Loud-and-clear-524 - 524 - Tumblr Blog

there was a long period in my life where I was habitually constantly thinking up explanations and justifications for every thing I did, as though preparing all the time to be interrogated for it. not sure exactly when I stopped. probably "not being in an abusive environment" went a long way.

anyway bits of the habit still leak out on occasion, and I've found that entitlement thing a very helpful counter. like I'll catch myself building a detailed explanation of my purchases at the supermarket or some shit, and I'll be like, "wait a minute, why the fuck am I trying to justify this I can buy whatever I want!" and move on

Extrovert

For a long long time I gaslit myself into thinking I was an Introvert, so I could cope better with my loneliness. I am still lonely now, but I take more comfort in the truth.

Emotions

I do not believe that I have a full set of emotions. I have anger, loneliness, and fear. When I’m not angered, I say that I am calm, without knowing what actual calm feels like. When I’m not lonely, I call that love, without knowing what love means. When I’m not afraid, I say that I’m content, without ever feeling relief.

I need to stop masking, let people have a glimpse at the real me.

Normal

Whenever I feel and act "normal", there's a profound sense of discomfort attached to that. Discomfort isn't the correct word, it mainly feels wrong, it makes me feel empty inside.

There's also constantly a mosquito in my room, I hate this.

I THINK WHERE I COME FROM IS LEAVING, a 13-page hxh fancomic i made for @zine--garden. (thank you so much for having me T__T everyone keep an eye out for aftersales!)

Music time

I wanna talk about music too, it's intensely important to me. Let's start with the name-sake of this blog.

Lovely Lovely Little Lie by SUPER NH

The way this one makes me feel is difficult to put into words. On the one hand it speaks to the emotions of losing something important, the aimless anger, the sadness, the guilt, but in a much more complicated way it speaks to me about loneliness, screaming and nobody hearing. Just trying so hard to be heard that you exhaust yourself, putting on a facade to garner at least some attention, then trying to show your real self and being alone again.

Recommendations

Not really done much of this before, but I do wanna recommend some media.

I just got done watching 12 Angry Men again and I love that movie, it truly stands the test of time after over 60 years. A simple Jury meeting with no bells and whistles, we see it all unfold in real time, a masterfully written discussion with twelve very different people and how minds can be changed in a dozen different ways. It's a majestic movie and you need to watch it.

In a different vein, I want to recommend 1984 by George Orwell, but not the actual book, but an original Audio Drama adaptation of it. We all know at least the basic plot of the novel, but here you can really feel what Winston is feeling, paranoia, love, defiance, sorrow, and loss. Andrew Garfield does an amazing job as Winston and there's so many more great actors involved. It's the Audible Original version, so idk if you can get it elsewhere, but at least it doesn't cost you a store credit to get it.

Scary

We all know that once you understand something, it stops being scary, you can work around it, counter it, avoid it. Natural phenomena can easily be understood and conquered, so can animals, they're all susceptible to our weaponry. They can only scare when they're hidden from us.

The mind can not comprehend itself, it is simply impossible. You can't make model something as complex as yourself. In this vain understanding others becomes intensely difficult, predictions will never reach certainty.

So in conclusion, the only things that can not be understood is people. You yourself are unpredictable, so are all others around you, there can never be security or comfort in that. People are scary.

Void

I was born empty, devoid of humanity. In life I learnt to build a shell around the void in pretty colours and nice shapes, a facade to hide the emptiness in my soul.

But that shell, it never fits quite right, it's always wrong, there's a shape it's supposed to be, a way it's supposed to look like, but I do not know what that would be. So I keep crafting, painting, changing, never happy with it.

Something that’s incredibly hard to deal with is when a friend you used to have, starts hating you viscerally and like it’s clear that it isn’t even personal, but a projection of some trauma. And like I still care, because of course I do, but they don’t listen to me, so someone else has to talk to them. And because it’s so localised on just me and a few others, most everybody from the social group still gets along with them.

What a garbage vent post.

apprentice (i always enjoyed their repoire, i think they would make great allies. khyber holds more respect for ben than a lot of his friends do)

Crossroads

When I die, I will go to the crossroads. An infinite amount of paths layered out before me. Looking back the way I came from no longer exists. A guide approaches me and states in a remorseful tone: “Child, you can never proceed, you do not belong in any of these places”. I sit down and eternity passes in solitude.

Obligatory post, cause I haven’t felt like paying anything in a bit.

I’m insanely easy to irritate, because I finally figured out what I wanna do after finishing my apprenticeship, which is to study a very specific thing, but I get absolutely zero support when I talk about this to anyone. Like thanks dad for immediately pivoting to hours I need to work more.

Aside from that I’m thinking of doing something like a coffee diet, but possibly with juice also, cause I crave taste in my mouth. My oral fixation is really biting me on this stuff

Medical labels

In my stay there was one possibly diagnosis that, when brought up, always welled up some anger. It was Depression, because I see it as an invalidation of my feelings. It means directly that I do not have good reason to feel sad or empty, that this is a mere chemical imbalance. A complete dismissal of the mindless droning boredom of the ward, it's emptiness infected me like a plague and they blamed me for that.

Well, I guess I can't complain too much, they did have shitty wi-fi and one and a half activities for a full day and also zero places to be alone in. Yeah, I really can't see why I stayed in bed on my laptop all day. Fuck you people for validating my trauma with psychs.

that was unhinged, let me contextualise. I only had twenty minutes in my break to cry and clean up, but I did it faster. Nice

Crying any% sub 10 minutes let’s gooooo

Crying any% sub 10 minutes let’s gooooo

Delusions

In a clinical environment or with close friends, I can share my hallucinations, because I know they are, they're external, foreign. But delusions are internal, they're part of me, I can't tell where the actual idea ends and the delusion starts. I know exactly what will happen when I share this, I will be told that all my odd beliefs are delusions, but I can't accept that. So what if they're weird or inappropriate, I can't just get rid of them, and why would I? Every single possible reaction scares me, so I just keep quiet and never know.

Relationships

I find it easy to look down on people, for being stupid yet somehow conceited, for being deviants, for being rude, for a lot of reasons really. I can't deal with people I look down on, they're not worth my time.

On the other side I can't deal with kind people, genuine good people. They don't deserve someone like me, they deserve a real person, another kind person, not this hollow facade of a person.

There is no middle, no sweet-spot where I feel like I belong.

goddddd stpd moment but i hate names. I'm not supposed to have a name all of them have Symbolism that Lock you into things you are and things you are not. I don't want people to be able to have a me in their brains and the concept of true name and true self is such bullshit i am like 8 different people in trench coat and i keep having mitosis if you call me differently because now that's a new Persona. i keep accidentally thinking about names and discovering later I Stole It from some random person and now i have their thoughts in mine and it's Very Annoying. does this make any sense.

ppl were talking about it on the stpd reddit but honestly i'm assuming anyone with Problems with being a person probably has Name Troubles

slow motion

I remember a lot of moments in my childhood were my heart would race, but not uncomfortably so, and the world just slowed down, everyone was happening so slowly. I felt like I had super speed. I didn’t know then that was a symptom of my declining mental health. I don’t feel super anymore

Effort

It's hard to find the balance between stressing on smth so hard, obsessing over every single detail and actively avoiding doing anything, and trying to just reach the bare minimum. Idk what this is called, but I have this problem, some kind of executive dysfunction maybe.

Phone call

Need to make a call. Stress about it. Push it further. Stress builds. Not much time left. Decide to do it. Dying of stress. Fumble hard. Burnout. Call over. Exhausted. Bit later, relief.