Katieamica - Sammy It's Okay

Some people get the wrong idea, you know. If you’re quiet and you’re just not the most gregarious person, that you’re like.. I don’t know, self-involved, rude possibly, frigid. I get that a lot from people who don’t know me, like online all you guys think I never smile, ever. It’s not true. I do smile sometimes.”

” I have a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve become. “

- Kurt Cobain’s suicide note, 1994

Joe Azure

hence the hiatus

i'm careful to use the term depressed. i don't know how you act or feel when you are depressed but i know it's a serious thing to be, and it's not to be used lightly. i don't think i'm depressed.

last night was, what i'm thinking, probably my official breaking point. i was ready to hurt myself, for real, for the first time ever. i've had a tough couple of months, and the last week especially has been... honest to god, hell for me. the fandom and the wank there are just getting too much, which has been going on for a while. but then i got hate and then people sent my girlfriend hate because of me. it wasn't even hate to her, it was hate to her about ME. which i don't get? i don't get hate at all, but, ???

and i acted stupidly yesterday. i feel like i'm in no control of my emotions, i keep hurting people without meaning to, i don't see when they hurt the way i used to before. i did something that had huge consequences for my relationship and today my girlfriend broke up with me. i'm not even sure if she likes me talking about it openly, but that helps ME getting through it. not having to talk to a specific person, just write it down. i don't know if anyone will read this, but it always helps me to write things down on my blog. that's how i am. i can't help it.

but yeah, she broke up with me and i get it. i totally do. i told myself i wouldn't beg for her to re-concider but i did. i'm in love with her, y'know? how could i not? but we're not getting back together. which hurts as fuck but i'm supporting her decision 100% present. if that's what makes her happy, if that's what she needs, then i won't stand in the way. not only am i in love with her but she's my best friend and i don't want her to be hurt.

i just want us to remain friends. that's all i want. that's all i need.

so this is why i'm on hiatus. it won't be long, a week tops. or so i think right now.