Darktober 4 (CW: Mention Of S**cide)

Darktober 4 (CW: mention of s**cide)

“I met the housekeeper - Bridget - at the train station parking lot. She was a lot nicer and more…well, okay, fine, I’ll say it, *pretty* than I was expecting. Look, I’m a poor college student from Maine raised on Disney movies, what else could I be expecting? Housekeepers aren’t exactly a common sight in the modern American household.

Anyway, she was very very nice - wouldn’t let me touch my lone suitcase after we met in the parking lot and talked the whole way to Collinwood about the family, the town, the weather - absolutely everything about the estate and the land/people around it. And I was happy to listen. It was nice to get a rundown of the place I’ll be living in for the next six months. And she was a really good storyteller to boot. When we finally pulled into the gigantic old driveway of Collinwood, I noticed a particularly prominent hill protruding from the cliffs overlooking the sea - Bridget saw me look, and said, in the most casual way, “That’s Widow’s Hill. Blocked off from the estate long ago, but that doesn’t stop the local daredevils from climbing up there and making a ruckus on Halloween every year.”

“Why’s it called Widow’s Hill?” I asked. Bridget smiled - a small, sad kind of smile. All the humor was suddenly gone.

“Long ago, sailor’s wives would come up to that hill every day to watch for their husbands’ ships. It’s the highest point with a view here. Story goes, some of those poor women threw themselves off the cliff when they found out their husbands had died at sea.” Her expression changed again, as she seemed to shake herself and look at me directly, smile warm and welcoming again. “Lots of people have come and gone here. Doubt I’d like to be remembered that way.”

And with that, she walked towards the house, my suitcase rolling behind her.”

It was my birthday today! I turned 30. :) It was a very quiet day, but I think that's okay. Having a giant birthday bash would have felt like I was saying goodbye to something. When really, it's a day like any other, the only thing that's changed is the number on my government record, and I'm really very okay with closing the book on my 20s. I'm cool with being "old". "Old" in very heavy air quotes because actually I'm still ridiculously, painfully young. I just magically don't get hit on as often by creepy old dudes. I'd say that's a pretty big plus. My 20s were incredibly tough and weird, but I learned a lot and now I'm excited to start a new decade of my life where I'm still young but maybe slightly less stupid. ON TO 40!

YOU CANNOT SELF-FLAGELLATE YOUR WAY INTO EXCELLENCE

As summer starts to wind down, I think we could all use a nice little souvenir from the season to help get us through the winter months. My own summer memories are very peach-centered, as I remember getting excited as a kid for the peaches to ripen on our little peach tree at home, grown from a tough lil peach pit someone threw away by our garage. This print is 100% available as both a piece of wall art AND a card over on my INPRNT shop! Click those words to check it out and help me pay for ice cream (and groceries/rent/student loan debt) if you are able and you like my work! I'm juggling a PhD program and arting, so all support is most welcome.

Also I am gonna be getting ready for autumn and All Hallow's Eve pretty soon, so if y'all are into that.... keep checking back!

"I Died Today: A Valentine's Day Greeting" by L.K. Blackham on INPRNT

Hey, guys! Valentine's Day looms over us like a giant pink balrog, and what better way to appease the beast than to give a quirky, cool card that I bet no one else has seen and/or gotten and will surely remember forever? That's right, I've got a sexy, sexy card in stock here that is currently ON SALE! It's drawn by me, for you, each line infused with love and morbid bewilderment, printed by the patron saints of quirky holiday cards over at INPRNT. It features a depiction of the beloved patron saint of affianced couples, beekeepers, happy marriages, love, the mentally ill, plague, and epilepsy! Yes, it's true, Saint Valentine does more than just help the lovey dovey couples out there - he also wants to make sure you're practicing good mental self care and taking your medications regularly. Your relationship to your partner is important, sure, but what about your relationship.... with *yourself*?

The Wikipedia article also says he's the patron saint "against fainting", so I guess just avoid doing that on his saint's day. Be chill.

Man, the more I learn about this man the more I think I love him. Celebrate Valentine's Day and help support a poor indie artist/grad student! (That's me. I'm the poor artist.)

Interested in going full cottage core? Here's some stuff you need to expect (from a hobbit-lookin' gal who grew up in the woods):

1) dead animals. Dead rodents, specifically. No matter how well you clean, the mice and rats will come. And your cat will find them. And they will bring their bloodied corpses to you and expect praise. If you do not have cats (which automatically disqualifies you from being cottage core, sorry I don't make the rules), small furry creatures will find other ways to die inside your house. You will find them in your attic. You will find them in your drawers. You will find them under your bed. They are most definitely inside your walls. You may not know it, but you definitely have a wall full of dead squirrels.

Also, *do not get a pool*. It's just another place for cute animals to die and then be discovered by your very impressionable and easily traumatized young children. Also, they're impossible to keep clean. If you're truly cottage core, you swim in a river or lake or ice-cold pond created by the snowmelt. It's better for the drought anyway.

2) BIG dead animals. You want to keep goats? Maybe sheep? That's great. Just know that at least three of them will die suddenly at the worst time, either from snakebite or illness or coyote attack or because they literally just decided to lie down under a nice tree and peacefully pass with literally no explanation. And then you will have to figure out how to bury them. And then how to have the Death Talk with your young, impressionable children who may or may not already be traumatized by the drowned fox they found in the pool a week ago.

Besides good fencing/livestock shelters, or maybe getting a livestock gaurdian dog/donkey/llama (no, I am not joking), there is nothing you can do about the mountain lions, bears and coyotes eating your animals. They were there before you. They will be there after you and the rest of humanity are gone. It's harsh, but that is what the song from the Lion King was actually about: Mufasa's right to eat everyone there.

Speaking of which:

3) you share the land. You do not own it. Oh, you think the bear cares that you bought this patch of forest with money and you don't like him eating your goats and/or peaches?? You can try showing him the deed and the NO TRESPASSING signs, but somehow I don't think that'll work.

Nature does not care. It will do as it does. No matter how good you are at singing and how many birds you befriend. Again, harsh. But not utterly insane. If you respect nature, it will not respect you, but you will at least know what to expect. So gopher-proof your garden. And get a cat.

4) coyote howling is actually quite lovely. Once you get over how eerie it sounds.

5) frogs are LOUD. They are so FREAKING loud. Some nights they will be SO loud you will not be able to sleep. Do not entice them into your yard with a pond unless you are willing to bear the consequences.

6) birds are LOUD. There is no need for a morning alarm, they ARE your alarm. You may think this sounds lovely, but you may not be feeling that way at 6 am on a Saturday after being kept up all night by the frogs.

7) think you'll go barefoot everywhere? Or at least have a good pair of Birkenstocks? No, my child, you will need to invest in at least 6 pairs of gumboots that will mostly be mud by the time spring comes around. Hiking boots are for summer. Unless you're ready for poison oak and ticks. Again, there is nothing you can do about that. Unless you are willing to take the risk and get a brush-eating goat. Even then, remember the snakes I mentioned earlier?

8) you will get desensitized to horror movie scenarios real quick. A cabin in the woods? Bro, that's my house. A pair of red eyes in the dark? That's just a coyote. Maybe a wandering dog. And even if it was a demon, how would it get in my house? That sucker's locked up tight. Creepy noises at night? Like, say, a woman screaming? That's probably a mountain lion or a fox. Yeah, they do that.

You quickly find that the bad things actually tend to happen to people who did not do their nature research as I explained above. Like, say, camping with grizzly bears. Or eating something they found in the woods. What kind of idiot are you??? The kind that eats berries they don't know the name of but think they look like blackberries. That's who.

9) what neighbors you have, may not be the... friendliest. There's a reason people move out this far, and it's usually to get away from other people. Are they marijuana farmers? Probably. Do they want to murder you? What, no, they don't want to get into trouble. They moved here to AVOID trouble. Just keep yourself to yourself and you'll be fine. But definitely make some friends in town. There is a town near you, right?

10) once you get over that initial learning curve/trauma, you will find that the forest actually is a really peaceful place to live. You know the patterns. You learn to read the weather. You are at peace with the fact that your beloved goats may die, but for now, you have succeeded in protecting them. As scary as the wilderness can be, it's far less scary than living with other humans. I'd rather deal with the peach-stealing bear (I am SO onto you) than the creepy dude who lives in the apartment below mine. Humans are far more unpredictable and weird than nature is. But that's just my *opinion*.

Okay, them's my thoughts. Anyone want to add/critique?