just casually passing through
19 posts
Masterprocastinatortilldeath - Niki - Tumblr Blog
What a beautiful analogy
have this mspaint painting thats part of a project
Sometimes I think about my posting in the ER. It was during a time I was going through a very bad depression. And since it's the ER , we got all types of patients . It was the first time I saw death at such a high rate. It was during that posting that I first saw suicide victims. First one was a young girl who tried to overdoes on her anti depression medications. That numb look on her face while her parents hesitated to actually explain that she knowingly did so. They were ashamed. When I first looked at that patient, the only thought in my mind was that how do I get those medications.
The second suicide victim I saw was a guy who cut his wrist arteries. It was bloody and the cut was so huge.... it looked so painful. Looking at everyone in the ICU trying hard to stop the blood flow and suturing the cut was very jarring. When the guy was first bought in , he was calm. When they sutured him and stopped the flow , he was still calm. But I think when he realised that his life is actually saved , he was angry and disappointed. I felt bad for him. Others were glad that he was saved. But I felt bad that his attempt failed. Maybe he'll regret it in the future and improve. But at that point in the ICU , he hated he was alive and I felt bad for him.
These two incidences where when I fully realised how sick my mind had actually become. It threw me further into depression and I started to dissociate in the ER most of the times. I remember all my seniors screaming at me because I was so slow. I had no idea what was going around me. My mind was life a cotton candy. Everything bounced off of it. It took me one month to move on from that. It was the first time I ever considered getting therapy.
What's worse is that , that time in ER made me accept myself as who I am . And I think it ruined me. My suicidal thoughts have increased in number and they have stopped distressing me as much as they used to. I have become numb to it. Who knows one day in the furtre I'll become numb enough to commit to it. Who know....
But at this time I'm not numb enough. I still have some fire , some anger. Maybe I'll live. It's still an if and not a when.
Tbh , I do wish to get better. I wish to achieve my goals and lead a peaceful life. But I saw this word in Tumblr recently "learned helplessness ". It's very true for myself. I have taught myself that I am helpless. I can't change myself because deep inside I don't really want to. That wish of getting better is a vague concept. I've gotten so used to my comfort place that it's very hard to actually want to move out of it and face life. Sitting in my bed and rotting is very peaceful for me. It makes it so that I don't have to face uncomfortable things in life. Just me and my phones. I dont even gave to face myself because my thoughts are turned off due to my phone usage. That thought of face everything makes me go down rhe suicidal / non existence route of thinking. I need to want to improve myself to actually improve. But I don't want to. That why I'm constantly irritated. What I want and need to do is not what I am doing. Even while writing this , I don't have the wish to move out of the bed and actually do what I need to do. I am a disappointment. What a shit mindset to live with.
Learned helplessness
Hello darkness my old friend,
I'm lying on my bed crying again.
Hello darkness my old friend,
I'm lying on my bed crying again.
Warning. Thoda heavy hai ye .. giving u guys a chance to not read it . But since u guys said that I can vent. Here I am.
This time the depression is pretty heavy. I have chote chote suicidal thoughts ka issue for many years. And jab depression ata hai to wo bahut jyada pronounce ho jata hai. Actually it's less like suicidal thought more of a thought about non existence. But I can only stop existing if I commit suicide. But multiple factors ( including main that I am fearful of death and pain ) is why have never went forward with it. Not even self harm. There was a self harm attempt in my childhood. But I could not handle the pain so I stopped. But when depression comes , I crave for numbness and just leaving everything. Not existing. But since I am not able to act on it , it creates more anger and frustration with myself. Couple that with everything else, it creates a huge self hatred for me. It's like another proof that I am incompetent, I am worthless and a coward. I have given up. But people around me haven't given up on me. And all those expectations for me to still keep going while I have given up creates another round of self hatred. It's so fucking intense. I am overwhelmed. I want to not exist. Because I just am not able to face everything. I'm barely able to do the things that I do. And people expect more from me. But I am not able. I wish I could stop existing you know. But suicide will bring all of u pain. I dont want that. I wish there was a way where I could leave this world without bringing pain. The day I fully stop caring, I think I will kill myself in some way. I fear that day when I break all the boundries and checkpoints that I've place for myself. My thoughts have become more and more morbid. One day I'll just get used to these thoughts and finally do it. Idk. I'm just a body worth 1 crore rupees. Nothing more nothing less. My existence is worthless. I know my parents love me. But I just can't handle that love. I'm not worth that love. I'm not being able to do anything that'll make their love mean something. It's so frustrating. Fuck this.
Me: Exercise does not cause weight loss. This is a fact that has been demonstrated so robustly in research that even doctors, who hate and fear evidence, are grudgingly starting to admit this.
Someone reading that post: Cool, but have you considered that exercise leads to weight loss?
Me: I am going to eat you
Depressed again ,,, im back on Tumblr everytime I get depressed
I need to type it out because I'm just too jumbled up in my head .
a) Shiro died today . I'm sad but more than that I feel relief . He is free. He is free from us . I'm so glad for him. Hope he gets better owners in next life. Someone who would pamper him and not think of him as a burden . Someone who would give him healthy food , talk him to all the walks , love him with all their heart . Someone who adopted him because they wanted to and were ready to support him in all ways. Shiro deserved better than my family. An apathic family who is always angry with each other and coming home is like coming to hell. Everyone is depressed and that includes shiro. I'm glad it's over for him. He was diseased and so so sad . No medicine worked for him and my family did not take good care of him when he was sick. We never researched what he should eat , how much attention he needs , how much activeness he needs. He was treated as a burden rather than the responsibility of a living breathing intelligent animal.
I'm angry at myself for being a apathic about it . I'm so so sad for him but I never did anything good for him. I never went out of my way to give him love or play with him daily. I killed him.
I'll never keep a pet , or have a baby. I'm not emotionally capable enough to care for another living being and I do not wish to destroy their life . I can't even take care of my self. I don't want to be the cause of killing someone else . I don't want to destroy another living animal or human because I'm not loving enough . I'm not tactile enough . I'm too apathic. I'm to cold and heartless . I'm selfish . I never care enough. I do not wish to subject another person or animal to this.
Shiro deserves better. I hope he is now flying away in the clouds and getthing many head pats and nose bops. Tonnes of love and amazing food. All free space to run and be happy . Shiro is now free from us and I hope he is happy
My journey through the Daylight Prarie OOB !
It begins with this random pillars floating in the sky ! Made me want to play some Parkour like in Minecraft .
Then we fly along to watch the most clearest view of the lightening storm in the Eden I've ever seen ! The red tinge to the mountain was certainly ominous.
And then I walked till I could see the temples of the final area of the Daylight Prarie. It was so beautiful !
Moving along till I reached the area with huge holes ! These holes are the ones that let in light for the cave area of the Daylight Prarie .
Looking inside some of the holes ! I'm sure the stairs are familiar !
The area above the cave after the tunnel looks like a horror scene . I was quite surprised by the adrupt change in lighting ! The one other player with me looks like so scary in this lighting!
Finally ending this journey by coming out of the OOB area and into the final area of Daylight Prarie !
I'll explore it more some other time !
Some days are so good when I'm happy and nothing bothers me.
And then some days are so bad that I fall into depression and cry the whole day. Idk what I'm doing with my life . I don't know what I want and how to properly deal with everything that is happening around me. I just wanna hide because otherwise I'll just cry whole day. Building up my self confidence was so so hard . But it's all going away again.
Just a small something I drew for father's day with my lockdown supplies
I am very frustrated with the state of awareness about mental health in my country . It's either 'this person is mad ' or 'this person is just sad '. Especially depression , People don't understand how depression creeps in and stays. They don't understand that it doesn't chose between the rich and poor , the emplyed and the unemployed , the young and old etc. Anyone can get depressed. That person might be the happiest person you might know but they can be equally depressed inside. Moving out of that depression takes so much strength .
There is especially a trend of blameing the younger generation for not following the traditional values of my country and hence having more mental illnesses. And that makes me so angry . They call the older generation "mentally stable " because they followed family values , followed religion , were commited etc .
And while that do help , people in that generation had a huge amount of mental illnesses as well . So many people from that generation I know are just not happy . They are stuck in loveless marriages ( because divorce is looked down in my country ) , can't express and explore themselves individually ( because family comes first so they give up themselves for it ), don't have an outlet for their frustration and problems ( because they are expected to be strong and move past it somehow ) , employment issues , etc . Things weren't alright back then too . It's just looking at the world with rose coloured glasses. They struggled too . They are still struggling.
So what I want to say is , what use is blaming our generation ? We have our own set of problems that the older generation doesn't understand and think we are over exaggerating . Why is there a generation divide ? Why can't people be more understanding and sympathetic instead of saying, oh if this person did this or this then they wouldn't be sad . There is victim blaming disguised as praising the traditional values and I'm so sad about that .
Idk what I'll do in this account. I'm a mess and I need a place to vent , post pics or in general post my thoughts.
Let this be the account where I can sit and think before saying anything and ruining everything like I've done before .
Also , just realised that my english grammer sucks. Sorry Mrs Mukherjee ( but I never liked you as a teacher anyway ).