Self-Medicating

Self-Medicating

Lonely lust – easily scratched.

Lonely love – create dreams.

Lonely lost love – no cure.

2024/03/30

I Miss...

Your scent, which is barely remembered, but not forgotten.

Your smile, so bright it can make Easter Bunnies blush.

Your cheerfulness, so bubbly it should embarrass kittens and little children.

Your intelligence, which seemed to encompass a library.

Your hugs, to which there are no equal.

Your soul, as soothing as a warm bath.

2024/03/26

Only In My Mind

Now I truly understand *Eponine when she sings “On My Own”.

“… And I know it’s only in my mind, That I’m talking to myself and not to him. And although I know that he is blind Still I say, there’s a way for us. I love him... I love him, But only on my own.”

How sad.  Turn all the pronouns to their feminine form, and this is my heart for the one I let go.  There is no going back.  Too much time has passed by, like the waters of the Seine, but still, on my own, I love her.  Is there any greater love than a love that asks for nothing, makes no demands, and even as it is given, it is known it will not be returned?

*Character from “Les Miserables”

2024/03/10

The Love, Not the Pain

This July, the separation will be 15 years old, and you are still in my heart and dreams.  It wasn’t that way with my first marriage.  If not for my child, I would have purged her from my thoughts in a matter of days.  But you linger like Casper – the friendly ghost.

Last night, in my dream, Alex and I went to a movie.  I had a feeling you were there, but I did not look for you, acknowledging your need for boundaries.  For some reason, I had a backpack.  I set it down on the seat to my right.  Alex presented her new glasses, and asked my opinion.  It was a wonderful father-daughter bonding moment.

Then you appeared.  You pointed to the seat next to the backpack, asking, “Is this seat taken?”  I said, “No”.  You sat down.  I do not know why the interaction was so casual, so antiseptic.  I understood that you might treat me like a stranger, but I don’t know why I followed suit.

You appeared as you were when we were new, without the changes you have given to yourself.  Both are beautiful to me.  I had a sense of a person on your right, perhaps a female companion, but no one ever actually appeared in the dream.

The movie was a surrealistic, multimedia event, with objects floating out of the screen.  Amorphous pictograms melted into one another, suggesting some sort of symbolism.  While, in the real light of day, the movie makes no sense at all, it held deep meaning and artistic flow to my dream-self.  When it was over, as we would do, I asked you what you thought of it.

You said you did not like it, and with that, you got up, turned your back to me, and walked down the aisle to leave.  I watched you go.  That hit me.  So often, we had similar media tastes.  Not 100%, of course, I can appreciate “Pride and Prejudice”, “Sense and Sensibility”, and the Pre-Raphaelites, but they aren’t my things.  But generally, we agreed, and this lack of agreement cut deeply.  It suggested too much water had flowed by.  That even if by some magic miracle, we find ourselves in the same place at the same time, with every opportunity available to us, there could be no mending bridge.

I woke thinking about your successes since the divorce, and the happiness I have observed from afar. I thought to myself. 'I will do anything to keep the love, but I would also do anything to get rid of the pain.'

2024/03/21

Meaningless

I had changed. I was no longer the person you met. I had changed, and I did not know why. I hated what that change was doing to you. I needed to find my former self. I needed to be alone, completely alone. I needed to bury the quarrelsome person I was becoming, and I needed to protect you from it. So I let go of you.

Now, years later, I am who I was. The quarrelsome agitation is gone. But it is meaningless without you.

2024/03/07

Through the Grapevine

I know you are doing well. You’ve achieved some of your desires, And you are conjuring new dreams. That is what I wanted for you. Despite the agony of being apart from you, It makes me happy to know you are happy.

2024/03/19