had done anything to you.

You weren’t alright, not alright at all. He didn’t do anything but it sure feels as if he did. You hate the touch of his hand on your bare shoulders, his skin burning against you like touching the spike of a porcupine but being forced to not flinch away.

Every part of your body screams to push him away as it prickles with disgust, a tremor waiting to reveal itself but you know how to handle it, you know when not to show your weaknesses before others. You’ve been taught your whole life to conceal all that you feel after all.

What more is a few minutes?

When father was around, he instilled the practice well into your head, engraving it as if a burning metal pressed hotly against your skin, the mark there to stay forever.

That’s what Leehyun’s touch feels like; a hot iron burn that will remain forever even if he does manage to leave you alone.

Hyunjin, where’s Hyunjin?

Hyunjin isn’t anywhere in sight so despite the fact that there are two people here who are on your side, you know they can’t do anything to rip Leehyun’s touch off you.

The voices spoken between him and Namjoon fade in and out as your eyes shake, looking around for something, anything, when you catch the sight of a hand held out to you, grabbing your attention back forcefully from your moment of frantic.

You look up to find Namjoon right before you, his hand held out expectedly as one would when meeting someone for the first time. “It’s nice to meet you, miss Y/N,” the words slip easily from his lips.

Right.

Despite the fact that the two of you were wed once upon a time, no one knows of your relationship. You were kept a secret for the longest time. Mother’s pregnancy was announced the moment the two red lines appeared on the stick, her eyes bright with delight and hope, you remember the maids saying. But her happiness and joy were forcefully ripped away from her when the doctor congratulated her on the news of carrying a baby girl.

It wasn’t what mother wanted. It wasn’t what father wanted. It wasn’t what anyone wanted.

The congratulation that left the doctor’s mouth was the very reason his tongue was cut off and later killed by the order of your mother.

She wanted to get rid of you the instant she knew of your gender but she kept you. A part of her probably hoped you’d grow up competent, prove her wrong, prove the world — father wrong, that you’d be her pride and joy and she wouldn’t have to care about your gender.

Meanwhile, father was already letting the world know that her pregnancy was a fail, that she had a miscarriage. You were deemed a mistake before he even saw you, but he allowed the only thing mother had left to keep to herself with promising words of not wanting to have anything to do with you.

The birth was risky and mother grew severely depressed, affecting even more of her health, until eventually her blooms wilted away and the last thing you saw of her was her disgusted eyes filled with hatred towards you.

You ruined her. Your very own mother.

Father was heartless but he turned you into his little puppet to hold and manipulate the strings of. You followed his every word whether willingly or not. After all, a puppet has no control over its own strings. They only do and say what the puppetmaster wants them to. You were no exception.

He kept you a secret until the end, only sharing you with the people close to him but even then, he never cared to pay you any attention unless it was to use you as a pawn.

That’s why you grew to shy away from the crowd, hating every bit of attention on you. Yoongi told you that it could never be, that no matter where you go, eyes will always follow you, it’s only inevitable. Your beauty is like the bright light for the moth, he said, meant to attract attention no matter what you do.

You held onto his words dearly and keep them still because he’s right. You will never be able to truly blend into the crowd as you wish and you let that fall to your advantage once you learned to manipulate others in the same way father had.

Like father, like daughter.

You may hate your father but no matter what anyone says, the two of you share blood and a part of him will always be instilled in your veins.

You hate every part of the truth.

“..It’s nice to meet you,” you finally say after a heartbeat, holding your hand out to shake Namjoon’s hand.

You linger a little longer, grip tighter than it should for a casual handshake, hoping, praying, in your silent cry, for him to hold onto you just as tight and yank you out of Leehyun’s grip. It’s a silent plea you don’t realize you’re doing when your ex-husband watches you attentively. Anyone would think nothing of it but you see the slight furrow between his brows, the way his mouth protrudes in just the slightest unnoticeable way.

You want him to take you away, to save you.

But before anything can happen, it’s you who forces your hand away from his first as if waking from your moment of daze, remembering what you’re doing and why you’re here.

You can’t forget your revenge for a moment of peace. Peace has to come after the storm, not before, otherwise the fight and the war will be for naught. You can’t get caught up with a small glimpse of hope. You’re already here in this room, held against Leehyun, you can’t back down now.

Revenge revenge revenge.

This is all for the revenge.

Namjoon can sense something is wrong, wondering whether you can still keep yourself upright for the sake of the mission, but when you retract from his hold, he squeezes his hand that’s held in mid-air after you left him, returning it back to his side.

“I didn’t know you were the daughter of the Grim Reaper,” he says, keeping up the font of your father still alive and striving well and not six feet under or burned into crispy ashes. He isn’t sure what you’ve done to your father’s body and he doesn’t really want to know.

Something about the relationship gives him a bit of suspicion but he can only base that on what he’s seen. What he’s heard tells him a different story. You’ve never smeared your father’s name before him, even in death, in fact, you tell him he’s treated you well throughout your life but what if all of that is a lie, just as a lot of things about you? You feign your smile before others, picking up an arrogant aura, fake the way you welcome each and every attention that falls your way when you walk into a room.

What if what you’ve told them about your father has also been a lie?

“Father has always been overprotective about my identity,” you tell him, something that sounds so believable yet so false at the same time.

What if you got rid of him not because you were “bored” but because you were forced to? Because that was the only way to freedom you’d ever earn? Because there was no other choice? What if everything about you in those three years they spent with you were all nothing but lies?

No. You’ve always been truthful and honest.

He can still remember looking into your eyes and always seeing the sincerity in them, how nothing in this world felt real except the sincere eyes that you always gave him. He didn’t believe in anything but your eyes were the only thing he knew that could never lie to him. Anything else, anyone else would but you…you never lied to him.

Yet as he stands here now, he thinks that perhaps he had been naive all along. There was always a part of you that you’d hide from them after all, no matter how much they tried to edge you on, reminding you that they loved and cared for every part of you so that you would be willing to open up. They shared their secrets, their deepest insecurities with you. But before he could ever cut open your heart and see what was inside, he broke the ties between you and the rest, divorcing you all too soon.

“That reminds me,” you look at him with a small smile, as if you were that shy little girl who always hid behind him whenever strangers were to try a spark a conversation with you, “I hope you can still keep this a secret. The people here don’t truly know of my identity but because you’re from Korea, it’s a whole different story. So for the sake of my father’s wrath and to conceal his kind heart, I ask that you not mention any part of meeting me and announce it to the world.”

What if the reason your father kept your identity a secret is not because he loves you so dearly but because he hates everything about you?

He wants to doubt the sincerity you held for him in those three years he cared for you. Still, Namjoon says, “Of course. You have my word.”

“Thank you, Mr. Kim.” When you give him a small bow of a nod as a way to thank him, you don’t allow your head to look back up so he’s left with only seeing your hair which conceals any emotions on your face.

You suddenly feel so small, as if the acting is beginning to take a toll on you and you’re starting to believe in this fantasy. As if Namjoon indeed doesn’t know you, as if you’re still that hopeless, pure little girl who’s been shut out from the world, as if you will indeed marry into the Hwangs and be trapped in a cage with the keys lost to the sea.

You wish Mingyu was here so that his presence can calm your racing heartbeat. You wish you could hear him with an intercom connecting his voice to your ears. You wish he could remind you to breathe, that you needn’t worry because he’s watching every step you make, that if anyone were to put you in harm’s way, Dasom’s bullet will pierce right into the skull of their heads.

You want to feel Dasom’s sniper watching you, you wish Yuna’s lingering gaze never left, and plunge yourself into drinking all of Yeonjun’s tea to end all the nerves that are screaming at you to break away from Leehyun’s hold.

To breathe.

To run away and find your safe place; in your Reaper’s safehold.

But you can’t because you’ve shut them out, told them to not interfere with your plans, to not stop you no matter what happens.

You don’t realize the Reapers are still watching you through Bangtan’s gaze, still ignorant to the fact that Mingyu had walked into their headquarters and dropped his head before Namjoon, asking them to protect you until the end, to save you if necessary. You don’t realize their protectiveness has been asked of to be replaced by Bangtan.

You don’t see Jungkook’s watchful gaze on you while Namjoon has Leehyun distracted in a conversation that falls deaf to his ears, careful in making sure Leehyun doesn’t mistake his watchful gaze on you and hide you away in response.

You don’t see the way the corner of Jungkook’s lip twitches, or the way he tries not to fiddle with his fingers in anxious thought of how this night will end but fails miserably. You don’t realize Jimin’s anger when he sees you held against Leehyun, standing by and watching with Yoongi as they recall the voices of conversations exchanged between you and Leehyun through Taehyung’s hidden mic.

You don’t see the way Taehyung rushes into the crowd, eyes scanning for a familiar figure to force him to return to your side otherwise he may snap and ruin the plan you so forced your Reapers away for.

But something goes wrong when he catches sight of the said man he placed his trust in to keep you safe. Hyunjin stands with a lower subordinate by his side, who whispers unheard words into his ear. Something’s wrong when he feels Taehyung’s gaze on him and looks up, his eyes hardening with a warning on the tip of his tongue.

Taehyung feels his mouth drying and when he snaps his head back at where you should be standing with Leehyun, Namjoon and Jungkook, but all that’s left are Namjoon and Jungkook without the other two figures in sight.

His eyes scan around the area, flashing with alarm as the words of Mingyu repeat in his head; “Don’t ever leave her side, no matter what. Don’t ever leave her alone with Leehyun.”

He knows you more than Taehyung does, probably knows every little secret you hold dearly within the thick walls you’ve built around yourself. He’s witnessed what you’ve been through, understands your responses and how to react to them, knows how to deal with every situation he’s faced with.

Taehyung doesn’t know anything. He has a clue but clues are useless and right now you’re missing, out of sight, and he feels as if the storm is coming sooner than it should. At a fast pace at that.

“Where’s Y/N?” He quickly asks the two boys who were last seen with her. The big boss gestures to two doors that lead away from the room where the party is held and grows irritated because he remembers all the doors in this house during his time here and that door does not lead to a private room. That room leads to a hallway into the unknown. “Why would you leave her out of your sight? I look away for one second to find Hyunjin and—”

“She asked us to let her go,” Jungkook cuts him off, his brows furrowed as he nips at his lower lip, a habit he does often when he’s anxious. “When Leehyun began to lead her away, she shook her head when we tried to stop him.”

They’re not supposed to stop you, they’re not supposed to do anything when you don’t give an order to. This is your revenge after all, your mission, so anything you say takes top priority but for once Taehyung wishes they hadn’t listened to your stupid demands and stopped you right then and there.

He understands Mingyu’s dilemma to a certain extent now. He might not know everything but he knows enough to understand that your underboss had every right to worry.

But right now he doesn’t have time to worry, to snap at the boys for letting you go. Right now he needs to find you and fix the situation before anything gets out of control.

“They’re filing in,” Hoseok’s voice walks into the intercom. Taehyung looks around to find him somewhere beside Seokjin, his voice discreet as if he were conversing in a friendly conversation with Seokjin rather than all of them. He doesn’t approach them for suspicions of their activity. “There are more of them now than there were minutes ago.”

The only guards, besides a few of them to avoid suspicion, should be Hyunjin’s people. He guesses this was what was exchanged between Hyunjin and the person beside him then.

Something’s definitely out of place.

Taehyung looks across the room to find Hyunjin making his way towards in, eyes meeting his as he speaks. “They’ve caught onto us.”

Four words simple enough to bring a shuddering rain crawling against their skin.

Namjoon keeps calm like the leader he is, knowing how to deal with situations like this due to experience. He can feel their gazes on him once the dreaded words leave Hyunjin’s lips, looking towards their alpha leader to give them direction and lead them to do what he thinks would save them from the situation.

He turns to Taehyung and speaks. “Find another way in that leads through those doors and take Yoongi with you.”

“Do you know what I hate the most in this world?” Leehyun speaks calmly under the flickering light of the cold basement where he led you to after following a maze you probably won’t be able to remember the way of. The men he walked past stand just outside the door, leaving you alone with him once again.

But this time there’s no one you can run to if something goes wrong, there’s no safety in knowing just outside the doors, you can cry for help and the crowd will look towards your call, glaring confused stares at Leehyun’s way.

It reminds you of a place you haven’t been to in a long, long time; the White Room.

Where you were held against your will, crying and begging for someone to help but the only people who stood outside were the guards who fell deaf to your cries. Even if the doors didn’t keep your screams in, you know they wouldn’t have helped you either.

It’s a bit different though, in lots of ways. This room is darker, lit up only by a flickering lightbulb held up by a string just above your head. You aren’t alone either, the perpetrator is here with you, keeping his watchful gaze on you, and you’re held bound by itchy ropes that are so bulky any movement against them forces prickling needles into your skin, sat on a lone wooden chair.

It’s cold though, in the same way the White Room had always been.

“I’ve told you before, haven’t I? You’re a smart girl, go on and repeat those words to me,” Leehyun prompts you and to anyone, it sounds as if he were speaking to someone precious, a gentle nudge towards a child who needs to be reminded of the rules she just broke while remaining stern. You hate how he treats you.

Still, you chant out the words as if under a spell. You can’t ignore him for some reason, as if remembering how you were with him years ago, unable to disobey anything that he says or does. Your body remembers even if your mind tries to forget.

“When people touch the things that belong to you.” It tastes bitter against your mouth but you give him nothing to read on your expressionless face.

Just as they always were years ago.

“That’s right,” Leehyun nods. He crosses his arms against his chest. “So what happened?”

“I held Mr. Kim’s hand.”

“And?”

“I let him steal my attention.”

“And?”

“...” You hesitate for a moment, just a split moment because you know Leehyun hates it when people don’t answer him right away. “I allowed you to fall into my foolish traps. Made you believe in my lies and hid behind the protection of your very own son.”

“My very own son.” You aren’t sure the exact moment when he realized it but perhaps in the process of thinking you held him wrapped around your finger, he was the one who had control of everything. You were foolish to think you could easily execute your plans without any mishaps. “Did you come to London in the hopes of taking your revenge on me?” He asks. “Are you here to kill me?”

The anxiety is felt clearly along your body. You aren’t sure why you’re like this when you thought you’ve trained yourself well enough to face your opponents but you guess trauma will always return to you and remind you of how you dealt with things no matter how much time has passed. You’ve returned to the doll that you were before father died.

At this moment right here, you’re the same person you were when you were with Leehyun years ago; obedient, robotic, dull, and blank.

Habits are scary.

“..Would it upset you if I said yes?” But unlike those times, the emotions are clear and you’re unable to repress them in the way your body did then. You can feel the heavy weight sitting on your chest, something constricting your airway in order to make it harder to breathe, and the slight little trembles against your body which you’ve always done so well to hide.

He laughs and you remain still. “What happened to your father? Did you get rid of him?” He asks rather than answering your question. He knows your answer and you know his. “You hold your head up high now, flirt easily, acting arrogant and mighty.”

“I killed him,” you answer fluently.

He laughs again, this time with a bit of a surprise, as if he can’t believe the girl he knew then would have been capable of killing her own father. You always followed your father’s words as if they were law, never going against him no matter what he asks of you, like a trained puppet. When did you escape from those strings? When did you gather the courage to leave?

Or perhaps you were the one playing with his strings all along, pretending to be a good little doll for the sake of catching him off guard and killing him when he least expects it.

“I see,” Leehyun nods, his laugh fading away as he thinks about it. If you’re capable of killing your father, a ruthless and merciless man, then you’re capable of killing him. Still, Leehyun wants to see your skills and wants to witness just how powerful you’ve become.

He takes three long steps back, arms uncrossing to be held behind him, eyes watchful as he calls for his men to come in. Ten muscular men walk in ready at the command of their boss while you remain sitting on the chair in the middle of the room, limps bound by strong ropes that cut through your skin whenever you make even the slightest movement.

“Why don’t you show me your skills then, sweetheart? I want to see how this little girl could have possibly taken down the Grim Reaper.”

It isn’t a request, it’s an order.

And when the men draw in on you, you have no other choice but to comply with Leehyun and give him a show.

You force your body back to push the chair onto the hard floor, causing it to collide and break into pieces, allowing your body to no longer be bound by the chair.

Someone swings a weapon your way but you duck right on time, headbutting him the second you’re given the chance. Someone else reaches for your arm and forces you to jump, you manipulate your body to fall against another man as you kick your feet forward at the man who wanted to take your arm.

Your hairpin falls from your hair, forcing the sight of your clear vision to fall a bit hazy, distracted by strands of hair, but you pay it no mind as you snatch the hairpin from the floor with your teeth, getting a bit of your hair in between. Leehyun marvels at how it turns into a sharp weapon of some sort.

Your body moves fluidly like the leaves against the wind, like the tide meets the beach, crashing against the enemies, manipulating every movement while using his men at your disposal.

He grows irritated at how weak they are against a smaller figure, a girl, who still has her hands and legs tied.

You use the sharpness of your hairpin to take the binds off your ankles when you get the chance, allowing your feet to then kick freely at whoever tries to come at you. They don’t stand a chance, and Leehyun realizes the person your father tried so hard to train is now laughing back at him.

He called you useless, weak, incompetent, but the person he sees now is anything but.

How had your father thrown such a sparkling gem away without knowing your potential? In those years he knew of you, you held some skills your father forced you to take but now he realizes a lot of things you’ve been hiding in those years. Even back then when you were less skilled than you are now, you did everything your father asked of you perfectly. Whatever mission he asked of you, you finished it and came back in one piece. Whatever person he asked you to take down, you returned just as well.

Your father created a monster.

A beautiful, powerful monster.

Did he ever realize your strength before he died by your hands?

When his men lay dead on the floor, your chest heaves hard as you stand in the middle, a cut on your face, a long gash along your leg, and although you should be falling down exhausted, you remain standing as you stare down at him with eyes that could very well belong to a beast.

You still have your hands tied behind your back, hairpin held against your teeth.

Perhaps this is your way of showing him your strength has yet to reach its maximum level.

For a moment, he’s genuinely afraid of the one before him. And when you force yourself to hurl at him, he doesn’t have time to think before the sharp hairpin stabs him right against his side, allowing a cry of pain to leave his lips.

You don’t keep the hairpin in, forcing it out because you know pressure against a wound helps to keep the blood in. You want it out.

When you see Leehyun’s legs giving out, you take that opportunity to kick the doorknob off the door with a harsh and forceful kick, opening it with a loud bang, and without a moment of hesitation, you run and run, trying to remember the path Leehyun took when he brought you in here.

Along the run, you take a big leap, jumping to allow your hands to rope from underneath your legs in order to be held before you rather than behind. You take the knife that had been hidden under your now torn dress, cutting the stingy rope and returning the hairpin to hold your hair back in place.

Your dash is mad while your eyes frantically look around, trying to calculate every movement, recalling the memories of what you saw when you followed Leehyun down here. You can hear the thunder of Leehyun’s feet just behind you and know that getting lost will risk you your life.

You can’t die now, not yet. You still have people to kill and although you told Hoseok dying is trivial and you don’t care how or by who, you don’t wish to die at the hands of a predator. Not here, not in the maze of his basement.

So you allow your brain to work, eyes snapping at every new corner that has a fork in the road, taking the turn you think you remember until eventually, you hear a call. Two calls.

“Y/N!”

“Y/N, where are you?!”

It’s Taehyung and Yoongi.

You never thought you’d ever say that you would be relieved to hear the voices of your ex-lovers again but here you are, body almost giving in at just the sound of their voices. But you know better than that. You know you aren’t safe just yet.

Luckily your brain hadn’t failed you and luckily you find the familiar silhouettes of your ex-lovers as you run and run, unable to slow down at any given moment. For now, they are your safety net, for now, you aren’t alone.

You run towards the warmth of their presence, letting out a breath of relief, when a hand snatches your hair and pulls you clean off your feet.

You let out your first yelp of pain as you go down and before Taehyung and Yoongi can take another step forward, you feel the head of a gun to your temple and watch as they visibly freeze on the spot.

The sight of you is alarming; the tight straps of your dress fallen over your shoulder, one of them snapped into two, a cut on your cheek, disheveled hair, the skirt of your dress torn to reveal your legs where one of them has a gash along your skin. You ran without shoes, heels long forgotten somewhere along the line, the soles of your feet shattered in cuts and swollen red.

You wince at Leehyun’s forceful fistful of your hair, teeth clenching tightly, and the two before you almost wince along with you.

“Should I just end it here?” Leehyun says, his lips so close to your ear it brings a chill down your body. You hate how cold it is here. “You came to kill me, didn’t you? So why don’t I bring you along to hell with me? We belong together after all. You’re mine.”

You scoff at those words, shaking your head in order to keep his lips away from your ear but he forces you back in an instant. “You’re sick,” you spit his way. “I was and will never be yours.”

“Darling, what did I say about talking back?” He grits his teeth as he says so, suppressing a fit of anger that takes in the form of his ripping your hair. You let out a strangled noise that causes the two the urge to do anything to take you away but they know one slight movement can potentially have the trigger pulled and they can’t risk that.

“You were always a good little girl,” Leehyun says, still trying to keep this relationship sane. “What happened to that, huh? You were mine to hold and do anything to. Why can’t you obey me in the way you had then?” He turns his attention to Taehyung as if recalling something, eyes flashing with anger and resentment towards the younger lad. “If it hadn’t been for your little bodyguard and Hyunjin, I would’ve had my way with you long ago.”

“That’s precisely why I never left her alone,” Taehyung grits out, eyes hardening as he levels his glare down at him.

“She’s mine to own, not yours.”

“She’s not a possession for you to make claims to.” A voice reaches them from the back and you can physically feel Leehyun freeze up against your back when a click is heard. Hoseok holds his gun right at the back of his head, no amount of hesitation in his eyes were Leehyun to do anything to you. “Get your hands off her,” he demands in a threatening growl and it almost triggers some lost memory your past self had once held so dearly to her heart but you do well to repress it back.

Someone else appears from the shadows; Hyunjin. He takes a step from behind Taehyung and Yoongi, a gun leveling his father’s way while the rest of them follow along, completely trapping Leehyun.

“Ah..” He realizes his defeat and lets the grip on your hair go, causing the tightness to finally release from his hold.

Hoseok watches as you scramble to your feet, a little limp in your legs taking hold when you stand either from the weakness or the gash, or both. Yoongi helps you stand tall and he hates the sight he sees before him. You look terrible.

It’s fortunate they got here in time otherwise Hoseok would never forgive himself. He remembered the second Taehyung realized the change in the air, Hoseok’s heartbeat accelerated hard against his chest, breath shortening, and before Seokjin can realize the change in him, he remembered to remain calm and not let the situation take the best of him.

He was angry at the things he heard through the device Taehyung held hidden against his clothes while with you in person, hated every moment Hoseok had to sit there, listening to the vile things Leehyun said and your voice whispered in turn, feigning interest. If he were in Taehyung’s place, he knows he would have never been able to hold restrain.

Perhaps it was best letting Taehyung go after all. For a moment he had been afraid, they all were, because they know how Taehyung is with people. He doesn’t like the crowd, avoids parties, and prefers his own personal space. As a hacker, he had no reason to leave his lab but it was because his face was less known to the public that forced him to take up the mission of being by your side.

The rest of them were more at risk of being found out, their faces more known whereas Taehyung was a secret.

He did a better job than Hoseok expected. Even through the intercom, he could feel Taehyung’s frustration and anger building up the longer he stayed by your side having to witness everything firsthand. He restrained himself even though Hoseok could tell he wanted to punch Leehyun many times, and during moments when the two of you were left alone in the guest room, Taehyung held himself together as he saw you.

You were the victim but you held onto yourself well, projecting a font that doesn’t slip as easily as his anger does.

At night it’s a bit easier to see your more vulnerable side but even then you hold yourself together. In your mindless state, you silently yearn for a familiar hold only your Reapers can provide.

Hoseok wonders why you never cry for help, why you never scream or shout. Even in the years he was with you, you cried silently as if afraid a peep of sound will have punishment forced upon you. He hates your silence.

Hyunjin offers his gun to you but you shake your head, taking ahold of your knife instead.

Hoseok wants to give Leehyun a good, solid punch in the face for all the things he’s done to you but he knows he can’t do that. This is your fight after all, your battle, and it’s up to you whether you want to kill Leehyun with your own hands or if you want to ask Hyunjin to do the honors instead.

He’s in no place to kill him himself. So Hoseok keeps his gun pointed at the man, eyes watchful as they give you space.

You’re in control.

When you look at Leehyun, the old man’s eyes are silently begging for help, for your mercy, but you can only laugh at those words echoing into your ears.

“It will do well for you to apologize now,” you say into the silence, offering him a false chance. “Why don’t you apologize, Mr. Hwang?”

His eyes tell you he’d rather fall off a bridge and into a hot active volcano than level himself below you and ask for your forgiveness. He gets off power after all, and if that’s taken away from him, he’ll grow angry and throw a tantrum like a child would if they couldn’t get what they wanted.

He knows you won’t give him your forgiveness and he knows he will die anyway. That’s how this world works. Once you have bullets on the verge of piercing through your skull, you have no chance left to run no matter how much you beg.

But he falls shameless either way, in hysteria, because fear of death takes priority over the shameful feeling of apologizing to someone younger than you. He falls to the floor, crawling on his knees, begging for mercy with a chant that repeats again and again in your ears like a mantra.

You stare down at him as he worships the ground you stand on, head bowed forward in a shameless position, pleading and begging for you to spare his life. He has no shame, throwing away all his dignity to bow to you like a god in front of his son and Bangtan.

“Please Y/N. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Please, I…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Why is that flashing in your thoughts right now? The sight of you leaning your head down in a shameless manner, the night you tore the ring off your finger?

Namjoon falls into your line of sight. He watches the scene unfold silently and you wonder what he’s thinking about. This is the first time you’ve had someone bowing and pleading before you and you feel absolutely no sympathy for him. But even you understand the difference this situation is from yours.

You had no idea what you were apologizing for because you had nothing to apologize for. Nothing was your fault yet you felt like everything was your fault. But for Leehyun? He has no idea what he’s apologizing for because he has everything to apologize for.

Everything is his fault yet you know he feels as if nothing is his fault.

It irritates you.

You hate the sound of his begging, the annoying voice, those annoying words that repeat over and over again without any source of sincerity behind them.

“You…you don’t even know what you’re apologizing for, do you?” You ask the pitiful man before you, anger and ire building up. You feel like a ticking bomb that will explode at any second. “You’ve never shown me any mercy so why should I show you mercy?”

“Th-that’s because..” Leehyun looks up, frantically searching for an answer when something pops into his head, and the begging stops as his eyes twist into something sinister. You’ve seen that before, an expression you’ve met and encountered with so many people throughout your years of surviving in this world. “That’s because you never stopped me,” he says and you blink at him, brows knitting.

“..What?”

He sits up as if a realization had hit him, his eyes sick and dark while the boys keep their eyes on him to make sure he doesn’t do anything rash, guns still readily pointed at him.

“That’s right, you..you never stopped me so why is any of this my fault? Did you ever beg me to stop? Did you ever scream for help? Now that I think about it, you must’ve liked it, didn’t you? You enjoyed it just as much as I did. You never went to your father for help, you never told anyone anything about the situation. If you really hated it, you would have done something but you didn’t.”

Ah, he’s really doing this. Trying to twist the situation, trying to gaslight you, even though he knows he only chose you as a victim because you wouldn’t do anything to go against him.

A silent little doll who only listened to the words of her father. If your father tells you to fight back, you’d do it. And if your father tells you to endure it, you’d let others hurt you. Leehyun was just a coward who wanted someone who would listen to his words without fighting back and you were the victim he preyed on.

A silent doll whose voice box was broken, unable to scream for help. He used that to his disposal.

“No one would believe you,” you hear his voice echo repeatedly in your head, the same words coming in and out in every situation he placed you in. If you had emotions, if you wanted to scream for help, he’d remind you over and over again that he could just manipulate the situation into letting others believe you came onto him instead, that you were a dirty little slut who would go for anyone.

You never called for help.

You didn’t care to call for help because you didn’t know how to call for help.

In the moment when you’re with him, your body felt nothing, lifeless, a corpse of some sort, the socket of your eyes void of light as if you weren’t human at all. But even then you understood to some extent that Hyunjin would believe you. He was the only one who would believe you, were you to open your mouth and let the words ring out.

You didn’t know him and he didn’t know you, but you shared a connection with how powerless the both of you were against your fathers, both forced into a position that almost required you to fall bound into an engagement.

Hyunjin always treated you kindly no matter what. He never forced you to do anything, never stopped looking out for you. Your suspicion of his kindness was confirmed when he moved away with his father, leaving the country for you.

If you knew how to speak then, you would have told him “thank you” and you would have accepted the kindness and warmth he always wanted to provide you with.

“When you decide to let your thorns be known to the world, I hope you can come after my father and kill him yourself. I will wait for you until then.”

He was kind to the end, prepared at any moment to kill his father for your sake, for his sake, for both your sakes.

As if understanding just how sick and manipulative his father is, Hyunjin steps up with fierce anger flashing in his eyes, ready to tear his father down. But you stop with a look, shaking your head, telling him in your silent manner that he doesn’t have to fight his father for your sake.

“Come on, Y/N,” Leehyun takes a step forward, approaching you as the others fit into a defending stance in an instant, watching him closely without doing anything unless you signaled otherwise.

This is your fight, you’ve told them, and they aren’t allowed to meddle unless you say so.

Leehyun holds a hand out to your face, his finger gently grazing against the skin of your cheek while you stand there, not doing anything.

“Be a good girl, won’t you? Tell your people to leave. We’re fine, aren’t we? If you’re unsatisfied with something, all you have to do is tell me and I’ll fix it. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you. You’re my obedient little girl, aren’t you…princess?”

Princess.

As if on cue just by that small little nickname, your pupils dilate and something flashes before your eyes, the buried memories slowly but surely resurfacing back into your mind.

“Hello there. You’re very pretty, aren’t you?” An older gentleman who looks the same age as your father watches you with eyes that confuse you a bit. You don’t like it but who are you to act up?

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Hwang sir,” you bow your head before him in a respectful manner, polite and quiet.

“Yes…it is indeed.” He touches your hand in a gentle manner and brings it up to his lips, pressing a kiss on the back with eyes never leaving your face.

It’s weird. You feel strange.

Not the good kind of strange. Not at all.

“..Sir?”

“Keep calling me that,” he grins as he pats the top of your head with his other hand. “I quite like you calling me sir.”

“Sir,” you take a step back, retreating your hand, “your son and I–”

“No one has to know,” he says as he grabs your hand again with a little more force this time. The smile he gives you causes you to stare in slight horror, his words echoing in your head.

No one has to know.

Who are you to refute that? Not when you’re taking a glance at your father and he does nothing to approach you from where he stands. You know he can see Leehyun and you know he knows what’s going on.

He does nothing to move and tell you to get away from the man. Instead, he only looks away as if he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care one bit.

‘Endure it,’ you hear the words without it needing to be said aloud, so you turn back to Leehyun with obedient eyes, no longer trying to force your hand away, and letting him in.

If father doesn’t care, why should you?

“What a good girl you are. You’ll never do anything to go against me, will you?”

“Such a good little princess.”

“You’re so pretty.”

“If you tell anyone about this, no one will believe you, you know that?” Whether Hyunjin cares or not does not matter. Nothing matters.

Just endure it.

Endure it.

“Does your father even love you? That’s alright, I can share my love with you instead.”

“Do you let Hyunjin hold you like this too?”

“Hyunjin doesn’t hold me like this.” Hyunjin doesn’t dare to do anything to hurt you. Even then you aren’t sure how to trust him. He shows you goodness by not doing anything to you but how do you trust when trusting only leads to your break?

“Of course he doesn’t. If he does, you’ll let me know, right?”

“...Yes sir.”

Endure it. Obey his words. Keep quiet. Keep quiet.

Quietquietquiet.

“What a good girl.”

“Sir-”

“It’s alright, just a little longer.”

Stop.

Stop it.

Stop it all.

Something shakes your core, your stability, your foundation, and your emotions. And all of a sudden, you feel something you’ve never felt before. All the emotions spiraling into one single wave, rushing down your body, building up so strongly and forcibly you tremble on sight, knife stabbing into his skin without warning.

Leehyun shouts in pain at the sudden intrusive pierce and when his hand reaches out to force you away, you pin him down by the legs, ignoring the pain shooting up on one side as if possessed by some sort of demon.

The boys all watch in horror when you carve your knife into Leehyun’s skin like a force working on its own, eyes staring widely with sealed lips like a silent killer who holds no emotion for her victims as the knife goes in and out. In and out. In and out.

And it isn’t you anymore.

It isn’t you.

Die die die die die! Your thoughts repeat over and over and over. You hear his scream loud and clear as your arms work the tool into his body, the blood oozing out and painting your cheeks, your dress, your thighs, everywhere. It’s like a scene straight out of a horror movie as the rest of them watch on, eyes widened in shock at the sight of your merciless self stabbing the man even as he no longer cries and lays on the floor, clearly already dead.

The guns point down, arms releasing tension on them but they can’t take their eyes off you.

You thought you’d kill him slowly and painfully, so he can feel every little pain with his eyes wide open. You thought you’d give him a slow death, one where he’d suffer the most in the same way he had hurt you and made you suffer and endure.

But your body acts impulsively as the memories resurface and all you can do is continue on the action until someone has to rip your arm away, forcing your body off the man with the knife thrown far away from your grasp.

“Y/N, stop.”

You push Hoseok’s hands away, head spinning, eyes falling into a blur and it seems as if everyone in this room is against you and is out to harm you. Your mind falls clouded as the world falls all at once, emotions becoming unstable and suddenly you know you’re panicking.

Tremblingtremblingtrembling.

Where’s Mingyu?

Yuna?

Where are the Reapers? Why aren’t they here?

It’s hard to breathe. Can you breathe? Ah, how do you breathe again?

The memories horrify you as they fall back vividly and suddenly you remember all the times when you were left tortured as a kid, screaming, looking around for help but no one makes a move. No one helps no matter how hard you cried and begged.

No one’s on your side.

Endure it, they tell you. You have to endure it all and everything will be okay. You just have to…you just have to endure it.

“Y/N!” Someone grabs ahold of both your shoulders forcefully.

“Y/N!” Seokjin shouted, ripping you from your state of panic.

Seokjin, it’s Seokjin.

You’re safe with Seokjin.

“I’m here, I’m here,” he repeats in a soft, soft whisper. Enough for you to hear. “It’s alright, Y/N, you’re safe now. No one’s going to harm you, I’m right here. Breathe, just focus on breathing, don’t focus on anything else right now.”

Seokjin.

As your vision narrows in on him, his face clearer with each blink you make, you remember the familiar face of your eldest lover.

Seokjin’s safe…right? He loved you once.

He loved you once.

Ah, but he left you too, just like everyone else in your life. But you don’t really have a choice, do you? He’s the only one in your sight, the only one safe for now.

With trembling hands, you grab onto his white dress shirt, the blood on your hands dirtying it with red as you look up at him with pleading eyes, and two soft, barely audible words escape your lips.

“..Save me.”

Your eyes turn blank, dull, a void walking right in, and the shaking disappears as you stare at nothing before you, as if your soul has just been snatched away from your body, the light in your eyes no longer in sight.

“Y/N?” Seokjin calls your name cautiously but you don’t hear him. You can’t hear anyone, not even yourself as your body falls into a state of void.

You feel nothing, like a lifeless corpse living in the body of a human.