I Have Realised That I Let People Into My Life, Willingly, I Have Invited Them Into My Mind, Become Somewhat

I have realised that I let people into my life, willingly, I have invited them into my mind, become somewhat dependent on them. I even showed them who I am, this situation is unpleasant and I will rectify it.

However my experiment with one person will continue, getting him to truly understand me, if that is even possible.

Having the worst week, hopefully almost killing someone will be the worst of it.

My posts: Today the darkness has consumed me. My liked posts at the same time: Aww they're so cute together. I need professional help

Romance

I have this distorted vision of romance that requires physical intimacy, but honestly I don't want anyone touching me directly. I do wish there was more media out there that explored this, because it would help me come to terms with it. Aki/Angel fanart often shows this, which is nice. Legion also has this aspect for a few episodes, until they throw that out for mindspace sex, ew. Misfits also has this for a few episodes, but I can't relate to the characters at all. I'm even less comfortable with touch when it goes beyond romance, but try explaining that to someone you wanna spend time with.

Sometimes healing is leaving a bunch of social circles and only talking to the people who cared enough to message you. I see now how little I matter to people who claimed to be my friends, I despise being lied to like this.

The circles became toxic and I only stuck around for the few people I liked. It seems I miss them, but they don't miss me.

Ascension

One of my ultimate goals is to ascend the human race via technology, natural evolution isn’t cutting it anymore. Our bodies are essential vessels for our divine essence, yet we seek not to enhance it, increase its capabilities, make it immortal. Our essence is immortal and endless, but we just let it trickle away, wasting it, because we think getting old and dying is important somehow.