Hello Darkness My Old Friend,

Hello darkness my old friend,

I'm lying on my bed crying again.

What a beautiful analogy

have this mspaint painting thats part of a project

Idk what I'll do in this account. I'm a mess and I need a place to vent , post pics or in general post my thoughts.

Let this be the account where I can sit and think before saying anything and ruining everything like I've done before .

Also , just realised that my english grammer sucks. Sorry Mrs Mukherjee ( but I never liked you as a teacher anyway ).

I really adore this game

Sometimes I think about my posting in the ER. It was during a time I was going through a very bad depression. And since it's the ER , we got all types of patients . It was the first time I saw death at such a high rate. It was during that posting that I first saw suicide victims. First one was a young girl who tried to overdoes on her anti depression medications. That numb look on her face while her parents hesitated to actually explain that she knowingly did so. They were ashamed. When I first looked at that patient, the only thought in my mind was that how do I get those medications.

The second suicide victim I saw was a guy who cut his wrist arteries. It was bloody and the cut was so huge.... it looked so painful. Looking at everyone in the ICU trying hard to stop the blood flow and suturing the cut was very jarring. When the guy was first bought in , he was calm. When they sutured him and stopped the flow , he was still calm. But I think when he realised that his life is actually saved , he was angry and disappointed. I felt bad for him. Others were glad that he was saved. But I felt bad that his attempt failed. Maybe he'll regret it in the future and improve. But at that point in the ICU , he hated he was alive and I felt bad for him.

These two incidences where when I fully realised how sick my mind had actually become. It threw me further into depression and I started to dissociate in the ER most of the times. I remember all my seniors screaming at me because I was so slow. I had no idea what was going around me. My mind was life a cotton candy. Everything bounced off of it. It took me one month to move on from that. It was the first time I ever considered getting therapy.

What's worse is that , that time in ER made me accept myself as who I am . And I think it ruined me. My suicidal thoughts have increased in number and they have stopped distressing me as much as they used to. I have become numb to it. Who knows one day in the furtre I'll become numb enough to commit to it. Who know....

But at this time I'm not numb enough. I still have some fire , some anger. Maybe I'll live. It's still an if and not a when.

Me: Exercise does not cause weight loss. This is a fact that has been demonstrated so robustly in research that even doctors, who hate and fear evidence, are grudgingly starting to admit this.

Someone reading that post: Cool, but have you considered that exercise leads to weight loss?

Me: I am going to eat you