A Love So Loud, Yet So Quiet.

a love so loud, yet so quiet.

now, you will not say or consider yourself an intelligent person or a highly-praised person. you, well, you work hard, you live earnestly; you have notebooks for individual classes, you have coloured-pens, you even have a planner to stay organized. it is not your fault that your grades does not cooperate with your effort.

however; you can not explain to any of your friends about your giddy feelings for jake. here is why you can not: jake, is popular, not just appearance-wise but academic-wise as well. such a famous face around the familiar hallways and famous name in your schoolmates lips. alongside with that, jake, loves being acknowledged, anyone could tell. ok, rephrase it as; he loves being recognized publicly: the attention. sadly, not a big fan of love confessions. or that is what you heard.

you do not, you do not secretly go to his soccer competition to cheer him up, you do not buy tickets to see his debate competition, you do not go to teacher’s room to eavesdrop his conversation with his homeroom teacher about his future universities, you do not know what time he finishes his class before lunch, oh and you most, certainly, do not go to library after school so you can stare at him while he is studying. so, if you do not, clarify why are you standing in front of him, and saying, “is this seat in front of you free?”

“uh yes, it is free.” he replied, and went back to focusing on his biology past paper. four words, and your heart is pounding restlessly and your whole body stiffen with a certain burn stirring in your stomach, your cheeks slightly red. you wanted to sprint out; but you are no coward. pulling the chair, you sat down.

next move, next move. your eyes roamed around the quiet library, anyone close to you can tell by one glance that, it is not your environment. “oh look it’s snowing.” you slowly started up a conversation, which you without a further ado, regretted those words from ever slipping out from your mouth. “I can see that.” answered you back, again. your heart was beating so quickly that you can hear it beating in the quiet room.

“do you know there is one saying if you confess to someone during the first snowfall, you guys will stay together for a long time.” you whispered softly, not wanting to disturb people around you; who unlike you, are studying. “so what is your point?” he dropped his pen in between his books, staring directly at you with a hint of amusement and a hint of confusion holding in his sparkly eyes. his intense eyes, with his oh-so perfect eyebrows, to his perfect-shaped nose and his plumped lips intimated you to its finest that you just shook your head.

the whole time, you attempted to solve some maths equations. math isn’t your biggest weakness; that does not mean it is your strength. you work hard, you live earnestly. millions of questions ran through your brain, internally screaming about it, since there is no way, in hell, are you showing jake that you, suck at, almost, all the subjects.

clock struck to seven in the evening, the closing time of the school library. you can see jake was packing up his studying materials being done for the day. “are you not leaving?” he asked you, your cheeks did not stop growing red. so, you nodded.

then, he left.

you threw your own arms in the air, frustrated with yourself or with jake? you do not know. you do. it is now or never, you assured yourself, what is so hard about confessing your own feelings? it is, technically, not even your fault? you did not ask to have a crush on him? it just happened. so you bolted out, with your bag on your back and your jacket in your hand.

you caught up to him, breathlessly. your throat running dry, “wait, you.” you paused in front of him, gasping for air, bending down after sprinting down the staircase and then catching up to him. “god, why do you have to walk so fast?” athletic legs. you questioned him, seriously. inhale, exhale. confess, leave. literally, bolt like the flash, done deal. solid plan.

“here goes nothing, see ok, i like you. not those girls who leaves love letters in your locker about 100 reasons why they will make you happy or those who leaves 10 different types of chocolates inside your drawer. i like you as in, even if you reject me, right now, i would not might. you do not know me and i only know you from what you show. but if you give me, one chance to show you my sincerity for you about my feelings, it will make me the happiest person.” your mother usually questioned what exactly did she eat to give birth to someone, as impulsive, like you. now, it’s your turn to question what your mother ate to give birth to you. “now if you have nothing to say, i am gonna leave. good day.”

“you scream the loudest during my match. you seem to be more happier than me when i do well in my exams. you also have this weird hobby of staring at me during all the classes we share. oh, and all of your math equations that you were doing today, were wrong.” after everything you said, you laid out all your feelings, bare, for him and he had the audacity to just say this. “listen here, yo-” he took a huge step towards you, leaning forward to match your height “to be honest, you interest me. so maybe, i will give you a chance.” he whispered, gently. letting out a chuckle, going back to his normal height, ruffled your fuzzy hair as he walks away, shoving his hands in his pocket.

the snow was falling heavily, almost blocking most of the roads by now; but you do not might walking. the warm feeling that was radiating within you was cozy enough to keep you safe from the cold. your cheeks has not stop turning a darker shade of red, your heart has not stop beating fast after his words; you are willing to do this, for your first love, since, you work hard, you live earnestly.

[you end up taking the bus.]

masterlist

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU RUINING MY LIFE EVERY CHANCE YOU GET.

Someone on TikTok said that bitches with anxiety love the enemies to lovers trope because the idea of having someone see all of our negative traits first and then still fall in love with us is really comforting since we worry that if someone sees our negative traits after they fall in love, they’ll leave us.

It’s me, I’m bitches.

you glow different, it’s okay.

“jay.” you sternly said, glaring at your boyfriend, whining about how unaffectionate you are in the relationship and how he has to initiate all the skin ships first.

“no, i have been wanting your attention for so long. i can not, literally, even sunghoon and niki could not believe i stopped playing games. i stopped for you.” he scolded, stressing out every word that he could with eyebrows furrowed.

you, almost, felt bad about it; however, you could not do anything about the situation you were currently in, “bub, im washing the dishes.” your gloved hands were occupied washing all the used plates and forks in the sink. jay blinked, as if, he did not buy the reason. “so?” shrugging his shoulders, casually.

you removed the gloves from your hands and you slammed it on the table to pass it to him. “if you say so, why don’t you do it?” his eyes widen out from the sudden burst of frustration out from you as he walked towards the sink, putting in the gloves. “hold my hand, now.” you set out your hand, motioning him to hold, “fine. you want to see how i-” he grabbed your hand, lacing up your fingers with his, “can multitask. i have to do everything first in the relationship, i swear to god.”

regardless of dating him for eight months, he makes your heart race just like how he did when he asked you out. “my man looks so sexy multitasking. i can’t just steal your spotlight now, can i?” you joked, tightening the interlaced hand. he was trying his hardest to surpress his smile that was appearing on his face, masking it with a serious face.

“look at you, looking all cute and sexy at the same time while doing the dishes. i must have saved the country to be with you, aint i right” he giggled, immediately causing you to giggle along with him.

he understood, by time, this is how you show your affection and he is okay with it. as long as you never stop.

masterlist

wait who hurt me?

Sometimes "getting better" means it hurts less to get up in the morning. Means it is a bit easier to step into the shower. Means small things make you smile again. This is okay. "Getting better" doesn't have to be giant steps. I'm so proud of you, no matter what.