/!\ DO NOT APPROACH THIS BIRD /!\

/!\ DO NOT APPROACH THIS BIRD /!\

This is a Gross Blue Heron, one of the most vile and disgusting birds to stalk the Earth. Over the past few weeks there have been seven confirmed fatalities of small children and under-informed dogs who have mistaken these fell beasts for Great Blue Herons in fancy dress for Halloween. When you are out and about trick-or-treating this year please be wary and change your route should you encounter one; losing out on full-size candy is a small price to pay for keeping your innards from becoming outards.

One of the most bizarre adaptations in the animal kingdom belongs to the humble Seagull. Where other birds are driven by the Four Fs, Seagulls possess a perfect awareness of how fleeting and meaningless their lives are. This allows them to harass beachgoers and steal food without any regrets whatsoever, although on occasion you may find one struggling to cope with a universe that is both unfeeling and eternal.

A relative of the Royal Flycatcher, the Streamer-tailed Tyrant is named after its preferred method of governance. Where the Royals are meritocratic, Streamer-tails are brutal and oppressive in their iron-taloned rule. With no consideration for the health and safety of their subjects, they will pressure those with shorter tails into grueling labor catching upwards of six metric pounds of flies per day per bird.

Like their distant cousins the Corvids, Royal Flycatchers are also tool-users. Unlike crows and ravens however, Royal Flycatchers use their beaks and talons to fashion elaborate headgear in an effort to become the ‘top dog’ of the flycatcher world. The more resplendent the crown, the higher status of the bird.

Adult Black-crowned Night Herons are, as a whole, completely done with trying to be ‘cool’. Capable of wearing socks with sandals an astonishing 3.2 days every week, these complacent oldsters can often be found lurking near local buffets and Jimmy Buffet concerts. The Academy of Bird Sciences strongly recommends they only be approached by specially-trained persons over the age of 37, as their terrible jokes have been observed to break the morale of even the most nihilistic starving artists under thirty.

When they aren’t busy impersonating cryptofauna, Double Crested Cormorants can be found performing vocal exercises in the run-up to mating season. Gifted with a mellifluous timbre in the tenor range, these sonorous Sea-Birds favour particularly difficult arias in order to attract mates. Above, a Double Crested Cormorant finishes out the ‘Di quella pira’ caballeta from Giuseppe Verdi’s Il Trovatore.