Hello, I'm An Autistic Lesbian With Bipolar Disorder. About A Month Ago During Thanksgiving Weekend I

hello, i'm an autistic lesbian with bipolar disorder. about a month ago during thanksgiving weekend i had to go to the ER due to low blood pressure and chronic gastrointestinal issues. i nearly passed out several times. all of this happened because i was home alone- my parents left me alone thanksgiving weekend to watch their dogs while they went to disney world.

now i'm in medical debt. my insurance refuses to cover the needed amount and i can't afford the remaining cost. please help by donating to my ko-fi here.

As immortal beings, by definition, Crowley and Aziraphale don't have to worry much with mortality.

Sure, they are surrounded by it constantly. After all, they live amongst humans, and they watch the few friends or acquaintance they make through the ages come and go systematically. They are aware of mortality, of death, they just don't think much about it in regards to themselves

To them mortality is not scary. It's just another step in the humans' lives when their eternal house is decided. It's something natural and unavoidable. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Aziraphale has helped some humans cross to the other side more peacefully.

My point is: As immortals, they are aware of mortality. But they don't think much about their own unless they are thinking about being caught by Heaven and Hell, but that's just a what if. An hypothetical. A real one at that, yes, but not reality yet.

Now, the bookshop fire.

In this moment, Crowley is punched in the face by the mortality of immortals.

Something he doesn't think that much about just falls into his lap by the hand of no other but Aziraphale.

Suddenly he is faced with utter loneliness. The ending of a life that, technically, should be eternal. A life he took for granted for more or less 6000 years.

In theory, he has always known both him Aziraphale could die. By their bosses' hands. By the end of the world itself. But it's very different to think about it in theory and living it.

Crowley wasn't prepared. This happened suddenly.

He was on his way to find Aziraphale, possibly to apologize again over the stupid shit he said and talk about the whereabouts of the Anti Christ, and suddenly a day that was actually not going that bad anymore (aka escaping Ligur and Hastur with little to no collateral damage) turns into his worst nightmare.

For 6000 years he has had the theory, and suddenly he his gifted with reality.

And the last thing he had said to Aziraphale's face was that he wouldn't even think about him when he left. You bet those last words started playing in his head as soon as he saw the fire.

And there's a whole hidden layer there: it wasn't just his best friend that went up in flames, which in on itself is already painful as fuck. No. The man he has loved for 6000 years also was destroyed.

Coming to terms with your own mortality as a supernatural being and the destruction of your companion since Eden would drive anyone into shock. Would be ingrained in their brains like a new trauma. The new notion of how actually fragile life is gifting you a whole new perspective.

No surprise Crowley probably has PTSD with fires. Or that he has nightmares about that day often. Or that he forbade Aziraphale from having anything fire related in the bookshop and convinced him to buy electric candles and a shit tone of fire extinguishers. Or that his mind went into "Fuck this, let the Apocalypse come. I'm too tired to deal with this anymore". OR that his first instinct was hidding in a random bar and getting sloshed out of his own mind to try and put the pieces all together. (Like, cmon, my man was about to open his third bottle)

The actual relief he must have felt when he found out Aziraphale was only discorporated must have been fucking abysmal! Like taking a cold shower after a fever! But you bet his encounter with mortality has changed him. You can't go through something like that and remain the same. And he didn't.

Imagine how he must have felt when Beelzebub told him about the Book of Life. The fucking flashbacks he must have had. No surprise the first thing he did was drive to Aziraphale, apologize and agree to his dumb plan of helping Gabriel. Anything to keep him under his eyes. At least if they go down then, they will go down together.

Or so he thought, innit? We know how this story ended.

I won't even think about you

Proud to be Autistic!

The Autistic Teacher

I have always hated hugs ever since I was a kid

Adults made me think that this meant I was unloving because I wouldn't hug relatives back, go give someone a kiss goodbye or show physical affection to people

People at school realised quickly that touch was an issue for me, so kids used to chase me around trying to touch me because they knew it would cause me distress

You do NOT owe anyone physical touch or affection, no matter anyone else's expectations of you

One reason don’t joke about autism is because don’t want be seen as joke.

Not funny not able regulate emotions. Not funny having difficulties with social interaction. Not funny need people already know around help socialize and make new friends. Not funny that at current age still need supervision going places.

Not funny that put life in danger because low environment awareness and sense of danger. Not funny know possibility never able live alone. Or go college. Or even walk to park that barely 5 minutes away from house.

It’s not funny that small things have me breaking down, crying, yelling, hitting myself and others. It’s not funny that a small change of plans will ruin my whole mood. Not funny that make random faces, don’t notice am making them, and get yelled at for face.

Not saying don’t have good autism traits. But if joke about good ones, others won’t take my bad one’s seriously.