Sometimes I Think About My Posting In The ER. It Was During A Time I Was Going Through A Very Bad Depression.

Sometimes I think about my posting in the ER. It was during a time I was going through a very bad depression. And since it's the ER , we got all types of patients . It was the first time I saw death at such a high rate. It was during that posting that I first saw suicide victims. First one was a young girl who tried to overdoes on her anti depression medications. That numb look on her face while her parents hesitated to actually explain that she knowingly did so. They were ashamed. When I first looked at that patient, the only thought in my mind was that how do I get those medications.

The second suicide victim I saw was a guy who cut his wrist arteries. It was bloody and the cut was so huge.... it looked so painful. Looking at everyone in the ICU trying hard to stop the blood flow and suturing the cut was very jarring. When the guy was first bought in , he was calm. When they sutured him and stopped the flow , he was still calm. But I think when he realised that his life is actually saved , he was angry and disappointed. I felt bad for him. Others were glad that he was saved. But I felt bad that his attempt failed. Maybe he'll regret it in the future and improve. But at that point in the ICU , he hated he was alive and I felt bad for him.

These two incidences where when I fully realised how sick my mind had actually become. It threw me further into depression and I started to dissociate in the ER most of the times. I remember all my seniors screaming at me because I was so slow. I had no idea what was going around me. My mind was life a cotton candy. Everything bounced off of it. It took me one month to move on from that. It was the first time I ever considered getting therapy.

What's worse is that , that time in ER made me accept myself as who I am . And I think it ruined me. My suicidal thoughts have increased in number and they have stopped distressing me as much as they used to. I have become numb to it. Who knows one day in the furtre I'll become numb enough to commit to it. Who know....

But at this time I'm not numb enough. I still have some fire , some anger. Maybe I'll live. It's still an if and not a when.

Tbh , I do wish to get better. I wish to achieve my goals and lead a peaceful life. But I saw this word in Tumblr recently "learned helplessness ". It's very true for myself. I have taught myself that I am helpless. I can't change myself because deep inside I don't really want to. That wish of getting better is a vague concept. I've gotten so used to my comfort place that it's very hard to actually want to move out of it and face life. Sitting in my bed and rotting is very peaceful for me. It makes it so that I don't have to face uncomfortable things in life. Just me and my phones. I dont even gave to face myself because my thoughts are turned off due to my phone usage. That thought of face everything makes me go down rhe suicidal / non existence route of thinking. I need to want to improve myself to actually improve. But I don't want to. That why I'm constantly irritated. What I want and need to do is not what I am doing. Even while writing this , I don't have the wish to move out of the bed and actually do what I need to do. I am a disappointment. What a shit mindset to live with.

Hello darkness my old friend,

I'm lying on my bed crying again.

Pathology is so interesting but also so hard .

Learned helplessness

Depressed again ,,, im back on Tumblr everytime I get depressed