PLEASE READ THIS, I'm Crying Over This In The Middle Of Night

PLEASE READ THIS, I'm crying over this in the middle of night😭😭😭😭

Isn't it Lovely?

🖤: Hyunjin x Reader | Han Jisung x Reader 🖊️: approx 6.3K 🚨: Hanahaki AU, there is so much trauma and Angst. Major character death. No hopeful ending. Angst- No Comfort. A/N: I am so sorry... Hyune I'm so sorry.. Jisung... I am so sorry.. Reader... I am so sorry...

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It was starting to get even harder to breathe. Hidden away in your apartment you forced yourself to finish the letters you started. You thought keeping it away from everyone was the best choice but as you sit in the darkness of your room you wish you had told someone. Anyone. You didn’t want to do this alone anymore. The more you wrote the more you cried, the more you wished you had just told one person- so one person would be there with you. 

You knew you couldn't tell anyone. You knew exactly what they had done had they known from the beginning. They’d have dragged you straight to a hospital and forcibly removed what slowly, and not so silently killed you. Your phone buzzed beside you and slowly you checked your messages. Jisung. You smile lightly at your phone. Tomorrow, you’d give him the box of letters. He’ll give out each letter. He’ll understand, right?

You sign the card meant for the top of the box addressed to Jisung,

Ji, 

Take this box and keep it safe. Please don’t open it, don’t look inside not until next week okay? Don’t ask me questions, just trust me okay? Next week open it, and give everything to the people they’re addressed to. Please. 

Thank you Ji, for always being there for me.

One more week. One more and everyone will know. Avoiding letting anyone know was always the best option. You know Jisung would have ripped you right out of the apartment and brought you to a doctor but you couldn’t live like that- having the flowers delicately taken out of you while they knowingly ripped out the feeling of love altogether. It would be no way to live- without the memory or feeling of ever being in love again. You couldn’t handle that- living as a shell of who you once were. 

One more week and you wouldn’t be on this earth anymore and everyone around you would be moving on with their lives. They’d have received the letters you had written them- maybe even shed a tear but eventually, they would come to forget you. Changbin would still be happy with Felix, and Seungmin would be attending his lectures and still trying to charm the girl in this English class. Jeongin would be cuddled up with his new girlfriend struggling to figure out what to do for their month anniversary. Chan would still be babying all of them, Minho would still be attempting to adopt new cats Hyunjin- Hyunjin would still be with the girl he had met in his art lecture. He would be happy, and in love as he always dreamed of. No one appreciated love the way he did, the way he saw love in such a beautiful way. The way you knew he would treat her with absolute respect and adoration, she would never need to fear losing him. He wasn’t that kind of guy. Life would simply, go on. 

Jisung would be the only one who would probably be more hurt than the rest. Being your best friend for so long. He had grown up with you, he had always been there for you. He was there when you found out you had the gene, the stupid goddamn gene that landed you where you were now. Cursed by your genetics, and betrayed by your heart- Hanahaki had taken over. Jisung always warned you to be careful who you’d fall in love with, he always told you to keep your heart closed off unless you knew for sure they could love you back- you did for the most part. You had your walls up until you met Hwang Hyunjin. 

Hwang Hyunjin destroyed the walls you had built to shield your very delicate heart. Hwang Hyunjin was the definition of a dream. Sweet, caring, attentive and the way he viewed the world was so beautiful. Anyone would have fallen for him, everyone did. Not only did he have such a gorgeous personality but he was also so incredibly handsome. Delicate features, and a toned body. He was ethereal, to say the least, a deadly combination of looks and sincerity. How could anyone not have fallen for someone who could easily be mistaken for an angel? 

You had first met Hyunjin through Jisung. They had met in college. The music major and the artist. They hadn’t always gotten along but once they realised they had a lot more in common than they had originally thought they became inseparable. The day you met Hyunjin was on his twenty-first birthday. It was cold out, the leftover freezing rain from the winter being poured out upon the earth as he and Jisung ran into your apartment soaked and shaking. You had quickly run to Jisung failing to properly notice the other standing beside him, taking his hands in your own as you tried to warm up the shivering boy. 

“Jisung you’re soaked! Oh my god get in the shower before you catch a cold I’ll dry your clothes!” You worried, 

“Y/N..” Jisung smiled, his teeth still chattering from the cold. “Y/N This is Hyunjin, he’s-” he lets out a soft sneeze, 

“Yes yes the artist Jisung I know- now get in the shower and warm up!” you look to the other boy, Tall, with long dark -wet hair that stuck to his face. His body trembling, “And you!” you say, “You’re next. For now in front of the heater!” you pointed to the small space heater you had set up in the living room where you were originally sitting- reading. Jisung hurries himself to the washroom, and Hyunjin sits quietly on the spot on the floor in front of the heater- his hands up in front of it as he attempts to keep them warm. “You’re shaking” you sigh as you drape your duvet over him. 

“T-thanks,” he says softly, “You know, spring shouldn’t be this cold.” 

“Well you two shouldn’t be running around in the rain, what were you thinking?” You said at you patter him down- 

“Han said we’d have more fun here, apparently Birthdays should be spent with friends and not at home watching dramas” Your eyes widen at the confession, 

“Happy birthday.” You smile, 

“Thank you-” 

“Now, this is going to sound weird but I really don't want you getting sick especially not on your birthday- undress in the bedroom and keep that blanket on you until your turn, I’ll get a head start on drying your clothes.” Hyunjin sits up watching you as you speak. He nods getting up slowly from his spot on the floor and heads into your bedroom. A few minutes later he emerges cocooned in your duvet clutching his clothes. He hands them to you and follows you to the laundry room- you throw them into the wash alongside Jisung's and run them on a light cycle. You were sure Jisung had left clothes somewhere in the guest room the question was where. With Hyunjin trailing you like a lost puppy you wandered into the spare bedroom and riffled through the closet. Surely he had something. You spot the blue gym bag buried deep in the back of the closet, with a light tug you drag it out of its spot and peek inside. Gym shorts, a tank top and a pair of sweats. 

“Well it’s not much, and you’re definitely taller than Ji but it’ll have to do until your clothes are clean and dry.” You hand him the bag, he fishes out the sweats and bows politely. 

“Thanks, honestly Your blankets are soft and all but uh- It’s weird being under someone's blankets naked and it wasn’t even for a good reason.” He laughs, and your brain freezes at the realization of what he’s saying. Your cheeks heat up at the image of Hyunjin under the blanket- naked for a ‘good reason’ No, no no- don’t think of that. 

“Uh, not to interrupt whatever the fuck is going on here but-” Jisung clears his throat at the door, his lower body wrapped in his designated towel, “Mind tossing the bag?” Hyunjin laughs as he holds the blanket closed with one hand and tosses the gym bag towards Jisung who almost manages to drop it as it falls into his hands, 

“I’ll uh-” you mutter, “Grab you a towel.” 

The rest of yours and Jisung's friends arrive an hour after the whole ordeal alongside a few others you didn’t quite fully know. Jisung sat happily in his shorts and tank while Hyunjin sat in front of the heater in Jisung's sweats. 

“Classy Hyune,” a boy you had seen on campus but never spoke to, “Meet a girl and suddenly you’re shirtless.” He smiles as he walks in behind Chan, 

“Y/N!” Chan smiles, “Taking care of the children I see” 

“Honestly as a single mother of three, you should really be helping out here more Chris.” You laugh, 

“Please I’m the one that takes care of Changbin and Felix. Your only responsibility is that one” Chan giggles as he points to Jisung. 

“Mom- Dad stop fighting” Felix chimes in, Hyunjin still sat quietly as he watched you interact with your friends. Jeongin swiftly takes his hoodie off and throws it at Hyunjin’s face. 

“Put a shirt on you heathen, we’re in the presence of a nice girl who’s helped you not get sick and you thank her by traumatizing her with your bare chest?” the same boy who has mentioned Hyunjin’s outfit- or lack thereof scoffs, “Apologies, he has no manners, I’m Yang Jeongin, unfortunately, i’m friends with the birthday boy so I will be taking responsibility for him” you smile at the boy, he seems sweet. Hyujin throws the sweater on, still carefully watching as everyone talks around him. 

“Please. Nice girl? Y/N spends half her time pants-less and the other half shirtless. If you think Hyune’s chest is traumatizing wait till you see her-” You give Seungmin a punch before he finishes his sentence, “SEE WHAT I MEAN? ANYTHING BUT NICE.” 

After that day the nine of you began to spend more time together. Hyunjin was often quiet, he enjoyed sitting back and observing the conversation. He’d speak up occasionally but most of the time it felt like he was studying everyone. Jisung had mentioned it for a long time Hyunjin just kept to himself. That was until he had started hanging around Jisung. Hyunjin had introduced him to Jeongin and from there the three of them had begun a small friendship. He mentioned how Hyunjin wasn’t usually this quiet around his friends and that maybe, he just needed to get used to the group. 

The more you spent time with the group including Hyunjin and Jeongin the more you got to know them (naturally as one would). You learned of Hyunjin’s love of art- and dance. You learned his favourite colours, foods, and seasons and that his favourite flower was the rose. You learned how he spoke softly around the group but when he spoke to you he was more- himself. He seemed to prefer one-on-one conversations to those with a group. He enjoyed watching everyone yell over each other but never wanted to speak over anyone. Oftentimes times the two of you would spend your time just talking to each other while the others yelled over one another. 

You got too close to him, too fast. You just didn’t know that at the time. 

He asked about your interests and your dreams, and he listened and responded thoughtfully to questions you’d ask. He’d bring you coffee and ask you to keep him company. You fell fast for him but you were only ever a good friend to him. 

“There’s this girl in my class.” Hyunjin sighs, “She’s sweet, cute. Her art is just, wow. She’s so talented, and I- god I feel so stupid Y/N” Your heart drops into your stomach. You lost him, yet he was never yours to lose. He’d always be your friend though right? So why does it feel like your heart just shattered? 

“You’re not stupid Jinnie, you admire her- so talk to her.” You smile as you bring the warm cup of coffee you’d been neglecting as you watched Hyunjn paint. 

“Should I?” He asks genuinely, and you nod. 

“Of course Jinnie,” 

The first date went well. Hyunjin came back to you and Jisung absolutely elated. He told the two of you how they had talked all night about art, their interests, and what they wanted to do in the future. He told you two how she had agreed to a second date and he how he hasn’t felt this excited about a girl in a while. He had unintentionally planted the seeds of your demise that night. Neither of you knew yet. 

By the third date, he had decided to officially ask her out. She said yes. She’d have been stupid to say no. That was the first time you felt the pain in your chest. You choked in attempts to take a breath, only to land yourself in a coughing fit- something stuck in your throat and you desperately forced the cough to rid yourself of it. You knew, yet what hurt the most was to see it fully. To fully let it sink in as you stared down at the rose petal covered in spit and blood laying on the palm of your hand. You cried for the first time over Hyunjin that night. 

Your group of nine had become a group of ten within a few weeks. Hyunjin brought his new girlfriend around quite often. He didn’t sit as close to you anymore, and when the group began to talk over each other he wouldn’t lean in to talk to you about how stupid they were all being. Instead, he whispered into her ear about- you wouldn’t know what. You watched, silently as your heart broke more. You could feel the sting in your chest, not only from the aching of heartbreak but the thorns puncturing your lungs as the roses grew. You excused yourself from the group, quietly heading to the furthest washroom in Chan's house. Heaving as you desperately tried to breathe, coughing up more of those delicate red rose petals. You didn’t think it would happen this fast. 

What neither you, nor Hyunjin noticed was the way Jisung watched you. Watched as the light in your eyes died out watching them- watched as you held back tears. He didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to accept it. Maybe the disease hadn’t come? Yes you had the genes for it- but maybe just maybe he was so lucky that you were unaffected by it. You’d have told him if something happened. You’d have told him if you were coughing up petals. You were his best friend and he was yours. He trusted you more than anything to tell him. You would- You would tell him. 

Jisung coughed that night. A small, purplish-blue petal forced it’s way up his throat. He stared down at it in horror. You didn’t love him as he did you. 

Almost a month later, Hyunjin had come to you asking for a woman's opinion on what to get his girlfriend for their month anniversary. You smiled through it, and the two of you went shopping- sometimes you thought you could pretend this wasn’t happening. That it wasn’t this god-awful disease of unrequited love attacking you. Sometimes you’d pretend you just caught a bad cold, and that Hyunjin was still your Jinnie, your close friend. Someone you’d love as a friend forever, but- reality was never so kind. He’d mention something she’d done that made him happy, or he’d see something she may like and ask you for advice and you’d feel the thorns, the threat of the roots squeezing your lungs until they could no longer garner any oxygen. Excusing yourself to the nearest washroom and barely making it inside before you coughed up more of the rose petals, you found that as the condition worsened, the blood that was once just specks and spots came out in larger quantities as time went on. 

 You’ve begun to hate roses. 

“Oh sweetheart-” an elderly woman whispered as she watched you whimper over the sink, she wiped away the blood from your mouth with a paper towel. “You should have those removed my dear.” You nodded and walked away quietly as she stood and watched you. Pitying you. You made your way back to Hyunjin who stood waiting near the benches just before the washrooms, the elderly woman behind you following along, “Deary-” she called out, but stopped as she eyed down Hyunjin. “That cough is quite heavy, I’d suggest heading home alone- lest the boy catch anything.” She smiles softly. She knows. She extended her hand offering a mask, “Rid yourself of that cough dear, it’ll be best.” was the last thing she said before walking away. 

“A-are you sick? What cough? Y/N Should you be resting!? You could have told me!” Hyunjin panics, as he quickly brings a hand to your face to check your temperature “You don’t feel warm, common Let's get you some tea and then home-” He says grabbing your wrist and gently tugging you along. 

“I’m fine Hyunjin honestly.” you sigh. 

You hid yourself away for a week after that day. Hyunjin and Jisung regularly came to check up on you to make sure you were recovering from your cold well. You lied. Saying you were fine and healthy again, and they both believed you. 

Once more you found yourself with the other nine in Chan’s house. Everyone sat around playing cards. Drinking, overall having a good time. You tried hard never to laugh too hard- god forbid you coughed up a flower in front of everyone. When everyone got bored- the group moved from inside to Chan's backyard. Quickly he started up a fire for the night, you watched as the flames rose and danced around the air before dissipating into the night. 

“You guys are gross!” Jeongin yells as he runs out of Chan's house, “Someone tell Hyunjin to be less gross.” he complains, the group laughs. 

“What did he do now?” You smile- only to regret the question immediately. 

“He’s so fucking mushy, can you do all your I love you’s in private and not with the group- like god not everyone wants to see your pda and shit” Jeonging yells, Hyunjin slowly making his way outside with his girlfriend's hand in his- laughing. 

“Please Innie, you’ll understand when you’re in love.” He smiles. Thank god for the summer weather- a small gust of wind pushes the smoke from the fire into your face and your coughs are easily excused as getting a lung full of smoke. You excuse yourself to hide away and spit out the soggy petals into the toilet. Cleaning your mouth out and quickly swish mouth wash around in it to avoid the iron scent of blood within it. You slowly make your way outside where everyone was still chatting away.

“You guys hear about Yeonjun?” Seungmin sighs, 

“Terrible isn’t it?” Hyunjin’s girlfriend says softly, “Hanahaki. Rare but devastating. I heard he’s having the flowers removed.” 

“That’s better than suffering.” Chan sighs, “I mean- what would you guys do if you had the gene and then- you know-” 

“I’d have them removed.” Hyunjin’s girlfriend says, “I’d rather lose the memory of the person than to die by suffocation.” you wince at the thought and let out a small cough, and the attention turns to you.

“Sorry, it’s like when you talk about lice and you can’t help but itch-” you mutter, “Talking about Hanaki is particularly uncomfortable for Jisung and I-” you sigh, as the others look to Jisung. 

“Yeah uh- we both, have the gene- but there's no guarantee it will happen you know?” he smiles up at you, “I mean neither of us has started coughing up petals and we’ve been in relationships before ya know?” 

“Isn’t it like a love thing though, not just a puppy love but like- oh god this is so mushy but like true love?” Minho asks, 

“There is no real science behind it-” you say, “You never know who will trigger it- it just happens.” 

“What would you two do if it happened, if I may ask-” Felix mutters, 

“I wouldn’t remove them.” You sigh, the silence that follows is deafening, the only sound is that of that fire and the slight rustling of the leaves in the summer wind. 

“W-why not” Hyunjin stutters, “You’d rather die in love with someone who doesn’t love you back than to live a long life and possibly find someone else?” Hyunjin didn’t mean to sound like he was judging- but it hit hard, it still hurt, 

“The thing about removing it Hyune, is that removal affects everyone differently. Some- lose memories of the person they once loved. Everything about them just- poof, gone. Others- they uh-” Jisung tries, 

“They’ll never be able to feel love at all ever again.” You finish. 

“Oh.” Hyunjin mutters, “Well if either of you ever falls in love with someone that triggers it- tell us. Okay?” 

“I wouldn’t keep it from you guys- I’m sure we're fine!” Jisung smiles. What no one knew was that Jisung was suffering. Hiding away just as you were. Neither of you went to the other to tell them what was going on because Jisung would rather suffer than have you pity him for loving you all this time. You had fallen in love and he saw it, and you had survived- unaffected by your cursed genetics. So he would spare you the details, he wouldn’t allow you to witness him- wilting away as he desperately held on to you. Your last memories of him would not be of him coughing up flowers. God forbid you ever found out. He would not allow it. 

You could barely move, barely breathe. Your lungs hurt to take in air, the coughing never stopped yet still you pushed- and pushed. You tried so hard to be normal around your friends, but soon enough you couldn’t push anymore. You hid yourself away. Claiming to be busy with work- You ignored calls, and didn’t open the door when people came looking for you. The coughing was so bad and the blood loss made you feel dizzy. Your time was coming. You clicked your phone on and sent a quick message to your friends.

STRAYS

Y/N: Movie night, my place friday @ 6 please I’ve been so shit without y’all 

Minho: SHE LIVES! Bet! See you there! 

Felix: Im down! 

You ignored the rest of the incoming texts. You had a mission, two days to complete it and it required all of your strength. You got up from your bed, dragging your bucket of petals alongside you as you planted yourself in the living room and began to write. 

To: Chris. 

To:  Minho.

To: Changbin. 

To: Felix

To: Seungmin

To: Jeongin

To: Jisung

To: Hyunjin

To: Mom & Dad

The last three of your letters being the most important. You needed to take your time with those three.

Jisung had decided to head over early. He was coughing still but not too badly, he felt fine enough to go hang out with you for a bit and help you set up. You had been working so much he was glad to finally see you- he just wanted to be the first one to see you. He made his way up to your door- opting to knock first before letting himself in, but when you didn’t answer he made use of his key and made his way inside. The apartment was quiet and dark. Perhaps you weren’t home yet. He made his way into the living room and sat himself on the couch, taking out his phone to call you. The confusion hit more when he heard your phone buzzing, but there was no effort from you to answer the call. 

“Y/N?” Jisung called out, but you didn’t answer. He made his way to your bedroom, knocking on the door softly. Still, nothing. He pushed the door open and immediately his legs gave out. Eyes watering, the cough returning in full force. The screams Jisung let out were heartbreaking. And thats how everyone else found him. Screaming, crying, and coughing up bloodied flower petals. Chan rushed to him instantly, picking him up off the floor in front of your room, 

“Han!” Chan called out to him, “Han talk to me what happened?” only then did Chan look up, and see what Jisung was sobbing over. “Felix.” Chan held back his tears as much as he could as he looked to Jisung, “Felix come here and shut the fucking door to her room, shut it- shut it now!” He yelled out, as Felix rushed to the door, Hyunjin let go of his girlfriends hand, making his way slowly to your door but Jisung looked up and glared. 

“Get out.” He spat, “Get out!” 

“H-Han” Hyunjin said in confusion, 

“GET OUT HYUNJIN GET THE FUCK OUT YOU DON’T GET TO SEE HER, YOU DON’T GET TO FUCKING SEE HER” He screamed, attempting to lunge at Hyunjin, “IT’S YOUR FAULT- IT’S YOUR FAULT SHE’S DEAD- IT’S YOUR FAULT!” Jisung was yelling on pure adrenaline, his mind wasn’t processing the words he was saying to his best friend. He needed someone to blame, and Hyunjin just seemed like the best answer. 

“FELIX! CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR” Minho yelled out, 

“Dead..” Hyunjin looks into your room just as Felix closes the door, the only glimpse of you he got was your hand hanging off the bed. Jisung’s screams were interrupted by more coughing, petals spilling out of his mouth as he clutched his chest, heaving. It took a moment to process but it clicked. You were gone. and Jisung was dying. 

“Uh, guys. We uh- we can’t leave her like that.” Seungmin sighs, as tears slowly stream down his face. “I’m going to go call the cops.” 

You never got to put the card explaining to Jisung to wait a week before giving out the letters. It lay in your room while the box lay collecting dust in the living room. Where everyone sat waiting for the authorities to arrive. Minho was ultimately the one to hand out the letters to everyone sitting around. 

No one read them until they had gone home. 

The funeral was nice. Jisung thought there was a terrible irony in the flower arrangement that decorated your casket. To die by roses, only to be buried with them in the end. You’d have hated it. The group hadn’t really seen each other since that day. Some of them had tried checking up on Jisung having learned of his condition but he simply ignored them. He couldn’t bring himself to tell them he’d be meeting the same fate because everyone had the same questions. ‘Who is it Jisung? Maybe if we tell them.’ No one noticed how Jisung loved you. 

He stood alongside your family, as guests came and went paying their respects to your family, him as your lifelong best friend included. Chan came up first, said a few words to everyone before he disappeared back into the crowd. Seungmin and Jeonging were next. Minho and Changbin followed after. When Jisung had spotted Hyunjin making his way up slowly to your family he half expected his girlfriend to be following along, but she made no appearance. You never did give his name to your family. You didn’t want them to blame him. 

Jisung wanted to blame him, but he knew he couldn’t. Hyunjin just didn’t know. It wasn’t a lack of caring, it was the complete lack of knowledge and Jisung couldn’t blame him for that. 

“My name is Hwang Hyunjin,” he said softly, “I’m-” he choked on his words, “I did it to her-” he sobbed, bringing his hands up to cover his face as he hid in shame from your family, “I didn’t know- I swear- If I had-” your mother places a hand on his shoulder, in attempt to comfort him, 

“It wasn’t your fault,” was all she could say as Hyunjin sobbed. Jisung excuses himself from your family, motioning for Hyunjin to follow him. The two of them find an empty hallway to talk in. 

“Jisung?” Hyunjin sniffles, as he tries to wipe away his tears that seemingly won’t stop. 

“I watched her fall in love with you Hyunjin. I watched her love you with everything she had in her.” Jisung coughs, it hurts to cough up the tiny followers you loved so much. Would he be the next to go? Probably. Hyunjin’s eyes grow wide as he watches the dainty petals fall from Jisung’s lips. Tiny blue and purple petals- covered in spit and blood.

Jisung was tired. He was so tired.  

“You know she hid it from us all? She died alone Hyune,” He takes a deep breath in, Hyunjin could see the way Jisung struggles to breathe- two people. Two people in his life with the same disease, how could he have been so blind to it? 

“I-” Hyunjin stutters, it was his fault. It was all his fault. “I didn’t know- If I had known Jisung- I could have-”  

“That’s not how love works Hyunjin and you know it. She didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to pity her, she didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to force yourself to love her because she was dying.” Jisung lets out another loud cough. “I’m sorry you know?” 

“Sorry?” Hyunjin mutters, “For what? I should be the one apologizing.” 

“For saying it was your fault she died-” Jisung sighs, “It wasn’t, I should have noticed but it wasn’t your fault. She hid it for a reason.” 

“You know, the worst part is- I can’t win in this situation,” Hyunjin sighs as he leans against the wall, sinking down to the ground. “If I had known she liked me, I’d have asked her out-” Jisung looks to him confused, “I always thought she just saw me as a friend- as someone she was close to- never- as someone she could love like that.” Jisung watches as Hyunjin takes out a crumpled piece of paper out of his coat pocket, “Didn’t know till she wrote it all out and she was gone. Should have seen Jisu’s reaction when she found out.” 

“How is she by the way?” Jisung asks, 

“Wouldn’t know, we broke up. Couldn’t be with her after I killed someone- She couldn’t handle knowing her friend died because of me either. She liked Y/N a lot. They weren’t that close but she liked her.” Hyunjin shakily hands over the piece of paper to Jisung. 

Hyunjin, 

Where do I even start? I guess, I start with I’m sorry. Probably should have told everyone sooner. I hope you’re not blaming yourself. If you are- please don’t. Please, please don’t. It’s not your fault. You know, since they told me I had the gene, I was warned. Warned to keep my heart guarded, warned to keep myself safe, not to love just anyone. I don’t regret it you know? I don’t at all. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t expect you to tear down those walls I had so quickly, but still, I don’t regret letting you in. 

I guess you probably have a lot of questions huh? 

Firstly yes, your shirtlessness when we first met did traumatise me :) kidding. But seriously. I’m sure you have so many questions that I wish I could just answer for you but- they’re a bit complicated.  So ill answer the ones I can think of right now, 

Does it hurt? Unfortunately. These kinds of flowers are, beautiful. Truly a symbol of love, but also dangerous and-, I can feel them in my lungs. It does hurt but it's bearable. 

How long? I think the first time I coughed up a petal was when you first asked out Jisu. How long had I been into you? Well, I’m not sure, to be honest. I think I took a liking to you after we had met, but I definitely knew when we would spend days together in your studio and I’d watch you get lost in your canvass. (I hope you’re still painting, by the way, you’re so talented. Don’t ever stop please.) 

Am I scared? Terribly. I wish I told one of you sooner so I don’t have to do this alone- Jinnie I’m terrified.

Why didn’t I tell you? For a lot of reasons but honestly, because you looked so happy with Jisu! Gosh, I hope you two are okay right now- selfish of me to be confessing to you over a letter after I straight up died, but honestly, wholeheartedly I hope the two of you are happy! You deserve to love and be loved. I’ve never met anyone who sees so much beauty in falling in love- who thinks of it in such a fairytale way. You deserve to be happy, so I guess that’s why I didn’t say anything. She loves you, and you her. And knowing that you’re happy makes it easier for me to leave. 

Jisung pushes the paper back to Hyunjin, he can’t read anymore. 

“You know, she ended it with ‘I love you Jinnie, live happily for me, and love strongly for me’ and I couldn’t even do that for her,” Hyunjin says softly, Jisung could tell he was breaking inside. Jisung could also tell he’d read through that letter like his life depended on it, like it would keep him grounded. 

“You have time to live happily Hyune- to love for her. You still have time,” Jisung says, 

“What about you-” Hyunjin could feel the tears threatening to breach again, he couldn’t lose another person. Maybe he could help Jisung, maybe he could do something- anything to save him. 

“They can’t love me back.” He sighs, “It’s fine.” 

“Who is it?” Hyunjin asks, “Maybe we could talk to them or something. We both saw how not saying anything ends, maybe if we just get you to talk to-”

“I can’t Hyunjin,” Jisung says somewhat aggressively, “She can never love me back, it was too late even before-”

“No- Maybe they can! Maybe we can-” Hyunjin panics as he cuts off Jisung, he can’t lose his best friend, he can’t. “We- we can-” 

“HYUNJIN SHES DEAD. SHE CAN’T.” Jisung shouts, and it clicks for Hyunjin, “Sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled, you’re scared and hurting. I know you just want to help but-” Jisung choked as he coughed, “There’s no helping this one and I think what hurts the most Hyune- is that loving you killed her faster than loving her is killing me," Jisung sighs, 

"What do you mean?" 

"I found her in full bloom. She had a rose bush growing inside her, thorns and all" Jisung sighs, “Roses out of her mouth, and chest- You know people romanticize it like it’s some beautiful display, but no one seems to remember how much blood comes with your chest bursting with flowers.” Jisung shutters. 

"R-roses.." Hyunjin stutters

"Yeah- fuck I shouldn’t have said that- sorry." 

"No- I just- wish I knew sooner." Hyunjin is about to burst, with more tears. He knows what Jisung is saying isn’t to place blame on him, but to help him understand what he was going through- what you went through, he also knew Jisung didn’t always know how to explain his feelings fully- but it didn’t make it hurt any less, it didn’t make him blame himself any less either  "What about you then-"

"Forget me not’s. small, but invasive. they spread fast - definitely not as painful as a rose but- still they hurt.  I’ll have them removed soon.” Jisung sighs, 

“You’re gonna do the surgery?” Hyunjin looks to Jisung, like he has some sort of hope in his eyes, and it kills Jisung inside, but he simply nods. 

It was getting harder to breathe as he stared down at the contract. Jisung knew this would be it. Removing them would only lead to him forgetting you. Forgetting how he loved you. Forgetting your smile, your laugh. How when you were happy you’d scrunch your nose. Or when you were upset or sad or had too much on your mind your leg would bounce subtly. 

Would Hyunjin had noticed all of these things? 

God. Jisung thought to himself. He should have just told you. 

He stared down at the contract once more, A violent coughing fit threatened to breach but he knew it wouldn’t ever feel better. The roots were already too far gone, hugging his lungs tight. Every day he could feel the small purple and blue forget-me-nots making their way up his throat threatening to burst out of his chest and mouth in full bloom. 

Slowly he rises from his seat. 

It’s time. 

Jisung never did sign the contract. Opting to go home. Lay down. And hug your sweater and one other thing that reminded him of you. 

“You always said you’d follow me to the ends of the earth” You smiled, a gentle one at him as get let out a breath. “Lets go?” and he did, he followed you to the ends of the earth. 

Hyunjin couldn’t even scream, something blocked out the screams he so desperately wanted to let out. His heart shattered. He could feel the physical pain of it breaking within his chest.

 Hyunjin found Jisung clutching a photo of you and him as kids. On the back, in pen, he had written his last words. 

If I have to let you go, I’d rather be dead.

Tag List: @chanlixiiee @amalieworldidk @jaebaebaegot7 @maeleelee @iadorethemskz @maenijw @hangin-out-with-the-street-rats @jinniespuppy @painstakingly-juno @lethallyprotected @elizalabs3 @jisungsbff01 @seungminslittlepup @lieghscloud @foxinnie8 @scarletbedlam @kpoppin-to-the-beat @stay-berry @bbymatz @kurxxmi

if you don't know - bang chan

genre: angst

pairings: idol!bang chan x fem. reader

warnings: none

notes: i've never published my writing publicly before but i was listening to 'if you don't know' by 5sos and i wrote this on a whim so i'm sorry if it's bad

wc: 1723

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

"go ahead rip my heart out, show me what love's all about,

go ahead rip my heart out, that's what love's all about.

i want you to want me this way, and i need you to need me to stay. "

'if you don't know' - 5 seconds of summer

you remember the day chan proposed.

he came home with bags of takeout after a long day of dance practice. the two of you chatting and exchanging stories that happened over the past few weeks but hadn't had the opportunity to be shared until that night. you remember how chan reached over to tuck a stray hair behind your ear so it wouldn't get into your food.

after, the two of you split up the cleaning tasks. you washed and dried the dishes. meanwhile, chan took out the trash, swept the floor and wiped down the table. he finished his tasks faster than he normally would and he opted to stand next to you. chan danced around, bumping hips as he sang whatever came to mind, giggles leaving your lips as you continued to scrub the dishes. he leaned down, placing a kiss on your cheek before letting you know he'd go wash up quickly, whilst you let him know you'd meet him in bed once you were done.

when you opened the door to your bedroom you didn't expect there to be rose petals scattered on the comforter. in shock, your eyes moved to the front of the bed where chan knelt on one knee, a black velvet box in his hands as he smiled up at you.

"y/n," chan opened the box to reveal a gold diamond ring inside.

the moment chan began speaking you remember feeling like you were dreaming. floating on cloud nine as he professed his undying love for you and his will to spend forever with you. you don't remember at what point in his speech your tears began to stream down uncontrollably or when you decided to cover your mouth that hung open at the sight of the man in front of you. all you remembered was the way he stared up at you.

his smile reached ear to ear, his eyes smiling at you in crescent moon shapes as his eyes sparkled, glistening over with tears. the moment you dropped to your knees, nodding and trying your best to utter the word "yes!" through your sobs, chan's tears also began to fall. you threw yourself into his chest and he rocked you both back and forth, repeatedly whispering in your ear how much he loved you, his excitement to spend the rest of his life with you.

it's been a year since chan proposed. the night replayed in your mind almost daily, subconsciously you feared that that moment would fade from your memory. you never wanted to forget how happy and in love you felt that night, how secure you felt in chan's arms.

now here you are.

your fingers fiddling with your ring as chan stands across from you, on the other end of the kitchen island. the both of you looking in each other's direction as your chests heaved slowly, your faces red with heavy breaths leaving both your lips. his body moves to slump over the kitchen island as his hands fold in front of him to support his body weight. chan's dark brown eyes scan over your face but avoids your gaze, his eyes looking more tired than they did almost two hours ago.

you clench your jaw as you pinch your eyes closed, leaning your head towards the floor, taking a moment to collect yourself and calm your frantic emotions. his eyes slowly move down to look at your hands which have turned white from how hard you're gripping at the edge of the kitchen island, scanning the gold band around your ring finger. you take another deep breath before looking in his direction once again. scanning over your face, chan notices the way your cheeks are damp with tear stains.

"what happened chan?" you wonder, your voice coming out whiny and broken, "we haven't gone on a proper date in months. when you get home we barely even speak and i can't remember the last time you told me you loved me these past couple of weeks. its like i barely even know you anymore!"

you watch as chan catches his bottom lip between his teeth, nibbling at the skin instead of responding to you. you move from your spot standing behind the counter and to the dining table, taking a seat on one of the chairs before your knees go out from how rapidly your heart is pounding.

"what am i here for still chan? just to do your laundry, cook your meals and clean the apartment?" you gesture to the dining table next to you.

you cooked dinner in hopes that you would be able to have a freshly cooked meal together only for chan to text you that he would be back later than usual and not to wait up. ending up with you eating a warm meal three hours before he came home to eat the leftovers sitting on the table in a tupperware.

"i'm your girlfriend, not your maid or a house sitter. fuck, i'm not even your girlfriend, i'm your fiance chan!"

your fingers go to the gold band around your ring finger, as if the more you touch the ring the better the end of this conversation would go.

"say something, please!" you plead, crying out to the man who's still leaning against the kitchen island, his eyes focused in your direction but avoiding looking directly into your eyes.

"i'm sorry," he mumbles, "i-i don't know what else to say other than i'm sorry."

"do you still want me? do you still want us?" you ask him in a hushed tone, your voice breaking at the end of your sentence. you're scared for his answer. you've never once felt scared or nervous about asking chan about his feelings toward you until this very moment. your heart pounds in your chest as you see the way his eyes change.

"of course i still want you! i love you, i want to build a family and be with you forever! you're my forever y/n!"

you want him to say that. you wait for him to say those words but he doesn't.

he doesn't even utter anything along those lines, let alone any words at all. his lip is still between his teeth as he stares in your direction, his eyes emotionless. even as he watches the tears fall faster he stares emotionlessly.

"chan."

"i'm sorry but i don't know," he drops his head into his hands, "i don't know what i want anymore."

you feel your heart skip a beat as you choke up a sob. the weight on your chest suffocates you as your heart drops, shattering into millions of pieces. your fingers stop their fidgeting at the band on your ring finger, falling away and onto your lap.

it feels like the world has stopped.

the room stills, the only sounds are your sobs and whimpers. neither of you moving an inch from where you are currently as the situation slowly sinks in. chan's head is still in his hands as he listens to your cries, he questions himself on why he doesn't feel anything; why he feels nothing listening to the gut-wrenching cries of his lover, the person he once believed he would spend the rest of his life with, the person he couldn't see a future without, why does the thought of losing you not phase him.

he hears the sound of the chair scraping against the floor, slowly he looks up from his hands and he finds you standing in front of him. your eyes red and heavy avoiding his gaze, cheeks flushed and damp with tears. your small hand moves to wrap around his wrist, your left hand curled into a fist coming up and resting on his palm. chan's gaze moves from your hands before he focuses on your face again.

"convince me to stay," you whisper, almost inaudibly, "please."

chan can hear you, loud and clear. he gulps and releases a shaky breath, "i'm sorry."

you hear a part of your brain telling you to fight, fight for chan and your relationship.

but you're tired, exhausted. your heart is pleading with your brain to stop, telling it that it hurts too much to hold on. telling it that you're too tired to be the only one who wants this, to be the only one fighting. that small urge to fight for chan fades as your heart gets progressively heavier in your chest.

you pinch your eyes closed again as you nod slowly. painfully trying to acknowledge the situation laid out in front of you, trying to accept it as if your whole world isn't crumbling at your feet. your breath hiccupping as your eyes meet his for the first time since this conversation began two hours ago. maybe even the first time in the past couple of weeks that the two of you have looked into each other's eyes.

the longer chan looks into your eyes, the more he notices just how much has changed.

chan remembers the way your eyes sparkled on your first date. the way you would tear up when you laughed really hard, your eyes glistening as you laughed out loud. he remembers the way your eyes softened and lit up when he told you he loved you for the first time. whenever he came home from a bad day, looking into your eyes would wash him over with a sense of relaxation, comfort and stability; chan had always felt like everything would be okay the moment he looked into your eyes.

but now the once bright, sparkling orbs full of life that he fell in love with were now devoid of life, dull and dark. he can see the pent up exasperation in your sunken-in, tired eyes. your eyes stare into his; almost like you were searching for something that he wasn't saying. searching for the slightest hint of love, of longing for you, of heartbreak, a reason to stay.

slowly, you open your hand that's laid on top of his. your nails gently scraping the surface of his palm before chan feels something drop into his grasp.

your engagement ring.

you take a step back, your eyes never leaving chan's as you take one last good look at the man in front of you.

"goodbye, chan."

part two

☆ trying ☆

♡ genre ¿? ♡ -> heavy angst ; no happy ending ♡ pair ¿? ♡ -> maknae line!skz + sibling!reader (gender neutral) ♡ plot ¿? ♡ -> your brother failed you and now it was too late to redeem it. ♡ warnings ¿? ♡ -> swearing ♡ request ¿? ♡ -> yes!

hyung line

-> the scenario

remembering was hard to you, thinking about the old days just didn’t seem right. it was a different life, a different air and a different kind of worry you had. you enjoyed your brother’s company a lot when you were younger, he was your best friend even if he was older than you. you had a strong bond (or that’s what you thought), a connection that you didn’t find anywhere else and when he hugged you, you felt protected like nothing could hurt you.

growing up always leads to people changing through time. so when you started to drift away from him, you knew things weren’t going to go exactly how you wanted them to be. you really did try to keep the relationship you formed with him going but it was no use when it was all one sided. that still didn’t stop you from trying even if you would leave empty handed, you just wanted to tell him how much he meant to you and you wanted to keep on supporting him. it was safe to say that only brought out fights since he didn’t want you there in the first place and when you’re in your teenage years, you really don’t know how to solve things without fighting.

when he started being a trainee, it was worse. you could handle him not wanting you there and making a fuss about it, you couldn’t handle the silence though. you couldn’t handle the cold shoulder every time he saw you or the way he couldn’t even look at you. even worse was the fact that you barely saw him because of how much time he spent at the jyp building training and when he debuted, he never told you. he told the rest of your family of course but you had to find out through your mom. no message popped up on your phone, no phone call, nothing, it was radio silence and you were done.

it was easy to say that if he wasn’t gonna put in his part as your brother, then you were not gonna be his little brother/sister anymore. it was too late to fix anything, especially the mess he created in the first place. it was unfair and you didn’t feel like putting up a fight anymore.

jisung ✉

he still fondly remembers when he chased you around, when he read to you and when you took his toys away. now as an adult stepping into his old house, he felt like home wasn't where he belonged anymore just because he lost the connection he used to have with you. he loved his older brother to death and he still had contact with him yet he knew it would never be the same for the two of you.

even if he tried to redeem it now (which he wanted to of course), he felt lost in even knowing how to take the approach. how do you talk to someone who you haven't spoken to since you were teenagers? the last time he remembers having a proper conversation with you was so long ago and yet the memory still lives in his mind because that's where it all went down.

"(y/n) hey..." he said and that's all he could come up with when he saw you in the living room. his suitcase next to him at the entrance door as you looked at him up and down. it wasn't a judging stare, more like an "i don't care about you" look and if those eyes didn't hurt then he knew your words would.

"oh hi, i'll be leaving soon so don't mind me." you said and he did notice you were all dressed up to go out. he sighed since the least thing that he wanted right now was for you to leave but at the same time if you stayed it wouldn't be easy to talk. he missed the comfort atmosphere you two had and the way you would listen to each other.

"can we talk? when you get back of course." he asked and clarified which made you look at him confused. there was nothing to talk about from your part, you were done with seeing him and you were gonna try to avoid him for as long as he stayed.

"i don't think that would be good." you said as you got up to head out the door but jisung was right there and you couldn't pass. his big eyes looking at you, pleading you to just have one conversation with him but you weren't gonna give in at all. "please jisung, i am handling enough with just seeing you right now."

"why are you like this? i really wanna fix it and you're not helping. i wanna be your brother again, i'm done acting like we're strangers." he exclaimed frustrated and that only made you boil with anger because he clearly was only thinking about himself and how much he was the one trying but when you were the one trying to keep it alive, he ignored you.

"fuck off really. you were the one who started acting like we were nothing and now you want to be back in my life? i am good, thank you." you said, giving him a sarcastic smile as you moved him out of the way and went out. he could only stare at you as you walked away, it felt like you were walking away from his life forever and that only left the worst feeling on his chest.

felix ✉

he really did feel like he fucked everything up. he had the best relationship with his sisters, why didn't he have it with you? you were the closest to him at one point and now you were basically like a ghost in his life. he didn't call you, didn't text you, didn't see you and didn't even hear from you. his whole family knew about the situation you two were going through yet none of them made a move to help because they knew how stubborn you two were.

"why are you here?" you asked as you stepped out of work. his stubborn nature was still there but he wanted to put in the effort, he wanted to solve the tension and recover his sibling. that's all he needed in his life right now to be happy since everything was going so well but he couldn't feel like everything was good if he didn't have you.

"i thought i could come pick you up. i should've told you i'm back in australia for a couple of days but-" he tried to explain but you cut him off before he could finish.

"you forgot just like you forgot about me this entire time, yeah." you said and that made him almost run out of air because it took everything from him. he started to understand that you were not the stubborn one, that you were hurt by his actions and you wanted to stay away from him because of it. who was he to blame you? he left you in the dark and now he was facing the consequences.

"(y/n) i'm sorry. it's too late to apologize i know but i really wanna make things right now and i missed you like crazy. i'm now realizing that what i did was very wrong of me and i would take it back if i could." he said in between mumbles and it did make you feel like he was being honest. but like he said, it was really too late for apologies and for being sorry when you moved on. 

"you're now realizing? after so many years? i waited for you to call that day and you never did." you said with tears in your eyes that were spilling like waterfalls. he couldn't stand seeing you cry and he couldn't place when exactly you were expecting him to call which only made him feel like a worse brother. "i hope you'll be happy but it's not gonna be with me in your life."

he let you walk away because what else was he supposed to do? then he remembered what you were talking about. the day he debuted, he called his mom, his dad, his sisters and he didn't call you. he didn't feel pathetic for crying in a parking lot, he just felt broken.

seungmin ✉

he did try to see you, that's what he was thinking about right now. he told his parents and older sister to tell you to come to one of his concerts, he really wanted you there because it had been so long that he felt like this would be a good chance to reconnect. needless to say he didn't see you backstage when his parents came in with his sister but there was no presence of you up close.

at first he thought maybe you were just arriving late or something happened. but when he asked, he got the dreaded response from his sister that you had said no and decided to stay home. it hurt knowing that you weren't gonna be there when he needed your presence out there and you could say that made him a little mad. maybe he was being irrational but it felt like you were pushing him away when all he wanted was to fix things.

"(y/n) why aren't you here?" he asked over the phone when he was in his dressing room with little to no time left for him to be on stage. he should be rehearsing, resting his vocals but he was instead calling you because he needed an answer.

"why should i be? i'm not your sibling anymore." you said as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet and it only made him confused. okay yeah you had a period of time where you did not speak to each other (or he didn't speak to you to put in better words) but he would never stop considering you his sibling.

"what the fuck are you saying? of course you are. if this is about what happened when we were younger, we need to put it behind and let it go because i can't deal with that anymore." he said and he knew he chose his words in a harsh way but he was so done at the moment. he didn't know that by saying that, he only made you want to distance yourself from him even more.

"it's so easy for you to say that when you don't know what you put me through. i cared about you so much and i looked up to you but now i'm just so done with you and i don't want to see you ever again." you said as you hung up leaving a shocked seungmin that almost dropped his phone. it made him want to cry, to protest, to throw something at the wall.

he did ruin it for good this time, he should've never called and never invited you. not because he was angry but because he just made it worse every time, he dug himself deeper into a hole because he just would never be the brother you deserved.

jeongin ✉

when you're constantly being treated like you're the youngest, you sometimes forget you're the oldest in some contexts. he definitely knew he was a role model to his younger brother and that his older brother was proud of him but all he cared about nowadays as he thought more and more about it, was your opinion about him. you didn't see him with loving eyes anymore and the more time he stayed in his old house with his family, the more he wanted to leave. not because he didn't feel at home anymore but because he just couldn't take the tension.

"(y/n) i need to talk to you." he said as he walked in your room, he didn't even bother knocking on the door. he needed to get everything off his chest before he left and regretted not doing anything about your relationship. he hadn't spoken to you in so long that he almost stumbled on his words.

"i really don't wanna talk jeongin." there was no more innie and jeo, it was just his name out of your mouth like it didn't mean a thing. you weren't even looking at him and a sense of shame built up in him because he was just so sad, so embarrassed to have been the worst brother to you.

"i know but i'm gonna go tomorrow and i feel like i need to say this before i blow up." he expressed and now you were looking at him waiting for an answer. he thought ot the words on his head just like he processed lyrics so many times on stage and let them out. "i want to say that i'm sorry about everything. i failed you as a brother and as a friend, we were so close before and now i'm wondering if we could be close again. i miss spending time with you and i'm sad that we didn't get to talk all this time that i've been here."

"we can't." you said calmly and he looked at you confused. "we can't be close again because i am better off not waiting on you. even now i almost had hope that you would try to approach me sooner but you're doing this when you're leaving."

"i didn't want to upset you or make you feel uncomfortable." he tried to reason but you just shook your head. it was so obvious to you that if you did fix things now, you would be left in the dark again when he went back to his idol life again and would forget all about you.

"well it was the worst week so far. it reminded me of when you were training and you wouldn't even talk to me." you said and he remembers that all too well, it left a print on his mind as he tried not to think about it but knew it was all he would think about. "please get out jeongin, i would rather not talk to you anymore."

and he did as you asked, he got out of your room and out of your life. he would have to live with the guilt of never being able to repair the bond that he once formed with his little sibling.

Beautiful

Tw: Insecurities (body image), hurt/comfort, best boy christopher, it doesn't specifically state that the reader has an ed but it's implied (past or present)

I looked at my waist in the mirror as I turned to the side. I rubbed my hand over my belly fat as I remembered the night before. I'd binged again, and now I was dealing with the aftermath, bloating. I knew I was supposed to love my body, it does so much for me, but how the hell was I supposed to even look at it when I see so many women out there with small waists, thighs, arms, stomachs..

"I have a fat ass though." I noted as I turned a bit more. I looked at my face and criticized my chubby cheeks , rubbing a hand over them and feeling small bumps. I shut my eyes in defeat as I sighed again and put my arms on the counter, steadying myself.

"Wow...That dress fits you like a glove." I heard my boyfriend say from behind me.

"It's not supposed to, it's supposed to be loose here-"

"Hey, you look absolutely stunning, baby." He said as he wrapped his arms around my waist and tucked his head into the crook of my neck.

"You're gorgeous.." He whispered as he stared at me in the mirror.

"Chris.."

"Look," He backed up and twirled me slowly, "the bottom flows, it gives you the snatchiest waist ever." He mocked a girls voice, causing me to laugh.

"There's that pretty smile." He said as he pulled me closer, kissing my nose softly.

"What's got you down, baby?" I sighed as I leaned into his arms, he wrapped his around me again and pulled me close.

"I don't know, I just, have a very bad relationship with my body today." He nodded in understanding.

"Well, can I help?" He asked, causing me to raise a brow.

"C'mere." He brought his hands under my thighs and lifted me into the counter and set me down.

"Look at those pretty eyes." He made his point by bringing his fingers dangerously close to my eyes and pointing.

"Pfft!" He made an 'ahah' sound.

"And that gorgeous smile. I think about it countless times a day." I smiled at him softly.

"Those cute little dimples, and that single freckle on your cheek." He kissed the freckle to emphasize.

"The shiniest hair and an even brighter forehead." I smacked his arm softly, making him cackle.

"That sense of humor that causes everyone to light up around you." He nuzzled our noses together and softly pulled me back to my feet, turning me to the mirror again.

"That body, curves like no tomorrow, and don't get me started on your thighs. Your hands, so fucking soft, I have no idea how you get them so soft, but I know when I have a hard day, you'll be there and welcome me with those beautiful arms of yours." My eyes were watering at this point as he kissed my neck softly before turning me around.

"But the single most beautiful thing about you, is your soul. Your amazing heart, and your strong drive. You love so hard and passionately, and that makes you the most radiant woman in the world. You are my girlfriend, my magnificent, alluring, and charming girlfriend. You touch the hearts of everyone you come across, and that's why you make it so easy to love you. So. Next time you wanna say something mean about yourself, think about me, would I appreciate someone saying something bad about my girlfriend? Nope. So-" I cut him off with a hug as I sobbed into his chest.

"I love you so much.." I whimpered into his chest.

"I love you more," He lifted my chin to look at him in the eyes, "every," he kissed me on the forehead softly, "single," nose, "part," left cheek, "of," right cheek, "you." And when he placed that last kiss on my lips, I couldn't even think of what I was thinking before. All I could think about was how my boyfriend viewed me and how I wanted to view myself. A beautiful person, with an even more beautiful heart.

This really hit home for me. I've been struggling with body issues and eating issues lately. If you're struggling with body issues, I just want you to know that your are loved, and no one is worth more than anyone else because of their body type. Your body deserves to be loved by you, we all deserve love, no matter of our body type. I'm sorry if this story isn't as good as my other works, I feel like I've sort of lost my touch for writing.

Just like simple dimple but feel heavenly

home is with you :

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

# bgc x gn: reader ! ( fluff ) ;

cw : mentions of anxiety , sweetheart christopher , chris is a workaholic ( duh ) , pure fluff , pet names : baby , angst if you blink !!

a/c ; lowkey don’t like this, just wanted to write about chris !! 💌

wc : 439 ?!

your hands trembled in fear. standing in front of chan’s studio, your legs slightly faltered; you knew how much your boyfriend hated to be pestered whilst doing work, but you missed him. 

it was nearing midnight and all your calls and texts had been shut away– so you figured to reach him in the way he couldn’t ignore you. you lean your head against the door, but everything is tranquil. you can only listen to the A.C floating in the background. hand hovering on the doorknob, your fingers think faster than you do– wrapping around the handle and swiftly opening the door.

he is there; immersed in his computer, sleeves of his hoodie rolled up, light hung over him, and he is gorgeous. you’re stood awkwardly at the doorway, unwilling to take his attention away from work.

he, however, seemed to notice the change of aura in the air. his head snaps towards you and his heart flutters; you’re wearing his shirt with a jacket layered atop of it– his jacket. his eyes peek over to his phone, reviewing the time: ‘11:49PM’. 

the way his eyes softened at you blew all your anxiety away. “channie, i-i’m sorry to interrupt but i miss you.. a lot.” you mumbled, eyes scanning over his features– trying to find any hint of anger– but he smiled. the same smile that makes your heart beat louder, faster and harder.

he sighed, “sorry baby, i’ll be done soon okay?” his feet push against the floor, chair rolling away from the table. “come sit while i finish up.” his voice is tender, and he softly motions towards his lap. you waste no time straddling him, arms wrapped around his neck. you feel his left arm curl around your waist, pulling you closer to him. your head is nuzzled into his neck and a smile creeps up your face. “i love you.” you whisper, you feel his heartbeat on your chest. 

“i love you too.” he giggled, and you feel at home. chan’s love washing away the flame of worry in your body, and you feel at home.

a few moments pass before he speaks up again, “sorry i’m working so late.” he murmurs, placing soft kisses on your temple. “let’s go home now, yeah?” he proposed, voice hushed in case you’d fallen asleep.

“‘m already home.” you chimed, arms squeezing him slightly. you can’t see it, but you’re sure he has a stupid dorky smile on his face– you do too. “you’re such a flirt.” he snickered, lifting you up along with him; your legs wrap around his waist, and you feel your eyes power off.

Your behaviour is so…UGHH

A/N: this is my first post. I’m kind of just writing it because I really want something super angsty right now 💀 (I’m listening to music and ive shuffled all of stray kids music and drive just came on LMAO)

Summery: Chan had been working late for a while but today was important, he missed Y/Ns birthday.

Bang chan x Gender neutral reader

Chan had been late again. All week he had worked late but you expected that he would atleast be home for your birthday. You had a party and you had reminded him atleast 12 hundred times. He was your most important guest. He had reassured you again and again that he would be there.

You had been looking forward to today for so long. You tried never to get in the way of your boyfriends work because you knew how important it was to him.

But in your heart, you felt it when he was away a lot.

Secretly in your mind, today would be special because you had a legitimate reason for him to be there. You would have a day to show off your favourite person in the world.

But it didn’t happen. As every hour ticked by, your heart broke a little more. You spent the party constantly glancing at the clock. Most of your friends didn’t mention him not being there. Although you had expressed your excitement to them multiple times in the days before.

The looks of pity felt as though they were burning your resolve ever so slowly.

When everyone left, you sat in the middle of your room on the floor, staring at the wall of the now very messy room. Tears pouring down your face.

It felt like you were alone in this relationship. You tried your best to be there at every one of his milestones. Every time he had an important event or just his birthdays. Not only for him but all the members.

It took so much of you to go to award shows. An event where you both had to pretend you didn’t know each other outside of work. But you were there. Because he was. Moral support.

You sat there for a while with no sense of time until your phone buzzed.

A tiny part of you hoped that it was him.

It wouldn’t do much now though would it?

It was your most consistent friend, pinterest. You let out a strangled laugh. Then you took a breath and started to clean everything. Once that was done, you started to pack.

Enough was enough.

It was very late into the night when you got done with all of this.

As you finished clearing the apartment of your things, you heard the front door unlock. The sheer amount of panic that started to course through you was terrifying.

You froze for a second when you heard steps approaching you.

He opened the bedroom door while looking at his phone.

‘Hey baby, you still up? Its- uh, you going somewhere?’ He said as he noticed your bags.

‘I’m going away… for a while…’ You said while looking down.

He started to look worried, ‘away? Away where? How long’s a while? Why do you need to go?’ He put the stuff he was holding on a side table.

‘Chan, I need to leave. I can’t be here. Its too much for me to constantly feel like I’m waiting for you,’ you hurried with gathering the last of your things.

‘What? Waiting for me…? Why? What happened?’ He started walking over to you but you backed up. He stopped, instantly with a look of hurt.

‘Have you seen the date?’ With that, his face dropped. He nervously laughed.

‘No no no, that’s not today, its not-’ he took his phone out and saw the date. He was stunned. ‘I’m so sorry, I could’ve sworn your birthday was tomorrow…I was too distracted all day to be able to get to my phone.’

You looked so hurt, ‘now you won’t have to worry about remembering things. Things that aren’t as important. I won’t bother you with anything.’

You grabbed your things and made a move to the door but he moved to block you.

‘It is important! I was just really distracted. I had so much going on in my mind that I lost track of time. I swear, I’ll make it up to you, just don’t leave,’ he pleaded.

‘You still have to make up for the last 3 dates you missed. What? Should I tack this onto the list? But also be mindful because you will take on 3 more projects at the start of the next week.’ You couldn’t do it anymore. It was constantly one thing after another. You constantly felt like the bad guy but you wanted to be supportive and he said he would try. But then he didn’t. He always had a reason not to. And you couldn’t do it anymore.

‘You know I’m not doing it on purpose. It’s just part of my work,’ he looked so worn out, you had to look away otherwise you would give up.

‘I can’t do this right now. And from the looks of things, you can’t either. Trying just isn’t cutting it anymore. I need to be anywhere but here.’

‘Y/N please… I can try harder… I’ll find a way… just… don’t leave…’ his voice breaking.

‘If you care about me even a little, don’t say anything else. Just let me go. Atleast for a bit. I need to do this,’ you started to leave again but he didn’t stop you. He stood there, still. Looking at the floor.

And you left. Not knowing what would happen next. When or if you would even see him again.

Note: please remember to like or reblog (I’m not too sure how tumblr works lmao)

Gimme suggestions on prompts you might want :)

Part 2

[I’ve tried to look over it but if there’s anything that isn’t gender neutral about the reader, lemme know and I’ll fix it]