When I Say "bisexual," I Mean Vampire-coded And Werewolf-coded.

When I say "bisexual," I mean vampire-coded and werewolf-coded.

I've never wanted my dad to die die. Not that I recall, anyway; like I'd legitimately be sad if he did go, and it scares me to know that it could happen at any point in time.

But the other day, my dread for that possibility worsened, because I remembered that if he does die, they'll be expecting me to give a speech. As his kid, as his firstborn, as someone who knew him and someone he loved, all that stuff. And I really, really don't know what I'd even say.

They don't want to hear me talk about the weird fears and control issues and insecurities I have because of him. They don't want to hear about my inability to do work in front of people, or about how I almost flunked out of highschool because of him, or how the sound of the garage door meant that the worst part of every day was about to start, or how I struggle to shower now and wonder if it's his fault.

They want to hear how much I loved him, and about all the good memories I have about him. And I know that they're there, I know that I have loved him and that in some ways, I still do, and I know that there are good memories, but I just don't remember them.

I do know that I'll cry at his funeral, regardless of what happens, because I can always cry when I see the people around me doing it. But I don't know what words I'll put with it.

If you've nothing nice to say, say nothing. Do I lie? Do I exaggerate? Do I decline to speak? Act like I can't get the words out? I don't know what I'm meant to do, and the prospect frightens me.

Still trying to figure out how to ask my (monosexual) partner how they'd feel about me starting HRT. I feel like I'm kinda beyond saving on the dysphoria thing, but it'd be nice to try it.

If it comes down to "if you do this, I can't promise that I'll continue to find you attractive," I'm ultimately willing to end our romantic relationship and try to stay friends, but if there's a world in which I can love my partner and my body, it's a world I would like to see.

And I'm closeted to my family, so even if I did end up pursuing HRT, we could still have a few years together before I get it, but I just don't want to walk them into a relationship that they will ultimately want no part of.

What happens when the person they claim to love ceases to exist in its current state? I just need to ask. I just need to draft the message and hit send.

Guess I'm just afraid of hurting them, and of ruining what we have for a medical treatment that I ultimately may never get, eh? It's everything to win and everything to lose.

GoodTimeWithScar fell from a high place

the post office team :))

(some bgs!)

(the designs!! i remember something about pearl being a salmon at the beginning of this season? but i don't rly remember. tango is inspired by @/brick-rolled, their design is so good!! etho is inspired by todd from scott pilgrim lollll)

I need to proceed with my university work, but instead, I made a tumblr account to hit my friends with a pawprint. God help me.