No, I Don't Have A Plot For My Book.

No, I don't have a plot for my book.

I have a vibe and these three ocs I found in a dumpster.

This is so important.

Love is so important

If this post crosses your dash, know that I love you.

i always mean it when i say i love you btw

It's not my style (to read or write), but this makes me want to write a story about a beautiful heirloom gown that's passed down from one woman to another (often in family lines, but not always), but it somehow only gets worn by powerful women who leave an impact on the world (or maybe the gown is what gives the women the circumstances to become powerful enough to leave an impact?)

Mary Vetsera’s sheer black nightgown from Mayerling. Designed by Nicholas Georgiadis.

Row 1: Sarah Lamb, Melissa Hamilton, and Mara Galeazzi.

Row 2: Lauren Cuthbertson, Alessandra Ferri, and Melissa Hamilton.

Row 3: Viviana Durante, Alina Cojocaru, and Tamara Rojo.

while i grew up i had like 7 different versions of an mp3 device and i learned how to use all of them. my house had a landline and a fax and dialup and then internet and i learned how to touchtype and write in cursive. out of personal choice, i didn't get a smartphone until kind of late in my life (23), and then i had to learn how to operate an android, which was fine, until last year, when i had to switch to iphone due to a carrier thing. which meant i had to relearn all the things i'd gotten used to; and meant sometimes i fucked up like, doing a screenshot, but - if you practice, you get used to it. if you're like me, you had to learn how to use most apps natively (fuck a tutorial screen). you learn the culture and the lingo and how to get things on or off your "feed" which now that i think about it is disturbingly akin to "trough". but you know "op" and "reblog" and "notes" and whatever else weird shit comes per app. because like, that's how the world is.

the other day in therapy i mentioned that the hardest thing i had to learn was how to be kind. so much of what my heart-at-the-time wanted was to be angry. i wanted to burn down the whole world with me. my therapist tilted her head to the side. how do you feel you learned it?

my agent says i might have to get a tiktok so i can prove that my book can make money off of the internet, because that's how books are sold these days. my book can't be proven to be marketable because the majority of my following is on tumblr so i need to learn how to use instagram which is more profitable which is to say i need to learn to use canva. i need to get good about daily updates and reels and ring lights. maybe i will teach my dog how to write and we can have a joint account for each side of the internet. i need to learn SEO and viral viability - all of which will be outdated within a few weeks. when i first started writing this post i was going to complain about the culture of comments and how pronouns are so much easier to learn than we pretend they are - seriously, do you think your mom's given name is "mother" or do you think she just got used to your pronoun for her - but then my computer restarted and crashed and i had to google error that says undoing changes made on my new iphone with a cracked screen protector because i learned how to use a screen protector because i am not good with technology and it's all flashing screens and diodes and blue light and the future is now ! and it's warm in february! and the earth is dying! but you can purchase a change for 8.99 a month with applepay layaway!

and the future is now, isn't it. the other day i brought peanuts out to the crows that live around my apartment complex. i am going to teach them i'm kind. i'm going to teach myself how to be better than the circumstances i was raised in. i am going to be a 90's kid for the rest of my life, i guess - i still think chokers are in.

my mom laughed when she heard my big plans for your birthday and how the baking and decorating will take 48 hours more-or-less. "you're always doing so much for your friends. i just - where did you learn it?"

i take the little bird of rage in my heart and i open her beak and i blow into her sternum so it looks like breathing and i take the fire she gave me and i say - oh, it all hurts. it's always been hurting. but we spent so much time learning. and now wait and see. we are going to be kind. we will be kind. god fucking help me.