Monchie11223 - :3

Dumb Ways to Die Snippet

I've been working on this in my free time when no other Au or fic feels like functioning. It is goofy and will turn serious later. For now though, enjoy a tired Reaper Ratchet as he is forced to deal with one very clumsy Orion Pax.

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“Reaper.” The Primes sat upon their lofty thrones, their gazes chilly and without emotion. Ratchet knelt before them, his helm bowed respectfully. He abhorred having to lower himself, but there was no denying the superiority of the creatures that watched him with optics so alien that it was hard to believe they were once living beings at all.

“Primus’s chosen has been forged in the living realm. He cannot be allowed to perish until his duty is complete.” Ratchet sighed as the unspoken order registered. This was one of his duties, regardless of whether or not he liked it. As a Reaper, he was not only to collect the dead and guide them home, but he was also obliged to watch over specific sparks that had divine plans that involved them.

He hadn’t actually had to deal with such a thing before. A few other Reapers had been assigned to mecha of importance, but Ratchet was new. He had only joined the ranks of the Reapers shortly after the Quintessons were driven from Cybertron’s surface. A bitter part of his mind reminded him that the reason he was probably receiving this assignment was because of his ranking amongst the Reapers. The pricks higher up on the chain had most likely seen fit to throw the work on him so they didn’t have to bother watching out for a fragile mortal for millennia on end.

Those slaggers. 

“You will watch over him and ensure his continued functioning until you are recalled.” One Prime spoke. Ratchet didn’t dare look up to see who. It was not his place.

“You are permitted to restore him regardless of his injuries so long as there is a rational reason that the order may use to make the repairs real.” Another’s voice rang out, powerful and commanding. If Ratchet were still living, he was sure his plating would be flaring in instinctual fear. At that moment, he was more than thankful for his lack of physical frame as he nodded in understanding.

“Watch over him, Reaper. He is a kind spark.” A firm but definitely feminine voice echoed. He knew her voice. She was the one who chose new Reapers to add to the order. She was the one who stood beside his dying frame and soothed him, promising him a chance to continue living in another form.

“I trust that you out of all our Reapers will tend to him faithfully.” He risked looking up so that he could see Solus Prime smile. Viewing the trust in her expression had all the anger in his spark dissipating like smoke. If it was her order that had him in his new station, then he could accept it. Surely the one she had chosen him to watch over couldn’t be too difficult to keep alive, right?

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“This is the third time this stellar cycle, mortal.” Ratchet wanted to bang his helm against a wall as he greeted his target yet again. Orion Pax was, once more, dying of a shattered spine after falling down the stairs in the Archives. 

“I apologize, Reaper. I promise I did in fact watch where my pedes were going this time. But unfortunately-” 

“You lost hold of your datapad and scrambled to grab it, leading to your tumble of doom.” Ratchet finished for him. Orion shuffled in the void, his expression the embodiment of embarrassment. This was not the first time they met, nor would it be the last at this rate.

Ratchet hadn’t been assigned to the Archivist for a full vorn yet, and Orion had somehow managed to die in over twenty ways in less than twelve deca-cycles. It was honestly quite spectacular. How he managed to last so long prior to Ratchet’s arrival was a complete and total mystery to him at this point.

“Forgive me. I shall do my best to improve and pay closer attention to my surroundings.” Orion bowed his helm slightly, his wispy form shifting as Ratchet rubbed the soft metal beneath his optics and prepared to do what he always did. 

“I’ve heard that enough times already. Don’t bother making a promise you can’t keep.” Sighing, Ratchet stepped forward and grasped at Orion’s spark. His ghostly form disappeared in an instant, and Ratchet exercised what control he had to build himself an avatar. It was as easy as venting for him, in large part due to the frequency of which he was forced to revive his target, but also due to his relative youth amongst the Reapers. He remembered what it was like to live, and that made entering the living realm easier.

“Slag, you really messed yourself up.” Looking down, Ratchet almost wanted to gag. He had been a medic prior to his death. He’d seen more than enough corpses to be largely unphased. And yet somehow, Orion Pax always managed to kill himself in both the most ridiculous and unsettling ways possible.

“Let’s get this over with.” Wishing he could be anywhere else, Ratchet knelt before the shattered corpse of Orion Pax and slowly eased the Archivist’s spark back into his frame. Mangled limbs straightened with painful sounding cracks, shattered spinal struts clicked into place while popping like bubble wrap. Before long, the Archivist gasped and coughed as his systems came back online. He lived again.

This is the funniest shit.

Like, we all know Soundwave is a gigachad, but the fact that Airachnid was so intent on mauling him makes it even funnier.

Sends her ass to a MOON. And then walks away like it was nothing.

Damn bro, you got the whole squad laughing

Human eating something spicy: Good food

Cybertronian: You're actively burning and poisoning yourself. Stop eating that

Human: Mmm capsaicin

Cybertronian: I said stop eating that!

Chilis are too obvious and kind to them. Of course, the space aliens are highly concerned by spice challenges, especially with humans attempting to breed hotter, spicier peppers... as a fun hobby.

("Isn't capsaicin the active ingredient in pepper spray?" "Yes. But people enjoy eating spicy food.")

Cybertronians would be blown away by how much agriculture transformed human civilizations... as well as be boggled between humans' ability to endure extreme conditions, yet be so damn bodily fragile and inefficient.

Genetics have never looked so wild in the botanical community. Like yes, space alien, many vegetables are related. It's dependent on the area of concentration to painfully cultivate it for hundreds to thousands of years because some regions wanted something more leafy, while others focused on the pods or roots.

And yes, space alien, many cultivated foods had derived from poisonous origins. Animals (including humans) figured to circumvent it through evolutionary adaptations or utilizing methods to draw out the toxins.

Cybertronians can be impressed by how humans managed to figure that out in the countless preparation and cooking processes in different cuisines across various cultures... yet slap their helms because their funky, little squishy is having so many health issues because of the lack of Vitamin D or a Candida infection, so Cybertronians will unironically go "touch grass" with their assigned/favorite human.

(Cue confused Cybertronian noises when their human explains sunscreen and cancer.)

And fungi, like mushrooms, are a mindfuck within itself as a kingdom to both Cybertronians and humans.

This isn't delving into how other Earth organic species can't consume certain human foods due to toxicity, like dogs and chocolate.

i was told to upload these so i cleaned them up and here they are