[duality.] H. Kai

[duality.] ─── ⋆ h. kai

an unexpected discovery about a friend sends you spiraling-- sure, hueningkai was cute, but he wasn't your type. at least, you thought he wasn't.

✩ pairing. huening kai x fem!reader

✩ words. 10k

✩ warnings. nsfw, mdnfi! smut with plot, f2l, graphic depictions of bdsm/rough sex, hard dom!kai, sub!reader, fem!reader, swearing, explicit language, mentions of alcohol/drinking, jealousy, wingman tyun and roommate yeonjun, gags, blindfolds, bondage, handcuffs, spanking, paddles, protected sex, manhandling, dry humping, sir kink, pet names, praise kink, dirty talk, degradation, degredation/name calling, jake from enhpyen cameo, possible dubcon elements, possessive behavior, nipple play, slight breeding kink, breath play/choking, cute ending hehe

✩ a/n. here it is!! duality, all three parts put together into one big oneshot!! i've been putting off finishing this fic for the longest time which is so criminal of me i know... i hope this makes up for it ♡ feedback in the forms of comments and reblogs are always appreciated! this is not proofread! please lmk if there are any mistakes!

You don't remember when Friday night get-togethers became "let's all listen to Beomgyu complain" get-togethers, but you could hardly complain-- hearing about your friend's failed attempts at wooing his coworker made you feel infinitely better about your own love life.

"I just don't get it," Beomgyu sighs deeply, swishing his beer around like he was debating on some deep philisophical theory. He was squished into the side of Taehyun's too-small couch, legs hanging off of the armrest and head awkwardly lying on Soobin's broad shoulder. "I'm hilarious and I'm smoking hot-- why is it so hard for me to find a girlfriend?!"

"That's because you're a loser." Your roommate, Yeonjun snorted. He was splayed out on the other end of the couch, effortlessly beating Soobin, Beomgyu and Hueningkai in Mario Kart, legs manspread so wide Taehyun (who was squished against Soobin's other side) looked about ready to hit him.

"I don't know, have you tried asking her out instead of following her around like a creep? She probably thinks you're stalking her." Taehyun snickered, very engrossed in his phone. You could see him trying to close Yeonjun's legs with his knee. It was not working.

"Also, you have no game." Soobin added, tonguing the inside of his cheek as he concentrated on the game. You were fairly sure part of the reason why he was losing so badly was because both of his arms were constricted to his sides. "Absolutely zero rizz, dude."

"Zero rizz," Hueningkai echoed with a giggle. Forever the smart and resourceful one, he chose to sit cross-legged on the carpet instead of squeezing himself on the couch-- you followed suit, not wanting to be in a sweaty sandwich with your roommate and his buddies. "I bet you haven't even said a word to her."

you sat with Kai near Yeonjun's legs, head propped up on the front of the couch as you snacked on popcorn. Hueningkai successfuly threw a blue shell at Yeonjun's kart-- your roommate's legs kicked out sharply, almost hitting you square in the head, and he let out a sharp "FUCK!"

"I have!" Beomgyu defended, sounding very much like a petulant child. "I talk to her all of the time! I asked her for her number, I made her a spotify playlist, I walk her to her car every night after our shifts--"

"None of that is asking her out though, hyung." Taehyun still hasn't looked up from his phone. "Did she give you her number?"

"No!" Beomgyu whined loudly, making everyone wince. "She said I haven't earned it yet!"

"It sounds like she's playing hard to get, maybe? Girls like it when guys pine." You supply, talking instead of listening for the first time in a while. You loved Beomgyu like a brother, and while it was funny to listen to his failed flirting you did want him to actually, you know, be happy. Plus he seemed to care about this girl beyond what her cupsize was, which was a pretty big deal for Beomgyu.

"More like she wants him to leave her alone." Hueningkai snickered back. “Hyung, I’ve not seen you this down bad since, like, grade school.”

“At least he’s not filling us in on his latest hookup,” Soobin shrugged, or at least tried to-- Beomgyu was now purposefully sitting on him. “Beomgyu might be a simp but I honestly see this as an improvement.”

“I’m not a fucking simp!” Beomgyu squawked, feigning hitting Soobin over the head with his controller. “I at least get more pussy than you losers— when was the last time Kai managed to bag a girl without her running away screaming first?”

The boys all laughed-- even Taehyun, which was weird--as if Beomgyu had made a joke that made sense. Kai? Scaring away girls? You’ve known him for years now, him being Yeonjun's friend and all, and while you didn't know him inside and out you were fairly sure he still slept with stuffed animals. Jesus, last time you had come over his only priority was showing off his Gundam.

“I think Kai would be the one running away screaming, honestly,” you laugh, expecting the others to follow, but you were quickly met with awkward silence. The boys all looked at you oddly, especially Beomgyu, who looked both deeply betrayed and like he had just gained some arcane secret. “…What? This is Huening we’re talking about, come on.”

“Yeah, Huening.” Beomgyu started, looking at you like you had grown an extra head. “It's always over when he starts going Fifty Shades on them."

"He starts going what?!" You sat up very suddenly, whipping your head around to stare at Hueningkai incredulously-- he was refusing to look at you, starting very intently at the TV screen, even though the game had ended minutes ago. The tips of his ears were cherry red. "You start going what?!"

"Oh my God, she doesn't know!" Yeonjun cackled madly, turning to look incredulously at Taehyun, who looked back with a wild grin. "She doesn't know!"

"I don't know what?" You felt a little betrayed by Taehyun, you had to be honest-- if anyone would have kept their head on, it would have been him. "Kai, what are they talking about?"

Kai was still refusing to make eye contact with you, instead glaring sharp daggers at his friends-- he genuinely looked angry, which was an emotion you weren't used to seeing on Hueningkai. "Don't worry about it, they're being dicks--"

"Hueningie likes to beat girls!" Beomgyu sang, his cute corner dimples popping out in his delighted, evil smile and making him look absolutely devilish. "He likes to treat girls like sluts!"

Kai was very very silent and worryingly still, nearly burning holes in the carpet with his stare. You furrowed your brow, blanched— that wasn’t the reaction you were expecting from him at all.

"There's no way you have no idea, Y/N, I mean-- you're joking, right? You've known him for forever now." Soobin cut in, looking genuinely confused.

"You've been in his room! Like, a thousand times!" Yeonjun laughed. "He's so fucking bad about putting all of his gross shit away-- once I saw handcuffs still attached to the headboard!"

You blinked.

This had to be some sort of joke. They were fucking with you, they had to be. "Are you trying to tell me that Hueningkai, OUR Hueningkai, is-- no he's not?! Have you met him? He collects Squishmallows!"

"You haven't looked under his bed yet, then." Taehyun snickered, once again on his phone-- you spluttered, both at his words and his nonchalance. Kai was still eerily silent.

"You've got to be joking. This is a joke. I don't think Kai's seen a pair of boobs in his life--"

"I’m not a virgin, you know." Hueningkai muttered stiffly, looking at you for the first time in a while. The residual anger he had for his friends lingered on his blushing, usually lax face, staring you down with an intensity you didn't think he could muster-- your stomach flipped hard, nearly having you recoil under his stare.

It took you an embarrassing second to register what he even said. "Oh. Um--"

"I'm not some fucking loser." Hueningkai repeated, voice calm but deep, deep dark, and it hit you quite suddenly that he was actually upset with you, not his friends. You had never heard Kai swear before. "Is it really that hard for you to believe? You don't know me.“

“Um, I—“ you spluttered, opening and closing your mouth like a fish.

“It’s like you think I'm some spineless, bitchless nerd or something-- it pisses me off, honestly, and I'm getting really fucking sick of it."

You were unable to choke out any words at all as Hueningkai pulled himself up sharply from the floor and stomped away into his room-- It was awkwardly silent for a few deeply conflicting moments, but Beomgyu was quick to pick back up the laughter.

"Someone's mad! Better watch out, Y/N, Hueningie might punish you for that!"

“Are you a slut?” Hueningkai hisses, big hand palming your bare ass– you whimper around your gag, tug at the restraints that bind your arms behind your back. “Is that what you are? All you can think about is getting cock, huh?”

Tears were starting to soak the silk of your blindfold, sticking wet and cold to your skin– you had never felt this raw and desperate in your life. “No!” you try to say, but it comes out a muffled whine.

Huening leans in close, hot breath caressing your ear, fabric of his shirt ghosting your back; his grip on your asscheek tightens, fingers digging into the flesh. “I’m sorry baby, didn’t hear you. What was that?”

“I’m not a slut!” you try again, shaking your head wildly, slurred words incomprehensible– drool ran down your chin and neck, dripped onto the bedsheets beneath you, and moving your mouth to speak only made more spill out. You felt disgusting, pathetic, humliated beyond belief… and your wet cunt ached.

“No?” Kai coos, the palm gripping your ass trailing down between your thighs. His fingertips brushed softly against your fluttering folds– the first real touch to your neglected pussy. You sob around the gag. It was nowhere near enough. “Then why are you so wet right now? I’ve barely touched you and you’re soaked. You want me to fuck you that bad, huh baby?”

And you wake up before you can answer.

“This is about Huening, isn’t it.” Taehyun states plainly when he answers your call. For a split second, you wished he was less reliable about picking up the phone.

“I haven’t even said anything,” you whine, a little petulant even to your own ears. Taehyun had always been able to read you like a book, read everyone like a book, and it never failed to piss you off and embarrass you.

“You never call me unless it’s about your problems.”

Oh. Well. You suppose that’s true. He was just such a great listener.

“He’s not a problem, I’m just– is he in the room with you right now?”

You can hear Taehyun’s eyeroll reverberate through his sigh. “He’s at class. If you’re calling to apologize, I can leave a message.”

You scoff. “Apologize for what?! I didn’t do anything!”

“I think you hurt his feelings. He hasn’t left his room all week except to go to his classes.” Taehyun sounded more amused than anything else. “You should at least tell him you’re sorry for emasculating him.”

“Emasculating him?!” And this was why you didn’t go to Taehyun when it came to problems involving his own friends. “He’s the one being a big baby about it! How was I supposed to know you guys weren’t joking? Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

“Tell you what, that Kai’s a freak? We thought you knew. Plus, it’s not like it’s even that big of a deal. You’re both just being weird about it.”

“I’m not being weird about it!” You retort. “I’m just, like– how long have you known?”

Taehyun was quiet for a very long, uncomfortable moment. “Y/N, if you’re about to quiz me on my roommate’s sex life, I will hang up on you.”

“I’m not, I’m not!” You’re glad you’re curled up in bed and not out in public; you’d hate anyone to see you this flustered just over the phone. “I’m just confused on how it was apparently ’so obvious’ and I completely missed it.”

“That’s because he’d been trying to hide it from you. He’s just been doing a shit job– thought you figured it out anyway.”

You blink. “He’s… what? Why?”

Taehyun makes a noise like he’s sucking at his teeth, staticky over the phone. You briefly wonder if he’s actually going to hang up on you. “I promised Kai I wouldn’t tell you this.”

“Tell me what?!” You press with a hiss, grasping your phone harder in your hand– you were getting really sick and tired of everyone beating around the bush with you, like you hadn’t already learned more about Kai in the last few days than you had in the last few years. “Tyun, if it involves me, I think I deserve to know.”

Taehyun hesitates for a moment before letting out a defeated sigh, deep and weighted like some veteran soldier. You want to laugh, really, but you’re too on edge to do much more than hang onto every word Taehyun says. “Kai’s gonna kill me for this.”

“I don’t care. Spill.”

“He’s… interested in you. Has been since he met you, I think. He was playing up that annoying good boy act ‘cos he didn’t want to ’scare you away.’”

You let out a breath like it had been knocked out of you with a fist, head spinning wildly. Kai was always so sweet and polite, got you gifts, made sure you always felt appreciated and included… but he had never given you the impression that he was into you. He was just like that with everyone.

But now that you thought about it…

Those smiles he seemed to save just for you, adorable and ecstatic like you had completed some insurmountable task for him instead of just getting him a candy bar or a glass of water, the gentlest ’thank you so much'es that made your tummy flip in the best way. Pretty brown eyes wide and sparkling every time he looked at you– he would always furiously turn away like he didn’t want you to catch him staring.

You caught him staring quite a lot. You always assumed you must have had something on your face.

Sweet Hyuka who told you you looked pretty even when you knew you didn’t, stepping into his and Taehyun’s apartment in pajamas because Yeonjun hadn’t told you it was movie night until he was getting ready to leave. Hyuka who would give up his seat so you could sit on the couch. Hyuka who was always the first to stand up for you if one of the other boys made a snide joke in your expense. Hyuka who hugged you first before he addressed anyone else. Hyuka who would sometimes only come out of his room if he was told that you were there. You always thought that Hyuka was a great friend.

Suddenly, the other night made a lot more sense. Just as suddenly, you also felt very, very guilty.

“Oh.” You whisper into the phone, because it had hit you that you hadn’t said anything for quite some time.

“Yeah, 'oh.’ Now he thinks you think he’s a gross pervert.” Taehyun snickers. He’s enjoying your plight far too much.

“I don’t think that.” you retort softly, a little sad.

“You should tell him that, not me.”

“How am I supposed to tell him anything if he won’t pick up the phone?!”

Taehyun’s quiet again, like he’s thinking. “Listen, Yeonjun’s taking us out for drinks Friday to celebrate Kai passing his midterms. I think he’s trying to cheer him up. Ask him to come with; you can talk to Kai then.”

“…Would Kai even want me there?” You ask.

“Probably not, to be honest. Doesn’t matter though, he’s not the one paying, he can go cry about it. Plus, I think hyung was gonna bring you anyway– he thinks this entire thing is hilarious.”

You hesitate for a moment. Not only foes this have bad idea written all over it, you also don’t have anything to wear. “Promise you’ll get me out of there if things get nasty?”

“How would things get nasty?” Taehyun laughs. “The most Kai would do is whine that he wants to go home.”

You should have stayed home.

Taehyun was right– when you brought up the club to Yeonjun, he had enthusiastically mentioned that he was, in fact, going to ask you to come with, and that he was very happy to hear you agree to go. Maybe that should have been your warning.

Huening hadn’t so much as looked to you the entire night. You spotted him immediately when you had stepped into the building, platinum blond hair and an oversized grey hoodie tucked awkwardly into a corner booth, big frame shrunk in on itself like he was trying to come off as small as he possibly could. You felt bad for him, really, watching him stare surly into the same drink he had been nursing the entire night– Kai hates clubs, yet the other boys kept insisting on celebrating with drinks and dancing instead of something Kai would actually enjoy, like a movie. You’re fairly sure Kai was already aware that the night wasn’t really about him and his test scores.

On top of the awkward atmosphere, you feel naked in this dress. You borrowed it from a friend, since you had nothing nice to wear— it was cute, but backless and low cut, and not to mention about two sizes too small. You were afraid to take large breaths, lest your breasts fall out of the top entirely. 

You think you caught Huening staring from the booth as you sat at the bar with Yeonjun, but it might just have been wishful thinking. 

“Just go up and talk to him,” Yeonjun suggests between swigs of his beer. He keeps looking over his shoulder at the dancefloor like he’s hunting for something— most likely a girl to take home with him.

“And what, grovel for his forgiveness? He looks like he wants to kill me.” you grumble around your own glass, half-hoping the liquor would at least spark some confidence. You felt the opposite of confident, in your stupid tight dress, scared of approaching a boy that professed his undying love for Molang on the daily. 

“Maybe he just wants to fuck you. You look hot.” Yeonjun snickers, glancing quickly over at Kai’s booth— from the annoying grin on his face, you can only assume Huening is looking your way. “Go over there and tell him you’ll suck his dick if he’ll forgive you.”

“You’re gross.”

“You love me.” Yeonjun sneaks another look at the dancefloor; it seems he’s locked in on a target. “Gotta bounce. Yell if you need me to come and save you.” 

“I don’t want your saving,” you retort snidely as he slid his way through the crowd. 

You didn’t have any time to relish in your solitude, barely able to even take another sad sip of your cocktail— an unfamiliar body fills Yeonjun’s empty barstool in what felt like an instant, big mouth grinning like he’d been waiting for a while. 

You suppose the eyes that you had felt on you hadn’t been Kai’s after all. Yeonjun’s grins could be decieving.

He orders a beer from the bartender, pretty yet odd accent slurring his words— you weren’t sure where it was from, but you sure did like it. “And another of whatever she’s drinking.” he adds, shooting a grin your way.

“Oh no, I’m alright—” you attempt to shut him down, but your voice wavers. He waves you off with a sweet laugh. 

“It’s on me, baby. You look like you need it.”

You laugh nervously. You weren’t sure if that was supposed to be a diss or not, even including the petname. “Oh, do I?” 

“You look stressed. Something got you down?”

You’re not sure how to respond to that. You’re not sure how to respond to any of this, really. Flirting wasn’t really your forte.  “Just a little.” 

The bartender puts down both of your drinks at once— your handsome new friend pushes yours your way, and you take it gratefully. This isn’t exactly how you wanted your night to go, but this man was hot, free drinks were free drinks, and maybe going home with someone new was a better outcome for your night than moping around alone and having to listen to your roommate get his dick wet. “Did some asshole abandon you over here? You’re far too pretty to be sitting here all sad and alone.” Your stranger croons, eyes heavy as they rake down your body, take in your dress. You squirm under his gaze. “My name’s Jake. What’s yours?” 

“Y/N.” You don’t bother addressing his earlier comment; the idea of talking about your boy problems to this very handsome boy made your skin crawl. “I like your accent, where are you from?” 

“Brisbane.” Jake gave you another pretty, blinding grin. He had a very big mouth with very white teeth. 

“…Pardon?”

“Australia.” Jake laughs. “I’m an Aussie. I was born here though.”

“Oh, I see! Are you here just to visit or do you live here? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking, of course—“

“No worries, pretty girl.” He needed to stop with the petnames before you climbed him like a tree. “I live here for right now. Do you want another one of those?”

“Hm?” You looked down at your glass. You hadn’t even noticed that it was empty, just mindlessly holding it up against your lips while you latched on to every word Jake said. “Oh! Um. I’m okay, thank you!” 

Jake seems displeased with your answer. You wonder briefly if he was just trying to get you drunk. It was working. “You sure? You’re still lookin’ a little sad there, baby.” 

“I’m–”

“She said she’s fine.”  

A big hand grabs your arm without much warning, making you squeak out loud— you whip your head back fast, ready to fight, but quickly freeze at the sight of Huening towering over you with a dark but unreadable expression. His grip was bordering on painful. 

“Excuse me?” Jake retorts, face screwed up in irritation and clearly unwilling to back down from a challenge.  “You know this guy?” 

Unfortunately, you did. “Kai—“ you start, but quickly clam up; Kai shoots you a look you’ve never seen from him before, dark and feral. It twists hot in your belly just as much as it scares you. 

“She’s done. We’re leaving.” Kai hisses dangerously near your ear, loud enough for Jake to hear. You’re too shocked to respond. 

“Hey, what the hell’s your problem, man?” Jake’s griping, but it’s not doing much good— Kai tugs you up out of your seat and drags you by the wrist through the crowds and out of the back door of the club. You want to fight him, yell and kick and scream, but all you can manage is to stare incredulously at the back of his head. He hardly gave you the leeway to grab your purse. Or pay your tab. 

“Kai, what the—“ He pushes you hard against the brick wall of the club, presses himself flush against your back— you can feel the stiff bulge of his hard cock against your ass, his hot breath fan across your neck in jagged, heavy breaths. 

“You think this is fucking funny, Y/N?” he snarls, deep and nasty. His hands press yours against the brick, keeping you still against both him and the wall. “Are you trying to piss me off? Show up dressed like a slut, whore yourself out right in front of me?”

You can only get yourself to let out a strangled squeak, all too distracted by the swell of Kai’s cock, the heat of his body against yours. Was this really happening? 

“C’mon, say something.” Kai goads, rolling his hips. it takes everything in you not to moan. “Why are you being such a whore, Y/N?”

“You’re hard…” You whimper.

“I’m hard?” Kai echoes, sneers meanly. “Fuck yes I’m hard. I’m hard ‘cos you look so fucking sexy in this dress, I love your body; God, did you wear this for me?” 

You’d been telling yourself you didn’t, but you did. You absolutely did. “Uh huh…”

“Dressed up all pretty for me yet you’re letting other men call you baby? Sounds like you just want me to punish you. Is that what you want? For me to punish you?” Kai’s hands let go of yours to grab at your hips, guiding you to buck up harder against him. “You know, I thought you couldn’t take it. Thought you wouldn’t be able to handle me. But now I think you deserve to be put in your place, don’t you?” 

“Kai…” You croak weakly, keen high in your throat when Kai grinds hard right against your clothed slit, nestles his head in your neck to mouth hotly at your skin. 

“Fuck you’re wet, I can feel it. Say it. say you want me to ruin you.” 

He’s right; your pussy’s dripping. You’ve never felt this needy before in your life, and Kai hasn’t even touched you. You can’t help but be a little afraid for when he does. 

Your mind flashes back to your dreams, vivid scenes of being underneath Huening as he tore you apart completely, made you feel raw and alive in ways you didn’t think you ever could. You craved to feel even just a fraction of what you did in your dreams, finally make them a reality. 

You needed him. 

“Ruin me, Kai, please.” you beg, and you meant it. 

“Good girl, fuck.” Huening curses hot under his breath, pulls himself away from you— you whine out at the loss, and Huening gives your ass a surprise slap in retaliation. You bite your lip to keep from shrieking. “Fuck, okay, we’re doing this. 7’oclock Monday, okay? My place; Taehyun won’t be home. We’ll have time to talk it out before. Don’t be late.” 

And with that, Kai once again stalks away, heads back inside the club with his hands in his pockets and head held high like he wasn’t just grinding against you moments before. You’re plastered against the wall, dress ridden up your ass, sweaty and hot and so wet it’s starting to drip down your thighs. 

You’re not sure if you’re going to be able to make it to Monday.

“7 o'clock Monday, okay? Don’t be late.”

Monday came far too fast. Despite having the entire weekend to yourself you felt as though you had been given no time to prepare; you spent three days pacing your and Yeonjun’s apartment, unable to do anything except think about Hueningkai’s words, his voice, his hands hot and burning, branding on your skin… you were haunted, ruminating endlessly about what he was going to do to you, what his plans were once he had you all alone and to himself. How far he would push you. If he would take you all the way to the edge. If he would stop if you told him it was too much. If you truly trusted him as much as you thought you did. If all of this was really just some strange, one-off situationship between two good friends, or if there were feelings you weren’t ready to address hidden somewhere just under the surface.

Was this just sex?

Yeonjun kept asking you if you were okay, brow furrowed as he watched you worry yourself half to death, and you didn’t know how to respond.

The dreams you had been having had only gotten worse, more visceral. They frightened you, almost, from the intensity of them, but in the same vein you had never felt this needy in your entire life. You needed to feel Kai’s touch on you again like you needed air.

The falling snow nipped at your bare legs as you shuffled nervously in front of Hueningkai’s apartment door. You certainly hadn’t dressed for the weather– hidden behind your knee-length coat, you wore your tiniest skirt and your tightest top, low cut with your cleavage spilling out of your push-up bra. You wrapped your arms tighter around yourself, buried your burning face deeper into the lapels of your coat as the icy cold wind picked up in a dizzying, biting flurry– you’ve never dressed up for a hookup before, and you hoped it wasn’t obvious… would Hueningkai even notice? Could you even call this a hookup to begin with? The entire situation was so incredibly alien and unlike you in every way that it left a bad taste in your mouth, one you mulled over as you stared daggers at his door. You couldn’t bring yourself to knock on it.

Luckily, you didn’t have to. Taehyun tore the door open for you right as you gathered the courage to raise your fist.

You shrieked at your friend’s sudden appearance, grabbed desperately at your coat like it was a lifeline– Kai had told you that he wouldn’t be home, told you that the coast was completely clear for you to waltz in– that was the only reason you had agreed to come over anyway. You had to save yourself from the potential humiliation of facing Taehyun again after Friday, especially looking like this, yet there he stood, eyeing you up and down as he shrugged his jacket on.

“Wha– Why are you here!?” you demand, wrapping your coat tighter around yourself. Taehyun gives you an odd look.

“I live here.” He answers flatly. “I was just about to leave, actually. What are you doing here?”

You open your mouth to answer, but Taehyun cuts you off. His eyes trail from your glossy lips down to your bare legs, grimace on his face that would have offended you in some other circumstance. “Actually, don’t answer that. Kai’s in his bedroom. I’m going out, I don’t wanna be here for this– use a condom at least, will you?”

Without waiting for your reply, Taehyun quickly side steps your shivering frame to trudge off through the snow. He gives you a limp and unenthusiastic wave goodbye without bothering to look back– if he had, he would have seen you gape and splutter at his retreating back like a landlocked fish.

The door was left wide open for you to enter; all of the lights were off inside, dark and empty except for the cracks underneath Hueningkai’s door, all the way down the hallway– you felt taunted by it, frigid and terrified like something unexpected would jump up at you as you stepped inside and locked the door behind you. You’ve felt less dread walking through haunted houses.

Tentatively, you make your way down the hallway, the apartment unsettlingly quiet as you reach Kai’s bedroom door and fumble with the doorknob– it was unlocked, much to your surprise, and slowly you cracked it open and slipped inside.

Hueningkai’s room was dark except for the light of his console, illuminating your friend’s outline as he played some video game you didn’t recognize; he slouched in his gaming chair with his back turned to you, volume turned up so high in his headphones that you could hear the muffled gunshots all the way from the doorway– he clearly had no idea that you were standing right behind him, so engrossed in the game blown up on his screen.

“Kai?” you called out quietly, too nervous to raise your voice. Huening continued to click away at his mouse and keyboard, and you stared awkwardly at the back of his head.

You double-checked the time on your phone; you had shown up exactly when he had told you to. There’s no way he had forgotten about Friday… was there?

“Kai.” you called again, this time a little louder. Kai still did not acknowledge you in the slightest.

Frowning, you step over to his side, tap gingerly at his shoulder, and Kai reacts instantly— he jumps up out of his chair with a deafening shriek, sends his headphones flying as he whips his head around in terror to face you… it takes him a second to recognize your face, but his face floods with color once he does.

“Holy– Oh, (Y/N), Oh my God!” he whines, clutching his chest. Even his ears are red, you notice when he bends over to pick up his headphones up off of the floor, and you giggle to yourself as he turns back around to give you a startled, puppy-eyed look. “You scared the shit out of me!”

“I’m sorry,” you reply, trying your very hardest not to laugh in his face. You’ve never seen him this embarrassed before, avoiding your eyes with puffed-out cheeks and a pink face; it was a cute look on him. “I thought you knew I was coming.”

“Well..” he cringes, fiddling with the headphones still in his hands. His face looked even redder. “I… I kind of thought you weren’t going to.”

“Why wouldn’t I come? I told you I’d be here.” you ask, cock your head at him, watch as he turns his console off and places his headphones down on his desk. He seemed nervous and disoriented, like he really wasn’t prepared for any of what he had talked about salaciously into your ear Friday night; you felt silly, suddenly, dressed up and standing expectantly in his bedroom. Maybe you shouldn’t have taken him so seriously. This didn’t seem at all like the man who had you pinned against a brick wall and begging for it just a few nights ago, and instead much more like the shy and gentle Hueningkai you knew much, much better.

“I thought I scared you..” Kai admits with a fake, humorless laugh, his wobbly smile quickly folding down into a grimace as he sinks further into his chair. “This is usually the part where I scare people. They were only half-joking about the whole ‘running away screaming’ thing, you know.”

Your own frown deepens, unsure of what to do or what to say as you watch him pick at his sweatpants, continue to refuse to look you in the eye as he rocks himself back and forth with the swivel of his chair. “I mean, I’m not angry about it, obviously.” he continued, fluffy blond bangs hanging over his face as he stared at the floor. “That would be stupid. A lot of people don’t like this stuff, and that’s fine. I don’t want to force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. It’s okay if I scared you, it really is. I’m sorry I came on so strong Friday, it was a bad idea and I shouldn’t have done it and I was drunk–”

Kai looks up at you for the first time in a while, big brown eyes watery behind his bangs and breaking your heart– he looked so truly guilty, like he had been beating himself up over this for days. Like he had spent the entire weekend pacing and tearing himself to shreds just as you had. You wish he had said something sooner, so you could have told him earlier that he didn’t do anything that you didn’t like, that he startled you but in a way that awakened something in you that you didn’t even know that you had. You wish you had the courage to tell him that he could have done whatever he wanted that night and you would have let him, because while this new side to him made you nervous it didn’t scare you. Hueningkai could never scare you.

It hits you then that there really wasn’t another secret, darker alter to Hueningkai, some frightening Jekyll and Hyde dynamic that your friends had placed into your head. Kai was always Kai, your sweet, perfect, nervous, nerdy, awkward Kai, even when he was saying the nastiest things you had ever heard in your life, and you felt very terrible very suddenly that you had ever doubted your trust in him.

“You don’t scare me, Kai.” You say simply, because you couldn’t get yourself to say anything else. The genuinely shocked look on Kai’s face at your words makes your chest ache.

“Really?” He asks just above a whisper. “I didn’t scare you?”

“No, I… I liked it.” You admit, face heating up. “I liked it, and I want more.”

Kai’s big puppy eyes change in an instant; suddenly he was gazing up at you like a predator, big brown eyes slanted and dark, dripping with a hunger you were frighteningly unfamiliar with. The sudden shift takes you by surprise, ignites a delicious fire in your belly. “Okay then.” Kai says slowly, taking his time easing out of his chair. You don’t miss the big, dizzying bulge in his sweats when he stands up. “Then let’s talk.”

He sits you down on his bed and sits next to you, though a good distance away– you could feel every single inch as Kai nibbles at his lip and bites at his nails, shuffles his feet and looks up at you coyly. “Before we do anything, I just want to hear about your boundaries… is that okay? I don’t want anything to happen that you don’t like. The last thing I want to do is to make you uncomfortable or hurt you..”

You’re touched, oddly enough, though you’re already jittery and way in over your head– with a quizzical little giggle you ask, “What do you mean by boundaries?”

“Like your hard limits, your soft limits.” Kai explains gently, moving to rest his big hand on the mattress between you. You stare at his long, thick fingers a few beats longer than you meant to. “Things you don’t want me to do to you. Let me know about what to stay away from so this can be enjoyable for both of us.”

You were in no way prepared for this line of questioning; you squirm around in your big coat, cheeks heating up– you were starting to sound like the virgin. “I, um… I don’t really know… I’ve never really done anything like this before– but I want to try it. With you.”

Kai lets out a deep sigh, that hand on the bed raising to push his bangs back from his eyes– pretty brown pupils dark and dripping with honey, such a startling juxtaposition from the sweet soft smile on his plush lips. You stare at him, mesmerized. “Thank you for trusting me to be your first, then.” he says lowly and surprisingly sincere, pink tongue darting out to lick at his thick bottom lip. “If there’s ever a point where you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to tell me, okay? I promise I’ll stop immediately.”

“Okay…” you nod. Your anxiety was diminishing by the minute, being replaced with a tranquil sense of trust– you were certain that only Kai could ever make you feel this safe.

“For boundaries, just follow my lead.” Kai continues. “I’ll list something, and you tell me if you’re okay with it or not, okay?”

“Okay.” you say again, more confidently. Kai grins.

“Good girl. Just say yes or no, okay?”

Good girl, said so flippantly like he did at the bar. You shiver, electrified– you can still feel Kai’s hot breath panting in your ear when he called you that Friday night, that hard thick bulge in his pants you’ve been trying desperately not to look at pushing hard against your ass, teasing you maddingly…

“(Y/N)?” Kai asks softly, sending you reeling back to the present. “Is that okay?”

“Yes! I mean yes, yes that’s okay…”

Kai giggles, eyes scrunching up in that way you adore so much. “Alright then. Can I hit you?”

Oh.

You blink hard, hesitate for a moment. “Hit... me? … Where?”

“Wherever you’d like.” Kai answers with the sweetest and most innocent of smiles. Only his bright red cheeks are giving him away. “I can spank you, if you want. I can slap you. Your face, your tits. Your.. your pussy even, if you’d let me.”

Once again you’re pulled away from reality, flooded with memories all at once from your salacious dreams; being spanked for misbehaving, Huening’s big strong hands ruthless on your soft skin. How it hurt but how you loved it, craved and begged for more… “You can spank me.” You finally get out after a while. “You can spank my p-pussy too… just please be gentle. And I don’t want to be hit anywhere else.”

“That’s perfectly fine, angel. I’ll be gentle, I promise.” Kai soothes in a deep croon, mixing deliciously and dizzyingly with the new pet name and making you rub your thighs together– you can tell that he noticed from the wolfish way that his toothy grin widens. “Do you want me to just use my hand or can I use a toy to spank you?”

The simple idea of being spanked with something other than a hand is enough to make you squirm and hide your face; it was something you had never even thought about before, but now… “You can do both..” you mumble quietly, too embarrassed to meet Kai’s gaze. He gives you an approving hum.

“Can I choke you?”

“Yes.” you answer with little hesitation, taking another quick glance at Kai’s fingers, now pulling at the hem of his hoodie. Kai lets out a huffy ‘oh’ like he had been hit hard in the chest, lost his breath. You can feel the hunger in his stare as it washes over you, the way he undresses you with his eyes– it’s already overwhelming and he hasn’t even touched you yet.

“Can I tie you up?” Kai continues heavily, deep voice a few octaves lower. You bite your lip to keep from whimpering.

“Yes.”

“Can I pull your hair?” he moves his arm like he was placing his hand back on the bed, but instead firmly grabs your upper thigh– he pushes your coat aside with his thumb so he can caress at your bare skin, and the teasing touch is more than enough to make your voice shake.

“Y-yes.”

“Call you names? Be mean?” His fingers dig into the fat of your inner thigh.

“Yes, yes please..”

The bulge in Kai’s sweats was obscene, straining hard against the fabric as he stroked your thigh, used his free hand to tilt your chin up to meet his eyes; the way he looked at you was bordering on predatory, like he was going to eat you, so dirty and different than any look he had given you before… your pussy throbs when his thumb brushes softly across your bottom lip. “Oh princess…” Kai coos, sugary sweet, “What am I going to do with you?”

“What are you going to do with me?” you echo timidly, still meek even as you place your hand on his chest.

Kai’s grin turns practically evil, hand brushing higher and higher up your thigh. “I think you deserve a punishment for your behavior Friday, don’t you? Acting so bratty, dressed like a slut…”

The pad of his finger slips under your skirt to ghost over the soaked front of your panties. Your thighs clench hard, trapping his hand between them, and the hand you had placed on his chest grabs a fistfull of his hoodie. “Punish me,” you beg, meek and pathetic; Kai stares at you in what almost seems like disbelief.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks after taking a moment to study your face.

“Yes, please.” you answer, already leaning in to bridge the gap.

Kai kisses you so passionately it takes your breath away, his hands coming to cup your face and grab your hips as he pries your lips apart with his tongue, demanding his way inside. Your hands paw uselessly at his shoulders and neck, Kai swallowing your sweet little whimpers up greedily as he pulls you up onto his lap and tugs at your coat. He only pulls away when you’re both dizzy and begging for air. “God, I’ve wanted to do that for fucking ever…” Kai whispers against your lips, his deep giggle making your legs twitch and tighten around his trim waist– the confession hung heavy in the air, it weighs down your shoulders as you drop your arms to let him peel off your coat and throw it down onto the floor. Words get stuck in your throat as you scramble for something to say… Kai steals them from you with ease, big dark eyes marveling at every inch of your exposed skin, his hands cupping at your hips and breasts, ghosts feathered touches up the exposed skin between your itty bitty skirt and top

“Oh baby…” he huffs, honeyed voice labored and panting. “Fuck, look at you.”

“Do you like it?” you ask with a coy smile.

Hueningkai growls in response, flipping you over onto your back on the bed– he holds himself over you with his hands on either side of your head, pretty lips pulled into the most salacious of smirks as his eyes continue to rake down your body. “Kai…” you whimper, the few inches between your faces feeling like miles.

“No, no, don’t call me that, baby,” he coos, “Call me sir, okay?”

“Yes, sir…” you reply in kind, face hot. Kai gives you another quick kiss in appreciation before pulling himself back up and off of the bed. You whimper at the loss but Kai is quick to shush you, big hand coming up to rub soothing circles into your thigh as he rummages around underneath his bed– where he keeps his toys, you remember with a jolt.

“Turn over ‘n arch your back, can you do that for me? Ass up, gotta teach you a lesson.”

You shudder and follow his directions, bury your face into Hueningkai’s sheets as he gathers his things and settles himself back on the bed behind you; you can feel the bed dip from his weight, feel him place a few things down on the bed side the both of you before he runs his hands up your thighs and waist, across your shoulders and down your arms. In one swift motion he grabs your wrists and pulls your arms taut behind your back, binds them in place with the dull click of biting cold metal– he’s handcuffed you, you realize with a sick start. You’re completely at his mercy now.

“Are they too tight?” Kai asks when you test your restraints, tug at them uselessly; they don’t budge an inch, only cut tighter and tighter into the skin of your wrists with every movement. It’s an alien feeling, being bound like this, but you find yourself enjoying it much more than you thought you would, stoking the fire in your belly. You shake your head no.

“Good.” He says, big hands caressing your hips– he uses his thumbs to push your skirt up over your ass, revealing your cute lace panties. Thumb moving down to slide against your soaking wet slit, he coos, “Such a cute little ass, sweetie; can’t wait to see this cunt.”

You whimper and push back against his hand, making Kai chuckle and rub a quick circle at your clit before tugging your panties down to your knees in one swift motion. You gasp at the sudden shock, cold air hitting at your warm wet core.

Kai sighs like he’s relieved. “God, you’ve got the prettiest pussy, princess… I can’t wait to ruin it.” Without warning, he rears his hand back and slaps you, hard, against your panty-clad cunt. The sting is sharp and mind-numbing, making you cry out, but your voice quickly wavers into a low moan; it hurt like hell but you loved it, the tingling in your fevered skin only serving to make you wetter.

Kais hand then moves to cup and squeeze at your asscheek; you can feel your arousal coating his palm, your pussy so wet you’ve drenched it with just a single spank. “Count for me, okay honey?” Kai croons, gentle. “And say ‘thank you sir’ for every one.”

“Yes, sir…” you whimper, fighting the urge to look over your shoulder back at him as he shuffles around behind you, picking up whatever he had placed aside earlier. You hear a soft ‘good girl’ as he settles himself back into place.

Kai rewards your good behavior with your first proper spank, hard and fast and with a wooden paddle instead of his hand— you cry out, even louder and shriller than before, your hands twisting against the handcuffs as you shy away from Kai’s grasp. “One!” you huff out, winded, completely unprepared; Kai tuts, condescending.

“One, what? What did I say you call me? Be a big girl and use your words now.”

“One, thank you sir!” you correct yourself quickly, thighs already quivering.

He spanks you again on the other cheek, this time harder; you shriek at the sharp pain of the paddle, but it quickly morphs into a broken moan. The paddle elicited pain in a way you had never felt before, could hardly describe, the shocking sting reverberating through your entire body and coalescing in your mind, leaving you breathless and unable to focus on anything other than Kai’s big hand running soothingly down the small of your back, the leather of the paddle ghosting over your flushed skin teasingly. “Two, thank you sir!” you whimper.

To your disappointment, Kai only hums. This time he gives you not a second to prepare yourself before the paddle comes down again, catching the meat of your upper thigh. It hurts so bad it makes your eyes water, your mouth stuck open in a drooly, silent scream. Your cunt throbbed. “Tell me you’re a whore.” Kai demands, voice rough and low, sending shivers down your spine.

“I’m a whore.” you stutter out, wobbly voice barely above a whisper.

Two ear-ringing spanks land hard on your bruising ass, one after another on the exact same spot. Kai’s long fingers catching the very top of your inner thigh— you’re unable to control the shrill shriek that erupts from your parted, panting lips, watery with unshed tears. “Louder.” Kai spits, grabbing a tight fistful of your hair. “Let everyone hear what you are.”

“T-three, four! I’m a whore!” you cry out, your head spinning, your thoughts fragmented. You’ve been broken entirely, you fear, somewhere in the back of your mind. Broken and ruined and never the same again. The thought doesn’t scare you as much as you thought it would. “I’m a whore, sir, thank you!”

“Good girl,” Kai coos, a little condescending. He seemed to enjoy watching you break just as much as you enjoyed being broken. “Just one more, okay?”

He caresses your swollen asscheek with a surprising tenderness, thumb rubbing soothing circles across the burning flesh. Your cunt is so wet that rivulets of slick had begun to drip down your thighs, and by the harsh intake of breath you hear behind you you’re sure that Kai has noticed.

You brace for the spank, face buried in Kai’s sheets, but still your body shook with pain and pleasure as he lands it, vicious and aggressive, right over your throbbing cunt. The spank stung like nothing you had ever felt before, harder than the others before it, the pain reverberating through your core and making you hiccup pathetically— you’re floating, your fragmented and silenced thoughts somewhere far away, but the gentle hand on your hip grounds you back into Kai’s sheets, back into the moment as your body aches and yearns for more. “Five!” you finally manage to spit out, your cheeks wet with tears you weren’t aware you had shed. “Thank you, sir!”

Your punishment ends and it’s like a switch flips in Kai; his hands smooth over your hips and thighs, so so gentle in caressing the blistering globes of your ass.”Such a good girl girl, took your punishment so well…” He croons, pressing feather light kisses to your shoulder blades. “Knew you could do it, my perfect girl. So proud. Are you ready for more?”

“Please,” you pant, chest heaving. You hardly recognize your own voice.

Huening’s breath hitches at your answer, his hips stuttering as he presses them up against your ass. The fabric of his pants scratches deliciously against your pussy, the thick shaft of his cock rock hard and straining, slotted perfectly between your quivering folds— your skin tingles from the kiss he presses against the back of your neck, gentle and chaste. “Such a good girl deserves a reward, doesn’t she?” he purrs into your ear, his warm chest molded to your sweaty back. “What do you want, princess?”

“You.” you beg, sob. “You, please, sir.”

Your answer makes Kai growl roughly into your hair, buck his hips quick and desperate against your ass. His white-knuckle grip on your hips makes your head spin, only growing tighter. “Fuck. You want me? Want my cock? Whatever you want, baby, shit.”

The bed creaks when Kai gets off, his deep little chuckle reverberating through your body. Missing his touch, you roll over onto your back to watch him as he digs through his nightstand drawer, the raw skin of your ass stinging when they brush up against his sheets. Kai giggles triumphantly when he finds a condom, quick to tear the foil with his teeth, and the sweet, innocent noise is almost enough of a distraction from his long fingers pulling down his waistband. His cock slaps up against his belly obscenely when fully freed, flushed pink and twitching, flared mushroom tip leaking tantalizing pearls of precum— you bite your lip to hold in your gasp, cunt clenching around nothing at the sight.

“Why are you looking at me like that..?” Kai laughs, his blonde bangs shading his blushing cheeks as he sheepishly lowers his gaze to the ground. It would be like him, you think, to be embarrassed in a moment like this. He looks so sexy you could cry.

“I… I don’t think it’ll fit..” you admit in a whisper, thighs shaking.

“Oh baby,” Kai coos, sugary sweet, that hesitant nervousness melting into something darker, more alluring. You watch him roll the condom over his thick, leaking cock with bated breath and a throbbing core. “I’ll make it fit, don’t worry.

Kai moves too quickly for you to react, grabbing at your ankle and pulling you down the bed with shocking ease— with his other hand he tugs your panties the rest of the way off of your legs, frees your thighs so they can wrap around his trim waist as he brings your hips together in a delicious clash of skin. His cockhead slides up your slit and knocks hard against your swollen and soaking clit when he pries your legs apart over his shoulders, pushes your knees to your chest to spread you out fully for his view. He stares at your throbbing pussy in rapture, wide eyes with blown pupils making you squirm and fight the urge to hide behind your hands.

“God, you’re so wet,” Kai breaths, sliding two fingers between your folds, spreading around the mess of slick— soon he has them pistoning hard in and out of your hole, scissoring them apart and stretching your quivering gummy walls so perfect, rubbing up against all of your neglected sweet spots as you moan Huening’s name. Your pussy gushes with the lewdest wet sounds, nasty enough to make your ears burn. “Wettest cunt I’ve ever seen. Gotta stretch you so I can fit, yeah?”

“Don’t need it!” you gasp, tugging at the handcuffs still keeping your arms snug behind your back. You want more than anything to touch, to guide Kai to where you need him the most. You don’t know how much more teasing you can take. “I don’t need it, just need you… just fuck me!”

Kai pulls his fingers out, leaves your hole gaping and fluttering as he lines his cock up— his cockhead feels impossibly big pushing up against your entrance, so close it’s threatening to slip inside. “Come on, princess,” Kai teases, rolling his hips. “Good whores say please, don’t they?”

“Please!” you beg, desperate and whiny. You’ve never needed a cock this badly in your entire life. “Fuck me, sir, please!”

Kai lets out the prettiest broken moan, sheathing himself inside you in one smooth thrust. He gives you no time to adjust, immediately settling into a punishing rhythm pounding you into the mattress. You’re immediately overwhelmed in the best possible way, your staccato moans echoing off of the walls.

“B-big!” you hiccup, eyes rolling back from the onslaught of pleasure. His thick cock so deep you can feel him in your belly, so stretched out you fear that he would tear you in half, his fat cockhead knocking at your cervix with every thrust and sending wave after wave of euphoria. His intensity leaves you breathless, unable to think or hardly speak, each thrust surrendering you deeper into the throws of submission and desire. “Too big!”

“‘Too big?’” Kai mocks, his hips unrelenting. “Am I too big for your little cunt, baby? After you were begging for my cock like a little slut?”

You can’t reply, can’t do anything other than moan and cry as Kai splits you open. Kai seems to like that quite a bit.

“Being’ fucked so good you can’t speak? Fuck, that’s so hot. You’re so hot. Been wanting this forever, you have no idea—“ Kai’s rambling, pretty face flushed pink and his brown puppy eyes so dark and wild; he seemed completely lost in the feeling of you, so ruthless let unfocused as his hands tug at the hem of your shirt. You had forgotten you were even still wearing it. “You’re mine now, you hear? Pussy’s all mine. Never— fuck, never letting you go.”

He pulls your top up to bunch at your armpits, your plush tits spilling out to meet Kai’s hungry gaze. Your perky nipples harden from the cold air, flushed and begging to be touched; Kai can’t seem to help but stare in rapture as they bounce with each of his thrusts, his tongue falling out of his panting mouth like a hungry dog. “Pretty tits,” he pants, reaching up to gently slap one of your breasts— he groans at the jiggle, the way you whimper when his palm meets your sensitive flesh. “I’ve always— I’ve always loved your tits.”

He captures your pert bud between his lips, hot wet tongue marking the skin he had just slapped; he’s so rough with it, nibbling and sucking bruises, pinching and twisting the one not in his mouth between his thumb and forefinger— the sensations combined with Kai’s quickening hips, his unbelievable words drives you to the brink of ecstasy, your shrill cries deafening even in your own ears. “Kai—sir!” you beg tearfully, but you’re not sure what for. “Sir, please, please—!”

“Shut up.” Kai hisses, pulling away from your nipple with a wet pop. His hand moves from your overstimulated breast to encircle your throat, grip tight, fingers squeezing just enough to make your breath hitch and your vision fuzzy, ignite your senses— you gasp in shock, your hazy eyes blown wide, his grip adding a delicious edge to your arousal, his words churning hot in your belly… your pussy spasms around Kai’s cock, gummy walls sucking him in impossibly deeper as you finally let the pleasure overtake you.

“I’m gonna cum!” you bleat, your chest heaving, his fist still clasped so perfectly tight around your throat. “Kai, I’m gonna, I—“

“Shh, princess,” Kai laughs breathlessly, his voice cracking and his hips stuttering. His grip loosens, hand coming to rub electrifying circles against your clit. “Gonna cum all over this cock? Fuck— I’m gonna cum too, baby, feels so good! Gonna— wish I fucked you raw, wish I could fill you up… cum with me, okay? Come together with me—!”

You can’t take his words— hot fire in your belly roars, engulfing your entire being, and you’re sent over the edge in a symphony of pleasure. Kai follows close behind with a beautiful whiny moan, his cock twitching inside of you as he fills up the condom. Part of you wishes he had fucked you raw as well, could feel his hot seed paint your walls and fill your belly.

Maybe another time, you supposed.

As you catch your breath, chests rising and falling with the intensity of your shared orgasm, Kai tenderly caresses your waist, surprisingly hesitant and gentle in contrast to all of his touches before. His melted chocolate eyes meet yours, filled with passion and desire and something a little more. “That was…”

“Amazing.” you finish, a blissful smile gracing your lips.

“Can.. can we do that again?” Kai asks eagerly. “Not now, but like. Later. All of the time? We should do that all of the time. Can I take you out on a date sometime?”

taglist: @wintertxt, @boba-beom, @wolfytae-exe, @takemehye, @naomiarai , @mapofthemazeinthemirror , @bunnie-hq , @doumachi, @numxra, @soobinsbuns, @taegimood, @jeniihss, @soobabby, @hhoneylix , @beargyuuzz, @fullbodyblankets , @xenkimmie, @ttaesoob, @shinyngirl , @lxnoluvr, @blxxsss , @ode2soob , @beom-gyubears, @ashiixari, @lurking-coconut, @horanghaelovr, @urstylezx , @mini-mews , @givethnofucketh , @ladyartemesia, @allisonistrashh, @nxlvvr, @lurking-coconut

YOU WATCH ME BURN

pairing: felix × fem!reader

words: 2.1k

about: where felix counts every single red flag he has missed, looking at you through rose tinted glasses and he realizes: love has an expiration date

warnings: toxic relationships, manipulative behaviour, swearing, bruises, implications of cheating, mentions of alcohol abuse, exhaustion and overexertion, reader is a grade A asshole, allusions/mentions of hickies

a/n: a wild fucking ride fr

“ wake up and start a big fire in our one room apartment, but I'm too tired to have a pissing contest.”

Felix Lee — a bad liar with a savior complex. He’s more than that though. He’s in love with love, a staunch believer of fairy tales. He’s an idealist, a sentimental dreamer. He makes love look like an art form, looking at the world through rose tinted glass.

And you? A realist.

Turning corners at the last but one crossing of the junction, Felix decides: love has an expiration date. He falls in love easily and the fall-out is painful.

With each step towards, he is dreading being home. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s what he is yet to say. Maybe it’s all the expectations weighing his back from Chan, Jisung and Minho. But whatever it is, it’s fucking unfair.

Time ticks by painfully fast. His watch feels heavy on his wrist, it’s ticking in sync with his heartbeat, in sync with his steps, in sync with his derailing thoughts. And this synchronization is distressing.

And soon enough, he’s there — that one room apartment he’s been dreading. You on the sofa, cross legged, so unassuming, so fucking indifferent. Your eyes leave the TV to meet his, some rom-com continuing mindlessly, and you smile.

He does too, instinctually.

Your eyes are red-rimmed. Your cheeks tinted red. Have you been crying? His resolution all but crumbles.

Because despite who you are, despite his fragile ego, you are the tears of his crying.  You are the starlight in the evening, the smell of the rain. You’re spilt coffee and his teenage spirit — his twin flame. And Felix is a hopeless fucking romantic.

But he’s tired. He’s far too exhausted. And he needs to let go of every emotion he has left unexpressed.

 “W-we need to talk.”

Felix curses himself for the stutter. His voice is unfaltering, his stutter being his only show of vulnerability. He’s never heard himself like this. He has never been like this. But it all comes back to you — you bring out the best in him. You bring out the worst in him.

He watches your smile drop, as you shuffle further away to make space for him on the sofa. It’s cold, this proximity no longer giddying for him. He feels your eyes on him, intense and scrutinizing.

He inhales deeply, holding his breath for counted seconds before releasing it in a staggered exhale. It’s unhealthy, he tells himself. Whatever it is between you and him, it’s fucking unhealthy.

“This,” he says, gesturing the little space between both of you. “This is not working. And you know it.”

His eyes sting. It isn’t supposed to be this hard, goddammit. Words are caught in his throat, so easy to swallow, so hard to let go.

“Felix, you—”

“Don’t,” he interrupts. He sees you; sees your eyes well up, hands moving quickly to wipe any possible show of vulnerability. He wants to reach for you, wipe off your tears and hold your face in his hands — index finger behind your ear as always — but he stops himself.

“We’ve been through this. And whatever this is, it’s eating me alive from the inside, goddammit,” his voice breaks, a deep baritone and occasional silence. “And you know it. I love you; I love you; I fucking love you. But this? I can’t do it anymore.”

“Felix.”

You sound timid, broken. Nothing he has ever heard from you, ever. Felix walks a tightrope with you, his name is enough to make him consider swallowing his words to have you back in his arms.

But he won’t. He cares far too much.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want to do this.”

You. It’s always been about you. Since the day he exhausted his collected confidence in sliding his phone to you across the table for you to save your number in his contacts, it’s always been about you. He is an expert in making himself smaller to watch you grow, to see you flourish. It has always been like that.

Felix doesn’t love. He falls in love; dives in headfirst and skids ten feet deeper. And now, he was breathless, drowning. He wanted out.

“I need to do this.”

You stare at him, wordless. Perhaps even speechless. You’re a wreck — smudged mascara, swollen eyes, tearstained cheeks. Hell, he’s a mess — a well represented mirror image of you.

“Do you want me to leave?” He asks. He’s prepared to leave, only awaiting permission.

“Yeah.”

He stands up, quick, no hesitation. He dusts off his sweatpants, fixing the creases before glancing at you: a mess through and through. He moves to leave, the open door so inviting, only to be stopped by your voice.

“Felix?”

“Yeah?”

“I hate you.”

Unexpressed emotions never die, brewing within you to show up in their ugliest forms. Felix, convinces himself.

The walk to the dorms is exhilarating and liberating, somehow all at once. The winter breeze blowing unforgivingly at his face was his stone-cold grounding to reality. Felix is a dreamer, of the sentimental sort; but this flat sobriety, he chooses to indulge in.

How long has it been? Days, weeks, months since he had spent a night in that crammed bedroom, a shared space for him, Hyunjin and Minho. He had priorities, places to be. Every trail of thought returns to the same thing — you.

Chan is the first face he sees — of course, worried, tense, empathetic. Chan hopes for the best and prepares for the worst. And so he did today, at the sight of Felix’s red rimmed eyes.

“I told her.”

Realisation. These three words are simple but explanatory. Chan all but combusts, his grin stretching from ear to ear, dimples at full display. And if Felix spots correctly, a touch of pride.

“You guys are done?”

“We’re done.”

Done. Such an easy way to put it. So complete within itself. A clean end with a well punctuated full stop. Nothing like what he feels.

“Fucking hell, Felix.”

A third voice joins: Minho. Rejoicing. Positively fucking glowing. What did they all spot that Felix managed to miss?

He is enveloped in hugs. Once. Twice. Thrice. Each of the boys holding him for what seems like forever. As if he were a lost child with his found family. Staggered breaths and hearty laughs. They loved him for him. Lee Felix, not Felix from Stray Kids.

12:35. And he's alone again, this time by choice. He lies on his back, wide eyes staring at the glow in the dark stickers peeling off from the ceiling. He missed this. He missed the forced proximity the dorms brought to him and his members. He missed having a life that stretched beyond you.

He can hear Minho's breathing from the bunk below, slow and sustained, somehow giving him a sense of tranquility.

Minho positively hated you. From day one, when you walked into the dorms, your hand carefully held in Felix's. And Felix had smiled, introducing you to the members with the title: my girlfriend. And you had smiled too, staring up all wide-eyed and innocent at Chan, Hyunjin and Minho.

Chan and Hyunjin had indulged for their friend's sake, breaking into wide grins and cheers of "Lix, you got her, man," and "She's sweet, take care of her, Lix."

Minho only stared, eyes narrow and speculative as he took in your appearance. A white Celine t-shirt — Felix's — tucked neatly in a black pencil skirt, fucking pretentious.

And Felix had glared at Minho, for the first time, before he finally obliged and smiled at you, quickly excusing himself and slipping into his dorm room.

Minho knew. So did Hyunjin and Chan. They had counted every red flag he had missed, looking at you through rose tinted glasses.

Felix remembers inviting you to watch their dance rehearsals. You sitting comfortably on the sofa while he worked on the muscle memory of the choreography. Minho corrected him; once, twice, thrice. His shoulders were too stiff, his footwork too messy, his beginning was off beat and his isolations not sharp enough.

He could feel your eyes on him, sometimes glazing over to Minho. His ears only burnt a darker shade of scarlet with every mistake.

He remembers Minho pulling him to the corner by the sleeve of his shirt.

"This is not working out, man. Either spend time with your girl or work on what pays our bills. Not both at once."

Felix saw red. What was his fucking problem with you? Deep breaths to talk himself down from all the choice words that were yet to be thrown at Minho. He clenched and unclenched his fists behind his back.

And smiled, so alluring. So easy.

"Yes, Hyung."

But Felix was a hopeless romantic. His problems subside when he looked back at you. Love fixes everything.

Now he knew ofcourse, the bittersweet aftertaste of your love still so fresh in his mouth. Love can't fix everything. Hell, love can't fix a damn thing.

"I can't believe you guys can dance like that," you lean back, your shoulder pressed to his. "Like how you move? It was so. . ."

Your voice wanes as you look for the best way to describe what you had seen.

Felix had grimaced, memories of Minho's corrections still fresh in his mind, " Wasn't that good. My shoulders were stiff and clumsy footwork."

You grin, relentless.

"But still. And Minho. Fuck, how is he so . . . fluid?"

He shrugs, half-smile still on his lips. He did admire Minho for the sort of unwavering effort he put in.

"He's like that. There's so much to learn from him."

You're talking. And Felix is not listening. His eyes wander to your face, the way your lips move, your hands gesticulating wildly. He likes you. He likes how you look in his hoodie — so cute, tousled and relaxed. He can't help himself.

You're cut off mid sentence, words caught in your throat as he holds your face in his hands, his lips assuredly on yours. He handles you so carefully, as if you're a cut of glass waiting to be shattered further. His vision wavers and his heart swells. He's kissing you.

He pulls back, breath staggered and heartbeat uneven. You're staring at him, blinking.

"Maybe I should watch you and Minho rehearse again sometime."

And fuck, if only he knew.

There were nights spent going out, getting drunk in the corners of shitty clubs with music even shittier. But he'd do it, just for you.

And those nights, where he'd have to carry you home. Despite you hanging off of some stranger's arm not less than an hour ago, the smell of drink that stranger bought you still lingering in the air.

Nights when he had to hold your hair back as you were bent over the sink, whispering his constant assurance of "it'll be okay" despite being the one without a drop of sleep the past week through.

And your voice would break the silence while you both sat with your backs pressed to the cold tiles of the bathroom wall, so timid, so fragile.

"Felix?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

And he all but falls in love again.

He had never smiled brighter. Despite his muscles aching from hours of practice, his smile stretched from ear to ear, so complete with the rose blush on his cheeks.

Love fixes everything. It always did.

Felix was past the point of a breakdown. Seeing you lie so unruffled on the couch in that pink satin clubbing dress he bought you — so unbothered. Alcohol in your breath, your arms littered with bruises from you running into furniture while dazed and most importantly, the big red bruise on your throat that stared back at him so tauntingly.

It was a pretty colour. Almost turning a purple-lilac in its edges, so close to the colour of your dress. But all appreciation of the colour went out the fucking window because he wasn't the one who gave it to you.

He was tired, muscles aching from the three hour long practice session when he had gotten a call from Yeji. And so utterly in love, he had drived half an hour out of town to that god forsaken club to pick you up.

Your words are so soft under your breath, terribly close to going unheard.

"Felix?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you so fucking much."

And that's was when he decided, it was too fucking much. You. Him. Everything.

And now? Months later, Felix is still learning.

He is learning to forgive the past — that the most beautiful of things come to an end; that sometimes time isn't right, sometimes the person isn't right, you weren't right.

He is learning to wake up alone in the middle of his bed, that just because he doesn't love doesn't mean he didn't love. He's learning how to hold his own hand, how to take up space by himself, how to stop filling voids and start healing them.

He is learning how to love himself.

can’t get you off my mind

all good love stories start with a drunk stranger, don’t they?

warnings: mentions of alcohol, fem!reader

genre: fluff, comfort

word count: 4k

it starts at a bar. 

or really, it starts with a man at a bar. one that you’ve seen before in passing, a familiar face in a sea of more familiar faces. someone who you’ll later learn is one third of your best friend changbin’s production team, someone who you should have met years ago probably, someone who you would find is the perfect puzzle piece that fits into your jagged edges.

but right now, he is just a man at a bar with a beer in hand and a ridiculously dopey smile on his face. 

“marry me, please,” he says, absolutely serious but it’s a bit diluted from the way his words were slurred around the edges. “or i’ll have to kidnap you.”

“excuse me?” you raise a brow at him, his image swimming a bit as you turn your head to fully take him in. you’re not drunk, but youre a couple glasses of wine deep and you’re not known for being fully articulate whilst sober anyways. 

“i swear i’m going to marry you,” he says, eyes wide as he looks at you. “you might be the most perfect person i’ve ever seen.”

you’re not overly fond of men you haven’t met hitting on you, but this one seems a bit harmless. if you ignored the part where he said he would kidnap you. at least he wasn’t grabbing onto you or trying to touch you - that would have sent your fist flying towards his face and probably a swift exit from the bar. it was a little weird that you didn’t find him weird, but in retrospect you must have known, even then. 

“okay, listen,” you put your hands on your hips, giving him an unimpressed look. “if you find me when you’re sober, ask me again and maybe i’ll reconsider.”

“okay,” he nods, hair moving along with his movement like a puppy’s ears. “i can do that. i’ll find you, i promise. i’m gonna marry you, did you know?”

“so i’ve heard,” you roll your eyes, already feeling a bit fond about him. you didn’t think you’d meet him again, but you were sure that you’d look at this night with a fond smile later. 

he sends you the brightest smile you think you’ve ever seen on a person and scampers off, and you stand rooted to that one sticky spot in the bar for longer than you want to admit.

–

he’s in the back of your mind when you wake up the next morning, in a better mood than most - you never liked waking up early, it always took you a good hour and some coffee to be able to stand without grimacing. this morning though, you float around your apartment as you get dressed with a small smile on your face. 

a cute stranger who kept his boundaries and called you perfect? that wasn’t something that happened often, at least not to you. 

the floatiness followed you all the way through your morning routine until you found your feet stopping outside the coffee shop that you and changbin all but owned. you had no stock in it, but you’re sure that you supply them at least half of their revenue, you probably sit on their rickety chairs more often than your actual couch at home. this place has nursed you through every college class and job interview preparations and beyond, and if it ever closed you might lose time off of your life span. 

your movements from the door to the counter to your usual seat were robotic, muscle memory taking over while your head did somersaults through the clouds. it’s only when you take the first sip of coffee, the bitterness and heat hitting your tongue in a delightful dance, that you notice it. 

another man is sitting next to changbin. a man that looks awfully familiar, and it takes you a moment to realize why. it’s the man from the bar. 

“changbin?” you keep your eyes on the other man as you direct your question at changbin, trying hard to keep your face neutral. “explain?”

“i’m chan,” the man interjects before changbin can answer, reaching his hand across the table for you to shake. it’s warm, his grip somewhere perfectly in the middle of too hard and too soft, and he lets go after an appropriate amount of seconds. despite the neutral passivity of the gesture, you feel something ignite within you, and it threatens to sputter out when you catch no spark of recognition in his eyes. was he that drunk last night that he doesn’t remember you? do his sober eyes not find you as perfect?

“he crashed at my place last night,” changbin’s voice filters through your turmoil, and you finally break away from chan’s gaze to level him with a look. “and he needed coffee, so i brought him along. chan, this is y/n, my best friend.”

the conversation that followed flowed more freely than the coffee dripping from the machines behind the counter, and you almost hate how much you like it. chan is a little goofy, the man from the previous night shining through moments of seriousness and rapt attention. 

by the time you had to leave to go to work you felt like you knew him. you learned where he lived (close to you!), that he worked with changbin (he’s a producer!), and that he loved all animals but he adored dogs (he has one named berry!). just an hour of casual conversation had led to you needing more of him in every aspect of your life, but still in the back of your head lived the thought of him not remembering you from the night before.

changbin leaves first, citing some meeting he had to run to in the middle of a yawn, and when you were left with chan the embarrassment began to set in. 

“i’m going to marry you,” he blurts out, startling you so much you almost jump out of your seat. 

“what?” you ask, a mixture of surprise and disbelief combining into a confusing vortex within your head - was he going to go through this again? you didn’t know if your heart could take it. 

“i mean, i remember you,” he says before you could awkwardly excuse yourself and commit to getting to work early for the first time in a year just to escape being in a room alone with him for much longer. “i’m sorry, i was just embarrassed. i didn’t want to make a fool out of myself in front of changbin.”

“oh,” your breath leaves you all at once and you slump into your chair, understanding hitting you like a train. “that makes sense? i think?”

“i’m going to marry you,” he repeats, a mischievous glint in his eyes, the boy from last night shining through. “one day. i’m going to do it.”

“take me on a date first,” you tease back, a genuine smile stretching across your lips when he laughs, a full bodied thing that drew in eyes from the patrons across the room. for once, you didn’t seem to care that others’ eyes were on you. he made you feel comfortable. 

“what are you doing tomorrow?” his mouth turns upwards into a beautiful smile that you can’t help but return. 

“eager, are we?” you open your phone, sliding it across the table with the new contact page open on it. “i’m free.”

“you’re the most perfect person i’ve ever laid eyes on,” he says, as serious and genuine as the way he had proposed to you last night as he taps his number into your phone. “sorry if i’m a bit desperate.”

“don’t apologize,” you take your phone back, making a mental note to text him later. “i like it, for some unearthly reason. you’re cute, chan.”

the sound of his delighted laugh follows your footsteps all the way to work. 

— 

he picks you up for your first date at noon, right on the dot. he wasn’t a minute late, a polite knock sounding through your apartment just as the hour turned, as if he had been waiting and watching the time outside the door. 

god, is everything about this man endearing? 

he’s wearing shorts and a light sweater, looking like something out of a posh magazine. his hair is curly and swept off his forehead and he’s wearing a smile with the most adorable dimples shining through. 

he leads you to his car and you have to hold back an impressed whistle. you knew changbin and his team did well for themselves, the name 3racha all over the credits of songs on the radio, but this car was nice. you were going to have a talk with changbin about why he still drove the same beat up sedan he’s had since college but that was a thought for later. right now all you wanted to think about was the man who held the door open for you to slide into the passenger seat and was now holding your hand over the middle console. 

“do i get to know where we’re going?” you ask, peering at the map open on his phone but it tells you nothing more than that your destination was 15 minutes away and that he had to make a right turn in one mile. 

“it’s a surprise,” he says, voice a little nervous but it was masked with excitement. wherever he was taking you, you would be happy to be there if he was this happy the whole time. 

four songs on the radio later, one of which you teased him for when he revealed that he wrote it, he was pulling into a parking lot illuminated by flashing colorful lights. he had brought you to the fair. 

“i’ve never been to the fair!” you bounced a little in your seat, wriggling in excitement. “i’ve always wanted to go, how did you know?”

“lucky guess?” he shrugs, avoiding your gaze as he cuts the engine and unbuckles his seatbelt. 

“changbin told you, didn’t he,” you smile at the thought of chan asking his friend about what you’d like. it was cute, a word that you were probably exhausting when thinking about him even after a day of knowing him. 

“yes, but,” he flushes, the tips of his ears burning red. “i asked him after i had decided to come here, just to make sure it was a good idea. i didn’t steal it from him.”

“hey, it’s okay,” you squeeze his hand in yours that he had yet to let go of in what you hoped was a comforting gesture. you didn’t know what brought him calmness yet, but you wanted to learn. you wanted to learn everything about him. “now, take me to the fair, bang chan. i was promised a date.”

he finally meets your eyes again and he’s grinning so happily that you feel like you had just won a prize. who needed a fair when you had your very own carnival game right here? 

it turns out, you did. by the time the sun was beginning to set, your arms were full of various plushies that chan had won for you, each one earning him a hug and a kiss to his cheek. you treasured every single one, the fluttering in your chest when he stepped up to the booths to throw and shoot various things never ceasing. 

“let’s go to the ferris wheel,” you tug at him with your free hand, thanking the skies when you see no queue there. “i bet the sunset looks beautiful from the top.”

he’s quiet when he follows you there and into the carriage, his thigh pressing against yours as he slides in next to you, but you don’t notice in your excitement. it isn’t until the wheel ticks to the top and stops that he grabs your hand again, trembling a little. 

“chan? are you okay?” you ask, concern warping your voice as you turn towards him. your movement rocks the carriage a bit and he turns pale, ducking his head into your neck to hide. 

“yeah, ‘m okay,” he murmurs, his eyelashes ticking your skin when he blinks his eyes shut. “just don’t like heights very much.”

“oh my god, why didn’t you tell me?” you cry out, jumping a bit and regretting it when you rock the carriage again. “nevermind that, what can i do? it’ll go down soon, you’ll be alright.”

“just keep holding my hand?” he squeezes your fingers lightly and your heart melts. you may have made a joke that he was just trying to trick you into holding his hand any other time, but the fear in his shaking body was real and you’d never tease him for that. 

“of course,” you press a kiss to his hair, moving your other hand slowly to wrap around your intertwined fingers. the wheel begins to turn again, swaying the carriage as it descends. you keep your grip on his hand tight the entire time, all the way until you’re on your feet again on steady ground. 

“i’m so sorry,” you begin to say, the horror of subjecting him to his fear creeping up now that the crisis has passed. 

“i’m going to marry you,” he says, cutting off your apology and lifting your hands to his mouth so he could press a kiss to the back of yours. “no one’s ever been able to keep me that calm. thank you.”

you were left speechless after that and all you could do was smile at him, the ghost of it not leaving your face for the rest of the night. 

–

your thirty first date with chan ends with you crying into changbin’s arms, utterly confused and the feeling of despair creeping up your veins. you had met him your cafe as you had done several times since the fair, but when you arrived he wasn’t there. he came late, dark storms in his eyes and a hard set to his jaw and you didn’t understand what had made him like that. the usual smile and twinkle in his eyes were missing, and when you and asked him about what was wrong he had snapped at you in a way you hadn’t been talked to in years. 

you had left after that, brushing him off when his eyes had widened and he reached for you while calling out your name. you know that you should have given him a chance to explain, but at the time you were too hurt to consider it. 

you made your way to changbin’s apartment without thinking, your feet taking you to safety before your head could catch up. changbin had taken one look at your face before wrapping you up in his arm, walking you to his couch so he could cuddle you properly while words spilled out of you like a leaky faucet. you felt like you were back in college, crying and blubbering over a boy who had rejected you at a party, and you hated it. 

you didn’t notice changbin sending an angry text to chan, but the sound of changbin’s door opening with a bang startled you out of your tears. chan bursts in like a whirlwind, his hair sticking up at weird angles and a look of panic on his face as he takes you in. he reaches the couch in a few strides and falls to his knees in front of you, holding a crumpled bag from the cafe in his hand and taking your cheek gently into his other. his thumb wipes at the tear tracks there and you could practically taste the guilt emanating off of him. 

“love, i am so sorry,” he starts, ignoring changbin when he scoffs at the apology. “i shouldn’t have snapped at you, i had no right to do that. i got some bad news this morning and i wasn’t feeling my best, and i should have been honest with you. i’ll never do anything like that again, please forgive me? i’ll do anything.”

it was more his voice than his words that did it - he sounded so desperate, like he was trying to hold

onto a ledge that was crumbling, threatening to hurl his body into eternal nothingness. you knew him, you knew he was sorry, and against your first instinct you trusted him when he said he wouldn’t do it again. 

“is that an almond croissant?” you eye the bag in his hand. 

“it’s two almond croissants,” he nods fervently, his hair swishing back and forth with the movement. you sit up, sliding out of changbin’s arms and onto the floor in front of chan. chan’s arms replace changbin’s easily when you lean into him, and it feels like coming home. 

“it’s not like i have a nice couch you could be sitting on,” changbin mutters as he leaves, shaking his head fondly at the two of you before making himself scarce. 

chan kisses you, cradling your head gently into his hands, and they’re so warm. he slides his lips against yours, slowly like he’s taking his time memorizing the planes of your mouth to commit to memory. even after kissing him dozens of times you still find new things to learn about each other. 

“i swear,” he says, pulling away to meet your eyes. “i’m going to marry you, someday.”

“keep getting me croissants as apologies and we’ll see,” you say, sniffling into his neck. 

—

your eighty seventh date was spent in your bed, your head spinning like both hands on a clock simultaneously and your body exuding more sweat than you ever have. 

chan is wringing out a cool cloth to place on your forehead and it feels so nice that you moan. 

“i’m sorry,” you mutter, and chan has lost count of the amount of times you’ve said it at this point. “we had a date and i ruined it.”

“we were going to see a movie,” he says, running a hand up and down your spine. “and we will. we don’t need a movie theater when we have a screen right here, hmm?” 

“but the popcorn,” you complain, closing your eyes in bliss when he runs a hand through your hair, scratching gently at your scalp. an apology for being so sweaty was at the tip of your tongue but you hold it back in favor of enjoying the feeling of his touch. 

“i’ll make you all the popcorn you want when you’re feeling better,” he promises, dropping a kiss to the side of your head. “for now, how does soup sound?” 

“popcorn soup?“ you ask, a wave of dizziness taking over your body; if you weren’t lying down already, you’re sure that too would be falling over. 

“yeah, baby,” and even in your delirium the fondness in his voice was prominent. he couldn’t hide it even if he tried. “i’ll make you some popcorn soup. get some rest okay?”

you’re asleep before he leaves the room, and you only wake up when he shakes your shoulder a bit and helps you into an upright position. he feeds you bites of what is definitely not popcorn soup after putting a movie on your laptop, the screen sitting at the foot of your bed. the both of you fall asleep before the movie finishes, but you don’t mind. 

he stays with you for days, making you soup and tea and toast and feeding you medicine and being an all-around angel as he nurses you back to health. by the time you’re better you think you’ve fallen back in love with him several times. 

as you had expected and warned him about, he catches your sickness the next week, and now it’s your turn to be his nurse. you try and do the same job he did, but his delirium seems worse. the silver lining is that his fever isn’t as bad, so you’re babysitting a babbling boyfriend more than a sick one. 

the night before his fever breaks is the worst, since he doesn’t even recognize you. you shake your head at his silliness when he asks who you are and calls you pretty. you smile when he takes your hand in his and asks you to come closer. 

you tear up when he tells you that he has a girlfriend that he loves very much and so even though you’re pretty he can’t do anything else because his girlfriend is the prettiest one in the whole world. you let a tear slip when he tells you that he can’t wait to propose to his girlfriend and that he’s going to marry her someday. 

you tell him that you have a boyfriend that you're going to marry someday, trusting that he wouldn’t remember it in the morning. 

—

your hundredth and fifth date was not unlike your fifth, or your tenth, or your ninetieth. two and a half years later, you were just as endeared by him and he was just as obsessed with you - even more so, if it were possible. 

he takes the time to tell you how gorgeous you look when he picks you up just like he does on every date, and you hide your disgustingly fond smile for him behind his back like you do every time you see him. 

he parks and runs around the car to let you out like he does every time you habit this restaurant, a little fancier than your usual best but it was a favorite of the both of yours - across the street from the bar the two of you had met at. 

you start walking before he does, letting him jog to meet you and complain about how you left him, just like you do every time. before him. you might have thought the monotony would have gotten tiring, but he had a fantastical ability to make every moment feel like the first despite their practiced nature. 

he calls your name from behind you right on schedule and you hum in acknowledgement, turning towards him absentmindedly. the second you lay eyes on him you’re completely alert, though; he isn’t jogging after you, but rather he’s kneeling on the sidewalk, a small box in his hands as he smiles up at you. 

“i’ve told you that i’m going to marry you more times than i can count,” he starts, eyes shining like the stars twinkling in the night sky above you. “but this time i’m asking you.”

“chan,” you choke out, hands coming up to cover your mouth as it quivers. tears spring to your eyes and you silently curse yourself - you always thought you’d be level headed when you got proposed to, but nothing could have prepared you for this, not even the thousands of declarations he had made to you prior. 

“i love you. you’re the only one in the entire universe that i need more than blood or breath, you’re the song that runs through my heart and the fire that leads my path when i’m lost,” his voice is thick, like he’s trying to hold back his emotions long enough to get his words out. “i never thought that i would feel so strongly for someone, i never thought that i deserved a love like this until i met you.”

he pauses as you walk closer to him, letting you approach him before he continues. 

“my love, my eternal light,” he’s tearing up now, blinking fast to keep the salty water at bay. “will you marry me?”

“chan,” you start, kneeling down next to him and taking his wrists in your hands. “i never told you this, but ever since that first day i knew. i knew that the drunk idiot that was hitting on me would be my husband.”

he chuckles, smiling delightedly as the tears finally spring from both of your eyes in unison.

“so?” he trails off, searching your face with his eyes, waiting. 

“oh!” you tighten your grip on him in an apology. “of course i’ll marry you, gosh i love you so much.”

RIDING MEAN DOM SEUNGMIN PLEASEPLLEAS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE IM BEGGING DACRYPHILLIA TOO OH I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO GO FERAL

no ‘cause how did u know seungmin’s been wrecking me lately!!!! honestly i don’t think i’m good at writing dom!skz but i hope you enjoy this anyway!!! 🤧🩷

tw: afab!reader ; dom!seungmin ; seungmin’s dick is big ‘cause i said so ; he slaps reader’s ass a few times ; he calls reader a brat and the word slut is used a few times but they love each other very much i promise ; dacryphilia if you squint ; ♡

wc: less than 1k ; ♡

smut! minors dni. 18+ only.

seungmin watches closely as you sink down onto his length.

he’s got one hand tucked under his neck in a cocky pose, the other on your hip, eyes fixed on your face not to miss a single reaction of yours as his cock fills you up slowly inch by inch. he’s big and hard and the initial stretch is kinda painful, but you like it that way. a cocky smirk appears on his stupidly handsome face when you finally take all of him inside of you and a huff leaves your mouth.

“’s big, yeah?” his question is rhetoric, he knows it well.

you nod, eyes glistening a bit due to the slight burning sensation between your legs. seungmin is quick to react, his hand leaves your hip, and he taps your mouth with his pointer and middle finger. you open your mouth, wetting seungmin’s fingers with your own spit. after making sure they’re wet enough, he pulls them out and places them on your clit, touching you to get you to relax around him. it works.

“’s big, but you’re gonna take it like the brat you are, yeah?” you hum in agreement, but it’s not enough anymore. seungmin stops stimulating your clit, and before you know it, he lands a slap on your asscheek. you let out an obnoxious moan and your walls clench around his cock, squeezing it tighter - it catches seungmin by surprise, too. “words.”

“y-yeah. ‘m gonna take it. ‘m gon’ ride your big cock,” you bite on your lip, lifting your hips and finally starting to move up and down his length.

your legs give in, like, after a couple of minutes maybe, and seungmin notices the way your movements are slowing down. another slap on your ass that makes you whimper. “i can’t believe you’re tired already.”

“‘m sorry, minnie,” you halt your movements, resting your hands on his chest.

seungmin chuckles, shaking his head disappointedly. “ah, i spoiled you too much, didn’t i? made you a pillow princess,” he grabs your hip, looks you in the eye, “you want me to take control and fuck you, yeah?”

you nod. “please. please, minnie-“ you beg with tears in your eyes.

“not tonight. not now, at least,” he chuckles, squeezing your hip. he grunts when he sees your lips quiver and your teary eyes. “the things you do to me, fuck…”

“please. i’ll be your good gi- i’ll be your good slut. please, please fuck me,” you try to convince him.

you’re sitting on top of him. his cock fully sheathed inside of you, its leaking tip practically kissing your cervix and you’re begging him to fuck you. he could switch positions in the blink of an eye if he wanted to. if. wrap his delicious arm around your waist and flip you onto the bed, on your back, your legs spread to accommodate him, and he could fuck you mercilessly then and there. the thought is tempting, he has to admit.

“let’s make a deal, yeah?” he knows he’s got your attention now. “you ride me nice and good until you make your slutty pussy cum around my cock and then i’m gonna fuck you. in your favorite position, yeah?”

you shake your head as a no. seungmin raises his eyebrows, genuinely surprised by your rejection, but before he could open his mouth to speak - “i want’ you to fuck me in your favorite position.”

seungmin’s eyes roll in the back of his skull. you feel him twitch inside of you and maybe getting a little bit harder. “you want that? you want me to fuck you like that? ass up, face down?”

you nod, biting your lip. seungmin swears under his breath.

“you’re gonna be the death of me,” seungmin sighs. “c’mon, fuck me. make yourself cum on my cock,” he grabs and squeezes your asscheek.

“min… feels big, min-“ you choke on your own moans, tears in your eyes as you fuck yourself on his cock. “i think i might-“

he smirks. “you think you might cum?” he mocks your tone. “already?”

“miiin…” you whine at his teasing.

“ah, you just love this cock, don’t you, brat?”

you sniffle, then nod, riding him just a little bit faster. you feel sore already. “i do. feels good. feels so good inside of me,” you pant. “‘m close, min, ‘m so close.”

“cum on this fat cock,” seungmin grunts, feeling your tight pussy squeezing him even tighter. “fuckin’ soak it, brat.”

“‘m cumming, ‘m-“

seungmin watches in awe the way your lips part as your body trembles and shakes before you collapse on top of him, resting your head on his chest, completely spent. he rolls his eyes, pretending to be annoyed.

“ah, you’re such a brat. making me do all the work every time,” he taps on your asscheek a couple of times, “c’mon. ass up, face down you brat. we had a deal, remember?”

and don’t think he doesn’t notice the smirk on your face. that’s how he knows this was your plan all along.

-> if you read this and you liked it, consider reblogging. it’s cool and it lets me know you actually enjoyed reading my work! ♡

hes too fine im genuinely going to piss and shit my pants

he’s smooth with it …

toy wagons & heartbreak ✧ huang renjun

✧ pairing: artist!renjun & dancer g/n! reader

though dancing is not as touched upon for reader as artistry is for jun

✧ wc: 4.4k

✧ genre: fluff, angst; best friends to lovers

✧warnings: language, brief description of a nightmare, cheating, suggestive? sorta.

"shove off, you bastard. i hope your mom chokes on a bag of cocks today and your dad gets his beer bottle shoved up his ass!"

the sudden and very vulgar outburst brought attention to the relatively short male in the back of the classroom. no one knew who he was. hell, they didn't even realize he could even speak. he was always mute and his ‘cool’ demeanor didn't help his case. silence followed for the next few seconds until a certain individual cracked, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

"dude, what type of fake british accent was that? you sounded like marie antoinette, but male. and very, very american. and she had had her head cut off already!"

the male that seemed to prattle off nonsensical insult after insult, lee felix, was doubled over. your fellow classmate’s arms were wrapped around his sides, laughter practically deranged. but, it helped. the merriment and joy the laughter brought.

it eased the tension in the room. soon, the whole class had reached a volume that could only be described as boisterous, cacophonous laughter permeating into every corner of the classroom. even the assistants in the class laughed. the teacher had a very strong look of distaste on her face. but, even the corners of her lips were turned up.

"jun! what the heck? i said at lunch, not in the middle of math class!"

another voice rang out. it was yours. the sentence wasn't heard very clearly, though. even you were laughing. the room seemed to be alight with a positive aura. and not even the quiet kid at the back of the class, huang renjun, (who also doubled as your best friend) could hide his smile. not even he could deny how relaxed the atmosphere had gotten.

of course, all good things must come to an end, right? and that moment of seemingly infinite bliss? oh, that was simply too good of a thing for you to experience. it was such a blessing of a moment, that you ought to have deemed it a curse.

your dream quickly turned for the worse as the vivid colors flashing behind your eyelids darkened, the joyous laughter from before transforming into something more sinster. you had no idea what was happening, the younger you being replaced with you from the present as you were being caged in by-

—

you awoke with a start, a hand clutching your chest. that wasn't exactly a memory you were fond of. you probably would've been close to forgetting about it if you hadn't dreamt of it tonight. when you took in your surroundings, the realization that you weren't in the dance studio anymore hit you.

that was the last place you remember leaving your room to go to, planning on venting out your frustrations in a form of art. and seeing as drawing and making music weren't exactly your forte, perfecting choreography was your next best choice.

seeing as how someone had to come and find you, that may not have exactly gone according to plan. every time you moved your legs, sharp pains shot throughout the rest of your body. sure, you could call it ordinary soreness. but, unfortunately, you have become painstakingly aware of how many bruises seemed to accumulate when you danced while upset.

but, that was beside the point. the pain could wait. right now you’d rather focus on the fact that you were in a bed. a very nice one in fact, although there was something wrong. you couldn't quite place your finger on it but maybe it had to do with the person sleeping next to you.

wait, there's a person in the bed. next to you. sleeping. next to you. and they’re…shirtless?

you had to stop yourself from emitting a scream that would've awoken the penguins in antarctica. instead, you settled on scrambling out of the bed, relieved to find that you still adorned the clothes you had left the house in the previous night. the sleeping person turned their body so they were facing you.

'more like sleeping beauty. jesus christ. he's so fucking pretty, oh my god. and his lips, oh my god. his lips. fuck. i bet he has a really pretty smile, too? oh god, he does, doesn't he? oh, fuck me.'

a smile adorned the unknown male's lips. well, 'unknown' is a false statement. the shirtless male was in fact your childhood best friend, and self-proclaimed platonic soulmate, huang renjun. he had gotten used to this behavior in the early morning. it was something you went through often when he had to pick you up from the studio.

he hadn’t been asleep at all. he woke up an hour ago, your movements in the bed much too erratic to even attempt sleeping through. the clock had stated that it was an alarming four-thirty in the morning. the sun wasn't even close to rising, yet here you were.

"aw baby, if you like my lips so much, why don’t you kiss them already, hm?"

that's when you seemed to snap out of your very sleep-deprived daze and you looked at renjun, your shock obvious on your face.

"...what?"

"unless you're all bark and no bite."

"okay, wait, you- what's that supposed to mean exactly?

"ah, so you're unaware that you said all of that out loud like two seconds ago. figures. although i gotta say, i especially liked the part about my lips. do you think about them that often?"

you blanched and stared at the male across from you incredulously. you couldn't have said that out loud. you were just having very, very loud thoughts. you were sure of it. until y'know, just now, you'd reckon.

"oh, jun. i'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable. i didn't mean that—"

"you didn't mean it," a pout took over renjun’s lips, his bottom lip jutting out which only made it seem fuller than it was. and all the more inviting— "a true shame. i would've liked a kiss from you."

there was a hint of sadness in his voice. no, not a hint. he didn't even try to mask it. all the emotions in that sentence were clear as day. disappointment, as well as sadness, were crystal clear.

"okay no, because what's that supposed to mean?"

a breath. a pause. a sigh.

"nothing. just go back to sleep."

and just like that, it was as if renjun was never awake in the first place. he was out like a light. which only left you with so many questions as to what just occurred. 'what the fuck?' seemed to be the most frequent one you asked though.

then, something happened that threw the both of you for a complete loop. you found yourself getting back in the bed, only this time you sat directly on top of renjun. he awoke easily, eyes wide and void of any sign of fatigue.

he blinked up at you blankly, unsure of what to do with you or with his hands.

"may i…help you?"

"cut the act and just kiss me."

renjun leaned in, much to your surprise, even if you had told him to do it in the first place, and placed a bruising kiss on your lips. it was intense as if he was trying to convey all of his emotions into a sloppy transfer of spit. you weren't even sure if this could be called a proper kiss, but your brain was functioning too slow at the moment to catch up to what was happening right now. hands roamed across any surface they came in contact with, yours eventually resting atop renjun's chest and his wrapped around your waist.

when you pulled away from each other, he busied himself with wiping his mouth of the spit at the corners with the back of his hand, while you attempted to hop off of his lap only to be pulled back down by his free hand.

renjun sat up, eyebrow raised at your attempt at a hasty getaway, grabbing your hips again in attempts to pull you closer still. he said nothing, which left you to internally panic in the mildly uncomfortable silence. unfortunately, your mind was on the edge of going completely blank as you tried to let your brain catch up to what just occurred. and what was currently still very much happening.

but catch up it did not, seeing as renjun pulled you in for another kiss. only this time, it was much softer. there wasn't any real urgency behind it. it was as if you melted together, breaths soft and eyes closed. it was only the two of you and that was all renjun needed. that was all you needed, even if you hadn't come to that conclusion yet. your arms moved to wrap around his neck, fingers softly combing through the hair at his nape, renjun’s hands grasping onto your sleep shirt.

this time when you pulled away, you didn't rush to get off of his lap. silence filled the room, the only sound being your combined breathing as you swallowed nervously. okay, so 'what the fuck?' was what you wanted to say. it seemed to be your favorite phrase lately. until renjun beat you to it and broke the silence himself. with a much more sophisticated question.

"uhm, do you wanna talk about that?"

"no. let's just be quiet for now."

but, quiet never lasted long when it came to the two of you.

"i think i’m in love with you."

the words weren't loud. they were soft. and you thought that if they had been any quieter that you wouldn't have caught them at all. but, you're sure you did. you're so, so sure of it.

"what?" a whisper.

it was dead silent in the room. the only sound that could be heard was the soft tick-tick-tick of the clock on the wall in renjun’s bedroom.

"i didn't say anything."

renjun uttered out, cheeks aflame with embarrassment.

"but, you did. you,” a quiver in your voice made itself present. “you said you were in love with me. didn't you? you did. you did, right?"

the worry couldn't stay out of your voice as much as you had wanted it to. your heart rate was increasing, panic settling in now as the weight of everything started to creep up on you, planting itself atop your shoulders little by little.

you were scared.

scared you were still dreaming, and that just made this whole scenario up.

scared that you and renjun didn't just kiss twice.

scared that the boy whose lap you were sitting on wasn't actually underneath you at all.

scared that your feelings weren't unrequited after all. scared that they were.

you were terrified, actually.

renjun could sense that. he'd be a fool if he didn't, seeing as the air in the room is so still that he automatically picked up on when your breath hitched and became more of a panicked pant rather than a steady inhale-exhale cycle.

"okay, hey, wait. hi lovebug, i’m right here,” he rubbed your back gently, attempting to get you to calm down.

“i did say it. i’m pretty sure that i’ve been in love with you since fifth grade."

"fifth grade?"

your voice cracked and renjun finally took this moment to look back up from his legs and at you. your eyes were filled with unshed tears, both from your panic and from the situation in general. you were just so overwhelmed and were struggling to process any of this fully.

yet, that's not what renjun wanted. he didn't want teary eyes and soft voices. he wanted to hear the same words uttered back to him. he wanted a kiss, a touch, anything other than the silence that's filled with tension so high-strung that choosing to break it could be a very dangerous game at this point.

yet, some part of you convinced yourself that this was some sort of cruel joke. you liked renjun, loved him even. yet, you were so unsure. so you opted to remain silent. and a hush fell upon the room.

—

the words circulate through your head for hours on end. you're still at renjun’s house but you’ve moved away from his room and into the little office space he considers his art studio. You’re careful not to touch any of his pieces, fearful of messing one up.

as your thoughts race, you look around and analyze his works. while you’re not an artist and don’t have a keen eye for detail yourself, you’ve gone with renjun on enough trips to the art museum that you deem yourself knowledgeable enough for this.

the small pile of blank canvases spread across the floor that are intermixed with unfinished designs reminds you of something. he had told you recently that he’s hit an artist’s block, a ‘very hard, and a very mean one’, according to him.

he had confessed this to you in a joking manner but you knew it was affecting him more than he let on. how could it have not when it was what he’s done his whole life? none of his art coming out the way he wanted, none of the messages he’s trying to convey shining through.

you glance at the crumpled sheets of paper that lay about the trash bin, some torn from his sketchbooks, others from plain college-ruled notebooks. it was if you could feel his frustration emanating from that pile, his own perception of failure that had been weighing down on him, the standards far too high.

if only he could see how wonderful he is, you wished. you’ve drawn before sure, whether it be begrudgingly for a school project or for fun while you’re at the park. but, you truly believe that renjun’s art belongs in museums. he’s on a different level than you, something that was made well aware when you took that art class together in grade school.

you always tell him that the fruits of his precocious labor deserve to be shown off internationally, to be appreciated by all. he'll brush you off with a shy smile and change the topic every time but it never affected your admiration for him. it only made you say it more often.

the corners of your mouth lift up in a small smile as you catch a glimpse of the piece he made up back in your sophomore year of high school. you asked for a portrait, not of yourself but of things he associates with you.

“so, you want a collage then?”

“no, make it in the shape of me, just not of me.”

he still understood the assignment despite your confusing instructions and came over to your house to give it to you a month later. you brushed off his rushed apologies for how long it took and held out your hands so he could hand your the finished project.

your expression was nothing other than pure joy as you took in his art. the outline was the shape of you sitting with your head back. ‘’must’ve been a photo he took of me while we were hanging out’, you thought as your eyes moved slowly across the canvas. you picked out certain things, like pokémon and anime characters, sheet music and a tiny break dancer. each thing you recognized brought an ecstatic giggle out of you and renjun breathed out a quiet sigh of relief.

while he knew you’d like anything he makes no matter what, this work stressed him out because he saw you as way more than the things you have interest in or made a part of your life. but seeing your satisfaction and how your eyes shine with wonderment, he thinks he genuinely did a good job.

your arms engulfed him in a tight hug, thanks spilled from your lips as his arms came around your stomach.

“thank you junbug. i really like it.”

you pulled away and he flashed you a bright smile.

“anytime, sugar.”

the petname earned him a pinch on the cheek but he still thinks it was worth it.

—

as you pull yourself out of the memory, a smile on your face, you realize a couple of things.

renjun’s love was always evident, obvious even, but he always masked it under the guise of your best friend. he’d always done anything he can for you, offering up a helping hand no matter how grueling the task. even if he pretended to not like you sometimes, he was always ready to risk it all.

yet, he also protected you often. like tonight, for example. you wouldn’t have stopped until you literally couldn’t move anymore at the studio. and maybe you couldn’t when he had come to pick you up, you can’t recall. but the outlying fact is that he knew where you were in the first place. you wonder if that was the first place he went or if he had to think about it. nonetheless, it doesn’t change the fact that he knew.

you thought back on your feelings, on your relationship with your best friend, and your feelings for said best friend.

you always thought he’d be a good boyfriend to somebody, not specifically to you but you can’t lie and say you haven’t entertained the thought. nor can you say you’ve never thought about kissing him.

you had a crush on him before, it was always a random occurrence. a wave of emotions far more than platonic for renjun coming up all at once on more than one occasion.

but, do you harbor those same feelings now? is the question you can’t answer.

—

you padded softly back into renjun’s bedroom. you didn’t exactly expect to find him sleeping again but you can’t say you expected to find him up drawing either.

“hey.”

it was soft, hard to catch and laden with emotions you couldn’t decipher.

“hi.”

and silence befell the room again. you at the doorway and him on his bed. he had yet to look up from his notebook while you focused your gaze on the ground.

maybe if you stared hard enough you could fall through it, and avoid this. the entire interaction. maybe it’ll be one of doctor strange’s portals and you could go back in time to before the confession.

renjun sighs before putting his items on his nightstand and looking up. if you won’t start, then he might as well do you both a favor and get this over with. it’s simpler that way anyway, he’s never been a ‘beat-around-the-bush’ person, as far as anyone else knows.

“i understand if you don’t reciprocate my-,”

“i like you, too.”

you had started talking simultaneously, as your head finally lifted in order for you to meet his eyes.

your confession shocked yourself as much as it shocked renjun. he had prepared himself for rejection, having accepted it as his fate already.

“you, you, you what?”

“like you? back?”

you didn’t doubt yourself but, it was hard not to consider you had let yourself say whatever you felt right at that moment without inhibition.

“are you sure? i’m completely fine with being rejected, y’know. i can get over it-,”

“no need to, jun. i’m sure.”

you took your first step since having walked back into the room and sat on the edge of his bed. you looked at the wall in front of you, which adorned the pieces that had been recognized in competitions, all of them earning nothing less than the ‘gold’.

“are you, sure you’re sure, though? like-,”

before renjun could continue on any further, you moved close enough to cover his mouth with your hand. you sent him a bright smile before speaking.

“yes. quite, actually. so, if you may be so inclined, could you be my boyfriend?”

you let your hand fall from his face and he sent you a playful glare before replying.

“despite the fact that your question was grammatically incorrect, i’m quite sure my answer is yes.”

“hush you.”

you looked into his eyes, and the both of you broke into a wide grin before he pulled you into a quick kiss.

"hold on, you said ‘like’. i said ‘love’, there is a difference in the-,”

you placed your finger on his lips and tilted your head as you smiled.

“i love you, too. is that better?”

“much.”

—

fifth grade was what renjun had said to you that night. you're in your last year of high school now. the confession was said a little more than 1 year ago. yet, your dynamic has changed remarkably.

you two don't just talk while expertly skipping over any hints at a love life anymore. you don't just hold hands ironically, only to pull apart with an offhand remark towards the clammy state of either of your hands anymore. you don't just eat lunch together because he’s your only close friend anymore. now, you do so much more than that. all the little things that were considered platonic, all the actions that the two of you did due to how close you were to each other had so much more significance to them now.

the times you two locked eyes across the hall, or a classroom, a smile would find its way onto your face, a warmth blossoming throughout your chest.

or when it’s ass’o’clock in the morning, yet not actually morning, renjun finds himself in his room, texting you. as if it’s routine, there’s never any real topic of conversation, he just wants to talk to you. you're half asleep yet you're doing everything in your power to send mildly coherent responses. it's not exactly going too well.

long after you've stopped replying for the night, and after the crickets have stopped chirping and the moon is shining her brightest, renjun wraps himself up in his thoughts. they used to shroud him in darkness, leave him cold, and choking on his sobs in the middle of the night. holes and spirals he'd go down, the escaping so much harder than the fall.

but now?

they wash over him gracefully, a cascade of emotions that can only be summed up to true happiness. he had you to thank for it. your smile, the way you hit something, or someone, every time you laugh, the way you don’t feel as if you have to act polite and cute in front of him.

he used to admire you from a position he thought he would stay in forever, so close to you yet so far from where he wanted to be. but now, you’re within his reach, within his grasp.

and it’s obvious from the closeness of your bodies as you walk the streets of seoul late at night, to the secret moments you share in bed together. the soft kisses exchanged, the questions you ask each other that the both of you may have to thank TOK courses for having the ability to answer. the intimacy of it all, it was addicting. it made both of you feel wanted, appreciated, and loved by the other.

which is why the night when renjun walked in on you sharing that intimacy with someone else, it hurt. the closeness of your bodies, the flirtatious giggles, all of it.

it hurt him so bad. he couldn't fathom the reality of it all. he questioned himself as he took in th scene before him. was he not enough? was he merely just an object now? no longer the person that made you happy? that made you feel loved anymore? did you not want him anymore?

his questions were answered when he heard you utter the words 'i love you' to the unknown person. his heart dropped. tears clouded renjun’s eyes as he stormed into your shared bedroom, heart torn in two. sadness and rage dying down to a mere dull ache in his heart.

you looked up quickly, eyes widening. your hair stuck to your forehead, face flushed and covered in a sheen of sweat. immediately, you pushed the other person away, who had attempted to cower under the covers.

"renjun...i-,"

he shook his head, still in disbelief but unwilling to near any sorry excuse you had at the moment. his eyes bored into yours, excpet they weren't relaying the love and compassion you had grown used to. it was anger.

"save it. i spent most of my life loving you. for an entire 10 years, my heart was yours. i didn't look at anyone else with the same adoration i held for you. i didn't even think about anyone else. you were it for me. you were the only one i truly thought i could spend my life with. but i'm pretty sure i won't be thinking of you like that for a long time now. so, i hope the person under the sheets knows that you're a fucking dick. and i hope you know that, too. especially you.”

as renjun’s ramble dies down, his heart swells tremendously, with emotions he can't describe, tears slipping down his cheeks.

he shakes his head again, bottom lip quivering. he wipes the backs of his hands across his cheeks as he turns on his heels and leaves. he hears his name get called as you rush to pull yourself together and chase him out. he doesn't listen, he keeps walking.

a hand catches his wrist, and he doesn't turn. he keeps walking, dragging you behind him without a single care.

"hey, i'm not a fucking toy wagon, stop fucking walking."

"why should i? why don't you go back to fucking around with that boy you love so much? he seemed cute. and if you don't want to get dragged, get the fuck off of me then."

"if i let go, you'll leave. i can't lose you, jun . i’m sorry, i’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart. just, please, don’t leave me. i can’t lose you, i can’t. i, i can change? it was stupid, that was stupid. i wasn't thinking straight and i'm so, so sorry. junnie please, i can't lose you.

he scoffed, still not glancing back.

"you lost me the moment you decided that that was a good idea. the moment you went behind my back to satisfy your need for something i obviously wasn't giving you. you haven't ‘had’ me for however long that’s been going on. get that through your thick, fucking skull."

at that, renjun pulls his wrist out of your grasp. you were spared no attention as he walked away, blending into the crowd.

oh, and then it started raining. well, that's always fun.

— © jijiluvr 2021, all rights reserved