How Could I Ever Be Worth Such Admiration. Good Ra, Woman! It Feeds Me Better Than Any Mere Mortal Morsel

How could I ever be worth such admiration. Good Ra, woman! It feeds me better than any mere mortal morsel found in this world.

Perhaps Atum was mistaken when he allowed your demise. That ascension from heavens grace could have never happened on my watch! Alas, I could only watch. Prayed…….I prayed, beseeched and beckoned my own existance to avenge your removal and create a heaven greater just for you.

Its fate that the Lord of mercy and protection, Maah, found use in the arms of a diety whos entire life has been to provide sanctuary and identity to the lost and divine. So with mercy I accept your worship and in exchange I’ll continue to protect the awakening organ you so cautiously craddle behind ribs and beneath tender flesh.

Your Lord,

-Lord Maahes

Ahemmmm~

Well. Seems ive been round 2 days in a row. That’s rare! Gonna have to feed my momentum with a bit of self para and character development.

Also, created a new aim dedicated to my chara. Push notifications are on so if you can’t catch me here then add me on aim. See tags for info.

When we are apart, distance makes the heart grow~

A Haughty Seed For You...

I was driving idle one morning with no destination. My heart was heavy with pain from days prior and my mind grinding at the Spector I called thought. It was haunting and dim but in the midst of my revelry I was brought to a hault. Among loose leaves and debris so carelessly left in the street lay an injured bird. One wing had been broken and its orientation in disarray. How could anyone leave such a creature after an accident was beyond my conception. Thus my once heavy heart now bled and my grinding mind now focused.

I brought my vehicle to a stop and without a second thought I picked the bird up from its place and brought it to a tree. “I can’t help you…..I don’t know how. I CAN give you a safer place to be” I said as the bird struggled. I left it inside the small hole of an old neighborhood Norwood oak in hopes that it would not perish. With despair and concern over its fate I uttered “Ya Allah, keep this bird in your plans and let it not expire without knowing humanity tried”.

I left, watching from my rear view as the tree shrunk and chirps were heard no more. My day no longer felt missionless nor my doings idle. I now felt proud and engulfed with vigor. However, that feeling was countered  with a feeling of irrelevance and worthlessness.

“I couldn’t ensure that birds life. I couldn’t not repair its injuries. I could only shift its place. Oh how significant that was…..” I thought with selfloathing sarcasm. 

Later on in my now  day I reflected on my pride. How instead of learning to accept defeat and my own limitations, I over compensate with control and power in my relationships. It was all I had since at a young age my control was ripped from me through means untasteful. I looked at my hands and the trail mix i now consumed one morsel at a time, whispering the word “seed”.

I unknowingly compared myself to a haughty seed. Seeds are strong and resilient, enduring and compact. It embodied all that I pretended and wanted to be. Virtually indestructible and needed for nourishment. I smiled but it would only last a millisecond. “How is it that something so strong sprouts into something so fickle and frail? Suddenly going from self reliant to in need, desperately. Water, sun, air, and soil all control a sprouts life. Who needs a sprout?!

"They are too weak!”

It was then I wished to never grow. Not spiritually, or emotionally. But why? Did I really wish to never be something more? I would be vulnerable and pathetically exposed. 

No!

Sprouts grow into beautiful things! They show the world how the small and insignificant can become the very anchor and support others need. They turn into flowers that feed bee’s, the bushes that house small animals, and most of all, they become the trees the shelter us from the sun and rain. The oxygen in our brains that store our memories begins in the leaves of a brave tree. The tall branches that hold the very nests that birds will one day soar from start small.

“So how can being a sprout be bad?”

I was bombarded with this epiphany while looking at my hand. I didn’t need to be a seed forever. I did not need power or control. It is true that I was unable to control that poor birds fate or do more to secure it. However I could shift it and give it some safety to one day soar again. It was a tree I placed it in. If that tree had been like me, unwilling to ever grow from a seed, that bird would be lost and exposed.

I may not have all that I want, but I love hard and I try my best to protect my relationships, even if it’s via a simple shift. That is indeed the best I can do some times, and most times that is the best thing to be done period.

Birds and seeds….. who knew the two could inspire lives?!

What I am getting at with all of this is…..I love you Victoria. There is so much I want to do for you. I would set my life on fire to see you smile. I wish I could be stronger for you. To have saved you from every pain and tribulation that has ever touched your skin.

It hurts to not be able to do that. I wanted to be that seed so baddly for you! But if I am, ill never be that tree that will shade your heart and support your ambitions. I have to become vulnerable and place my heart on new leaves so that you can shower me with the affection I sometimes unknowingly fear.

Forgive me if I have ever offended you or broken even a shard of your heart. I just hope you will stay around long enough to heal with me so I can see you soar. Just know that no matter how high you fly I’ll be rooted in the soil you nurtured so deeply that you can always come back to rest.

The Lord -Maahes

Shinee 1 and 1 photoshoot

Mi corazon. Te quiero mucho, Mami. Podrá nublarse el sol eternamente; Podrá secarse en un instante el mar; Podrá romperse el eje de la tierra Como un débil cristal. ¡Todo sucederá! Podrá la muerte cubrirme con su fúnebre crespón; pero jamás en mí podrá apagarse la llama de tu amor.