Every Single Person On This Bus Is Sitting On The Left Side. There Are A Bunch Of Boxes Of Diesel Exhaust

every single person on this bus is sitting on the left side. there are a bunch of boxes of diesel exhaust fluid on the floor in the back. what's going on

once upon a time, I was very briefly an animation major. I didn't like it, so I quit, but that did happen.

being an animation major, I naturally took the very first introductory animation class, which was of course taught by an animation professor who had also worked in the animation industry for a long time.

you would think maybe he really liked animation, then.

well, he liked making it, anyway.

we could only get him to admit to liking THREE animated movies:

Prince of Egypt

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Ratatouille (which, according to him, Pixar almost went bankrupt to make.)

today on shocking soil science information, apparently people put battery acid in soil sometimes. on purpose. to help. and it works

me in 10th grade: I'm about to make it abundantly clear that I think I know how to play risk (the board game) but in fact I have never played and do not know how

I have Webkinz Conspiracy theories and I’m about to make it your problem

So

Within the realm of Webkinz World conspiracies, there are two main categories: the capitalist degradation of Ganz morality, and the highly suspicious activity in Webkinz World itself.

In terms of Ganz, many of us experienced this hell bent spin into darkness in real time. It was always a bit capitalist trash—read, you have to buy a new plush every year—but where it really started to go south was the introduction of Deluxe. For those unfamiliar, Deluxe was a type of pet you could buy, and then pay a monthly fee to maintain your “Deluxe Account”. Deluxe came with benefits like extra gifts, some fun exclusive games, an exclusive chat room, nothing big. But then, it grew. Suddenly, a game that had been open to everyone for years was Deluxe only. Sending packages was a Deluxe only privilege. Throwing parties. Using chat rooms at all. Arcade games dropped like flies to the ever widening net of Deluxe. Only a few months later, the world is in lockdown, only available to the elite—the Deluxe. There’s separate grocery stores, and the regular W store is picked over to the bone. Only 3 arcade games available. No access to the newspaper. You can’t get certain jobs. You can’t GO TO SCHOOL. The only thing you can do, really, is go work in the mines for the curio shop. Margaret Thatcher laughs from her grave.

And surely, surely there is a light at the end of this tunnel, right? Surely someone has realized that Webkinz World is a ghost town because kids aren’t interested in being bogged down by bureaucratic impediments. Sort of. Ganz has made an app game. The Webkinz are 3D. Cute, right? WRONG. THEY ARE THE MOST TERRIFYING HELL BEASTS AND THEY HAUNT MY DREAMS.

Also the first one is free but the rest (surprise!) cost money. And what’s the benefit of having two or more pets? Well, each pet has their own “spark”, and you can combine sparks with another pet to create, I kid you not, a baby Webkinz.

So here we are. Capitalism has lead to Webkinz sex. I hope they’re happy.

NOW. IN WORLD. We have many wholesome characters, right? Arte Fact, Chef Gazpacho, Tabby von Meow, etc. but there are two that I’d like to talk about today: Dr. Quack and Ms. Birdy.

For years, these two have had seemingly no connection to one another. The newspapers start to report them hanging out. Sure. Then, Ms. Birdy’s look changes: maybe you remember. Now, in the W newspaper, she says in an interview that she’s just changed her hair, because a certain “old bird” likes it that way. Soon after, Ms. Birdy and Dr. Quack announce that they’re dating. (I’m not making this up, this was all in those newspapers we skipped over.)

Cute, right? WRONG. HIGHLY SUSPECT.

See, the thing about Ms. Birdy’s makeover is that it wasn’t just her hair that changed. It’s her ENTIRE FACIAL STRUCTURE. Most specifically, her beak. Previously, it had a distinctive penguin shape. After, it’s shaped like what? A DUCK.

That leads us to Dr. Quack’s “retirement”. If you log on today and slough through the ads, if you try to go to Dr. Quack’s office, it says “Dr. Quack has discovered a cure for all Webkinz ailments and has retired!” 1) What the hell. 2) WHY IS HIS CLINIC STILL THERE THEN, HM?

I believe that Dr. Quack had an obsession with Ms. Birdy and did some Frankenstein type shit to either entirely reconstruct her face OR got a duck from somewhere and fooled the rest of Webkinz World into thinking she was the same, murdering the true Ms. Birdy in the process. Now he can forever be with his lady love. But someone (my money’s on Quizzy) caught on, and exposed him for his crimes.

They shut down the clinic and either hid him away or executed him. I don’t know if Ms. Birdy still runs the adoption center, but in the app game, it’s an entirely new person, so she’s essentially disappeared, too. An imposter? A traumatized Ms. Birdy brainwashed by a man who took it too far?

And what is this cure for all webkinz? Seems like real convenient timing. All your Webkinz dying if you didn’t get a new one every year was essentially government mandated execution if you fell behind making your payments to upper ring. Were they also making the Webkinz sick? Did Dr. Quack release periodic viruses to maintain clientele, and now has released us all from our hostage diseases?

I don’t have answers to these. But I know that vaguely Scottish bastard is evil somehow. And we may never know the extent of his crimes.

spotify stop please I am NOT one of taylor swift's biggest fans. not even by a really wide stretch. I had like 6 of her songs on my playlist to play over the speakers at work, most of which I removed a few days ago. I have added a grand total of literally zero (0) of her songs to my liked songs ever on any platform. I do not care about the tortured poets department, I have never cared about the tortured poets department, and I'm not about to start caring about the tortured poets department just because you want me to buy an exclusive sweater.