One Of The Most Bizarre Adaptations In The Animal Kingdom Belongs To The Humble Seagull. Where Other

One of the most bizarre adaptations in the animal kingdom belongs to the humble Seagull. Where other birds are driven by the Four Fs, Seagulls possess a perfect awareness of how fleeting and meaningless their lives are. This allows them to harass beachgoers and steal food without any regrets whatsoever, although on occasion you may find one struggling to cope with a universe that is both unfeeling and eternal.

Avant garde makeup artists would be wise to take cues from the Brown Pelican. Known for their incredible aesthetic sense, they use natural materials and dyes to accentuate and decorate their faces and gular pouches. Above, an accomplished artist poses to display their latest work during the 2013 Multimedia Pelical Arts Competition.

With a storied history of warfare, Gorgeted Blue Herons are so named for the protective ‘ruff’ covering their breastbone. Fossil records imply these now-decorative feathers were once much heavier and interwoven, so as to deflect or soften otherwise lethal blows to the sternum. While it is true these fierce warriors can still be found engaged in brutal combat, the nature of conflict has changed to a decidedly non-lethal approach, thus reducing the gorget to a largely decorative role.

Adult Black-crowned Night Herons are, as a whole, completely done with trying to be ‘cool’. Capable of wearing socks with sandals an astonishing 3.2 days every week, these complacent oldsters can often be found lurking near local buffets and Jimmy Buffet concerts. The Academy of Bird Sciences strongly recommends they only be approached by specially-trained persons over the age of 37, as their terrible jokes have been observed to break the morale of even the most nihilistic starving artists under thirty.

/!\ DO NOT APPROACH THIS BIRD /!\

This is a Gross Blue Heron, one of the most vile and disgusting birds to stalk the Earth. Over the past few weeks there have been seven confirmed fatalities of small children and under-informed dogs who have mistaken these fell beasts for Great Blue Herons in fancy dress for Halloween. When you are out and about trick-or-treating this year please be wary and change your route should you encounter one; losing out on full-size candy is a small price to pay for keeping your innards from becoming outards.

Perhaps the most depressed bird in it’s entire clade, the White-Winged Tern lives a life of deep, unending sorrow. Starting from their first breaths as they hatch out of an egg with an unnecessarily-thick shell, this bird must struggle daily with obstacle after seemingly-insurmountable obstacle. Despite an endless litany of bad luck, abuse, and a lack of understanding from other birds, the White-Winged Tern is still able to muster a facade of happiness in order to deflect well-intentioned but ultimately useless advice.

And yet, it moves. No matter how bad things are, no matter how unbearable the pain, this bird continues on. In many cases, it clings to life through the desire to spare friends and family the pain of their loss. Sometimes, it is able to do this long enough for it to find its own reason to keep living. In any event, if you are suffering right now please know that I believe in you. I know how dark and terrible the world can be, but more importantly I know you can survive it. 

I may be simply a weird intern at what I’m increasingly certain is a tax avoidance scam, but I fight my own monsters just to keep waking up in the morning and I know you can too.