Romance

Romance

I have this distorted vision of romance that requires physical intimacy, but honestly I don't want anyone touching me directly. I do wish there was more media out there that explored this, because it would help me come to terms with it. Aki/Angel fanart often shows this, which is nice. Legion also has this aspect for a few episodes, until they throw that out for mindspace sex, ew. Misfits also has this for a few episodes, but I can't relate to the characters at all. I'm even less comfortable with touch when it goes beyond romance, but try explaining that to someone you wanna spend time with.

Am I evil?

I reject the humanity given to me, seeking to utterly destroy it even. I care nothing for the lives of others, they are but NPCs in my life, engaging in acts of kindness and niceties for purely egoistic reasons.

What makes one evil? In the eyes of God I am a sinner of the highest caliber, if man saw my nature, they'd call me a sociopath. By any moral framework I don't even reach 'morally ambiguous'. All the evidence I have collected, all the research I have done, has pointed in one direction: Evil. Is being evil bad?

Oh no its the gifted child who is wise beyond their years to the burnt out adult with no ability to self-soothe, no ability to fully experience a single tangible emotion, no ability to maintain normal interpersonal relationships, no energy, no desires, no goals, and literally nothing left inside pipeline once again

My booklist:

Currently reading:

No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai Human Action by Ludwig von Mises

My already read books (Ranked only by Score):

The Ego and it's own by Max Stirner - 10/10 >Life-altering philosophy, made me readjust my worldview quite a bit 1984 by George Orwell, the Audible Audio Drama version - 10/10 >I have not felt this hard with a protagonist in a long while The Singularity is Nearer by Ray Kurzweil - 10/10 >An inspiring view into the future and what to do with it To Be a Machine by Mark O'Connell - 10/10 >What does it mean to be human or to be an organic machine? Thrawn by Timothy Zahn - 9.5/10 >Thrilling, perfectly written

Ready Player One by Ernest Cline - 8/10 Rome and Germania by Charles River Editors - 8/10 Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams - 7.5/10 Erebos by Ursula Poznanski - 7/10 Diary of a wimpy kid (series) by Jeff Kinney - 7/10 Harry Potter (series) by J.K. Rowling - 6/10 Animal Farm by George Orwell - 6/10 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley - 5.5/10 Antigone by Anouilh - 3.5/10 >Bored me to tears Little Brother by Cory Doctorow - 2/10 >Never read a blunter and more haphazard novel

My list of books I want to read:

Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harari The Icarus Plot by Timothy Zahn Out of the Dark by David Weber The Anarchist Handbook by Michael Malice The Saga of the Volsungs by Jackson Crawford - translator The poetic Edda by Jackson Crawford Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman Man, Economy, and State with Power and Market - Scholar's Edition by Murray N. Rothbard Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

Books I did not finish:

Neuromancer by William Gibson - 3/10 >did not catch my interest Democracy: The God that failed by Hans Hermann Hoppe - 2/10 >an incredibly bad exploration of good ideas

Internet

On the internet, there is a certain freedom, to take on any role you want, so many new opportunities for masquerade. It also lets you be open and honest about yourself, precisely because it is so disconnected, it feels optional to your life at first, but eventually you will realise you have exposed yourself, bared your heart open for anyone to see, to anyone who may come to listen. That is terrifying.

I have realised that I let people into my life, willingly, I have invited them into my mind, become somewhat dependent on them. I even showed them who I am, this situation is unpleasant and I will rectify it.

However my experiment with one person will continue, getting him to truly understand me, if that is even possible.