I Have Realised That I Let People Into My Life, Willingly, I Have Invited Them Into My Mind, Become Somewhat

I have realised that I let people into my life, willingly, I have invited them into my mind, become somewhat dependent on them. I even showed them who I am, this situation is unpleasant and I will rectify it.

However my experiment with one person will continue, getting him to truly understand me, if that is even possible.

you ever start thinking about life as a human being and trying to explain things and you just start unraveling because it's word all the way down and things aren't real. All communication is molded by how you say and the mere change of language makes a thousand new ways to be misconstructed and misunderstood and any way to try and correct it is met with a thousand new human construct of language that emplify the resonance of your auditor's thoughts and the deformity of your own.

you can say anything ever trying to be truthful and the mere presence of words will make it a lie anything can be misinterpreted nothing is one thing everything is legion. There is no way to win ! Speaking just is not a thing that a simulacrum of a human being can learn it's just words all the way down. there's no meaning in it.

Am I evil?

I reject the humanity given to me, seeking to utterly destroy it even. I care nothing for the lives of others, they are but NPCs in my life, engaging in acts of kindness and niceties for purely egoistic reasons.

What makes one evil? In the eyes of God I am a sinner of the highest caliber, if man saw my nature, they'd call me a sociopath. By any moral framework I don't even reach 'morally ambiguous'. All the evidence I have collected, all the research I have done, has pointed in one direction: Evil. Is being evil bad?

I am constantly scared, because I am so vulnerable, so close to catastrophe at every moment. And worse yet being so prone to error, imprecise and flawed. To me being human means being absolutely terrified. A tiny insect or even a bit of food could kill me, or a simple slip of the mind or the hand could ruin my life.

I don't want to be made of randomly generated chemical compounds in randomly generated shapes and patterns, this sucks.

Human

Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.

I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.

What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.

This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.

Oh no its the gifted child who is wise beyond their years to the burnt out adult with no ability to self-soothe, no ability to fully experience a single tangible emotion, no ability to maintain normal interpersonal relationships, no energy, no desires, no goals, and literally nothing left inside pipeline once again

Dread

Like the world is on the brink of cracking, like someone is just about to call you with some bad news, like I'm on the brink of dying. What is this? Paranoia? Anxiety? A survival mechanism?