The Greatest Hurt

The Greatest Hurt

I know I destroyed the love. It is a shame that also broke the friendship.

2024/03/13

Only In My Mind

Now I truly understand *Eponine when she sings “On My Own”.

“… And I know it’s only in my mind, That I’m talking to myself and not to him. And although I know that he is blind Still I say, there’s a way for us. I love him... I love him, But only on my own.”

How sad.  Turn all the pronouns to their feminine form, and this is my heart for the one I let go.  There is no going back.  Too much time has passed by, like the waters of the Seine, but still, on my own, I love her.  Is there any greater love than a love that asks for nothing, makes no demands, and even as it is given, it is known it will not be returned?

*Character from “Les Miserables”

2024/03/10

Yet Again

In the early morning fog between sleep and waking, you came again – unbidden.  The dream started as the usual sort, jumbled thoughts of a recent past life with things that never happened, as if they would happen.  Those images of things gladly left behind gave way to you, and a heavy feeling of loss and regret.

We seemed to have a tentative relationship, which filled me with optimism.  The real past was real, but at this moment we were engaging each other; me full of remorse and longing, you keeping me at more than arm’s length, yet there was a glimmer of hope.  We were interacting, and I did not want it to stop.

As sleep gave way to waking, those restless moments lying in bed not yet ready to get up but also unable to go back to sleep, when our minds ramp up like an old locomotive building up steam, I began to wonder, why has neither of us become engaged with another these 15 years after the divorce?

Did I break both of us?

2024/07/04

The Love, Not the Pain

This July, the separation will be 15 years old, and you are still in my heart and dreams.  It wasn’t that way with my first marriage.  If not for my child, I would have purged her from my thoughts in a matter of days.  But you linger like Casper – the friendly ghost.

Last night, in my dream, Alex and I went to a movie.  I had a feeling you were there, but I did not look for you, acknowledging your need for boundaries.  For some reason, I had a backpack.  I set it down on the seat to my right.  Alex presented her new glasses, and asked my opinion.  It was a wonderful father-daughter bonding moment.

Then you appeared.  You pointed to the seat next to the backpack, asking, “Is this seat taken?”  I said, “No”.  You sat down.  I do not know why the interaction was so casual, so antiseptic.  I understood that you might treat me like a stranger, but I don’t know why I followed suit.

You appeared as you were when we were new, without the changes you have given to yourself.  Both are beautiful to me.  I had a sense of a person on your right, perhaps a female companion, but no one ever actually appeared in the dream.

The movie was a surrealistic, multimedia event, with objects floating out of the screen.  Amorphous pictograms melted into one another, suggesting some sort of symbolism.  While, in the real light of day, the movie makes no sense at all, it held deep meaning and artistic flow to my dream-self.  When it was over, as we would do, I asked you what you thought of it.

You said you did not like it, and with that, you got up, turned your back to me, and walked down the aisle to leave.  I watched you go.  That hit me.  So often, we had similar media tastes.  Not 100%, of course, I can appreciate “Pride and Prejudice”, “Sense and Sensibility”, and the Pre-Raphaelites, but they aren’t my things.  But generally, we agreed, and this lack of agreement cut deeply.  It suggested too much water had flowed by.  That even if by some magic miracle, we find ourselves in the same place at the same time, with every opportunity available to us, there could be no mending bridge.

I woke thinking about your successes since the divorce, and the happiness I have observed from afar. I thought to myself. 'I will do anything to keep the love, but I would also do anything to get rid of the pain.'

2024/03/21

Self-Medicating

Lonely lust – easily scratched.

Lonely love – create dreams.

Lonely lost love – no cure.

2024/03/30

The Sad Part

Even though it is over, and it can never be put back together, you know you will always love her.

The sad part is, you cannot tell her.